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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should have mentioned this in phone call with parents?

86 replies

A580Hojas · 26/01/2022 18:42

My dh has phoned his parents today. He did not mention that my 90 year old Mum (his MIL) is in hospital and will stay for at least another 2 days having a variety of fairly major procedures. This is unusual for her, she is usually fairly well and lives at home on her own.

We have been together 30 years.

OP posts:
Bakewelltart987 · 26/01/2022 19:32

If for some reason you feel they need to know phone them yourself and tell them. Maybe dh doesn't like gossiping about ill people.

Caterinasballerinas · 26/01/2022 19:34

It’s not about the in laws being close, it’s about it not seeming to register as news which affects your household, I get it OP. I had a similar experience when my DDad died, my SILs best friend didn’t know and somewhat put her foot in it. It slightly hurt that my SiL never thought to mention it to her friend who knows me. It was pretty big news for her DB and me!

GougeAway · 26/01/2022 19:34

My DH wouldn’t even bother telling his parents details of his own health, let along my mum’s. I think you are over reacting unless your husband is being unsupportive in other ways.

Pat123dev · 26/01/2022 19:37

My dh might not mention it, purely out of respect of privacy. He sure as hell wouldn't have been organised enough to check if he should share the news!!!

WingingItEveryDay7 · 26/01/2022 19:40

We update each others family about something going on in the other, but then, they've all met many times and are interested. They'll ask us how our family is doing etc first so it seems obvious to me that your DH should say something. However, let's not forget that men think completely differently to us and he obviously didn't realise that he perhaps should have mentioned your MIL being in hospital to them. How often does he speak to his parents? Hopefully he'll mention it to them next time and going forwards might mention other news now that you've had a word about it x

moomee12 · 26/01/2022 19:42

My DH probably wouldn't mention it because he likes to keep things very "light" on the phone to his DM.

And if he mentioned a member of my family being unwell/in hospital MIL would then be off for a 30 min monologue about her own ailments/illnesses and deaths of everyone she's known of in the last 10 years/her own impending health decline.

It's best to just keep to the weather/the birds in the garden/tv with MIL.

greenlynx · 26/01/2022 19:50

My DH never tells MIL about my relatives. I would tell mine some news from his side but it would be very deliberate choosing, not like chatting about news. Both sides are not in touch at all. And MIL doesn’t like my Mum ( I don’t blame her, they are very different). And in general my DH is not good at telling news at all, you need to make a huge effort to get something out of him. He can chat with his Mum for hours and tell nothing, it would be just general chat. If MIL wants to know news she usually asks me or DD. If my Mum wants to know news she asks me. The same is with my Dad and my sister’d husband. I suspect that chatty women never have chatty partners.
Hope your mum will be ok.

Rewis · 26/01/2022 19:53

What are you actually upset about? Do you feel like him not telling his parents about your mom mean that he doesn't think the hospitalizations is a big deal or he doesn't care? It's OK to have feelings when your mum is in the hospital. But him not talking about it with parents doesn't mean anything.

Original poster
A580Hojas · 26/01/2022 19:56

"Gossiping about ill people" is a long way from updating family on relevant news.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/01/2022 19:57

My parents & Ils weren't great friends but my husband would tell his parents as my Ils do care a little about me & what affects me!

He also cared about my parents so would be telling them out of hos own concern.

user1958493 · 26/01/2022 19:58

This would upset me because it's as if your mum isn't in his thoughts, when she should be at a time like this.

LightSpeeds · 26/01/2022 20:05

Yes, I think it's odd that he didn't mention that his wife of 30 years' mother was admitted to hospital yesterday! It's pretty big news in the grand scheme of things...

glassofbubbles25 · 26/01/2022 20:07

Sorry to hear about your mum but yabu
My dh wouldn’t think to mention it either.
I think there must be more to this? Some back story or drip feed
But why are you keen you mil knows? What difference does it makr

LightSpeeds · 26/01/2022 20:09

@A580Hojas

"Gossiping about ill people" is a long way from updating family on relevant news.
Yes, it's hardly 'gossiping'!
WonderfulYou · 26/01/2022 20:13

Be careful your not projecting your distress at your mums situation on your DH. She is clearly important to you and your upset. I would hope he offers you day to day support and the fact he didnt share the news with your parents doesnt mean he doesnt care.

I completely agree.

Theres a million reasons why he wouldn’t tell them but none of them mean he doesn’t care: There’s nothing they can do about it. They may worry. They may feel like they’ve got to speak to you about it and it’ll upset you. He may feel like it’s not his place to say anything etc etc.

I think you’re being very unfair to him and taking out your worry on him.

MananaTomorrow · 26/01/2022 20:17

Well I’ve gone through that with FIL.
I didn’t update my parents all the time because let’s be honest, they didn’t care about him as such.

Obviously this was something big for DH.
It was something for us as a family.
But it wasn’t for my parents.

I wouldn’t read more than that. Your DH just talked about what happened in your life that is of interest to his parents. I’m sure there are other stuff he doesn’t mention to them too, for the same reason.

gamerchick · 26/01/2022 20:18

@GougeAway

My DH wouldn’t even bother telling his parents details of his own health, let along my mum’s. I think you are over reacting unless your husband is being unsupportive in other ways.
Mine neither. I wouldn't tell my family anything about my husband's either. Just wouldn't occur to me at all

Hope your mother recovers soon OP

MulticatHouse · 26/01/2022 20:21

My husband wouldn't think to mention something like this to his Mum.

Not really sure where you are coming from with this.
What did he say when you asked him?

HeronLanyon · 26/01/2022 20:21

It takes all sorts doesn’t it? In my family it would be astonishing (!) fir this not to be part of any phone call- update between and amongst family members.

Others here are in families where it would be seen it as potentially ‘gossiping about illness’.

Op perhaps it’s just your respective family dynamics are different in this respect.

2022success · 26/01/2022 20:23

I wouldn't pass on someone's private health information like that for no apparent reason, no.

Something more gossip based, like MIL just got a new puppy, he's barmy, would be fine. I would be proper fucked off if I thought DIL was telling her parents about my medical problems.

Myoldtable · 26/01/2022 20:25

I would have been upset as well. It’s important to mention because it has had a big effect on you and that is the relevant factor

MindyStClaire · 26/01/2022 23:26

YANBU at all in my book. One of our parents being in hospital would be a big event in our family. I'd expect DH to tell MIL as I'd hope my mum would be on his mind, and I know MIL would want to know as she loves me.

Our parents have had several serious illnesses in the time we've been together. The other side gets the broad news, if not necessarily the nitty gritty, and asks after the patient too since that's, well, normal!

Completely agree that saying your MIL is in hospital and will be there a few days is very very far from gossiping about private medical information Hmm

Sh05 · 27/01/2022 00:09

I'd probably get a telling off from my dad if I hadn't told them that one of my parents in law were in hospital.
It's major news and they would want to know and also they'd call or atleast expect me to update them on how things are going, not particularly personal medical info but just whether things were looking up or how they could help.
My in-laws would be the same if things were the other way round.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/01/2022 00:14

Hope your mum is ok @A580Hojas.

And I’m totally with you. I’d find it odd if my husband didn’t ask after my mum/sister/brother when they called, and I’d find it odd if he didn’t mention something significant to his family. As I would mention to my family also.

Isn’t that what people in normal relationships do? Confused

stayathomer · 27/01/2022 00:17

I think different people have different types of conversations. My dh and his family talk about everything and everyone, but in what I'd consider almost boring detail, whereas in a phone conversation with my mum I'd stick to very everyday topics. Sometimes I pass dh over to my mum and afterwards he tells me all the things he told my mum that I hadn't and says 'why hadn't you told her that?'

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