AIBU to think DH should have mentioned this in phone call with parents?

[A580Hojas]

My dh has phoned his parents today. He did not mention that my 90 year old Mum (his MIL) is in hospital and will stay for at least another 2 days having a variety of fairly major procedures. This is unusual for her, she is usually fairly well and lives at home on her own.

We have been together 30 years.

Why do you know he didn’t tell them?

I do hope your mum recovers well, it’s obviously worrying

I also wouldn't think this is something to update on, hope your mum is ok though.

My dh would never have told his parents about my parents health stuff. They only met twice in 23 years, so it would be just odd really somehow, and unless asked outright how they were I didn't share either

@sadpapercourtesan

Has he said why he didn't tell you?

If he deliberately kept it from you, then you have some talking to do.

If he forgot to tell you, I'm afraid that's fairly typical in my experience of even very intelligent and enlightened men. DH frequently brain farts and doesn't pass on things that I would have shared as a matter of course, then looks confused when I struggle with "I forgot".

Sorry if that's misandrist, but I have found it to be true!

He hasn't told his parents about OPs mum being in hospital.

I'm absent minded. I can very easily forget to tell people stuff, even if I've phoned with that as the main thing I've intended to say. If the first topic turns to something else, I'm easily distracted. Then I put the phone down and ten minutes later think "aaargh, I totally forgot to mention..."

So no I wouldn't judge him or read anything into it other than being distracted..

I wouldn’t talk about my mum to my husband’s parents unless they asked and I wouldn’t expect him to either. I didn’t tell my parents when dh’s dad had surgery.

I don’t think your husband has done anything wrong here.

Have you asked him why?

@Tal45

Do they know each other well? If they don't then I don't think it's strange at all. I think it's more strange that you think it's a big issue.

They don't know each other particularly well, no. But if you ring your parents fairly regularly and update each other with family news, then your 90 year old mil who you've known for 30 years might get a mention?

He didn't omit to tell them because he thought she'd want her privacy protected. It was because he didn't think about it as he spoke to them. Even though she went into hospital yesterday and will have to stay for another two days at least. And she is 90.

@PurpleDaisies

I wouldn’t talk about my mum to my husband’s parents unless they asked and I wouldn’t expect him to either. I didn’t tell my parents when dh’s dad had surgery.

I don’t think your husband has done anything wrong here.

Did you not? Why not? Isn't your dh's dad having surgery quite a big thing in your lives?

I'm 30 years married and my in laws are interested in my family and MIL would often tell me bits of news about one of my SIL's parents too.

I don't necessarily think it is a male thing but some people are just not good with chatting and giving news on the phone. Dh often would forget to tell his mother things I know she would be interested in - that would include my mother's health (while perhaps talking about politics with her).

If I heard him on the phone I used to say things like "tell her DD1 got the lead in the play" or "tell her ds has whooping cough" or "tell her we are going away for a weekend to - insert nice place - " And he'd look slightly grateful for the prompt. For years now I just phone her myself and tell her the news I think she might like to hear.

Did you not? Why not? Isn't your dh's dad having surgery quite a big thing in your lives?

It’s a big thing for us but not for my mum.

I get it I think, OP. Its not about whether your DM and his DPs are friends, it's that this is something big happening in your world. So if the chat is 'any news with you?' you'd expect it to be mentioned... 'oh DW's mum has gone into hospital so that's a bit of a worry' type thing.
Y brother was diagnosed with cancer and died in 2019; it was a big thing for our household - I travelled to see him several times (5 hours from us and logistically difficult) so it would have been beyond wierd if DH had never mentioned that to his parents when they asked how we were.

Same with other big things in the family.

meant to say, OP I think you must be very worried about your mum and can see why you would be wft about your dh not mentioning it but I doubt it is him not being interested in her - just not good at telling all the news. I hope everything goes well for your mum.

Yes, SnotMike.

I guess he'll tell them if she dies .

He didn't omit to tell them because he thought she'd want her privacy protected. It was because he didn't think about it as he spoke to them.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, OP.

You’ve been married 30 years, I assume he’s not a heartless bastard.

Don’t take out your worry on him. Don’t read into it.

But then maybe not and I shouldn't expect it if they weren't "great friends".

Sadly MIL died a free years ago but DH wouldn't often remember to say such things to get, things firmly lodged in brain are not necessarily given the same prominence in his.

Heck, when my mum was alive I didn't always tell my dad and step mum when she was in hospital

@Pallisers

meant to say, OP I think you must be very worried about your mum and can see why you would be wft about your dh not mentioning it but I doubt it is him not being interested in her - just not good at telling all the news. I hope everything goes well for your mum.

Thank you. Everything crossed.

So as people always say here...

What did he say when you told him how upset you are?

My late MIL would have been upset on finding out my (also) late mum was in hospital. They were quite friendly and MIL would probably have gone to see her in hospital. I think her son would have been in line for a telling off!

Maybe is as a pp said...he'll tell them when all is done? I don't generally update my mother on stuff in anyone's lives until there some sort of conclusion otherwise you end up in a spiral of questions that there's no answer for, and it's the same for dh and his mother
Keep it all very factual and what's done is done. It's certainly the easiest way.

Not the same but i sympathise-my pil didnt tell theyre family my dm had died in 5 years of seeing them since

i dont know who felt more awkward when they asked how she was

In my household I’d expect this to have been said as a matter of course as it’s big news and something you are both dealing with.
In the absence of ils own frailty or fragility or inability to el with worry or whatever.
BUT all family dynamics are different and it’s now clear your DJ doesn’t talk to his own parents that way for whatever reason.
Ask him.
Good luck with your Ma op.

Be careful your not projecting your distress at your mums situation on your DH. She is clearly important to you and your upset. I would hope he offers you day to day support and the fact he didnt share the news with your parents doesnt mean he doesnt care.