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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite whole class?

77 replies

Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 18:00

My DD is in Y1 and has been to a number of parties this year/reception. She didn’t have a party last year because of covid so this is her first proper birthday party.

My DD’s birthday is approaching and we have booked a party at a venue that charges per head. My DD wants a soft play party so understands it is expensive. However, AIBU to ask DD to only invite half of her class? It would mean that some of children who have invited my DD to their parties won’t be invited. Invites will be sent out discreetly.

Thanks

OP posts:
Yuckypretty · 26/01/2022 18:02

How will they be sent out discreetly?

RedskyThisNight · 26/01/2022 18:02

Of course that's fine - other people will be doing the same thing.

Whats not fine is to invite the whole class bar one or two.
if you stick to your DD's closest friends, you are fine.

TeenPlusCat · 26/01/2022 18:04

Tell her 10. See who is on the list, she might not get it down to 10 and then you can generously increase.
Be careful of the boy-girl mix in the class. You don't want to accidentally miss out just 2 girls.

autienotnaughty · 26/01/2022 18:06

It's funny there was a post about feeling left out because 20 of 30 children were invited to a party and there was some teasing of the left out children. I'd say half is ok any more and you might as well have whole class.

Original poster
Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 18:06

@Yuckypretty

How will they be sent out discreetly?
I have all the parents numbers thanks to a school WhatsApp group so I’ll be sending invites out individually via text/WhatsApp.
OP posts:
LethargicActress · 26/01/2022 18:08

I think it’s a bit mean not to invite the children that invited you to theirs at this age. Year 1 children notice things like that, and it matters a lot to them.

ZenNudist · 26/01/2022 18:11

I think it’s a bit mean not to invite the children that invited you to theirs

^this, bad manners

TeenPlusCat · 26/01/2022 18:11

@LethargicActress

I think it’s a bit mean not to invite the children that invited you to theirs at this age. Year 1 children notice things like that, and it matters a lot to them.
I might agree if they were small parties, but not if whole class ones. Otherwise you end up inviting none of her close friends and all the children who had whole class parties.

To me with infants parties, the reciprocation is bringing a present.

ConstanceL · 26/01/2022 18:12

If you’ve been happily going to whole class parties then it’s a bit off to only invite a few to yours. And secret parties never stay secret, someone will say to the wrong person are you going to x’s party, or someone will mention it on the class WhatsApp without thinking. If your kid really wants a soft play party why not book a church hall and there are some pretty elaborate bouncy castle set ups you can hire these days. Would probably cost less than paying per head at a soft play centre.

olivehater · 26/01/2022 18:13

Personally I think it’s mean. I have a y1 daughter. So far she has only been invited to two parties since she started. All the boys did boys only all the girls just invited 5or 6 friends. As she didn’t go to the main feeder nurser she got missed a lot. The etiquette previously was an all reception class party or just one sex and I think that should be repeated in y1 because of Covid. They have missed so much. Club in with another parent if it’s expensive.

SeasonFinale · 26/01/2022 18:18

@LethargicActress

I think it’s a bit mean not to invite the children that invited you to theirs at this age. Year 1 children notice things like that, and it matters a lot to them.
It absolutely IS NOT. This sort of thing is what perpetuates the myth that everyone has to be invited to everything when they simply don't.

You invite the number you can afford to invite and the children that your child wants to invite.

There is simply no need to feel any guilt at not being able to invite everyone.

Veryverycalmnow · 26/01/2022 18:18

Careful with this approach- loads cancelled at a recent whole- class kids party and only about half of the class were there, so if that happened to a smaller group it might mean 4 or 5 kids when she's expecting 10. I would invite them all and then next year narrow it down. Is it to save money?

Heartoverheadheadoverheart · 26/01/2022 18:19

Similar situation and we are only inviting half of the class. We simply can't afford to invite the whole class. Yes, it is rubbish not being able to invite all of the children who have previously invited my child. Unfortunately, not everyone has that kind of money. I think it is fine as long as you aren't just leaving one or two out.

cherryonthecakes · 26/01/2022 18:22

Half is fine. I didn't do whole class parties for my kids as they weren't friends with everyone and as you say, it's expensive.

It's not mean to not invite someone back. Whole class party means everybody is invited by definition.

Original poster
Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 18:23

@ZenNudist

I think it’s a bit mean not to invite the children that invited you to theirs

^this, bad manners

This is what my gut is telling me.

However, when I’ve asked my DD who she would like to invite, many of the children who invited her to theirs are not on her list. She said she doesn’t like them anymore as they are “mean” to her 🙈

I won’t lie, I am worried about upsetting some of the school Mums if word gets out. However, if we invite the whole class and they all can attend, it is going to cost us a small fortune.

I did a church hall type party a few years ago for my other child. I found it stressful so would rather pay someone to do it for me 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 18:26

@Veryverycalmnow

Careful with this approach- loads cancelled at a recent whole- class kids party and only about half of the class were there, so if that happened to a smaller group it might mean 4 or 5 kids when she's expecting 10. I would invite them all and then next year narrow it down. Is it to save money?
Yes, I am also aware this may happen. I’m expecting some last minute cancellations because of covid etc. Part of me is thinking if I invite whole class, only half may come anyway?

I’ll be annoyed if people cancel on the day as I have been told I need to pay for each child a week in advance but not much I can do about that.

OP posts:
LittleKitten1 · 26/01/2022 18:30

It would mean that some of children who have invited my DD to their parties won’t be invited

No. That's rude. YABU and it would better to have a party where you can invite the class or at least those who invited your DD. Only polite to reciprocate. If the soft play is too expensive for that, think of something else.

Alternatively do a very very small thing, more like a play date.

RedskyThisNight · 26/01/2022 18:32

@ZenNudist

I think it’s a bit mean not to invite the children that invited you to theirs

^this, bad manners

That doesn't apply to Year 1 parties. Otherwise the children who have parents that can afford the whole class parties will get invited to everything potentially leaving no spaces for better friends. You don't have a child's party for your child to get invited back. Also, friendships change so much, that your child may no longer be on speaking terms with their best friend from 2 months ago.
DaffodilDandilion · 26/01/2022 18:32

You don’t need to invite the whole class but it’s bad form to not include children who have previously invited her.

roundthew · 26/01/2022 18:32

@LethargicActress

I think it’s a bit mean not to invite the children that invited you to theirs at this age. Year 1 children notice things like that, and it matters a lot to them.
This
AndAnotherNewOne · 26/01/2022 18:33

Very bad manners not to invite children who have invited DD. It won't go down well with the children or their mums.

ahcmonnow · 26/01/2022 18:34

No it's mean, it will come back to bite you in the butt. These things always get out.

Lesperance · 26/01/2022 18:38

Could you not invite a really small number say 4 or 5. I don't get whole class parties, but they seem to be the done thing in the UK, but not at all when I was growing up. So perhaps you really do have to invite everybody.

BreakingGood45 · 26/01/2022 18:38

You don't have to invite the entire class but you do have to invite the children whose parties she has attended. This is why we pick and choose which parties my son goes to.

ListeningButNotHearing · 26/01/2022 18:41

Crack on but wait until it happens to your daughter and she gets very upset.