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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite whole class?

77 replies

Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 18:00

My DD is in Y1 and has been to a number of parties this year/reception. She didn’t have a party last year because of covid so this is her first proper birthday party.

My DD’s birthday is approaching and we have booked a party at a venue that charges per head. My DD wants a soft play party so understands it is expensive. However, AIBU to ask DD to only invite half of her class? It would mean that some of children who have invited my DD to their parties won’t be invited. Invites will be sent out discreetly.

Thanks

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2022 18:42

It’s not rude. Less than half the class is not rude, and accepting an invitation to a whole-class party does not oblige you past the giving a present & turning up.

Parents plan the parties they can afford. They invite who they like.

It would be crazy to tell your child they can’t go to a party they’re invited to just because you aren’t necessarily able to return the invite.

Same with play dates, imo.

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2022 18:44

It’s NOT bad manners! The other parents did whole class parties. They didn’t handpick OP’s DD as their DC’s best friend, they literally invited anyone who would like to come.

OP is inviting children her child plays with and likes, because that’s what she can afford.

Heartoverheadheadoverheart · 26/01/2022 18:48

I am shocked at how many people think not having hundreds of extra pounds to spend is being rude. Wow.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 26/01/2022 18:48

It’s really not ‘bad manners’. I find this Mumsnet obsession with whole class parties very odd. Children will naturally develop friendships with a smaller number, not 29, and you’ll find that generally, parties are for 8-10 and usually include some non-school friends which is perfectly fine and normal. Equally, your DD might not get invited to ALL the parties but hey, that’s fine too!

Tripptrott · 26/01/2022 18:49

At this age, just be inclusive. Supporting the class dynamic is really important and benefits everyone.

Go to soft play with a couple of friends as a social thing, and do the rowdy church hall party for another year.

ConstanceL · 26/01/2022 18:54

I did a church hall type party a few years ago for my other child. I found it stressful

So you are happy for other parents to go through the stress of organising a party that your daughter is able to enjoy but you don't want to do it yourself!

I don't think there is anything wrong with smaller parties as such, especially after year 2, but rightly or wrongly the other mums will notice you are happy to go to other people's parties, but not reciprocate.

Original poster

Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 18:56

Maybe if I leave giving the invitations out until 2 weeks before, we won’t get too many accepting the invite? 😂

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2022 18:59

So you are happy for other parents to go through the stress of organising a party that your daughter is able to enjoy but you don't want to do it yourself!

I am!

Why not? The way someone else hosts any social occasion does not oblige me to do the exact same.

ConstanceL · 26/01/2022 19:04

@NoSquirrels

So you are happy for other parents to go through the stress of organising a party that your daughter is able to enjoy but you don't want to do it yourself!

I am!

Why not? The way someone else hosts any social occasion does not oblige me to do the exact same.

Yes but the OP has specifically said 'I am worried about upsetting some of the school Mums if word gets out' and word will get out so reciprocal hospitality seems to be expected in this instance.

Anna10309 · 26/01/2022 19:04

Don't secretly invite some kids, kids talk and this could get nasty for your dd especially as she has been to others. We only have 17 in our class, so fortunately do invites to all kids. My dd is also Y1, and I think it's still down to parents to manage the parties at this age.

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2022 19:08

reciprocal hospitality seems to be expected in this instance

Other people’s expectations still are t my obligation.

If I was the sort of person who worried about it though, which I guess the OP is, then yes, suck it up and do a different party.

Seems mad, though.

Liveandlove91 · 26/01/2022 19:10

Some people may bring siblings ?

Ericaequites · 26/01/2022 19:10

It’s only fair and polite to invite the children who invited your child to their parties. Ask for firm RSVPs by 10 days before the party or two days before you need a firm and accurate count for bookings. Many little ones have family breaks, activities, NRP visitations, and other things on a weekend day. I’d invite more children anticipating this.

Liveandlove91 · 26/01/2022 19:11

Best of hiring somewhere with soft play that's not per head some.do bouncy castle I would feel ashamed if I invited only a few

morechocolateneededtoday · 26/01/2022 19:13

I wouldn't because it will get out and your DD will likely suffer the consequence of being left out later on. If you can get it down to 6/7 children then fine but otherwise I would do the whole class. As someone else said, ask if anyone wants to do a joint party if it's an option.

morechocolateneededtoday · 26/01/2022 19:16

@NoSquirrels

reciprocal hospitality seems to be expected in this instance

Other people’s expectations still are t my obligation.

If I was the sort of person who worried about it though, which I guess the OP is, then yes, suck it up and do a different party.

Seems mad, though.

Agree it isn't an obligation but if it gets out and parents/children are not happy, it's the child who would get left out from future invites. I wouldn't want to risk doing that to my child.

Original poster

Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 19:17

@Liveandlove91

Some people may bring siblings ?

It is £15 per head. I won’t be paying for siblings. If people want to bring siblings, they will have to pay for their entrance fee. I do understand that this means some people won’t be able to attend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 19:24

I should also add, DD has been invited to a few parties that haven’t been whole class parties so I won’t be the only one who has done this.

OP posts:

TenThousandSpoons · 26/01/2022 19:30

It’s fine. Unless she has any particularly close friends who are boys, just invite all the girls. What wouldn’t be ok is inviting say 13 girls and 3 boys so only one girl isn’t invited.

The rationale of turning down invitations from kids your child might not invite back would be awful for the bday child if everyone turned down their whole class invitation.

ConstanceL · 26/01/2022 19:30

@NoSquirrels

reciprocal hospitality seems to be expected in this instance

Other people’s expectations still are t my obligation.

If I was the sort of person who worried about it though, which I guess the OP is, then yes, suck it up and do a different party.

Seems mad, though.

Yes I think the OP doesn't have your devil may care attitude to reciprocal hospitality :) I think for kids the OP's kid's age it's a bit mean to not invite people who have invited you. But it would be fine to not do so for someone who isn't worried about other parent's reactions. Ahh school playground politics 😂

worriedatthemoment · 26/01/2022 19:35

It still won't be discreet as kids talk and discuss it before and after

RedskyThisNight · 26/01/2022 19:36

Reciprocal hospitality means that those with autumn and winter birthdays are disproportionately more likely to get invited to other parties where the parents can't afford to invite the whole class.

I think it's better to invite just closer friends than half the class if you're worried about people caring though.

Original poster

Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 19:37

@TenThousandSpoons

It’s fine. Unless she has any particularly close friends who are boys, just invite all the girls. What wouldn’t be ok is inviting say 13 girls and 3 boys so only one girl isn’t invited.

The rationale of turning down invitations from kids your child might not invite back would be awful for the bday child if everyone turned down their whole class invitation.

It would be equal numbers of girls and boys to make things complicated. Some of my DD’s best friends are boys so I can’t just invite the girls unfortunately.

OP posts:

worriedatthemoment · 26/01/2022 19:38

That said i always taught my kids not to be concerned if they didn't get invited to a party and reasons why
Money, space etc
Mine are 18.16 now and we never did a whole class party and only a couple did
I always invited the kids who invited mine though then the few they wanted on top as usually parties were for 10' or 12 people

Original poster

Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 19:39

@RedskyThisNight

Reciprocal hospitality means that those with autumn and winter birthdays are disproportionately more likely to get invited to other parties where the parents can't afford to invite the whole class.

I think it's better to invite just closer friends than half the class if you're worried about people caring though.

Maybe I should ask my DD to do this. The minimum number of children for the venue is 12. 4 will be family members.

Maybe I could ask her to invite 8 from her class. That is 1/3 as I think there are 24 in her class.

OP posts:

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