Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite whole class?

77 replies

Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 18:00

My DD is in Y1 and has been to a number of parties this year/reception. She didn’t have a party last year because of covid so this is her first proper birthday party.

My DD’s birthday is approaching and we have booked a party at a venue that charges per head. My DD wants a soft play party so understands it is expensive. However, AIBU to ask DD to only invite half of her class? It would mean that some of children who have invited my DD to their parties won’t be invited. Invites will be sent out discreetly.

Thanks

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 26/01/2022 19:41

@Liveandlove91 why do people think its ok to bring siblings ?
No one brought a sibling to any of my kids parties unless invited and often left kids from a certain age
My friends kids went to a private school and they often brought siblings as well as mum and dad , is this a private school thing ?

Liveandlove91 · 26/01/2022 19:45

Some people are single parents with no family .

Nishkin · 26/01/2022 19:46

I always did whole class parties- the classes were small- 12-15 kids.

I never worried if they were not invited back- of course little children get upset if not invited to everything- but it is an important life lesson.

So much easier as they get older!

Anna10309 · 26/01/2022 19:47

My friends kids went to a private school and they often brought siblings as well as mum and dad , is this a private school thing ?

It might be that due to the much smaller class sizes siblings are fine to join. It's sometimes the case at our (private) school.

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/01/2022 19:48

Personally I would invite the whole class or just a few. It’s a shame that children’s parties your daughter went to and enjoyed you aren’t inviting those children. At that age you will get the child saying to the parent ‘but I invited them to mine’ and whilst it doesn’t mean you have to, I couldn’t do it whilst hosting a fairly big party.

Isaw3ships · 26/01/2022 19:50

Just crack on - by the time you hit Year 4 your kid won’t even remember half the other kids names!
Invite less than half and you’re fine. Invite 15 out of 20, not so much.

CandyMan89 · 26/01/2022 19:54

I recently had a party and invited the whole class. Only two people cancelled on the day. I was hoping more. 😂

£15 per head though. Yikes. I hired a soft play. Had 35 kids there. Brought my own food & made up my own party bags and it cost £7.50 per head.

Flapjak · 26/01/2022 19:56

By the logic of some posters it would be best to never attend a whole class party for fear of being shunned if you do t have the funds to recopricate or desire to hold a whole class party. It would be a shame for the children who want a whole class party if tney only recieved 5 rsvps !!

Original poster
Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 19:58

@1AngelicFruitCake

Personally I would invite the whole class or just a few. It’s a shame that children’s parties your daughter went to and enjoyed you aren’t inviting those children. At that age you will get the child saying to the parent ‘but I invited them to mine’ and whilst it doesn’t mean you have to, I couldn’t do it whilst hosting a fairly big party.
Yes, I do see where you are coming from. Unfortunately though, when I’ve asked my DD who she would like to invite, those children aren’t on her list. When I’ve tried to persuade her to invite them because she attended their parties, she has said no because they are mean to her in class. Don’t know what to do 🙈
OP posts:
Thirtytimesround · 26/01/2022 19:59

Half the class or less is fine.

If you invite more than half the class, you create the existence of a small group of left out children, and that isn’t cool (and will come back to haunt you in the form of maternal rage).

ListenLinda · 26/01/2022 20:01

I’m in a similar situation OP. Planning DDs birthday, at a soft play, pay per head on the day. I was going to invite the whole clasd but since found other parents are not doing whole class and having their children only invite certain friends. So I decided to do 12 out of I believe 30, 6 girls 6 boys. After reading this, I better check the numbers with the teacher and may be have a rethink…

AdriannaP · 26/01/2022 20:04

Some of the comments are so OTT. I have a Y2 child, I don’t care who invites her and who doesn’t. It’s up to the birthday child to decide and I understand that not everyone wants to or can spend a fortune on parties. Yes DD knows she is not invited to all of them but you can explain to a child that some children have smaller parties.

She can invite who she would like to invite without any obligations. They are 6, people get over invested in children’s parties!!

OldSoho · 26/01/2022 20:09

This kind of attitude is where you get people whinging that they didn't get invited to a small "close friends and family only" wedding because the bride/groom was at their "invite everybody we know" party.

5 is a good age to begin to understand that not everything has to be reciprocal.

OldSoho · 26/01/2022 20:09

*wedding

littlemissbananasplit · 26/01/2022 20:11

It's rare, but as someones who's been there and remembers all too well the wide-eyed gaze of the little kids with glasses, all you will feel is shame if you don't invite everyone. You say invites will be discreet and nobody has to know but if your child is asked about their party by a kid who's not invited will you tell them to be casually cruel in the name of being honest? As that may be asking too much of them. Others have mentioned COVID may still be an issue, your child may watch the front door wishing her friend to come when in reality she's having to isolate.

LethargicActress · 26/01/2022 20:13

Threads like this make me glad that parties were all about entertainers in a back garden or church hall when mine were around this age. They were much more inclusive.

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2022 20:15

The rationale of turning down invitations from kids your child might not invite back would be awful for the bday child if everyone turned down their whole class invitation.

Precisely. I plan a party and when I invite people I want them to come, to accept the invite and turn up and enjoy themselves. That’s it. Job done. If it’s a party for my child I’d be so upset to think someone turned down an invite because they were worried about inviting back. That way both my child AND yours miss out. It’s no way to live.

OP, invite the 8 kids, and 4 family members. It’s fine. Stop worrying. By Year 2 I promise you no one will care at all.

Toomuch2do · 26/01/2022 20:15

Just be prepared for the potential fall out when your DD is the one not invited to the parties of the DCs you haven’t included.

Really not nice to invite half the class at that age, especially when your DD was invited to theirs.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 26/01/2022 20:17

I’ve obviously missed the memo - when did kids in Y1 have parties? Is it normal for every student to have a party? I would be tempted to skip it completely tbh.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/01/2022 20:22

Whole class parties are bloody expensive even church halls and entertainers with your own food and party bags rack up, plus stressful.

I think that people jumping to the bad manners thought is quite blinkered.

NoSquirrels · 26/01/2022 20:24

if your child is asked about their party by a kid who's not invited will you tell them to be casually cruel in the name of being honest?

You make sure your child understands we can’t invite everyone this time because we can’t afford to. You make sure they know to be kind, you discuss how people might feel if they’re not invited. You give them some words to help, maybe. Small child asks your child why they aren’t invited. Your child says ‘Sorry X, my mum said I could only invite 8 people this time.’

Then you send in sweets/cakes/whatever for the whole class to share.

RestingStitchFace · 26/01/2022 20:46

We've invited 9 out of 27 kids. I feel comfortable with that - nobody can say we are deliberately excluding if more kids are not invited than are invited.

Original poster
Awcw1234 · 26/01/2022 20:56

@RestingStitchFace

We've invited 9 out of 27 kids. I feel comfortable with that - nobody can say we are deliberately excluding if more kids are not invited than are invited.
1/3 of the class then. I’m thinking of telling my daughter she can invite 8/24 now. That is 1/3. If some decline, she can choose someone else to invite.

Part of me is worrying about upsetting two particular parents though who invited my DD to their DC’s parties. One of them is the Queen Bee of the playground so she is bound to find out Hmm However, her older children have smaller parties so maybe I’m overthinking it and she will understand.

OP posts:
SE13Mummy · 26/01/2022 20:59

Neither of my DCs have ever had whole class parties but both have attended occasional whole class parties held by their classmates. They've also attended smaller parties of children they didn't necessarily consider to be close friends and have invited children to their own parties (in our home) regardless of whether or not that child invited them. They are in secondary school now and I can honestly say it's never arisen as an issue.

Maybe we got lucky and my DC were in classes (of 30) with other children whose parents are sensibly pragmatic about how many children they can afford to host at a party. Or perhaps attending a primary with a very mixed intake meant that both parents and children understood that not everyone celebrates their birthdays with school friends; some celebrate with family or with out-of-school friends whilst others don't celebrate at all. I've always given mine a piece of paper with numbers 1-10 down the side and asked them to write the names of those they've wanted to invite. There has always been a mix of school friends and out-of-school friends, girls and boys, and DC2 in particular has invited children I know have never had a birthday party and have never been invited to anyone's party (that wasn't the reason they were invited - they were invited because DC2 enjoyed playing with them).

It's not OK to be unkind when inviting children to parties e.g. inviting 28 of a class of 30, but it's completely fine to hold the sort of party you feel comfortable hosting and can afford. It's not a bad thing for Y1 children to be able to say, 'Mummy said there was only space for ten friends and I already have ten on my list' - it's far worse for children to never be allowed a party of their own because their family isn't in a position to host an entire class, or to feel as though they have to turn down an invitation because X isn't on their invitation list. Five and six year olds do notice if they are not invited to a party, yes. Most of them will be able to process the explanation that there wasn't space for all the friends/class to be invited... unless the parents make a big thing of it and/or encourage their child to only invite those children whose parties they've attended.

CourgetteSeason · 26/01/2022 21:30

This thread is making me sweat with anxiety and my DS isn't even at school yet Grin the politics of kids birthday parties seems bonkers.

Swipe left for the next trending thread