To feel sad and or confused about a change in friendships.?

[Tootsuites]

We live in a small hamlet. For the last six years or so we have been friends with a couple. In addition to this I set up a social group so that if anyone wanted to come to things , needed a lift etc they would be welcome. We ( the two dw and another dw) also met weekly to paint as its a mutual intrest.
A couple moved in who have spare income and time. They be friended the couple who are our existing friends and go out with them to the nearest village pub now each tue ,fri and sunday. In between they meet for coffees etc and its seems to be most days.
We get invited sporadically but not as a norm . . sometimes to dinner parties.
The dw who was part of our group was not included at all and i was and it came as a shock to her that she had been described as a" bestie " one week then just not included . She is never contacted now. I think that the new cple did not want to invite her, and the dw in the original friendship group omitted to include her... and it became a patteen.
My advise to her was to have parties and invite them all as you cannot control what others do but you can organise social stuff yourself.
It didnt work. They went to her events but did not invite back.

I am sometimes invited but what has happened is the dw who normally used to invite me round for coffee etc, to paint, is no longer doing that and all her social time seems to be spent with the other couple who visit them almostdaily ,then when I do get invited to stuff its oh when we watched a film, when we went to.the pub, when we did so and so .. so its clear that the bulk of her time is spent with them.
In the pub they described themselves as best friends to a person sitting next to them in my prescence.
My friend seems to remain a kind and nice woman .
I have never experinced anything like this before. I feel quite sad when I hear what they get up to. We were , I thought close.
I dont mean to sound childish.
I would appriciate perspective. Others in our hamlet have said to me ( i dont discuss it) oh so and so are always together arnt they.. its v noticable as its most days as i said.

I guess it's a case of if you take three people, it's highly likely that two will get on better than the other two. There is a show called coach trip where each day someone gets voted of based on who they least want to remain on the coach.

It's interesting how as new people join the allegiance or who they spend most of their time with changes. It's possible that they share something in common which is more important (more interesting).

It's not a good position to be in but this is sadly part of life. I would consider although it is hard to branch out and find other friends you can hang out with.

You could ask your friend but that could be an awkward situation and could make things worse. You don't want to appear clingy. I remember once my school friends mum said the friends you have now are only for school and not for the long term. It hurt but I understood as I got older we change, jobs, interests... and this can change and affect friendships. Who you are about 20 is not who you will be at 60.

Friendship groups change. Sometimes they do stuff together and sometimes they invite the wider group

There were lots of dw's in that post!

But as I think I understand it, why don't you cut your losses and spend more time with the poor woman who has been dumped. You have been friends with her for ages too; maybe you both need to accept that your old friend has moved on to pastures new.

But yes it does sound weird .

Agree with PP. You can spend more time (if you wish to) with the other friend who has been dumped.

Personally I’d decline future invitations if they involve sitting there while they talk about what they did and where they went without you, that seems deliberately designed by one or both of them to rub your nose in it.

There are some types of people who have a new “bestie” every few months/years and your original ‘bestie’ sounds like one of those types.

It’s like being Wendied!

I get that people have more in common.

Hoever, on paper thats us .
We are for example ethical /green as are are they. The new folk .. they dont seem to have those values as central eg fly long haul, hi plastic comsumption . Am not saying anyone wrong or right. I am talking about things in common.

The ' old' group very inclusive of others, the new v much couple oreintated .

We have similar art intrerests and taste and politics. For eg.
The' old 'group didnt watch much tv at all ... Reads, not into popular culture or celebs.
New folk. Have big tv on as background, watch tv a great deal. Daytime etc and celeb etc stuff
..
The comminality is both parties have a good income and no longer need to work ( age 50).

What I struggle with is , apart from the other dw seemingly being dropped.. no idea why.. is ,did we actually know them.?. on paper we have far more in common.

Books v confessional mags.
Not much tv cf to freq/constant tv
Selective tv ( for want of a better word) vs celeb tv .
Enviromental stuff being important v does not seem on radar..
Inclusive( or was) v couples
Art, spirituality alternative( a bit). V . not at all .

So whilst I understand what you are saying, on paper we are the ones with the things in common.

We used to have such a laugh.

Other dw , who we used to invite to do things with, and I will,continue
to i
nclude in things I arrange have said that the new cple dw seems to sort of ignore them. I did not raise this until a mutal friend said she was going to ask the new dw had she done something wrong and that she cool towards her .

Oh I do spend time with the ' dumped' person.

She actually got quite depressed as contact ceased . She felt she had done something wrong and it was her fault at first.

As for her she does not particularly want to come if i organise a small gathering now to get all together as she feels uncomfortable now.

Socially,I feel bad as I dont want to actively exclude anyone including the new people ,but I know she may not come if they are there and I dont want to have to exclude or choose anyone.

I cant understand why the dw who has new friend does not think about how it affects her old friend.( the 3rd and excluded dw)

If.. for eg

she knows new dw does not like her ( just a guess)why not simply just ask her out and have a glass of wine togther.. reassure still her friend.

I dont get it. Mind you I used to be invited for cuppa etc . Not so now..it seems I have to do the running.

What is wendied! I shall look it up .

I think you are spending too much time thinking about this and you need to make efforts to widen your social circle.

Why don't you suggest doing something as the original three?

I bet their friendship will implode at some point. It sounds very suffocating!

Sorry but you sound really snobbish/judgey. Maybe they cottoned on to that or maybe your friend is worse!

boom
I did suggest that. The excluded one initially said she felt too incomfortable at this point.
Yes , agree , am going to widen own circles.

How do you know how much plastic the new couple use and what tv they watch ?

olivehater
Am not snobby at all.
Someone said that it may be that they have more in common than with us . I was simply highlighting that on paper, with egs, that it is not the case.

I’d be grateful, who wants to see any friend every day? Not me!

All you can do is carry on doing what you like doing and pretend you haven’t noticed.

That is the most I’ve ever heard someone use the word hamlet. And I’ve seen Hamlet.

I do get that it's upsetting to feel excluded but you're focusing on some really superficial things there.

I've got an English degree and still enjoy the occasional read of a Heat magazine. All the things you list are not mutually exclusive from one another. Perhaps the new couple are simply easy company.

Have you posted something about this situation before?

If not, there are other people in small places (village/hamlet) feeling excluded or baffled by friendship changes.

JSL52
Because on the occasions we have been invited the tv has been on and the discussion about what they watch.
Re plastic. Because they have said about the stuff they have such as bottled stuff not tap for eg.
I was giving examples to in answer to the question that they may have more in common with ,when in fact it does not seem an explanation and I was trying to demonstrate how .

Don't worry. I've seen this with neighbours in my old street. New ones came along and sort of disrupted the friendship lines. You get people like this but it is usually short term as they are so intense they burn themselves out, go off people or fall out with people. Bide your time. Remain friendly to everyone and it will settle down. Sern this so many times. Also in school where I used to work. It is a shame when adults regress and do this, deliberately sidelining others.

They sound manipulative.

In the meantime, shrug your shoulders and pretend it doesn't bother you and you're halfway there. All the best.

This whole thing seems massively intense

I agree that it may well burn itself out. They may not have enough in common to keep the friendship going long term. And then she will probably come running back .........

I don't like the sound of the new couple. I think you should make more effort to socialise with the friend who is being left out and don't invite that annoying group of 4 to things you are doing. Let them entertain each other! I would not be impressed with original friend at all! You have been dropped like hot potatoes! Who needs friends like that! Xxx

Was going to say exactly the same as seenoevil1. This (new friendship) will burn out as too intense. Bide your time. Stay friendly with everyone. Do things just with “dumped” friend, you don’t always have to invite the other dw who is always with the new bff.

It might be the ‘couple’ thing - some people just like being with their other halves and enjoy being with other happy couples.