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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of a year is spending time with kids and ex together

65 replies

Confusedmummy518 · 26/01/2022 12:45

So I’ve been with my partner just over 12 months. His ex, who he has kids with, is crazy. She’s verbally abusive towards him when he doesn’t do what she wants when she wants, she is horrible if he doesn’t answer the phone to her or the kids immediately. The separation is in no way amicable and he can’t stand her.
She finds some reason to call or text whenever he doesn’t have his kids because she knows he will be with me & causes nothing but drama. So why would he go out for dinner with her and the kids (teenagers).
They all know it’s over and they will not be getting back together and the kids can’t stand the falling out as she screams and shouts at him in front of them.
I’m really struggling to understand why any of them would want to spend time together like that.
He’s a fantastic dad, he will do anything for them at any time and says he’s doing it for the them but imo this creates more confusion. If it was an amicable situation then it would be different. I think his ex wants him back so it’s equally unfair to her if it’s giving false hope (which he assures me would be the case).
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PattyPan · 26/01/2022 12:47

Why do you care? It’s nothing to do with you

Suprima · 26/01/2022 12:49

@Confusedmummy518

So I’ve been with my partner just over 12 months. His ex, who he has kids with, is crazy. She’s verbally abusive towards him when he doesn’t do what she wants when she wants, she is horrible if he doesn’t answer the phone to her or the kids immediately. The separation is in no way amicable and he can’t stand her. She finds some reason to call or text whenever he doesn’t have his kids because she knows he will be with me & causes nothing but drama. So why would he go out for dinner with her and the kids (teenagers). They all know it’s over and they will not be getting back together and the kids can’t stand the falling out as she screams and shouts at him in front of them. I’m really struggling to understand why any of them would want to spend time together like that. He’s a fantastic dad, he will do anything for them at any time and says he’s doing it for the them but imo this creates more confusion. If it was an amicable situation then it would be different. I think his ex wants him back so it’s equally unfair to her if it’s giving false hope (which he assures me would be the case). Am I being unreasonable?
So crazy he had kids multiple times with her

Why are you letting yourself being dragged into this drama cesspit? Find a bloke without kids.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/01/2022 12:50

YABU.

It's not about her, it's about the kids spending time with both their parents together.

HikingforScenery · 26/01/2022 12:51

You lost me at “crazy”. You could be the ex one day. Would you be happy with the new woman calling you crazy? Do better.
He’s going to dinner with them? Maybe she’s not as crazy as you think and he CAN stand her.

Journeynotdestination · 26/01/2022 12:53

Can’t stand it when women or men call other women crazy. I bet you don’t know the half of it.

Blossomtoes · 26/01/2022 12:54

What’s your problem? It’s only dinner.

nomoreroad · 26/01/2022 12:56

Well she's clearly not so 'crazy' as he makes out. Whatever his and her motivations for the dinner, she will always be in his life. Do you really want to be part of this messy drama filled relationship? Your spidey senses are obviously telling you there's unresolved feelings between them. Leave them to it, and leave him. It's only been a year so easy to do. A lifetime with this toxicity will be draining for you and harder to walk away from as time goes on.

FinallyHere · 26/01/2022 12:56

Maybe she’s not as crazy as you think and he CAN stand her.

Maybe she is not actually 'crazy', horrible word in this context, as he has led you to believe.

Whether it's him or her, twelve months in to a new relationship there shouldn't be all this drama. Find someone else.

And maybe think about getting wise to the things people say about each other, especially ex-wives.

Santahasjoinedww · 26/01/2022 12:57

My exh used to call his ex crazy. Still shagged her when it suited though.
Get rid op. Sounds more than you should have to deal with.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2022 13:02

Wise up and run for your life, far away from this nonsense. Find a man without all this drama and bullshit in his life.

lunar1 · 26/01/2022 13:03

She's crazy, he's a perfect dad. She yells and screams upsetting the kids, yet he wants to go for a family meal, even though his children won't like it.

How is contact split? Why do you want all this drama in a new relationship?

ToykotoLosAngeles · 26/01/2022 13:04

I dunno, maybe she wanted him to pay the bill.

TootsAtOwls · 26/01/2022 13:04

Men love crazy women! He's addicted to the drama

Hankunamatata · 26/01/2022 13:05

How often? One dinner a week?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2022 13:05

You’ll have to ask him. Why is he choosing to spend time with someone he describes as mentally unstable and abusive? He’ll either explain or you’ll know he’s lying.

Tbh I wouldn’t want to be in such a dramatic set up. Life is short. Find someone who makes you happy and your life peaceful and fun.

C152 · 26/01/2022 13:07

YABU. Kids may not like to see / hear their parents fighting, but many would still like a 'family' outing regardless of whether or not their parents are divorced. Surely your partner and his ex can get through a dinner without incident? I'm sure most restaurants would ask them to leave if one or both of them was causing a scene by screaming.

He has kids. For this reason alone, his ex will be in his life forever. You either find a way to accept that, or you end the relationship and find someone more compatible with you.

His ex calling constantly is not acceptable, but it's up to your partner to answer the calls or ignore them, and to raise any issues with his ex. If he refuses to do so then, again, you either accept it or move on.

T00Ts · 26/01/2022 13:07

Maybe she’s unhappy and stressed and maybe he doesn’t let you see what the situation is really like? Maybe he’s a poor father and a worse ex and excuses it by telling you how ‘crazy’ she is? Have you witnessed this allegedly ‘crazy’ behaviour?

She sounds very unhappy and I fully suspect he could be the main cause of that.

I know so many deadbeat men who all seem to have ‘crazy’ ex partners. Funny isn’t it?

Jupitersmoonandstars · 26/01/2022 13:07

Whilst I appreciate that you may have witnessed the ex's 'crazy' behaviour and the screaming and shouting, have you ever actually spoken to her, without your DP being present?
Have you ever wondered why, if she is so 'crazy' that your DP had children with her?
Or why your DP is having dinner with her?
More to the point, why do you think she wants to get back with him?
If I was so furious with someone that I spent my time screaming and shouting at them, how does that look like a desire to be in a relationship with them?

FWIW, I dont believe she was crazy before she met your DP and I think the crazy one here is you OP, for getting involved with a man who has unresolved issues with his ex.
It wouldnt surprise me if it is your DP who wants to get back with her, not the other way around.

StrictlySinging · 26/01/2022 13:08

Sounds like he has a long established relationship with his kids and their mum.

History like that doesn’t disappear in 12 months.

I recommend you leave them to it.

MrFsAunt · 26/01/2022 13:08

Of dear OP the Ex is always "crazy' or "mental" and out to cause "drama" didn't you know? They all bloody say that ...

So so so predictable.> and yet the gullible keep swallowing it

gogohm · 26/01/2022 13:09

I see my kids with my ex, what's the big deal? Sometimes my dp is there too ( we do the same in reverse with his ex and her dp) it's called being an adult. If you have kids from a previous relationship even if they are adults you need to navigate this

TooBigForMyBoots · 26/01/2022 13:11

So many men with mad crazy Exs, yet they are happy to leave their children with her.Shock

ToykotoLosAngeles · 26/01/2022 13:13

They never say "Oh yes, my ex Susie is a lovely woman. She's a dentist. Unfortunately we grew apart".

poetryandwine · 26/01/2022 13:13

‘Crazy’ is a very derogatory word for a man to apply to the mother of his children, and for you to use towards another woman. Your partner sounds far too enmeshed with his ex and sexist for my taste. Where is his sense of agency?

If I were in your shoes I think the news of this dinner, which sounds confusing for the children, would be enough reason to put the drama behind me.

Viviennemary · 26/01/2022 13:13

Just withdraw from this relationship and let them get on with it. She will forever overshadow your life. Who wants that. You won't win.

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