Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner of a year is spending time with kids and ex together

65 replies

Confusedmummy518 · 26/01/2022 12:45

So I’ve been with my partner just over 12 months. His ex, who he has kids with, is crazy. She’s verbally abusive towards him when he doesn’t do what she wants when she wants, she is horrible if he doesn’t answer the phone to her or the kids immediately. The separation is in no way amicable and he can’t stand her.
She finds some reason to call or text whenever he doesn’t have his kids because she knows he will be with me & causes nothing but drama. So why would he go out for dinner with her and the kids (teenagers).
They all know it’s over and they will not be getting back together and the kids can’t stand the falling out as she screams and shouts at him in front of them.
I’m really struggling to understand why any of them would want to spend time together like that.
He’s a fantastic dad, he will do anything for them at any time and says he’s doing it for the them but imo this creates more confusion. If it was an amicable situation then it would be different. I think his ex wants him back so it’s equally unfair to her if it’s giving false hope (which he assures me would be the case).
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
saturdayhelicopter · 26/01/2022 13:13

This situation has red flags than the Chinese State Circus.

The ex is always crazy. It suits the narrative well and gives all sorts of excuses for his poor behaviour and her 'drama'.

Have you ever spoken to her without your partner there?

SassenachWitch · 26/01/2022 13:17

Yeah I thought the ex wife was crazy too, I was told some very believable stories about her, which were also backed up by his family.

Guess who’s the crazy ex now? 🙋🏻‍♀️

Isthatthebestyoucando · 26/01/2022 13:27

Never go out with crazy ex guy.
There are far more lying gaslighting pricks in the world upsetting their partners and making accusations about their mental health when they oppose their shit behaviour than there are genuinely unstable women.

You want to believe him because he is showing your his nice side.

2022success · 26/01/2022 13:29

The old "Crazy Ex" routine eh OP?

Gather up your self esteem and walk.

dottydodah · 26/01/2022 13:57

The situation sounds a bit of mess to me. Truth is many exes are described as "crazy" by husbands as above PP have said! In honesty his wife and kids will always be there .If you have a problem with this you would probably be better off with a single bloke or one who doesnt describe his ex like this!

AsYouWishButtercup · 26/01/2022 14:00

Beware of men who tell you their ex is crazy. Usually what they mean is “driven crazy because I was such a fuckwit”. And then you’ll be the crazy ex next

AsYouWishButtercup · 26/01/2022 14:03

@TooBigForMyBoots

So many men with mad crazy Exs, yet they are happy to leave their children with her.Shock
Yep, so crazy and unstable, but they are quite happy for her to have his children 12 days out of 14 Hmm
beaverdiego · 26/01/2022 14:07

YANBU

If she's wanting him back he should be setting clear boundaries and seeing the kids without her. You say they're teenagers so they don't all need to hang out as a big happy family.

His priority should be his children and you, not the ex.

You may get more sympathetic responses in the step-parenting board.

MrFsAunt · 26/01/2022 14:12

Y*ou may get more sympathetic responses in the step-parenting board.
*
Good advice OP: definitely no crazy women over there ...

😂.

billy1966 · 26/01/2022 14:13

@Aquamarine1029

Wise up and run for your life, far away from this nonsense. Find a man without all this drama and bullshit in his life.
Excellent advice.
KurtWilde · 26/01/2022 14:20

It suits his narrative for you to believe the ex is crazy and he's just a good dad trying to do his best..

Certainly suited my exh to call me crazy, nothing like a bit of pity to pull in the next gullible woman..

Like men who cheat and the wife 'just doesn't understand me..'

Pfft. Get rid OP, unless you like drama.

MintJulia · 26/01/2022 14:20

Are you just taking his word for it about her behaviour? Be careful not to attach too much credence to crazy ex stories.

How old are the DCs? Could it be....
One of DC's birthday
To celebrate a DC getting GCSEs
To mark some other family event
To discuss a family issue - who they prefer to live with, where they will move to, which school they might attend etc.

I'd prefer my partner agreeing to have a family pow-wow on neutral territory like a restaurant where ex is less likely to scream and throw shoes, than in her home.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2022 14:22

You lost me at "crazy ex" 🙄

mindutopia · 26/01/2022 14:40

My dad used to come over for dinner at our house, for Christmases, we even went on holiday altogether every year after my parents split. Sometimes his girlfriend came too! The reality was that he was pretty damn incompetent and just a shitty, lazy parent. He wouldn't have managed well with me on his own and he probably wouldn't have cared to do things like taking me out to dinner or on holiday. But because my mum would organise it, he'd at least show up. She did it because she felt like it was the best way to maintain some sort of relationship with him, no matter how shitty he was.

My guess would be that either (a) it's her best attempt to get him to actually spend quality time with the dc, or (b) she's not as crazy as he says and he's possibly stringing you both along.

blyn72 · 26/01/2022 14:46

Did you really have to get together with someone who has children? There are men in the world who have none.

Don't call the woman, "Crazy", people are often bitter when their marriage breaks up (especially when they have children). Stay out of this.

Sartre · 26/01/2022 14:49

I think it’s time to step away from this (relatively short) relationship.

BarbiesWorld · 26/01/2022 14:55

I have confirmation my ExH tells the women he dates I'm crazy. Funny that when he's the one repeatedly trying to get me to shag him while paying less maintenance than he should and practically ignoring our children 🤷‍♀️

VelvetChairGirl · 26/01/2022 14:55

if I had a penny for every woman who came on here talking about their partners ex being crazy/bitch etc I would be a millionaire.

honestly its none of your business, you know nothing of their history watch your own back and keep your nose clean. look after number 1 and so on.

Skeumorph · 26/01/2022 14:58

Walk away!

Clearly she isn't so 'crazy' after all, and they have nice dinners together and things are fine... which means he lies to you to keep you sweet.

Or - she is 'crazy' and it's a nightmare... which means he is incapable of having good boundaries and co-parenting properly with her.

Top that off with... 'My ex is crazy' being one of the biggest red flags there is.

Walk away and find a better bloke!

VelvetChairGirl · 26/01/2022 15:00

@nomoreroad

Well she's clearly not so 'crazy' as he makes out. Whatever his and her motivations for the dinner, she will always be in his life. Do you really want to be part of this messy drama filled relationship? Your spidey senses are obviously telling you there's unresolved feelings between them. Leave them to it, and leave him. It's only been a year so easy to do. A lifetime with this toxicity will be draining for you and harder to walk away from as time goes on.
I wouldnt necessary say any spider sense means unresolved feelings it could just be tingling because of lies and things not adding up, there could be many reasons for that, lets face it no wants to paint themselves as the bad one and lies have a tendency to unravel over time and stories change, so who knows.
Original poster
Confusedmummy518 · 26/01/2022 15:01

Ok so I didn’t actually say that he called her crazy. I call her crazy because I have witnessed her behaviour first hand on many occasions.
I have known this man for a long time and I too have children but don’t have the same issues with my ex.
Thanks for the responses.

OP posts:
Isntisironic1 · 26/01/2022 15:01

Sorry OP but you’re boyfriend sounds quite manipulative. It seems he’s told you what you want to hear

VelvetChairGirl · 26/01/2022 15:18

@Confusedmummy518

Ok so I didn’t actually say that he called her crazy. I call her crazy because I have witnessed her behaviour first hand on many occasions. I have known this man for a long time and I too have children but don’t have the same issues with my ex. Thanks for the responses.
You have no idea of their history so it really isnt your call to judge how she reacts to him after god knows how many years (did you say the kids are teenagers and youv'e been with him a year?)

I call my ex the arsehole Grin simply because he was a complete arsehole to us, wasn't to start with he slowly built up over 14 years and ended up a deeply unpleasant abusive arse.

He runs around telling everyone I am a psycho, bitch and crazy and was horribly abusive to him etc boo hoo, I think he's also claimed I want him back and would kill him rather then let anyone else have him and all kinds of absolute fantasy from his head.

I honestly dont care, he's always ran around playing victim he did the same when I met him moaning about being bullied at school etc (actually I think he was the bully), its his new girlfriends look out if she wants to kid herself and waste her time with him, not my problem and I wouldnt even bother telling her how he behaved because I know she wouldnt listen because its not what she wants to believe,so she wont until he turns on her and she cant excuse it anymore.

as I said to you in a earlier post, look after number 1 and think for yourself and pay attention, to discrepancies, your an individual, being in a relationship is about two independent individuals choosing to share their time and be happy together, its not about getting involved in anyone elses baggage you shouldn't be expected to, and you shouldn't be looking to. not your problem.

MrFsAunt · 26/01/2022 15:24

@Confusedmummy518

Ok so I didn’t actually say that he called her crazy. I call her crazy because I have witnessed her behaviour first hand on many occasions. I have known this man for a long time and I too have children but don’t have the same issues with my ex. Thanks for the responses.
But didn't you say you'd only been together 12 months?

You've only really seen a snapshot of him compared to her.

Sittingonabench · 26/01/2022 15:30

I can see the benefit of having family time with both parents but that is dependent on them modelling good behaviours. I agree that if they do family time and just verbally abuse each other then that is likely more damaging to kids than enriching. But I would stay out of it - it’s his problem to deal with and if he chooses not to then he gets to deal with the fallout.