Aibu to think

[namechangemango]

that this is not an appropriate use of my niece's DLA money?

My niece (16) is diagnosed autistic and has an emotional support dog. She gets DLA. She has told me that her dog had to go to the vet and my niece has billed her for it. It turns out my sister has had my niece pay for the cost of the purchase of the dog and all her toys and equiptment like her crate etc out of her under 18's trust fund, which has completely depeleted the balance and there are no plans for it to be replaced. My sister justified it to my niece that she needed the dog so it was an appropriate use of the money, Now I've read that under 18's aren't legally responsible for dogs.

Niece is also being charged for essential toiletries like face wash and clothes/shoes when they (genuinely) need replaced, travel etc. There has been words that there is going to be discussion of niece paying for her share of every other essential expense including food, and non essentials.

Her DLA amounts to a bit over 3k a year, she can't get a job at the moment due to continuing education. Sister doesn't earn much money herself.

I feel I should report this but sister would know it was me and I'm estranged from most other family (on my side) as they are toxic. Without getting into details she's been supporting me with personal issues

You seem to be looking for reasons or excuses as to why you may be reasonable but you are not and indeed just making yourself look worse.

I know many people have said that the mum should be paying for toiletries, but it’s not always the case with someone who has ASD or SPD.

My son has autism, and his sensory issues mean that he is incredibly sensitive to smells & textures. So his PIP pays for his specific toiletries and toothpaste, because it’s so expensive.

The rest of the family are happy to use the cheap stuff from Aldi, whereas his costs about 4x as much. IMO, that’s a very fair use of his PIP.

@melj1213

she has to pay for her share of bills including what you have said, 'Council tax, water, gas, electricity, Internet'. Literally her share of everything. It's no wonder she's been crying. People on minimum wage have more than her to live off

[quote namechangemango]@melj1213

she has to pay for her share of bills including what you have said, 'Council tax, water, gas, electricity, Internet'. Literally her share of everything. It's no wonder she's been crying. People on minimum wage have more than her to live off[/quote]
You actually said they were going to be having conversations about this, have we time travelled into the future?

Op stop you’ve already said your sister doesn’t earn much so your niece getting several hundred pounds a month while your sister is struggling. She’s 16 so that money is technically your sisters until your niece is 18 . My son gets pip it goes to me for whatever I need for him I’d be bloody fuming if some nosey sod questioned what I spent it on .

@namechangemango

Oh stop it.
yes there are going to be discussions about it and from that point she will be made to pay for those things.

[quote namechangemango]@melj1213

she has to pay for her share of bills including what you have said, 'Council tax, water, gas, electricity, Internet'. Literally her share of everything. It's no wonder she's been crying. People on minimum wage have more than her to live off[/quote]
Her share of council tax?

So £0 then.

I know many people have said that the mum should be paying for toiletries, but it’s not always the case with someone who has ASD or SPD.

I do think that parents should provide or cover the cost of basic hygiene items but if the person in receipt of DLA or PIP needs specific items/brands then their DLA/PIP should be used to pay the difference.

So, for example I always buy whichever toothpaste is cheapest on offer but if DD could only use Colgate original then I would expect a DLA/PIP payment to pay the £1.50 difference between my £1 own brand and the £2.50 Colgate but I would be putting the £1 towards the cost as that is what I would otherwise pay for toothpaste.

Likewise with soap/shampoo - I'm not brand specific so will buy whatever is available but if DD wanted a specific soap/shampoo then I would buy it but she would have to pay the difference out of her pocket money.

You are being unreasonable, they are a low income family budgeting accordingly- they aren't swanning off to the Canaries on it.

You also make yourself look a bit silly when you change your story.

[quote namechangemango]@melj1213

she has to pay for her share of bills including what you have said, 'Council tax, water, gas, electricity, Internet'. Literally her share of everything. It's no wonder she's been crying. People on minimum wage have more than her to live off[/quote]
You have a lot of information from your 16yo DN about what she is expected to pay for but you haven't actually spoken to your DSis or BIL yo ensure her information is correct and this hypothetical conversation hasn't happened yet so how do you know what they are going to ask her to contribute?

I very much doubt that they are going to expect her to start paying an equal share of all of the bills but it is not unreasonable to ask her to contribute towards the household in general, especially if they are low income and she has £250 a month that she is spending on whatever she likes and not contributing (whilst possibly also increasing the bills).

[quote namechangemango]@melj1213

she has to pay for her share of bills including what you have said, 'Council tax, water, gas, electricity, Internet'. Literally her share of everything. It's no wonder she's been crying. People on minimum wage have more than her to live off[/quote]
You didn't mention any of this in your OP. You seemed pissed off they had a dog. Now you've drip fed all this other information that I find very hard to believe. Especially as this has come from a 16 year old, who by the way, has the DLA she has been awarded in her hands. You wanted to report your sister as if there was some sort of fraud going on. There is not. Their financial management has exactly zero to do with you.

OP : Am I being unreasonable

EVERYBODY : Yes

[quote namechangemango]@melj1213

she has to pay for her share of bills including what you have said, 'Council tax, water, gas, electricity, Internet'. Literally her share of everything. It's no wonder she's been crying. People on minimum wage have more than her to live off[/quote]
So assuming this is true, what will they do if DN can't pay this?

@2022success

I don't think you understand the way the system works OP.

Your DSis (who is clearly on a very low income) will have to account for how the DLA money has been spent. If she cannot prove it has been spent on DN, then there could be financial repercussions, which would impact DN and the family. So including the dog/toiletries etc is just a legitimate accounting strategy.

You really don't have to account for anything.

Is your niece asking you for money, OP?

I can understand what you're saying but have a look at it this way this could be a good way to prepare your niece in terms of adulthood; If they give her the responsibility of paying for little things here and there. Also when families are struggling financially sometimes they have no choice but dip into savings/ benefits etc, everyone is just trying to get through the day and you reporting your sister is not going to help.

Is your sister claiming everything she is entitled to that seems a very low income for 2 adults ...is she getting carers allowance? Universal credit also has an allowance for families where a child gets DLA.

If she is struggling financially then maybe help her ...help herself there should be a local parent carers organisation which can direct to organisations that can help.

Your niece will be on PIP after 16 so need to make sure the application for that is done with help as is different from DLA.

She may also be entitled to a bursary at school/college...has she got a social worker?

Is she being expected to exist on just the 3k? Thats crazy.

Most people ime just add the dla/pip to the general household pot and get on with life.

I cant imagine EVER thinking uh oh sorry child of mine who gets PIP you can only have deodorant/stationary for college/bus money if it comes from the PIP money. Madness. And cruel.

@Wafflesnsniffles

From what my niece has told me, yes. Hence why

@TheFormidableMrsC It's unbelieveable I know. My sister was in similar circumstances when she left home at 16 and I can guess that she is trying to subconsciously project that onto my niece. According to my niece, my sister has told her that the discussion will include the budgetting of the money and how my sister will be expected to pay for all of these things out of it.

I don't know what they're claiming, I just know they're on about 20k. I can suggest it

I would also verify this information with Dsis given that you've only heard it from DN herself. It could be that she's being overly-literal and has misinterpreted something her mum said to her, or that her mum has told her she needs to pay for 'everything' meaning her own stuff and DN has taken it to mean LITERALLY everything.

@Svadhyaya

I would also verify this information with Dsis given that you've only heard it from DN herself. It could be that she's being overly-literal and has misinterpreted something her mum said to her, or that her mum has told her she needs to pay for 'everything' meaning her own stuff and DN has taken it to mean LITERALLY everything.

That is what my ASD son would do 🤷🏻‍♀️. I'm just not buying this. The OP has dripped and dripped because she was given a universal YABU. Again, it is also none of her business.

[quote namechangemango]@Wafflesnsniffles

From what my niece has told me, yes. Hence why

@TheFormidableMrsC It's unbelieveable I know. My sister was in similar circumstances when she left home at 16 and I can guess that she is trying to subconsciously project that onto my niece. According to my niece, my sister has told her that the discussion will include the budgetting of the money and how my sister will be expected to pay for all of these things out of it.

I don't know what they're claiming, I just know they're on about 20k. I can suggest it[/quote]
But again this is not what your OP was about. Your OP was about misappropriation of DLA by your sister which you wanted to report her for because it was used for a support dog. Everybody told you this was fine, particularly those of us with SN children. You've now made it sound like your sister is financially abusing her young teen. You've not discussed it with your sister, only a 16 yo with special needs. If she's anything like my son, the situation will have been completely misinterpreted. Of course you won't know this until you tell you sister that you need to discuss it with her before you report her for fraud 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you actually talked to your sister?

Perhaps she is trying to build dc life skills, perhaps she is trying to teach her budgeting, perhaps she is trying to stop her blowing all her money on crap!

[quote namechangemango]@Wafflesnsniffles

From what my niece has told me, yes. Hence why

@TheFormidableMrsC It's unbelieveable I know. My sister was in similar circumstances when she left home at 16 and I can guess that she is trying to subconsciously project that onto my niece. According to my niece, my sister has told her that the discussion will include the budgetting of the money and how my sister will be expected to pay for all of these things out of it.

I don't know what they're claiming, I just know they're on about 20k. I can suggest it[/quote]
Once your niece is not in full time education, your sister will lose her child benefit, child element of uc as well as the disabled element , be down a third on rent and be eligible for more council tax. This is a significant loss of money.
Your niece if not working/studying, will need to apply for PIP and uc.
It's going to be a transition period. If the household cannot manage without the money they will have lost this will need covering somehow. Harsh I know.

@TheFormidableMrsC

I've not been drip feeding though. Everything is included in my OP and I've just been elaborating on those things because people have misunderstood

[quote namechangemango]@TheFormidableMrsC

I've not been drip feeding though. Everything is included in my OP and I've just been elaborating on those things because people have misunderstood[/quote]
No, nobody has misunderstood. You said you wanted to report your sister over the dog issue, you then said you were "surprised" that nobody agreed with you and then you drip fed. The bottom line for me is that being a parent of an SN child is fucking hard work. We (me) have had to give up well paid jobs to care for our children on a pittance of £67 a week. Your sister is living on a pittance and I imagine the DLA makes a huge difference when you have a teen, I've got a child approaching teens so I know how it is and how it works. Yet you wanted to report your own sibling. You are appalling. Stop making excuses for your OP and start offering your sister and your niece practical assistance and budgeting advice. This has really annoyed me. I am sure I am not alone in that opinion.