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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think

84 replies

namechangemango · 26/01/2022 12:17

that this is not an appropriate use of my niece's DLA money?

My niece (16) is diagnosed autistic and has an emotional support dog. She gets DLA. She has told me that her dog had to go to the vet and my niece has billed her for it. It turns out my sister has had my niece pay for the cost of the purchase of the dog and all her toys and equiptment like her crate etc out of her under 18's trust fund, which has completely depeleted the balance and there are no plans for it to be replaced. My sister justified it to my niece that she needed the dog so it was an appropriate use of the money, Now I've read that under 18's aren't legally responsible for dogs.

Niece is also being charged for essential toiletries like face wash and clothes/shoes when they (genuinely) need replaced, travel etc. There has been words that there is going to be discussion of niece paying for her share of every other essential expense including food, and non essentials.

Her DLA amounts to a bit over 3k a year, she can't get a job at the moment due to continuing education. Sister doesn't earn much money herself.

I feel I should report this but sister would know it was me and I'm estranged from most other family (on my side) as they are toxic. Without getting into details she's been supporting me with personal issues

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/01/2022 14:27

@namechangemango

Sister and husband earn £20k a year combined in benefits/pension (early pension) the bulk of which earned by her husband
Dla for the dog seems to me is the kind of thing it meant for - the extras that help with her disability.

On that basis, I do think she ibu to charge her daughter for basics like toiletries. If nothing se she could use the CB she gets for it. If she didn't get DLA she'd still need to provide these things.

If their joint income is 20k I'm assuming she doesn't work? Does she claim carers allowance if she isn't able to work cos of DD?

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/01/2022 14:30

DLA reflects the increased costs of having a child with disabilities, in terms of them needing additional care and support. It should be spent for their benefit, and that will mean different things for different people and might include daily living expenses particularly if the household has a low income. Caring for a child with disabilities limits the job opportunities for carers, meaning the household income is often lower so sometimes it’ll include things that you would ordinarily pay for your child.

I think paying for the dog is a reasonable use, as is buying toiletries if the carers can’t afford them any other way. What do you think it should be spent on?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/01/2022 14:31

I have to say part of DSs DLA goes into the family pot because I can't work because of him and we need the money. Half is more directly set aside for his additional stuff although of course he'd not go without and he isn't presented with a bill each month totting up what he's cost me.
The qn I suppose is is your sister refusing to spend anything beyond the DLA on DD? Are they choosing not to earn more because they can just live off DDs DLA iyswim?

newnameforthis76 · 26/01/2022 14:33

The DLA money is there to be spent on things the disabled person needs, so why would it be a problem to spend it on the care of her support dog? As for your niece buying her own toiletries, I don’t really think it’s any of your business. I think plenty of teenagers buy their own toiletries and stuff, especially if they have particular ones that they like (eg I wouldn’t expect her to buy her own handwash or bog roll, but pretty normal for a teenager to buy their own favourite scented shower gel or moisturiser).

DLA, like any other benefit, is paid because the recipient has been assessed for it and is eligible. It doesn’t come with conditions for what you can or can’t buy with it.

Not your money, not your child, not your business.

BooksAndHooks · 26/01/2022 14:35

@2022success

I don't think you understand the way the system works OP.

Your DSis (who is clearly on a very low income) will have to account for how the DLA money has been spent. If she cannot prove it has been spent on DN, then there could be financial repercussions, which would impact DN and the family. So including the dog/toiletries etc is just a legitimate accounting strategy.

You don’t have to account for the money at all. It can be used on anything that will benefit the person. There is no routine checking of how it is spent.
HollaHolla · 26/01/2022 15:09

I think trying to keep a family of (at least) 3, and a dog, on £20k a year must be really super tough. If they were better off, then I would say to put the cash away for her, and make sure she had money for the future; but they don't have much spare cash, by the sound of things, and the DLA going on the assistance dog sounds fair enough, as it's something to help her with her autism. I would say that asking her to contribute to other essentials probably would be a bit 'tight', but if you don't have the money elsewhere, you don't have it.
I think you'd be VU to report her.

Sartre · 26/01/2022 15:12

Your sister is on low income and dogs cost a lot, they’re one of the most expensive pets to own. Your niece is also a teenager so will cost a lot as all teenagers do.

I don’t think your sister is wrong using the extra money for this, if she was using it on partying then you’d have a point.

Original poster
namechangemango · 26/01/2022 15:34

You must've overlooked it as I did say in my OP that there is going to be discussion of my niece contributing. Which includes food and bills out of her dla, and paying for all essentials including prescriptions and all non essentials.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/01/2022 15:34

Your DSis (who is clearly on a very low income) will have to account for how the DLA money has been spent. If she cannot prove it has been spent on DN, then there could be financial repercussions, which would impact DN and the family. no one in 6.5years has ever asked a single qn about how we spend DSs DLA

BooksAndHooks · 26/01/2022 15:43

@namechangemango

You must've overlooked it as I did say in my OP that there is going to be discussion of my niece contributing. Which includes food and bills out of her dla, and paying for all essentials including prescriptions and all non essentials.
Not much different to going in the family pot to allow a parent to give up work to provide care. Which is also a legitimate use. If household finances are limited because of caring responsibilities it can be used to compensate as it is to the persons advantage that the Carer is providing care rather than working more.
BooksAndHooks · 26/01/2022 15:44

@HollaHolla

I think trying to keep a family of (at least) 3, and a dog, on £20k a year must be really super tough. If they were better off, then I would say to put the cash away for her, and make sure she had money for the future; but they don't have much spare cash, by the sound of things, and the DLA going on the assistance dog sounds fair enough, as it's something to help her with her autism. I would say that asking her to contribute to other essentials probably would be a bit 'tight', but if you don't have the money elsewhere, you don't have it. I think you'd be VU to report her.
Even if they were better off you are not allowed to save DLA money.
BlankTimes · 26/01/2022 16:44

Even if they were better off you are not allowed to save DLA money

But no-one checks.

The only time saving it is relevant is if it puts you over the threshold for claiming other benefits that are means-tested.

I recall a case where a lady thought she was being very frugal and scrimped to save her non-means tested benefit for years, then was horrified to see all her means tested benefits stop when she was over the savings limit, it's around £16K IIRC.

melj1213 · 26/01/2022 17:03

@namechangemango

You must've overlooked it as I did say in my OP that there is going to be discussion of my niece contributing. Which includes food and bills out of her dla, and paying for all essentials including prescriptions and all non essentials.
Why should your DN not contribute to the household? £3k a year is £250 a month or just over £60 a week ... what else do you think your DN should be spending her DLA on if it doesn't go towards the costs of her dog and paying for personal toiletries and expenses she is incurring, including prescription charges?

At 16 I had a part time job while I was at school and whilst I didn't pay board to my parents that money basically covered everything that was above and beyond food, bills, school supplies and basic clothes (ie school uniform and anything I needed like a warm coat and basic tshirts/jumpers/jeans/dresses but if I wanted specific brands or if I just wanted a new tshirt but all of the ones I had were still in good condition then I had to buy it myself) - so all toiletries, clothes, books, magazines, socialising etc came out of my wages and pocket money I saved up.

Presumably your DNs autism means she is unable to get a part time job so instead she has DLA to cover her "wants" ... however if the household is on a tight budget then she needs to contribute too especially if any bills are increased because if her disability - eg my nephew has a disability which means he really feels the cold so there is always a heater on 24/7 so part of his DLA goes towards the increased heating bill - if he wasn't home then my DB and SIL would have the heating off and just put on a jumper if they were a bit chilly.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2022 17:28

@namechangemango

You must've overlooked it as I did say in my OP that there is going to be discussion of my niece contributing. Which includes food and bills out of her dla, and paying for all essentials including prescriptions and all non essentials.
And what of it? This is really none of your business and you just sound jealous that they have what you perceive to be "extra money".
XenoBitch · 26/01/2022 17:36

YABVU it is absolutely none of your business. Your niece has been assessed and awarded DLA, and that is the end of it.

Svadhyaya · 26/01/2022 17:36

Presumably the DLA goes into your sister's account so she isn't 'charging' niece for the toiletries as such, just paying for them out of the DLA that has been paid in (possibly because there's not enough money in there otherwise)?

Original poster
namechangemango · 26/01/2022 17:41

Niece was crying to me about how she doesn't know how she'll pay for all essentials and non essentials on 3k a year. So that includes all basic food, basic clothes/shoes/coat, travel, everything. Which feels very mean, and not her responsibility. Sister has been giving her the money to manage. I'm just parroting what I've been told.

OP posts:
QuiteAtALoss · 26/01/2022 17:44

Told by the 16yo? Hmm

Original poster
namechangemango · 26/01/2022 17:58

Yes. Told by the 16yo

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2022 17:59

@namechangemango

Niece was crying to me about how she doesn't know how she'll pay for all essentials and non essentials on 3k a year. So that includes all basic food, basic clothes/shoes/coat, travel, everything. Which feels very mean, and not her responsibility. Sister has been giving her the money to manage. I'm just parroting what I've been told.
So on the back of a 16 year old telling you this, you decided that you were going to report your sister for misappropriation of the DLA. It sounds to me as if your sister is trying to teach her some responsibility, the value of money, the value of budgeting which is exactly what I'll be teaching my son when he's old enough to be responsible for his DLA.
TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2022 18:03

Also in your OP you said your niece was being "charged" yet now you are saying that her mum is giving her the money to manage herself so she's not being charged is she? It's not the same thing by a long shot.

melj1213 · 26/01/2022 18:10

@namechangemango

Niece was crying to me about how she doesn't know how she'll pay for all essentials and non essentials on 3k a year. So that includes all basic food, basic clothes/shoes/coat, travel, everything. Which feels very mean, and not her responsibility. Sister has been giving her the money to manage. I'm just parroting what I've been told.
So basically she's worried about having to budget ... your DSis could just put the money into the family pot to account for your DNs expenses but instead she has given her the money and told her she has to budget her expenses out of that money.

That is not unreasonable at all, although your DN clearly needs more support to sit down and work out a budget - I earn not much more than NMW and once I have paid the rent and essential bills (Council tax, water, gas, electricity, Internet) I have not much more money than your DN to cover food/transport/clothes/socialising etc for both DD and I so a 16yr old should be more than capable of funding herself from the money she gets, she just needs to be shown how to budget.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 26/01/2022 18:18

It’s nothing to do with you op , don’t you dare report this what a mean interfering sister you are . Benefits are used for whatever they want unless they are using it to fund their heroin habit then keep out of it .

Svadhyaya · 26/01/2022 18:20

I don't see a problem with it. It's no different to a neurotypical 16 year old having an allowance or a Saturday job. It sounds like Dsis is trying to teach DN about budgetting.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/01/2022 18:24

Is appropriate use of DLA different from appropriate use of PIP? DS 10 has been known to ask to treat us all to McDonald's with his. Adult DS spends a large proportion of his PIP on Lego.