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Original poster

To despair over DH's snoring

54 replies

sunnyfields25 · 26/01/2022 10:40

Hi all

DH and I have been together 12 years and he's been snoring for the past few of them. I think it started after our DS (now 4.5 was born). Not a massive issue until recently as we had a spare bedroom, but now we've got DD (9 months) in her own room, there's no escape!

DH will sleep on a camp bed in the living room if I ask him to but that's not a long-term solution - it's small and uncomfortable, and needs packing away each morning.

I lie awake each night trying to figure out my options and all I can come up with is:

  1. Divorce
  2. Move to bigger house with spare room
  3. DH magically stops snoring

I really don't want to get divorced. And moving house isn't realistic as we couldn't afford a bigger house in the same area. So we'd have to uproot and move away from our support network, take DS out of his school etc. Which leaves DH stopping snoring. He acknowledges he needs to lose weight, and that is probably one of the main causes. But although he was making an effort before Christmas, the weight has crept back on again and we're back to square one.

I know DH can't control the snoring each night and so for that I'm not blaming him. But I can't help feeling an increasing sense of resentment and frustration with him and it's affecting our relationship. How can I feel affectionate towards someone who effectively tortures me every night?! I think the frustration comes from DH's lack of action in trying to tackle the problem, especially as I've been warning him for several years that this situation - where we have a second DC and lose the spare room - would be unmanagable.

I go back to work in a few months and currently I'm not safe to drive most days due to lack of sleep. I am panicking.

Sorry for the sleep-deprived ramble.

If anyone has any ideas that we may not have tried I would be eternally grateful!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyfields25 · 26/01/2022 10:41

Sorry, accidentally turned voting on Confused

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 26/01/2022 10:45

DH's "pneumatic drill on verge of killing him" snoring magically vanished (or at least decreased to manageable levels) when he tried a snoring mouthpiece. Worth a go if you've not tried already?

SmolCat · 26/01/2022 10:45

Option 3 involves no magic. But it does involve your DP being proactive about sorting it out: losing weight, trying remedies like the nose strips etc and potentially visiting the GP.

For me it would be a serious discussion about what needs to happen plus him on the camp bed every night until it does.

RhodaDendron · 26/01/2022 10:50

I feel you, also married to a snorer here!
Options:
Trundle in kids room? Our kids seem to sleep through it better than me!
Get the best sofa bed you can afford with a proper mattress and that is easy to pack away
Long term, as you say, it’s weight loss, bigger house - or we are planning a loft conversion for more bedrooms?

cuddlymunchkin · 26/01/2022 10:53

Is he overweight? My partner stopped snoring when he lost weight.

CMOTDibbler · 26/01/2022 10:54

Option 4: He gets off his bum and goes to the GP for referral to a sleep clinic to actually do something about it. Write a note about the effect of his snoring on you, download a snoring app so it can be recorded, and tell him outright that he needs to do something about it sharpish.
If you can throw some money at it, tell him to contact Resmed and see them privately to see if he has OSA, then it would be a single visit.
The birth of our DS was what made my DH go and sort out his life long terrible snoring. Turned out he had very, very severe OSA, and for the last 15 years has been on CPAP, and his latest machine is virtually silent, and he has never snored since he started CPAP

cuddlymunchkin · 26/01/2022 10:54

Just saw your OP saying he IS overweight. He needs to tackle that and the camp he’d will be an incentive to get on with that. Otherwise it’s you who has your life compromised and affected by his snoring. You need to make life uncomfortable for HIM, then he might do something about it.

cuddlymunchkin · 26/01/2022 10:55

Camp bed not camp he’ll

IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 26/01/2022 10:59

I second anti snoring mouth guard. Worked well for my DH.

Dentists will make a bespoke one. Or you can order cheaper generic ones online.

Earplugs for you too!

Captainj1 · 26/01/2022 11:03

This would drive me insane. You need to explain to him what an impact it is having on your life. He needs to lose weight or he will lose you! In the meantime get yourself some great earplugs if you can, I know it’s hard when kids are young and you have to be able to hear them…

SunSparkle · 26/01/2022 11:09

Try one of the moulded mouth guards first and if that doesn't help definitely get a sleep study from the GP. He may need a CPAP. My partner did and it's revolutionised both of our sleep.

MiddleOfThePack · 26/01/2022 11:10

Get to your GP and get him checked for sleep apnoea if he stops breathing whilst snoring. My DH snored like a train and often stopped breathing for a minute or so. It can be fatal to your DH so needs sorting.

He won't be aware of course as he's asleep so record him during the night and show it to the GP too.

In any case, get hold of a CPAP machine or similar. It's a lifesaver for him and a marriage saver for you.

Dixiechickonhols · 26/01/2022 11:50

He needs to see gp. Overweight and snoring so loudly he probably has a medical condition like sleep apnea. It’s not good for him or you.
Short term bed settee or baby back in with you and him in baby’s room.

SENSchoolDiaries · 26/01/2022 11:55

@SmolCat

Option 3 involves no magic. But it does involve your DP being proactive about sorting it out: losing weight, trying remedies like the nose strips etc and potentially visiting the GP.

For me it would be a serious discussion about what needs to happen plus him on the camp bed every night until it does.

Your DH needs to be sleeping in a different room for now. What’s the point of sleeping in the same bed, if you’re struggling to sleep?

I’d be in such a foul mood!

Scottishflower65 · 26/01/2022 12:06

For my husband, a pint of water before bed, and another half way through the night makes a huge difference.

Meowwwwwww · 26/01/2022 12:15

We tried every internet device I could find, including basically taping my DH’s mouth closed , and we ended up with these. They’re pricey but cheaper than a divorce and they take some getting used to but they’ve helped a LOT. The key is to put them in before bed every night and don’t wait until you’ve already been woken up. I was getting so hostile to my husband even though I knew it wasn’t his fault he was snoring.

www.bose.co.uk/en_gb/products/headphones/noise_masking_sleepbuds/noise-masking-sleepbuds-ii.html

Murderinparadise · 26/01/2022 12:56

I’m seconding the sleep clinic. Took me years to persuade my husband to go. He used to fall asleep at all times when he sat down as he was chronically sleepy. Gp referred him and the sleep clinic found he was stopping breathing multiple times over night. He now wears a cpap machine overnight and our lives are transformed.

QuiteAtALoss · 26/01/2022 13:00

I seriously cannot imagine being so selfish as to not care that I was disrupting my partners's sleep to such an extent. Lack of sleep is linked to all sorts of chronic health conditions and even dying younger. It's no laughing matter, to be brushed off in the hope you stop "nagging."

gamerchick · 26/01/2022 13:02

Sleep clinic. I got my own room long before my husband went but it's been a godsend that CPAP.

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/01/2022 13:05

Separate bedrooms was the only solution for me. It was either that or divorce (I'm totally serious).

trekcrockett · 26/01/2022 13:08

Separate rooms...marriage saver!
Even if I slept with ear plugs in, the vibrations of the snoring would wake me. I'd lie awake plotting his snoring demise, which in turn led to me being even more tired and angry with him. The cheery, "good morning, sleep ok?" question had me riled each morning.
Even a sofa bed downstairs is better than anything.

theemmadilemma · 26/01/2022 13:11

Yes, sleep clinic. I'd got used to DP's snoring to a point, but it was getting worse and then I happened to be awake to witness an actual apnea and it scared the shit out of me. Off he went to the clinic.

He's happy, has more energy as he sleeps better and there is no snoring! It did take a bit for him to wear it religiously. But once he started and got the full effects, he bought right into it.

Tulipomania · 26/01/2022 13:13

Also married to a snorer.

If he loses weight, it definitely helps. (Worked for my DH, although he is putting it back on again now).

Silicon earplugs for me.

Psychology also important - a tip I got from here. If you remind yourself that you can tune out loud noises e.g. traffic then it helps to not get agitated and angry about the snoring and you are more likely to go back to sleep.

mrsbyers · 26/01/2022 13:14

Separate bedrooms for us and even then I wear industrial strength foam earplugs

He actually had surgery to remove his tonsils and flappy bits of skin and didn’t fix it so I can’t grumble he’s tried and I just couldn’t handle the constant turn on your side on repeat every night

Gobolino80 · 26/01/2022 13:24

I feel for you. I end up in the spare room more often than not these days and if I didn't have that option it would be so miserable.
Even when DP isn't full on snoring, he breathes through his mouth in his sleep and it's so noisy.
He knows that smoking is a massive contributing factor and he's trying to give up, and whilst I'm trying to be supportive I do get frustrated that him quitting would do us both the world of good. He takes himself off to the spare room if he's had a few drinks now as he knows that will mean he snores too.
He's spoken to the GP and it's looking like he will be referred to a sleep clinic. He's relayed to the Dr what I've told him about the snoring. Sometimes it's so loud that it sounds like it must be hurting him (I can't believe he doesn't wake up with a sore throat) and can be so loud that it even keeps me awake in the spare room.
I really think your DH should go and see a Dr, there are things that can be done.