To despair over DH's snoring

[sunnyfields25]

Hi all

DH and I have been together 12 years and he's been snoring for the past few of them. I think it started after our DS (now 4.5 was born). Not a massive issue until recently as we had a spare bedroom, but now we've got DD (9 months) in her own room, there's no escape!

DH will sleep on a camp bed in the living room if I ask him to but that's not a long-term solution - it's small and uncomfortable, and needs packing away each morning.

I lie awake each night trying to figure out my options and all I can come up with is:

1. Divorce
2. Move to bigger house with spare room
3. DH magically stops snoring

I really don't want to get divorced. And moving house isn't realistic as we couldn't afford a bigger house in the same area. So we'd have to uproot and move away from our support network, take DS out of his school etc. Which leaves DH stopping snoring. He acknowledges he needs to lose weight, and that is probably one of the main causes. But although he was making an effort before Christmas, the weight has crept back on again and we're back to square one.

I know DH can't control the snoring each night and so for that I'm not blaming him. But I can't help feeling an increasing sense of resentment and frustration with him and it's affecting our relationship. How can I feel affectionate towards someone who effectively tortures me every night?! I think the frustration comes from DH's lack of action in trying to tackle the problem, especially as I've been warning him for several years that this situation - where we have a second DC and lose the spare room - would be unmanagable.

I go back to work in a few months and currently I'm not safe to drive most days due to lack of sleep. I am panicking.

Sorry for the sleep-deprived ramble.

If anyone has any ideas that we may not have tried I would be eternally grateful!

I would say he stays on the camp bed until he loses weight.

I'd encourage talking to thr gp he may need a sleep clinic. He might need a cpap machine or there are other options such as mouth pieces to control the snoring.

My DH has lost a good amount of weight, walks 25k steps each day and still snores, so losing weight might not solve everything. If we had to sleep in the same room, I'd probably have gone insane by now. I'd also try the camp bed/sofa bed solution, even though it's a pain to put away.

I also use the Bose sleep buds mentioned upthread. I sleep so much better generally since using them.

I snore, I absolutely hate it but luckily we do have a spare room that DH can go to - I would but then my snoring would disturb DD.
It started about 5 years ago and while I am overweight I haven’t gained any in around 10 years or more. I don’t sleep on my back or smoke or drink and I absolutely hate that I keep other people awake.
Your DH might be equally mortified and while I agree sympathy should be kept for the sleep deprived I am actually pretty tired too because when I snore DH wakes me up (reasonable)

Option 4: He gets off his bum and goes to the GP for referral to a sleep clinic to actually do something about it.

This, and lose weight.

If I put on a relatively small amount of weight, probably 10lb I start snoring. When my husband tells me I'm snoring I make the effort to lose a few lbs. An ENT my son once saw told me that 7lb made a difference to whether he snored or not. He doesn't need to lose loads to potentially make a difference. It's incredibly selfish when there may be a relatively easy fix that he isn't doing everything he can.

He's selfish.

If he cared about your well being he'd lose the weight.

Wow thanks so much for the replies!

I don't think I've been fair in how I've portrayed DH so I want to just clarify a few things. I'm pretty sure he does feel bad about keeping me awake snoring. And he would probably sleep on the camp bed every night if I let him, it was me who told him to come back in our room after several weeks recently because I worry about his back and we can't have a folded-up bed propped against a wall now DD is mobile, it's not safe.

A few people have mentioned a sleep clinic, and that's what I'd been hoping for. But a few years ago DH went to the GP, after some nagging from me, and he got referred to a consultant. My memory's a bit hazy but I think it was ENT. Anyway, DH came back with the impression he was going to be assessed in a sleep clinic. But when the letter came through the post it was basically saying the consultant couldn't do anything to help and DH was being discharged from the service. I never really understood what had happened, but that was that. I don't know if it's worth DH going back to the GP and trying again, or if that ship has sailed.

DH is receptive to trying things, but only if I do the legwork of researching and suggesting specifically what we should do. For example we tried a mouth device (not custom made) which sadly didn't work. And we've got a special pillow that's meant to encourage side sleeping (doesn't work). I think this is the bit that I resent - it's always me having to do the research and come up with ideas. Even now, posting on Mumsnet for advice - it's me doing it when it should be DH.

DH works really hard and often stays up late at night trying to get jobs done around the house. So I think he simply doesn't have time to focus on the snoring, and is probably too exhausted to make a serious effort with the weight loss. Normally I'd try to be understanding of this but my patience has gradually evaporated.

Really of everything suggested I think the most promising options are weight loss and assessment for sleep apnea. By both of them require active involvement by DH. I also like the look of the earbuds but you're right @Meowwwwwww they are eye-wateringly expensive! Do they do a better job than normal earplugs?

Wax earplugs (way better than other kinds) and get to sleep before he comes to bed.

Mine is in denial- claims he’s been awake all the time when I wake him up and complain loudly. The best thing for me is to get to bed and sleep before he does - if I’m already asleep it doesn’t seem to wake me. I must be used to it and sleep through it.
But he goes to sleep first it is horrific. I wake him up every time and tell him. Eventually I fall asleep before he does. Occasionally I’ve slept in the spare room/Univ student DCs room - not possible when DC is home though.
He’s overweight and won’t do anything about it. Ive told him that he has sleep apnoea as he sometimes doesn’t breathe for a while and then takes a great big spluttering breath. Still won’t go to the Dr.

@RedskyThisNight could you please let us know which mouthpiece your husband used? Thank you!

I am not sure if you have mentioned alcohol OP but he needs to quit that if he drinks at all.

I snore like a train if I drink, but only DCat to disturb

Also maried to a snorer and have taken refuge in spare room.

In the medium term your DH needs to own the problem - lose weight, get a mouthfuard etc. I would get him to go back to GP and say this is having an adverse impact on his life, ruining his marriage etc.

In the medium term I would put your DH in the baby’s room and move the baby in with you. She does not need her own room. Once she is a bit older you can put her in with her brother and they can share until he is 8 or so.

@golddustwomen It's this one www.amazon.co.uk/Stopper-Adjustable-Snoring-Devices-Mouthpiece/dp/B09FYYVKX7/ref=sr_1_7?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

After 40 years of the most horrific snoring from my husband, I had tried most types of earplugs, bought sprays for his throat etc, etc, I went to a hearing centre and had some specially made earplugs. These do not completely cut out the snoring, but it is at a much-reduced level and combined with my prescription for Amytryptaline at night (for fibromyalgia) it does stop the murderous feelings I have towards him at night!!

I was married to a snorer. Thankfully he only does it rarely nowadays.
We tried all sorts of things which did not work. He could snore in any position. He insisted that he did not snore and got quite angry with me. Then I recorded him and he realised it was awful !
He went to the doctor's and ended up being referred to the hospital where he had an op in the Day Case Unit. He was told not to eat or drink and arrive at 9am. We waited and waited. I had to go to the reception and remind them that he was diabetic ! At last he was wheeled in at 11.30. He ended up having to stay in until the next day.
That cured it temporarily but a few years later he was put on a CPAP machine which sadly did not work very well as he could not get to sleep as it was too noisy and he also ended up with a very sore rash.
You might wonder what I was doing all this time as we had no spare room. Initially when it got bad, I slept on the sofa. In the end I put in ear phones on and listened to music. Now I find it difficult to sleep without music !

What works for me is going to bed way before partner to make sure I am in a deep sleep before he comes to bed. I also only have coffee in the morning and no other caffeine after lunch so I fall asleep better and have a better sleep. If he wakes me up I put in Loop Ear Plug (google them) and ask him to lie on his side helps a lot. I feel ur pain I also recorded him one night and let him listen to it in the morning so he knew I wasn’t being dramatic and he has a lot more sympathy. It is torture for sure.

Really do go back to the GP and demand a sleep clinic appointment, especially if he’s tired during waking hours and/or stops breathing for a few seconds whilst snoring. Untreated sleep apnoea is dangerous and many studies are now linking it with dementia and loss of cognitive function in later life. If it is sleep apnoea, mouthpieces and earbuds will get you nowhere as you need a proper CPAP machine.

Can the children share a bedroom at those ages? It's not a long term solution but maybe you could work towards moving to a 4 bed in a few years when they are older and need separate rooms more?

A cpap machine saved my relationship. We could afford for my DH to get a private assessment but I'm afraid to say I had similar issues actually getting him to do anything about it. I started sleeping downstairs every night so that it actually affected him as he missed me so he got it sorted. Can't tell you how much I love that little machine

With DP it’s alcohol – contributes to the weight gain but also causes the snoring.

He’s quit. And started running. In the meantime, until he hits “magic non-snoring weight” (which exists for him and is heaven for me) he’s on the sofa bed downstairs, and we are planning on a move to somewhere with a spare room.

Your DH needs to take proactive steps to fix this. It’s not fair to just continue as he is while you slowly die of sleep deprivation. Get the camp bed or sofa bed, boot him out of the nice bed, and he’s not allowed back in until he’s sorted it out.

My DH's snoring has really improved since getting a bespoke mouthguard from the dentist, it was about £250 but worth it! He has an app on his phone which monitors his snoring (Snore Lab) and his snoring has decreased from 87/100 (terrible!!!) to 18/100 (bearable).

He thinks his snoring is due to taking the anti depressant venlafaxine as it started at the same time and apparently a lot of people have had the same issue.

I was married to an epic snorer and some of it was due to genetic arrangement of the nose and throat I think as my ds who is fit and skinny also snores a bit. But weight, alcohol, antidepressants and age all made it much worse.

Would he fill in the Epworth questionnaire for obstructive sleep apnoea? Google it, and the scores. Fill it in together as he's likely to underestimate the scores. That might give him something to go to the GP with, but even if it doesn't, if you don't understand what the GP meant or what other options might exist, you need togo back to the GP. At worst you will get an explanation of what the letter said, whereas it's more likely the letter says 'if it still troubles him in X period of time, refer him back' and you'll have a route back in. (Did you ever see the letter?) Go with him

Of course he should do it, but the fact is that this bothers you more than it bothers him. Though if it is OSA, he will benefit enormously from treatment.

What weight was he before he started snoring and what weight is he now?