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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL unreasonable?

60 replies

strawhatblonde · 24/01/2022 18:48

I posted here before about the decision of moving to the states to be with my fiance or him moving here.

OH has firmly said he will move here. He knows it will be indefinite (kids, their ages/schools and elderly cat) and he is happy with that. He has considered what he is losing vs what I would lose, and feels he would be happy here. The idea being he rents somewhere initially then moves in with me later on down the line.

MIL not happy at all - understandably - wants her son to stay in the states. He was on the phone with her and told her he wants to move here. I then get a message saying "you know I love you but it would crush me if my son moved to England, just being honest I wouldn't tell him though. Marry there but live here"

I told my best friend and her reaction matched mine - WTAF. Is that not emotionally manipulative? And also a bit controlling? This is NOT what she is saying to OH obviously.

To OH she says she'll get a passport (he thinks she means to visit... what I think she actually means is "ok you have the wedding where you want but live where I want")

Her and OH are going to see an immigration lawyer (her idea) to "see where is best to marry and best to live" so OH thinks she is considering England.. she's not.

OH told her to back off pressuring me because she's then messaging me saying how medication is "only" $200 per month and without a discount would be a lot more.... I'm saying well it's £10 here!!

I am being adult about it and explaining to her I have done my research. My kids could end up doing another year at school as the grades have different brackets (eldest is yr 7 here but would be 6th grade there for example). My cat would not be insured as she's too old (she's 16, been insured here since kitten), she also has a heart murmur that she is medicated for, so we would be paying for that. Other cat's insurance is more in 1 month there than it is all year here. And then there's health insurance, cheapest quote I could find doesn't include everything and was hundreds of dollars (vs free) because welfare/medicaid doesn't kick in until we're citizens. Also the cost of rent, car insurance etc etc... figured it all out and sent it to her.

I am getting really irritated with things, OH is insistent he will move here and doesn't care what anyone else thinks, he can rent a room here for minimal cost compared to what he pays over there. He's able to get a work visa. It's cheaper, quicker and easier for him to move here in comparison. He says it's his choice as he's a grown man and his mum will get over it.

Now I feel like she is being unreasonable but at the same time I feel guilty for taking her only son away.

I'm a very non-confrontational person, I don't like drama, so I'd rather walk away than deal with bs like this, AIBU here?

OP posts:
MooSakah · 24/01/2022 18:52

If he's your fiance why would he be renting a room somewhere?

Ffsmakeitstop · 24/01/2022 18:59

Try and ignore her. You fiance sounds happy to make the move so let him. Don't miss the chance for a happy life. Does he know his mum has been pressuring you? Sorry if I've missed that. If not you should tell him.

IsDaveThere · 24/01/2022 19:06

YABU because your OH should be dealing with his mother, not you. Why are you getting quotes and sending them to her? Your OH says that he is happy to move and that his mother will get over it, he is right.

I have to ask the same question as a previous poster though, if he is your fiancé, why would he be renting a room and not moving in with you?

Feedingthebirds1 · 24/01/2022 19:08

I am being adult about it and explaining to her I have done my research. My kids could end up doing another year at school as the grades have different brackets (eldest is yr 7 here but would be 6th grade there for example). My cat would not be insured as she's too old (she's 16, been insured here since kitten), she also has a heart murmur that she is medicated for, so we would be paying for that. Other cat's insurance is more in 1 month there than it is all year here. And then there's health insurance, cheapest quote I could find doesn't include everything and was hundreds of dollars (vs free) because welfare/medicaid doesn't kick in until we're citizens. Also the cost of rent, car insurance etc etc... figured it all out and sent it to her.

None of that is relevant, as she's not interested in facts, only feelings. It's his decision, and he's made up his mind. I understand that it's going to be hard for her, so maybe explain to her that she can come and visit regularly? I know on MN visitors aren't generally welcome for long and I get why, but it may be something you have to accept.

WhenTheyComeForYou · 24/01/2022 19:08

Why is your MIL playing such a big role in his/your lives?

He's an adult, you're a mother. She shouldn't be very involved with the decision at all.

YANBU to think she's being overbearing and manipulative. I would show your OH the message and, personally, I would only want him to come over if he just got on and did it. Less talking, more doing

MatildaTheCat · 24/01/2022 19:09

You don’t need to get bogged down in details with her. You both say, ‘we know this will be hard for you but it’s the best solution for us.’ And repeat.

Motnight · 24/01/2022 19:09

I remember your previous thread, Op. I still think that you are really rushing things.

HollowTalk · 24/01/2022 19:09

I really think you should proceed with caution with this relationship. Are you absolutely sure he can get a Visa with his job? If he's only renting now, surely his job isn't that highly paid and significant.

LittleOwl153 · 24/01/2022 19:13

I'd probably screenshot the message, forward to him and then respond something along the line of "sorry you feel that way. However we are doing what we think is best for all of us Inc the children and would appreciate you accepting that"

If she responded with anything other than "yes of course" I probably block her for a while u till you have things sorted and tell OH why. Who needs that added stress.

Howshouldibehave · 24/01/2022 19:13

@Motnight

I remember your previous thread, Op. I still think that you are really rushing things.
How long have you been together, @strawhatblonde?
namechange30455 · 24/01/2022 19:14

Why on earth are you explaining yourself to his mother?

By trying to reason with her you're just giving her more to pick holes in and argue with.

Original poster
strawhatblonde · 24/01/2022 19:14

thanks for the replies. He's going to rent initially because it's always been a trans-atlantic relationship and I took on board a lot of advice I got on here.

He can definitely get a visa, he rents in the states because that's what he's always done. Long story short - he moved in with an ex when he was young, she was already renting the place. She then left (moved in with the guy she cheated on him with!) and he stayed put basically, because the rent was cheap and he had no real reason to move. He would buy a house if I moved over there, but he's happy where he is if not.

OP posts:
LethargicActress · 24/01/2022 19:14

I feel sorry for her. She’s obviously scared of being alone and her closest relative being so far away. She’s wrong to say what she’s saying to you, but it will be coming from fear, not malice.

But why are you justifying it all to her based on finances? You have children whose lives are here. They shouldn’t be moved away from their home, especially for someone you aren’t even ready to live with. Surely that’s more than enough good reason for her.

ProudThrilledHappy · 24/01/2022 19:14

I remember your previous thread. You’ve known this guy just over a year and were debating moving your kids to another country for him. It does feel very fast.

ittakes2 · 24/01/2022 19:23

How much time have you spent with him if you have never lived in the same country?

Original poster
strawhatblonde · 24/01/2022 19:34

I am ready to live with him, it is just for my kids' sake I am taking it more slowly after taking on board advice from here.

We've spent a couple of months (around 9ish weeks?) together and obviously lived in each other's homes during that time. He is flying back in a couple of weeks for another 3 weeks, and then I plan to visit him in April for 3 weeks, that's usually the routine of it.

I appreciate his mum is acting out of fear. She has 2 kids and 7 step-kids, she is close to all of them but OH is her baby, very much a momma's boy (which I like). She is worried about him leaving her, I get that. But telling me where to marry and live like that? Seems wrong. And then basically giving in and letting me marry where I want as long as I live there... seems manipulative.

OP posts:
TheHoptimist · 24/01/2022 19:37

Posted before?
You started a thread a few days ago on which you were given extensive advice that you ignored.

It isnt you MIL- it is the mother of an online relationship that you have spent a small amount of time with but want to prioritise above your poor children

No wonder the woman is worried.

I am uncertain if you are a troll or delusional

Suzanne999 · 24/01/2022 19:37

If you’ve only known each other a year and it’s been a long distance relationship then you’re being sensible in staying in the UK. If it goes pear shaped he only has himself to move back —- you’d have kids in school.
Also him renting somewhere of his own is sensible. That way you’ve each got your own space, as have your children, and you can all get used to the idea of living as a family.
Stay put, let him deal with his mother. I hope it all works out for you.

TheHoptimist · 24/01/2022 19:40

Oh and he isnt eligible for NHS prescriptions

Darbs76 · 24/01/2022 19:43

Surely she understands why he’s moving here instead of you and your kids upping stick and moving. I’d just do what someone else said, that we understand it’s difficult for you but this is the best option for us all as a family and you’re always welcome to visit.

Those saying you’re still rushing, how are you going to get to know each other if one of you doesn’t move? Sounds very sensible for him to move to the U.K. and rent for a while, to take things slowly. Promise MIL to be long summers in the US when kids are on school breaks

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/01/2022 20:03

I'm glad you decided to do it this way OP, and him renting is a sensible idea.

She's out of order obviously, but it's a hard situation for a parent. Two things though 1) why are you sending her quotes? It's got nothing to do with her. 2) why is your boyfriend visiting an immigration lawyer with her? - that might be taking being a momma's boy too far. (And why is he still debating where best to live with the lawyer, I thought he'd decided he wants to move?)

Anyway, leave them to it. Stop engaging with her. And see if can stand up to her, if he can't - you dodged a bullet.

Original poster
strawhatblonde · 24/01/2022 20:05

Part of the visa paperwork involves an NHS surcharge so he would be able to use the NHS and get prescriptions. He makes a one off payment each year until he has citizenship. I think this is in the region of £500 IIRC

i really don’t understand why I am being called a troll or delusional because I said I started a thread before… I took on board the advice. The advice was that he moves and rents his own place here. That’s what is happening.

What else are we supposed to do? We spend as much time as we can together in person. Unless one of us moves, that is all we can do.

He is happy to move. It is quicker, easier and cheaper. If it goes wrong, he can go to the states and live at his mum’s til he finds his own place. Finding a job is easier for him. He has family to support him emotionally and financially. I would have nobody and nothing which is why I won’t do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawhatblonde · 24/01/2022 20:08

I think the reason he wants to see the lawyer is to get help with the paperwork. She wants to see a lawyer to find out how to get me there. Very different desires!

I was sending her quotes to prove the point, she thinks because I’d earn so much more over there (which is true) that it would be amazingly different… I was proving the point that it’s earn more, spend more. It wouldn’t be the easy rich life she’s making it out to be. If anything it’s more expensive. She already knows how I feel about moving the kids and all the people and things I’d leave behind so the quotes are just the icing on the cake

Thanks for all the advice everyone

OP posts:
AffIt · 24/01/2022 20:09

I remember your previous thread.

I doubt he will be obtain a visa for longer than six months initially (and even that will be highly dependent on what he does - in addition, he will have to prove that he has a secured a job in the UK and/or has sufficient savings to support himself). He will also struggle to rent in the UK without a UK bank account, although I suppose a long term AirBnB lease or similar is a possibility.

Bear in mind that, as an American citizen, he will also have to continue to pay tax in the US while working or living in the UK, and that can get very complicated.

The fact that you are engaged means nothing to immigration - a very good friend of mine married an American woman (who is now also a very good friend!) and they went through five years of HELL ensuring that she could continue to stay in the country, even though they were married (my American friend eventually applied for, and got, British citizenship, but that was another painful exercise in endurance).

All things being equal, this man's mother is the least of your problems right now (and to an extent, I have to say I rather agree with her cautious approach).

Think very, very carefully about this, in all its respects. Oh, and do not - no matter what - promise any kind of financial help or guarantorship.