MIL unreasonable?

[strawhatblonde]

I posted here before about the decision of moving to the states to be with my fiance or him moving here.

OH has firmly said he will move here. He knows it will be indefinite (kids, their ages/schools and elderly cat) and he is happy with that. He has considered what he is losing vs what I would lose, and feels he would be happy here. The idea being he rents somewhere initially then moves in with me later on down the line.

MIL not happy at all - understandably - wants her son to stay in the states. He was on the phone with her and told her he wants to move here. I then get a message saying "you know I love you but it would crush me if my son moved to England, just being honest I wouldn't tell him though. Marry there but live here"

I told my best friend and her reaction matched mine - WTAF. Is that not emotionally manipulative? And also a bit controlling? This is NOT what she is saying to OH obviously.

To OH she says she'll get a passport (he thinks she means to visit... what I think she actually means is "ok you have the wedding where you want but live where I want")

Her and OH are going to see an immigration lawyer (her idea) to "see where is best to marry and best to live" so OH thinks she is considering England.. she's not.

OH told her to back off pressuring me because she's then messaging me saying how medication is "only" $200 per month and without a discount would be a lot more.... I'm saying well it's £10 here!!

I am being adult about it and explaining to her I have done my research. My kids could end up doing another year at school as the grades have different brackets (eldest is yr 7 here but would be 6th grade there for example). My cat would not be insured as she's too old (she's 16, been insured here since kitten), she also has a heart murmur that she is medicated for, so we would be paying for that. Other cat's insurance is more in 1 month there than it is all year here. And then there's health insurance, cheapest quote I could find doesn't include everything and was hundreds of dollars (vs free) because welfare/medicaid doesn't kick in until we're citizens. Also the cost of rent, car insurance etc etc... figured it all out and sent it to her.

I am getting really irritated with things, OH is insistent he will move here and doesn't care what anyone else thinks, he can rent a room here for minimal cost compared to what he pays over there. He's able to get a work visa. It's cheaper, quicker and easier for him to move here in comparison. He says it's his choice as he's a grown man and his mum will get over it.

Now I feel like she is being unreasonable but at the same time I feel guilty for taking her only son away.

I'm a very non-confrontational person, I don't like drama, so I'd rather walk away than deal with bs like this, AIBU here?

Not read the other thread but from the posts on this one I think you sound perfectly grounded and sensible. Don't why everyone is up in arms
Good luck.

I think you just need to ignore any messages from her and direct her back to your DP.

For what it's worth, DP and I moved to my home country on the other side of the world some years ago. He is an only child, his mum lives alone and doesn't fly due to fear (realistically this is the only way to travel her unless you want to spend months on a boat). So you can imagine how she reacted. DP ended up telling her that he was here on a 2 year visa as a trial (in reality he was on a permanent visa), which I don't agree with but it did calm her down a bit. He calls her several times a week and makes all the visits back home as she won't travel here.

Anyway as upset as she was initially she has come around to it over time. I think the fact that he makes such an effort to stay in touch really helps. He speaks to his mum far more than I speak to my own, and my mum's a lot closer geographically!

I feel for you OP.
So many negative comments here when you are just after some advice.
I read your previous thread too and think you have made a great decision in having him come here to you and rent for a bit. You can see how things go and I hope that everything works out for you! You seem very much in love and sounds like you deserve a happy relationship and great your kids like him! So far it sounds like you have really thought about things and decided on the best course of action!
As for his mother, that sounds very annoying! As others have said, I wouldn’t send her the info and financial stuff. She’s a mother so (should!) understand. I think you need to be firm and keep reiterating that you love your partner and want the relationship to work but you have to think of your kids and right now uprooting them halfway around the world (when they have also lost their father) just isn’t the right decision for you now. You can stay positive with her but keep your reasons brief. Really it’s for her son to explain and she has to accept his decision really! Good luck.
I’ve followed from your previous thread. I’d love to know how things go for you and really hope it works out! 😊 must’ve been very hard this far and with children too!

He’s old enough to make his own choice. She has no control over that. A kind mother would want him to be happy. She sounds hard work.

Moving to the UK From the US really isn't a big deal. People do this kind of thing all the time (or did pre pandemic). If it doesn't work out he goes home. People are reacting like he's buying a one way ticket to Siberia.

You've both made a decision, your mil can have an opinion on it, but why is she so involved. Wtf are they going to see an immigration officer about which is the best place to live. You've already made a decision.

Tbh she's one of the reasons I would stay in the uk. If she's interfering now, wait until you have the wedding and kids. Better to put a plane ride inbetween you and her

You've made a good decision from previously.

Lots of rels have mil issues- at least yours will be thousands of miles away.

Her not wanting her Ds so far away is human. Give her time to adjust.

Forward her messages to him and ask him to reply. Every time she messages, forward it straight on.
This is for him to deal with.

Can you imagine what a pain she'd be if you did live near her?!

I'm not going to comment on your relationship, but if you do consider moving to the States, we moved here last year (I am a US citizen, husband and children are not). It took about 18 months to get green cards for him and our kids; then the kids applied for and received US passports as soon as we landed. It was a stressful process, but it is perfectly do-able and people do it all the time!

It is also perfectly possible for your children to move here up to junior year of high school/11th grade (going into sixth form). Any 'credits' gained from GCSEs will transfer and there is time to get a decent GPA in order to apply to college here. Private schools rarely take pupils into grades higher than 10th (year 11) but public schools do and will. The school system here has to allow for frequent pupil transfers as every time you move house to a different school district you have to move schools.

Is he hoping to come in on a fiance (marriage) visa? Be warned they require you to sponsor him and part of that is living together. Also the NHS surcharge is something like £500 or so per year which I see you're aware of but you have to pay the whole thing for the whole validity of the visa up front. Also, if you are here on a marriage visa, you cannot work until after the wedding and the switch to spouse visa.

I think you are wise to spend as much time together before marriage as possible. Quite frankly it is none of his mother's business. I say this as the one who left America to make a life with my UK spouse. And yes I am close to my parents despite the distance.