MIL unreasonable?

[strawhatblonde]

I posted here before about the decision of moving to the states to be with my fiance or him moving here.

OH has firmly said he will move here. He knows it will be indefinite (kids, their ages/schools and elderly cat) and he is happy with that. He has considered what he is losing vs what I would lose, and feels he would be happy here. The idea being he rents somewhere initially then moves in with me later on down the line.

MIL not happy at all - understandably - wants her son to stay in the states. He was on the phone with her and told her he wants to move here. I then get a message saying "you know I love you but it would crush me if my son moved to England, just being honest I wouldn't tell him though. Marry there but live here"

I told my best friend and her reaction matched mine - WTAF. Is that not emotionally manipulative? And also a bit controlling? This is NOT what she is saying to OH obviously.

To OH she says she'll get a passport (he thinks she means to visit... what I think she actually means is "ok you have the wedding where you want but live where I want")

Her and OH are going to see an immigration lawyer (her idea) to "see where is best to marry and best to live" so OH thinks she is considering England.. she's not.

OH told her to back off pressuring me because she's then messaging me saying how medication is "only" $200 per month and without a discount would be a lot more.... I'm saying well it's £10 here!!

I am being adult about it and explaining to her I have done my research. My kids could end up doing another year at school as the grades have different brackets (eldest is yr 7 here but would be 6th grade there for example). My cat would not be insured as she's too old (she's 16, been insured here since kitten), she also has a heart murmur that she is medicated for, so we would be paying for that. Other cat's insurance is more in 1 month there than it is all year here. And then there's health insurance, cheapest quote I could find doesn't include everything and was hundreds of dollars (vs free) because welfare/medicaid doesn't kick in until we're citizens. Also the cost of rent, car insurance etc etc... figured it all out and sent it to her.

I am getting really irritated with things, OH is insistent he will move here and doesn't care what anyone else thinks, he can rent a room here for minimal cost compared to what he pays over there. He's able to get a work visa. It's cheaper, quicker and easier for him to move here in comparison. He says it's his choice as he's a grown man and his mum will get over it.

Now I feel like she is being unreasonable but at the same time I feel guilty for taking her only son away.

I'm a very non-confrontational person, I don't like drama, so I'd rather walk away than deal with bs like this, AIBU here?

I also read your previous thread.

And agree with others it’s all rushed and sounds really immature.
She is not your MIL as has been pointed out and to have this much messaging back and forth between you and this lady doesn’t bode well. She is getting very involved / over involved and it sounds like she is concerned perhaps for her son.

The whole scenario is just rushed and unrealistic to me.

Definitely not easy I understand that. He’s aware of the tax liability etc. He does have savings and is checking if it’s enough (it’s more than I’d ever have!), he knows I have no savings and no money so he gets nothing from me. I meet the income requirement to sponsor him for marriage, as my kids are British and he doesn’t have any it’s just 18.5k. Not looking to rush into that right now

His mums not really being cautious - she wants me over there immediately, get married and stay there. Come hell or high water. Doesn’t work that way with visas thankfully or I’m sure she’d be pushing it more.

I do appreciate the advice on here, bar the offensive ones of course. It isn’t easy having a transatlantic relationship especially when you come for advice and get told to break up or that you’re delusional etc.

You aren’t wrong at all and she has overstepped. However, as a mother of grown up children, I can’t help really feeling for her. It’s bloody tough. We don’t ever really stop thinking of our children as our babies (as much as we try and hide it). She has let her true feelings get the better of her. Hopefully she will eventually be able to do what all of us parents have to do at points. Smile whilst our hearts are breaking just a little bit.

Plus from reading your previous post it sounds like perhaps she was really hoping you guys would move over there. She obviously loves you and was perhaps hoping to have a new daughter local to her. Must be disappointing now that’s not going to happen. Try to give her a bit of a break

As for it being rushed, I agree. However he only gets 2-3 weeks off a year, when he comes over this month thats all his vacation gone. So when I go over he has to work and it has to be me travelling. Which is a lot for me and kids even though he does pay for the tickets and for everything else while we’re there, the actual travelling is a lot.

Immigration in both directions is very expensive - the UK is actually a lot more expensive in the long term but it's quicker.

For US immigration there is no boyfriend/girlfriend visa - you can only apply when you are either already married or ready to get married within 90 days of entering the country. It's also taking up to 2 years to process a spousal visa at the moment, so even if you were to get married tomorrow in the UK, you wouldn't be able to move to the USA until 2023 at the earliest.

For UK immigration, work visas are not always that easy to get - especially the ones which lead to permanent residency. For the spousal visa you have to renew every 2.5 years until applying for citzenship and it costs a couple of thousand pounds each time to apply. The path to UK citizenship costs at least 10,000 pounds in total and takes at least 5 years.

One option you have - if he is able to get a work visa (what job does he do?) is for him to come over on a work visa for a trial period of time - you can see if you definitely want to marry him and he can see if he likes the UK enough to live and work there.

Then after say a year you can decide which country would work out best for you. Use that year to save money like crazy because either option is not going to be cheap.

Tell his mother that US immigration is still a possibility but you need to get all your ducks in a row before any applications go in.

YANBU but as the mother of a son I understand totally how your MIL feels. She is about to lose her son because your CAT CAN"T GET INSURANCE? I would hate you and the cat. Can't hate the kids as their education IS important, but the cat?!
Am going to have a talk with my son right now about not falling for girls in the UK!

@Motnight

I remember your previous thread, Op. I still think that you are really rushing things.

This, but you're not going to listen. You've only known him, what a year?

I know this is the least of your considerations but your children would not be doing another year of school. Yes, Year 7 = Grade 6 but it only goes up to Grade 12. This is because Kindergarten = Year 1. Then Grade 1 = Year 2 and so on.

She obviously loves you and was perhaps hoping to have a new daughter local to her

What?! She’s met OP like once or something? I would more assume she’s trying to be very nice to OP won’t make her son move away!

I very much doubt that she wants you to move over there because she loves you. I suspect in fact that she wants you to move over there because, as people have pointed out to you on here, you’re both rushing things, and giving up everything to pursue something with someone you’ve only ever spent 9 weeks with is incredibly unwise.

So as his mother it’s not unreasonable for her to suggest to him that you should be the one doing the moving, just as it’s not unreasonable for people close to you to suggest that he should.

The thing with long distance relationships is that you can’t rush them. You shouldn’t take things any quicker just because you’re living apart, and that should be something which you should always consider going in. Are you prepared to wait for years to be together? If not then I’d say that it’s a bad idea to get involved in the first place.

3 weeks at a time is like a holiday, and now you want him to come over here and live? You don’t even know what his bad points are. And what’s happening to your children when you’re flitting backwards and forwards to the states?

Seriously OP this has disaster written all over it, and even on the remote off chance that things work out it will cost you tens of thousands of pounds in costs before he can live here permanently, and even then there are no guarantees that he’ll be granted citizenship. Someone I know’s wife was refused citizenship at the last minute and was deported. Even though they’d been together for around 5 years by then.

Alright - this is how I'd do it in your position - to give everyone the best opportunities and chances to experience both countries. I'm in a UK/USA couple and we've done immigration one way and have researched the other way too.

First, no one moves until you are both sure you want to get married.

Then get married (doesn't matter in which country but UK needs a marriage visa which is an annoying extra step)

Apply for UK spousal visa for him. Takes about 6-8 weeks to process. He moves over and starts the process towards citizenship (will take at least 5 years) - which starts with being granted indefinite leave to remain and you have visa renewals every 2 years. About a year before he gets his citizenship - you put in applications for you and the kids to move to the USA (spouse and stepchildren visa) - you want to time this so that it will be processed just after he gets his UK citizenship so check processing times.

By this time your oldest will have finished secondary school. You all move over to the USA - you and kids will have green cards. Oldest can either go to university in the USA or can go in the UK (as long as her home base is the USA and she comes back on holidays she won't lose her greencard.

After living there for three years you can apply for American citizenship - it's a lot easier than the UK version. Child under 18 will automatically become US citizen at same time as you. Older child can apply for citizenship after 5 years of holding green card.

At this point all four of you have citizenship of both countries - can freely travel and live in both countries depending on preferences.

@GeorgiaGirl52 no it’s not because of my cat. I’m not moving there because I have two kids who’d have to move, I can’t afford to live there, not giving up free healthcare, not giving up my financial independence, the house I own or my career … and the cat.

My kids come with me when I go to the US. That’s why I’m saying it’s a lot because even though he pays it all, we are the ones travelling.

thank you for the other posts.

A lot to think about and take in.

Thank you also for explaining the grades I didn’t realise that!

I still think he should move here, in a few years time my eldest will be too old to move (year 10). When the eldest is 18 or heck when the youngest is 18, (5 year age gap) it will be up to them if they want to move. If they say no, I won’t move. So really it does have a time limit on it for me to be moving, another reason why I won’t be.

Posters called you delusional because you seem to believe that she loves you and your kids. She's love bombed you to get you to go there. They'll all quite happily throw you and your kids under the bus to keep him in the US. Things would have changed when you got there and were both competing for his attention.
Stop pandering to her. He comes here and you see if it would work once he's here. You need to be on the same page financially and how you parent. Your eldest is going into their teenage years and that's always testing.

[quote strawhatblonde]@GeorgiaGirl52 no it’s not because of my cat. I’m not moving there because I have two kids who’d have to move, I can’t afford to live there, not giving up free healthcare, not giving up my financial independence, the house I own or my career … and the cat.

My kids come with me when I go to the US. That’s why I’m saying it’s a lot because even though he pays it all, we are the ones travelling.

thank you for the other posts.

A lot to think about and take in.

Thank you also for explaining the grades I didn’t realise that!

I still think he should move here, in a few years time my eldest will be too old to move (year 10). When the eldest is 18 or heck when the youngest is 18, (5 year age gap) it will be up to them if they want to move. If they say no, I won’t move. So really it does have a time limit on it for me to be moving, another reason why I won’t be.[/quote]
You have a time limit for moving to the US to if you want both kids to have the chance to come and live with you.

If you marry your fiance before the oldest turns 18, she could immigrate with you to the USA in the same time frame as you and younger child if the application is processed before she turns 21.

If you want until she is over 21 it will take seven years to get the same visa if she stays unmarried during all that time and longer if she gets married.

Something to consider if you want both children to have the same opportunity to live and work in the USA.

[quote TheHoptimist]enjoy

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4453015-Giving-it-all-up[/quote]
Dick move.

The OP is staying here, he’s renting before moving in - she took the advice on board clearly.

You say you’re doing this because you’re thinking of your kids.

So how is taking your kids abroad to stay with a stranger who you’ve only known for 5 minutes putting their interests first?

And have you already told them you plan to marry this bloke even though you don’t really know each other at all?

Jesus. It’s bad enough when people introduce the kids to their dates too soon when it’s done on neutral ground, to take them to another country to stay with a stranger or at best share their hotel room with a stranger is beyond comprehension. I despair.

Is their father in the picture? Because if so he could easily prevent you from taking the kids to the US.

Their father is deceased, they met OH multiple times before we went to the states.

Why on earth are you sending MIL your costs and financial workings? You need to withdraw from her, ignore her, let your BF deal with her. It's just generating drama.to keep talking with her.

Hell would freeze over before I uprooted my kids.

Get your priorities straight. Dont justify anything. It makes far more sense for him to move here.

Op is staying. Her fiancee is joining her. Please read her posts!

Well given you’ve only actually known him in person for 9 weeks, I’d hardly say they’ve met him multiple times.

Seriously I agree that it would be a bad idea for you to move in the circumstances, but if it was my son I’d be advising him the same and advising him to stay in the US for another couple of years at least until you’ve got to know each other.

Clearly this is an infatuation which you hope will last the distance, but you’re seriously rushing into this. You don’t know each other at all. Slow down. If he’s genuinely the one then he’ll still be around in a year or two.

And sorry, but I consider calling someone your fiancé after 9 weeks just as bad as calling a boyfriend a partner.

Engagement means 0 in these circumstances. He’s a boyfriend at best. Maybe marriage will become a serious thing one day but you can’t possibly know that at this point since you barely even know each other.

Don't discuss it with her anymore. I wouldn't even reply to her messages about it.

@strawhatblonde please ignore all the negative, spiteful comments on the thread about your relationship and your children. I think your course of action sounds wise.