To be irritated by this wedding invite?

[JukEki]

We have been invited to two child free weddings, both in June. We are going to attend both and are pulling in favours for childcare. However I can’t pretend that I’m not mildly irritated by the wording in one of the invites!

One invite said “Unfortunately bearing in mind we have limited guest numbers we cannot accommodate everyone’s children however this is a golden opportunity for parents to enjoy a night of relaxation and uninhibited revelry!”

The second simply said ‘ Whilst we love your children please note this is an adult only occasion’

The first annoyed me as actually it’s not going to be relaxing for me in the slightest, it’s quite inconvenient and expensive to not be able to bring the children and I’m more likely to be hand expressing in the toilets than dancing on a table.
It is absolutely the couple’s prerogative to have the wedding they want including making a decision to have no children- just own it and say so instead of dancing around it and pretending it’s a night off for me.

Happy to be told I’m unreasonable- first also contained a money poem which may be biasing me 😂

[PeacheyPeach]

I would like to think that if I was invited to the whole wedding (day and night) that usually means I'm a close friend of the bride and/or groom. So surely by extension my little family would be included in the invite as this would be a friend of the family . Someone who was close to us all
I do think that some weddings nowadays tend to be a lot of style over substance. They Pinterest past themselves on how a wedding should look like so it costs a lot with all the added extras of venue decorations and 18 bridesmaids stood in a line ( pulling their best pouty face and!) and it proves to be a rather dull affair. But because of the flashy photographer they've spent all their wedding budget on, It often looks like this amazing affair
I'd much prefer a happy family day. With lots of love involved

[MrsAvocet]

I agree OP. It's entirely up to the bride and groom who they invite and if they don't want children then that's their prerogative. A lot of the time I think people make that decision based on limited numbers and/or finances which is completely understandable, but if they just don't want kids there that's 100% their choice and nobody else's business.
But they need to realise that whilst they get to decide who they invite, the invitees have the same free choice as to whether they accept or not.
It never offended me if people didn't invite my children to weddings, or anything else come to that, when they were young, but it did piss me right off if they tried to make out that they were doing it for my benefit. No, actually, you don't get to decide that I'll love a "night off", that I need a break or that I should "let my hair down". That is my choice. I respect your wishes, you should respect mine.
Couples should invite whoever they like and accept that their arrangements will suit some people and not others.

[Youdoyoutoday]

@jo586 I was talking about my own wedding, my wedding is child free apart from my own 2.

Weddings have definitely changed over the years.

I guess some dream of a massive wedding, everyone invited, friends, family, all the children and crying babies etc but in reality, not so much these days! For example why am I going to invite my cousin who I haven't seen in years and her 5 family members when I haven't even met them?? (Huge family fallout about 20 years ago, now sorted but still) That to me seems strange. That's 600 quid I now don't need to spend on people I don't know.

Surely a wedding should be how the couple want it.

My friends wedding was massive, 300 people because her mum got involved, increased the guest list considerably. It was just too big for my personal taste. My friend has since said she wished she'd had been firmer with her mum as she ended up with 6 or 8 bridesmaids who were all cousins, none of her own friends, they had a friend take photos who forgot to do the big group photo, guests who hadn't responded turned up and had to be squeezed in, the speeches were exceptionally long and boring. The waiting around whilst they greeted everyone was long.

If someone invited me to their wedding and said it's child free, I'd be fine with that, I'd be more annoyed with a week day wedding as that really is a pain in the arse to sort child care for.

[MabelsApron]

@PeacheyPeach

I would like to think that if I was invited to the whole wedding (day and night) that usually means I'm a close friend of the bride and/or groom. So surely by extension my little family would be included in the invite as this would be a friend of the family . Someone who was close to us all
I do think that some weddings nowadays tend to be a lot of style over substance. They Pinterest past themselves on how a wedding should look like so it costs a lot with all the added extras of venue decorations and 18 bridesmaids stood in a line ( pulling their best pouty face and!) and it proves to be a rather dull affair. But because of the flashy photographer they've spent all their wedding budget on, It often looks like this amazing affair
I'd much prefer a happy family day. With lots of love involved

I find this attitude bizarre.

Plenty of people are friends with adults but not their children. For some weddings, inviting every friend’s “little family” might mean the couple can’t actually invite all of their actual friends. It might mean that over half of the guests are small children, which changes the dynamic completely.

And I don’t like the insinuation that people who aren’t inviting everyone else’s “little family” aren’t having a “happy family day full of love”. Just because that’s your version, doesn’t mean that anything that’s different from that is cold, sad and loveless!

[FirewomanSam]

Cousins are a whole other can of worms!

I have some cousins-by-marriage who I’ve met a handful of times, and only briefly in passing. We’ve never even had a proper conversation. They cornered me at another family wedding and angrily demanded to know why they hadn’t been invited to my wedding. I couldn’t even remember the name of the woman who was shouting in my face!

[Hadtocomment]

Just a question about child free weddings. What's the usual reasoning? If it's to have a drinking knees up isn't that what hen and stag dos traditionally are for? Weddings surely invite family and wouldn't children then count? I understand cost but I'd have thought people might limit the guest list rather than banning all kids outright. But I'm not a wedding person so my thoughts are probably irrelevant.

[Youdoyoutoday]

@FirewomanSam how bizarre but I would have answered with because I don't remember your name 🤣

[Youdoyoutoday]

@Hadtocomment for me personally, it's because I want my friend there but not her son, not that I would ever admit this in real life. I've said it's to keep costs down as it would be an extra 5 kids to worry about plus keeping them entertained.
That said, my wedding is the ceremony at 5pm and then a sit down dinner and drinks, no massive hotel with a disco etc.

[Hadtocomment]

Youdoyoutoday I can understand and the extra cost and difficulty. But I'm also thinking is it that easy to exclude close family children and therefore friend's children? I can't imagine having a wedding where no siblings children were invited if grandparents and siblings etc all were, therefore wondering how people can even do blanket no kids rules that easily? I can understand not being able to accommodate friend's kids too if friends have large families but in that case wouldn't it be more of an idea to limit the friends right down or else discuss it with them personally and see what was able to be done? I see so many people upset by this issue that it seems silly to have upset people coming to your wedding when they are supposed to be celebratory.

[FirewomanSam]

Just a question about child free weddings. What's the usual reasoning? If it's to have a drinking knees up isn't that what hen and stag dos traditionally are for? Weddings surely invite family and wouldn't children then count?

@Hadtocomment I feel like I and others have already explained this several times but…

To invite all the kids of our good friends and family members would have meant inviting around 30 kids to our wedding. That wasn’t an option for us because:

1. That would have meant 30 adult friends and relatives we wouldn’t have been able to invite. We wanted to celebrate with those people more than with our friends’ young children.
   
   
2. Our wedding was at 5pm. A quick straw poll of some of the parents we’d invited suggested that their kids would really not have been good company at that time, when they’d normally be gearing up for dinner and bath time.
   
   
3. 30 would have been a quarter of our 120-person guest list. That’s a lot of children. I went to a 40th birthday party recently with about that number of kids and it felt more like a children’s birthday party than an adult’s, with entertainment for the kids being the top priority. A lovely day, but I have no shame in saying it’s not the vibe I wanted for my wedding.
   
   We didn’t get married at a hotel or somewhere where parents could have easily escaped to another room or taken kids up to their own hotel rooms if they got tired, so I honestly believe having 30 kids there would have been no fun at all for anyone involved!
   
   I don’t even drink but there is a whole spectrum between super-kid-friendly day and debauched lairy adult-only piss up, and the latter is not the only reason why someone might choose not to invite kids.

[DaisyMum40]

How about the couple just do not want kids there? Isn't that reason enough? They don't really have to justify it to anyone nor should they have to figure out who to knock off the list to accommodate kids they don't even want there. Honestly, no one has a god given right to be invited to a wedding - no one. It's their money, their event, their life, their choice. Not everyone loves having kids around, not hard to understand is it?

[Hadtocomment]

I don't know anything about your wedding FirewomanSam. I do now! I think you missed my point though. If family are invited to weddings how can close relative children be excluded for a totally kids free wedding? People obviously have different family set ups but as I said I would think it not easy for most to exclude very close family children like siblings children for example? But maybe that depends on people age etc. I can imagine finding 120 friends to invite (or who would want to be invited) to any wedding of mine. But leave out very close family children I couldn't do I don't think. And I don't even believe in weddings that much! But thanks for replying anyway.

[Hadtocomment]

I can't think of 120 people not I can... sorry spell correct etc.

[DaisyMum40]

@Hadtocomment

I don't know anything about your wedding FirewomanSam. I do now! I think you missed my point though. If family are invited to weddings how can close relative children be excluded for a totally kids free wedding? People obviously have different family set ups but as I said I would think it not easy for most to exclude very close family children like siblings children for example? But maybe that depends on people age etc. I can imagine finding 120 friends to invite (or who would want to be invited) to any wedding of mine. But leave out very close family children I couldn't do I don't think. And I don't even believe in weddings that much! But thanks for replying anyway.

Why is it her responsibility to consider anyone else's babysitting arrangements? It's not! Why should she plan her wedding and guest list around this? She shouldn't. If you're invited as a guest and you have no babysitter then you can't go, it's that simple!

[Youdoyoutoday]

@Hadtocomment my wedding party is 30 people with us included, it's a small wedding, the relatives invited do not have young kids, I don't have siblings, DPs sister doesn't have kids either, only my friends have kids I guess it's easier for me to say no kids.
The youngest guest coming is 26 with no kids herself so there are no family kids, just my own 2.

[QueBarbaridad]

When it comes to close family, I don’t think it’s about the cost of baby sitters. It’s really about the concept of family and importance thereof.

[Hadtocomment]

Daisymum40 thanks for the weirdly abrupt reply. Id say because most people might think they want their family and friends to enjoy the day. I understand in youdoyoutoday's case that none of her immediate family have children. I have no idea about about FireWomansams case. Of course everyone can do things the way they want. I just found it surprising that it seems to be a growing trend when I'd have thought many would have close family children to be considered. It's a bit like saying why should anyone invite parents? Well noone has to. But if everyone else is invited then it would definitely look like there was a reason if you didn't. Some couple might be totally alone. Others invite everyone and the kitchen sink. I was just surprised at the growing popularity of no children weddings as for most I'd have thought that was a difficult rule to impose if you have close family with kids. Plus the kids are probably the ones who really want to go! The idea that weddings are only a cost to the couple is also a misnomer. They can be really expensive to go to. And also big offence can be caused by refusing to go too sometimes. In which case if people expected to go and expected to shell out surely you'd also want them to enjoy it? Or else why invite?

[DaisyMum40]

@Hadtocomment

Daisymum40 thanks for the weirdly abrupt reply. Id say because most people might think they want their family and friends to enjoy the day. I understand in youdoyoutoday's case that none of her immediate family have children. I have no idea about about FireWomansams case. Of course everyone can do things the way they want. I just found it surprising that it seems to be a growing trend when I'd have thought many would have close family children to be considered. It's a bit like saying why should anyone invite parents? Well noone has to. But if everyone else is invited then it would definitely look like there was a reason if you didn't. Some couple might be totally alone. Others invite everyone and the kitchen sink. I was just surprised at the growing popularity of no children weddings as for most I'd have thought that was a difficult rule to impose if you have close family with kids. Plus the kids are probably the ones who really want to go! The idea that weddings are only a cost to the couple is also a misnomer. They can be really expensive to go to. And also big offence can be caused by refusing to go too sometimes. In which case if people expected to go and expected to shell out surely you'd also want them to enjoy it? Or else why invite?

It's not difficult if you have children in the close family. When my SIL (my husbands sister) got married she had a child free wedding. At the time we had a 1 year old and one of her bridesmaids had two small children. None of these children were invited. We were told that, worst case scenario, if we couldn't get a babysitter then one of us (obviously me) would have to forgo attending the ceremony and come later with the little one when things were more relaxed and informal. As it was, my family were able to help out - even where someone has nieces/nephews there maybe family on the parents "other side" who can help out. If not, then it's just tough luck. You do not call the shots at someone else's wedding, end of story. And I'm well aware being a guest can be costly, but the vast majority of it (if not all of it) is optional. No one is forced to buy a new outfit, get hair/nails/tan etc. If you're invited to a wedding and cost is prohibitive for you, then you politely decline.

There's no point continuing to insist "but it's family!" Everyone's viewpoint of family is totally different, it's completely subjective. And just because you assume children should be a part of that, does not mean everyone else should either. As I've continually said, the couple organising their wedding do not need to justify their guest list decision to anyone.

[RampantIvy]

You do not call the shots at someone else's wedding,


And the bride has no right to get upset if the parent of said child(ren) can't go.

We are going round in circles with this.

[satelliteheart]

I HATE couples who dress up their child-free weddings as doing parents a favour.

1. It's absolutely not doing parents a favour giving them the headache of trying to sort out childcare
   
2. It's not some big altruistic gesture, it's for the couple's benefit entirely so don't pretend otherwise
   
3. My ideal child-free weekend with my husband would be a romantic break somewhere just the two of us. Not attending a wedding with a group of people who I'll only know some of with food I haven't chosen, mass produced so probably not particularly nice
   
   I am all for child-free weddings if that's what people want and I always try to sort childcare so I can attend, but this wording really frustrates me and I find it frankly quite insulting to suggest the best thing I could think of to do with a child-free weekend is attend your wedding

[MabelsApron]

@RampantIvy

You do not call the shots at someone else's wedding,

And the bride has no right to get upset if the parent of said child(ren) can't go.

We are going round in circles with this.

True, but I suspect in reality the number of couples who get the huff is absolutely minute, whereas - as this thread shows - there is a fairly large contingent of parents can’t accept their kids not being invited to a wedding.

I certainly know of a fair number of people in real life who’ve kicked up a fuss and then been offended that doing so didn’t reverse the couple’s decision. In my experience couples setting these rules down know that it might mean X can’t attend but they’re willing to take the risk, and so they expect the refusal to go. It’s the parents who can’t accept that their kids are excluded.

[Shunter350]

I think it's awful that people don't want kids present at time of happiness and joy. We were all kids at one time. Just my pov obv!

[DaisyMum40]

@satelliteheart

I HATE couples who dress up their child-free weddings as doing parents a favour.

1) It's absolutely not doing parents a favour giving them the headache of trying to sort out childcare
2) It's not some big altruistic gesture, it's for the couple's benefit entirely so don't pretend otherwise
3) My ideal child-free weekend with my husband would be a romantic break somewhere just the two of us. Not attending a wedding with a group of people who I'll only know some of with food I haven't chosen, mass produced so probably not particularly nice

I am all for child-free weddings if that's what people want and I always try to sort childcare so I can attend, but this wording really frustrates me and I find it frankly quite insulting to suggest the best thing I could think of to do with a child-free weekend is attend your wedding

Anyone getting this worked up over the wording of a wedding invite can't have much else to worry about in life. Talk about first world problems.

[EL1984]

It's just the wording they happened to choose. They don't want kids at their wedding so had to come up with some way of saying it. We did this for our wedding and spent ages googling various options and drafting the right way of saying it but I get it doesn't please everyone.

[Mojoj]

I don't see what the fuss is all about? If you can't get childcare, don't go. Kids can be a pain at weddings. It's too long a day for them. I always enjoyed leaving the kids behind when I attended weddings - way more fun.