To be irritated by this wedding invite?

[JukEki]

We have been invited to two child free weddings, both in June. We are going to attend both and are pulling in favours for childcare. However I can’t pretend that I’m not mildly irritated by the wording in one of the invites!

One invite said “Unfortunately bearing in mind we have limited guest numbers we cannot accommodate everyone’s children however this is a golden opportunity for parents to enjoy a night of relaxation and uninhibited revelry!”

The second simply said ‘ Whilst we love your children please note this is an adult only occasion’

The first annoyed me as actually it’s not going to be relaxing for me in the slightest, it’s quite inconvenient and expensive to not be able to bring the children and I’m more likely to be hand expressing in the toilets than dancing on a table.
It is absolutely the couple’s prerogative to have the wedding they want including making a decision to have no children- just own it and say so instead of dancing around it and pretending it’s a night off for me.

Happy to be told I’m unreasonable- first also contained a money poem which may be biasing me 😂

[fenulla]

@migrainesbythedozen
I have a friend who used those words, telling me her boys would love a
Dance floor, skidding around on their knees and tripping people up. Bizarre
I love kids and I wish we'd been able to have ppl's children at our wedding (maybe we should have chosen a different venue, scaled down a bit to accommodate that) but this actually helped me be ok with the decision at the time

[fenulla]

@Margerine78

Single childless person here on Mumsnet! I find people that have kids - and I include my mates in this - stop seeing it from the other kidless person's point of view. How would you have felt if the invite said "kids ruin weddings by crying and we don't have money to feed them all". Of course they're going to put it diplomatically and also, from my experience of friends with kids, they talk about not having time out to let hair down - so the bride/groom probably felt it was a selling point!

Ahh that's a fair point

[teaandtoastwithmarmite]

@fenulla at my sister in laws wedding the adults were knee skimming

[QueBarbaridad]

Was there a time when there was no concept of a child-free wedding simply because if the children weren’t on the invitation the parents knew they couldn’t come?
Did people become more pushy and more child-centred at the same time, so now there has to be an official ruling.
Anyway, I certainly think weddings have become too long. Four hours is unusually short.

[RampantIvy]

Anyway, I certainly think weddings have become too long. Four hours is unusually short.

I agree. I got married in the afternoon for this reason. It also allowed people who were travelling some distance to travel down on the day, and only pay for one night in a hotel.

It wasn't a "destination wedding". I got married in my home town, but DH's family all lived 300 miles away.

[LovesColourGreen]

@stayathomer

I think the first only looks annoying because the second is so well worded! Do they have children themselves? I find people without children can sometimes assume that kids are the bain of our existence and we'd kill for time without them!!

I don't have children. All I see on my social media feeds is posts written by parents complaining about their children behaving badly and never having time for themselves

yabu: they're trying to be lighthearted considering they have requested important little people in your life do not come to the wedding. Besides, some parents enjoy the chance of a good night out getting shit faced, which they couldn't responsibly do with their children there as it would be neglect.

[LadyPropane]

I don't have children. All I see on my social media feeds is posts written by parents complaining about their children behaving badly and never having time for themselves

This makes me feel a bit sad. I DO complain about being tired and having no time for myself, but I do it in private conversation between close friends, or with DH. I wouldn't dream of posting about it on social media. That sounds awful. The children will come to an age where they will be able to read all of that for themselves.

[MabelsApron]

I don't have children. All I see on my social media feeds is posts written by parents complaining about their children behaving badly and never having time for themselves hmm

Agree. My colleagues with children regale us all with daily complaints about their children and how they haven’t done a thing for themselves since 1891. Most of them have at least 3, though, so my sympathy is pretty non-existent.

[FirewomanSam]

Was there a time when there was no concept of a child-free wedding simply because if the children weren’t on the invitation the parents knew they couldn’t come?

I really think so! As I said upthread, my parents never took me to any weddings apart from the two where I was a bridesmaid and one of very few kids there. I think it was always understood that wedding invitations were for them alone, unless otherwise stated.

I think the need to explicitly say ‘no children’ is a relatively new thing but I really reject this idea that kids were previously always welcome at weddings and they’re only excluded now because couples are so self obsessed.

[surreygirl1987]

Disagree. I had a child free wedding and I'm certainly not self-obsessed... I just didn't want children there. I didn't have children, didn't know any children, didn't really like children tbh.

Now I'm a parent kids are big part of my life and it would be different. But when I was getting married, little children just filled me with urghhh. Very few who were invited had kids at the time anyway, so not a big deal.

[surreygirl1987]

@firewomansam sorry - I agree with you, not disagree 🙈

[blyn72]

I didn't have children at my wedding but it was a smallish affair, 67 in total. I married at noon and the reception was all afternoon, quite smart in its way I suppose and not unusual for the time. Nobody minded not bringing their kids.

[Youdoyoutoday]

I'm having a child free wedding to keep costs down and it's an early evening wedding, 5pm.

Not gonna lie, one of my friends kids is a bit of dick if things don't go his way and I don't want him ruining my day, sounds mean but fuck it, its one day for me and DP. I've told people it's child free and no one has complained

[Jo586]

@Youdoyoutoday

I'm having a child free wedding to keep costs down and it's an early evening wedding, 5pm.

Not gonna lie, one of my friends kids is a bit of dick if things don't go his way and I don't want him ruining my day, sounds mean but fuck it, its one day for me and DP. I've told people it's child free and no one has complained

Quite right, their wedding, not yours, if you can't get childcare dont go. Not everyone want kids at an adult do.

[EdithStourton]

IME child-free weddings are a fairly recent thing. When I was a kid I went to every wedding my parents attended. I first encountered the child-free idea in about 2000; DH couldn't come as the wedding was miles from home and we didn't have any free childcare (and couldn't really afford to pay). I went, with a breastfed baby for whom I was given a special dispensation.

And maybe it's just DH's family, but it seems a lot less common now to invite all the aunts, uncles and cousins when a cousin gets married. It's more about the couple's friends and less about the family - but maybe that's a skewed perception.

[Alip1965]

Entirely their choice. Either go or don't. Personally I have children and grandchildren. But when I go out to an event I like to not have to worry/supervise children.

[Gagaandgag]

Once we were invited to our then ‘close’ friends wedding. The invite didn’t have our sons name on it. I text my other friend who was in the same friendship group and whose daughter was the same age ( she actually had 2 children at the time as well and not one like us) and she said their invite did include their 2 children’s names.

I was confused and I text the groom ( our friend) to ask if it was a mistake and he just replied to say it wasn’t!!

It made us angry and we didn’t go. My other friend who also got an invite without her daughter on it - she went. She text me to say there were loads of children there! Not just family either! So it looks like they just picked and chose. Really upset me.

[crosstalk]

I remember a wedding in a small church in the 1980s being spoilt by toddlers in the aisle, babies screaming, and a couple of primary school boys running their toy cars around the pews. You could hardly hear the vows.

Of course the parents were to blame.

My DS has just got married with a no kids wedding. They had room for 80. With kids it would have been 120 if you included teenagers who didn't really want to come. Babes in arms were welcomed.

If you can afford it you can welcome everyone, pay for hotels, nannies on site, insurance. Or everyone lives locally and can just trot along and take their kids home as and when.

If you don't want to go to a child free wedding, or it's going to cost you too much, just say no. What's the problem?

If you have a big family at the wedding happy to look after your children and babies, that's fine too. Providing they all have somewhere to stay.

[JTHOM]

I received a wedding invitation for my husband and I when our daughter was 8. The wedding was 300 miles away and involved travelling and spending 2 nights in a hotel. I rang the couple and said I understood they had to limit numbers so could I bring my child and leave my husband at home. The response: 'All 3 of you can come'! Not unreasonable as both of her children came to my wedding 12 years before!

[Stroopwaffle5000]

I use weddings as an excuse to dress up and get drunk so much prefer it when kids aren't there. I love my kids, but other people's children annoy me. Saying that, I find weddings cringeworthy affairs which is probably why I feel the need to drink!

However, I would only attend a childless wedding if the grandparents could babysit. Going to a wedding is expensive enough without having to pay for babysitters as well.

[Womencanlift]

@EdithStourton

IME child-free weddings are a fairly recent thing. When I was a kid I went to every wedding my parents attended. I first encountered the child-free idea in about 2000; DH couldn't come as the wedding was miles from home and we didn't have any free childcare (and couldn't really afford to pay). I went, with a breastfed baby for whom I was given a special dispensation.

And maybe it's just DH's family, but it seems a lot less common now to invite all the aunts, uncles and cousins when a cousin gets married. It's more about the couple's friends and less about the family - but maybe that's a skewed perception.

That’s my experience of more recent family weddings too - cousins not invited but friends are.

To me that’s how it should be. With weddings so expensive (and not because the couple want it to be Instagram friendly, just because that’s what things cost) I am perfectly ok with not being invited to a cousin’s wedding, who I only see a handful of times a year, to allow them to invite more people they see week in week out

Have never been upset about the lack of invite and still send a gift and best wishes

[CanIHaveASnaaaaak]

We has our own DD(4), cousins children and a couple of close family friends children. Total of 9.

We were the first of our siblings to get married, and were statistically young to get married too.

If we got married now (nope we’re in the statistical avast age age for it) the children guest list on the same basis would be nearer 20-25. I don’t think I could whittle down my adult guest list to accommodate all children.

I would prioritise our own DD/DS and our nieces/nephews over friends children. Cousins children and friends would have to consider childcare.

It is tough, but each place costs money and the bride and groom have to consider what is best value and most meaningful to them.

[CanIHaveASnaaaaak]

I meant to finish off with:
Couple - looks like they tried to soften the news.
Couple 2 - have gone for brutal honesty which is actually brave/cool.

Is there a good way to tell people to leave their ankle biters somewhere else?

[mathanxiety]

The children will come to an age where they will be able to read all of that for themselves.

@LadyPropane, I agree that posting complaints about children on SM is awful.

I think there has been a shift in the culture toward open denigration of children.

[mathanxiety]

Is there a good way to tell people to leave their ankle biters somewhere else?

Case in point.