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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mil moving an hour away!

60 replies

Username3092997 · 23/01/2022 17:01

Mil is planning to move just over an hour away to a different area (38 miles ish on crappy a&b roads). The area is slightly cheaper and she wants to free up some £££ selling her house and also to be closer to to her partners place of work which is a bit mad in itself as he's been doing the same job for years and he's close to retirement age now. He drives for a living, so it's just close to his depot so to me makes little difference as he's often in Scotland hundreds of miles away. Entirely their choice of course. I wish them well.

But she's expecting us to visit all the time, I just don't think we can go every week or two like she expects. Why can't she come here?! We could visit maybe once a month. She thinks we will love to visit all the time as it's a nice area but so is the area we live!

I appreciate many families live much further than an hour away and an hour doesn't seem that far but we aren't used to it. Currently she lives 10 minutes away. We don't see them more than once a week now, she and her partner work full time, dp works long hours, I am a sahp/carer to both children who have sen and have busy lifestyles. We don't see her that much really. . Maybe once every 1-2 weeks. Sometimes dc will go their for dinner after school. Often Dp will pop in to see her after work for a cuppa as she lives just down the road from his place of work, I think he will struggle with that more than anything. We don't rely on her for anything like childcare etc so her move isn't going to cause us any issues like that.

After a conversation today, she's fully expecting us to visit every week. Aibu to think hell no? We don't always see her every week now.

I just don't think it will work. Dp works Monday - Saturday. That only leaves sundays. Do we want to travel 2 hours on a Sunday plus a couple hours there? I'm not sure I do! Sunday is our only day as a family. Living close by we can see her during the week after school or on a Sunday for an hour (not every Sunday). I just don't think We can commit.

Dp doesn't want to do it either. He doesn't want to be travelling for 2 hours out of county on his only day off!! I don't really like driving.

Plus both dc both have sen. Sometimes even the shortest journeys are stressful! They need frequent stops etc. We really don't travel far as a family and tend to stay local.

Our lives are pretty local. My family live 15 miles away and we don't even get chance to see them much!! Once a month max usually!

Aibu to think that she can't move and expect us to still see her all the time? She could come here? Or will have to be once every month or so?

I just don't think I'll look forward to sundays if I feel like we have to get up and travel! Dp can't take the kids alone due to their sen, neither of us would manage a long trip like that with them on our own. 10 minutes max we are alone with them 😅 so we would all have to go!!

How often do you visit your relatives who live quite far away?!

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 23/01/2022 17:04

That may be what she wants, but it isn't what you want.

"That doesn't work for me" is the sentence you're looking for. Possibly with "But you're welcome to visit us" added on.

Suzanne999 · 23/01/2022 17:06

I think expecting 4 of you to visit weekly is a bit much. If MIl wants that level of contact she’d have been better staying put.
She will have to visit you and if she can’t do that then it can’t be that essential to her.

HelloDulling · 23/01/2022 17:07

You need to be clear. You will visit once a month. She is welcome to visit you in between.

Does she drive?

cptartapp · 23/01/2022 17:09

Well just don't go that often.
You don't have to do what she expects. Set a precedent from the off.
No big deal.

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 17:11

Give her a glance at your schedule and ask her straight how she expects it to work for you...

GiantSpider · 23/01/2022 17:12

She's not being reasonable expecting you to do all the travelling. They should come and see you half the time. Just keep calmly saying "we can't come every weekend as it's too far but you're welcome to visit us" over and over again.

GiveMeNovocain · 23/01/2022 17:12

There's no way I'd do this. My parents are 15 minutes away but I don't see them every week. Get dh to manage her expectations or send him up with the kids alone so you get some free time!

Rrrob · 23/01/2022 17:13

Just saw MIL for the second time since last March.

My parents live a similar distance away and we see them once a month/ every 6 weeks or so. They tend to visit us. We go to them 3/4 times a year because travelling with toddlers is hard plus they both get car sick!

Dixiechickonhols · 23/01/2022 17:14

I’d nip in bud now and be clear you won’t be travelling over every Sunday. You understandably want a day as a family, your partner needs a day off work.
Her choice to move but be clear.

Sideswiped · 23/01/2022 17:17

Don't commit to seeing her too often - whether or not she will eventually drive to yours.
If you wanted to commit the same amount of time to your own parents, (whether or not you want to, IYSWIM), that would mean that most months you around never have a weekend just for your family unit.
For that reason alone I would say no and say you'll se how it goes and what your plans are.

Username3092997 · 23/01/2022 17:17

She does drive but won't drive too far a distance on her own and her partner works away 3-4 nights a week. She'll be leaving behind her other ds too so I am also worried that she'll be isolated with her partner working away but I guess he'll be retiring in a year or two!

We have no issue driving in itself, but my kids are nightmares and it's tiring driving far with them! Sometimes a half an hour journey is more than enough! We tend to stay local as in op.

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 17:20

Haven't seen my mil for 7 years!! Your mil is being ridiculous. But maybe it's up to your dh to spell that out. Does she acknowledge your dc have SN?

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/01/2022 17:20

@Username3092997

She does drive but won't drive too far a distance on her own and her partner works away 3-4 nights a week. She'll be leaving behind her other ds too so I am also worried that she'll be isolated with her partner working away but I guess he'll be retiring in a year or two!

We have no issue driving in itself, but my kids are nightmares and it's tiring driving far with them! Sometimes a half an hour journey is more than enough! We tend to stay local as in op.

She needs to build her confidence driving for an hour to visit, therefore.

Not sure I understand what the partner working away 3-4 nights a week has to do with it...?

Davros · 23/01/2022 17:22

Do not offer even once a month, wait and see

Hunkydory99 · 23/01/2022 17:27

Make it clear now - she may well abandon plans if you do. Happened to a friend of mine when her parents retired, suddenly had grand plans of moving ‘up North’ and to help with the kids who ironically were reaching a more independent age. She made it clear they had a life of their own and whilst them being closer would be lovely it would be a once a month visit. Like a previous poster she showed them their weekly diaries with work, school, swimming, football, dance etc and it wasn’t possible to see each other several times a week. They quickly changed their plans and instead moved to Spain. Everyone’s happy!

Username3092997 · 23/01/2022 17:28

@VickyEadieofThigh because he usually drives when they go out. If he's away, she will be stuck where she is as worn drive far! 😃

OP posts:
Birdles52 · 23/01/2022 17:28

Yanbu

PurplePikachu · 23/01/2022 17:29

Only thing you can do is be clear about it now, before she moves. Then she can make her own decisions.

codexa · 23/01/2022 17:29

"Oh that sounds lovely MIL, but will you be able to be with us as often as before"?

See what she says, and cut her off at the breach if she says you need to do all the visiting. 50/50 at least which would be once a fortnight for her to see you, and once a month for the opposite journey for you. Is that doable for you?

Might be a reasonable compromise, but do NOT do all the travelling, and I am sure she will understand. If she doesn't, well stick to your reasonable guns. Do not lose your cool, just sound positive and reasonable.. It is her choice to move after all, and if necessary remind her of this.

Best of luck.

Nutrigrainygoodness · 23/01/2022 17:29

MIL used to live about half an hour away, down nice easy roads- dual carriageway etc.
Now she lives an hour away. The roads go from being typical country windy roads to super fast back to narrow roads.

They never come to us. We either meet them half way for lunch or we go to them maybe once every 3 months now whereas before they moved DW would see them every weekend or every other depending on plans.

Username3092997 · 23/01/2022 17:32

She can drive quite far as she wants to, she often bombs up the motorway to see her other dc who lives hours away (only Dp and his brother around here now). But she doesn't like the minor roads! I'm the opposite, I don't like motorways 😅

OP posts:
twominutesmore · 23/01/2022 17:33

I think you need to tell her that you're worried about her ending up isolated, that you just don't know how often you'll be able to visit. I think she needs to know that before she makes any irreversible decisions.

Personally, I think she's crazy to leave her two children and their families to live closer to her DP's job as he approaches retirement.

Is it entirely about money and releasing equity? If so that's understandable but such a shame. I think she'll regret it.

MananaTomorrow · 23/01/2022 17:34

My parents and PIL are about 1 hour away.
We don’t go and see then every two weeks because each visit means more or less a full day.

Have you mentioned that to her?

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 23/01/2022 17:37

Having moved 200 miles away from my family, after them reassuring us that they would visit frequently, it hasn't proved to be the case, as there are always reasons why it's easier for them not to come, which in all honesty, I've found quite hurtful, as I wouldn't have moved if they'd been honest and said that it was too far for them. You at least have better reason with your children's difficulties, so please OP, be truthful with your MIL, tell her exactly what you've said here, and point out about it being daft to move closer to her partner's work at this stage. Maybe then she'll realise that it's not such a good move. Plus, what she releases in capital, is likely to be spent on travelling to see you, if you can't get to see them. It does sound like she hasn't thought this through properly.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2022 17:38

so you all have to go through massive upheaval because some bloke is more important than her family. id tell her that and youll be visiting when it suits you.

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