Mil moving an hour away!

[Username3092997]

Mil is planning to move just over an hour away to a different area (38 miles ish on crappy a&b roads). The area is slightly cheaper and she wants to free up some £££ selling her house and also to be closer to to her partners place of work which is a bit mad in itself as he's been doing the same job for years and he's close to retirement age now. He drives for a living, so it's just close to his depot so to me makes little difference as he's often in Scotland hundreds of miles away. Entirely their choice of course. I wish them well.

But she's expecting us to visit all the time, I just don't think we can go every week or two like she expects. Why can't she come here?! We could visit maybe once a month. She thinks we will love to visit all the time as it's a nice area but so is the area we live!

I appreciate many families live much further than an hour away and an hour doesn't seem that far but we aren't used to it. Currently she lives 10 minutes away. We don't see them more than once a week now, she and her partner work full time, dp works long hours, I am a sahp/carer to both children who have sen and have busy lifestyles. We don't see her that much really. . Maybe once every 1-2 weeks. Sometimes dc will go their for dinner after school. Often Dp will pop in to see her after work for a cuppa as she lives just down the road from his place of work, I think he will struggle with that more than anything. We don't rely on her for anything like childcare etc so her move isn't going to cause us any issues like that.

After a conversation today, she's fully expecting us to visit every week. Aibu to think hell no? We don't always see her every week now.

I just don't think it will work. Dp works Monday - Saturday. That only leaves sundays. Do we want to travel 2 hours on a Sunday plus a couple hours there? I'm not sure I do! Sunday is our only day as a family. Living close by we can see her during the week after school or on a Sunday for an hour (not every Sunday). I just don't think We can commit.

Dp doesn't want to do it either. He doesn't want to be travelling for 2 hours out of county on his only day off!! I don't really like driving.

Plus both dc both have sen. Sometimes even the shortest journeys are stressful! They need frequent stops etc. We really don't travel far as a family and tend to stay local.

Our lives are pretty local. My family live 15 miles away and we don't even get chance to see them much!! Once a month max usually!

Aibu to think that she can't move and expect us to still see her all the time? She could come here? Or will have to be once every month or so?

I just don't think I'll look forward to sundays if I feel like we have to get up and travel! Dp can't take the kids alone due to their sen, neither of us would manage a long trip like that with them on our own. 10 minutes max we are alone with them 😅 so we would all have to go!!

How often do you visit your relatives who live quite far away?!

Normal posts on here are that it’s the people moving who do the travelling

I would just say weekly visits are not going to work, she is more than welcome to visit for a day if she wants to and you can fit it in to your schedule. Otherwise it’s will be 4/6 weekly visits to see her

How old is she?

Where do her DP’s family live?

You do need to manage her expectations.

@twominutesmore

I think you need to tell her that you're worried about her ending up isolated, that you just don't know how often you'll be able to visit. I think she needs to know that before she makes any irreversible decisions.

Personally, I think she's crazy to leave her two children and their families to live closer to her DP's job as he approaches retirement.

Is it entirely about money and releasing equity? If so that's understandable but such a shame. I think she'll regret it.

It does seem crazy but it's their choice to make. Dp is 40 and has his own life. Hsi sisters live hours away! But Dp's brother is much younger (early twenties) and lives with them (her partner is not his dad either) Dp'a brother has got a settled job and friends here, grew up here too and he doesn't want to move so has to find somewhere to live now too - would be a 3 hour round commute for him. We don't have the room for him here sadly but would if he had nowhere to go. They are hoping if the current house is sold, they will be able to give him money for a deposit to buy somewhere, but it's not going to be quick for him! House prices are really high in our area, but there are cheaper places that are much closer. But again, their choice. They've spoke about moving for a while!

You need to make it clear you will not be visiting her very often if she moves so she can decide whether to go or not. Maybe she can find a smaller (cheaper) property nearby instead?

If she's moving an hour away and her DP is away 3 or 4 nights a week she'll be on her own a lot. Maybe that's why she's suggesting you visit weekly? Is she saying that to all her own DCs? You should show her your current schedule and how the weekly travelling doesn't work for your family and reset her expectations before she puts her house on the market and regrets the move!

@toomuchlaundry

How old is she?

Where do her DP’s family live?

You do need to manage her expectations.

Mil's partner has nothing to do with his children (I think he has 6 kids!) and hasn't got anyone else around. I do fear he is very controlling of mil, she was a vulnerable widow when they met and he's took advantage I think. They've been together for several years though! It's entirely her house to sell though, they aren't married. I feel he is taking advantage, somewhere to live. He seems to get agitated when the kids go round there. They can be full on but I feel he doesn't like kids at all, as never had much to do with his own.

But I feel this is going way off topic and too personal now. I doubt any of dp's family is on here though 👀

It's not that I don't want to see her. Mil is okay really, hard work at times but hearts in the right place. But I just can't see how we can go visit all the time!!

The only other option is finding somewhere halfway. A pub or cafe or even a play park. There doesn't seem to be a huge deal though!

Realistically once relatives are more than half an hour away it’s unlikely to be more than once a month visit for a busy family with kids at school.

@Chocolateis1ofyour5aday

If she's moving an hour away and her DP is away 3 or 4 nights a week she'll be on her own a lot. Maybe that's why she's suggesting you visit weekly? Is she saying that to all her own DCs? You should show her your current schedule and how the weekly travelling doesn't work for your family and reset her expectations before she puts her house on the market and regrets the move!

2 live quite far away. I'm sure dp's brother will visit all the time, he relies on his mum quite a lot and has a car, he just doesn't want to move there! We would love to see her all the time but it's just not achievable. We won't be able to visit during the week, dc are both school age. Saturdays are a no. Sundays maybe. The only option is maybe Dp taking the dc there and staying on a Saturday night and coming back early Sunday with dc but I feel it's too much for him to do on his own. I can't nor do I want to stay over (which she's mentioned). We have a dog, she has 2 that don't get on with my dog so not an option!

Do you think she has a choice about moving? Who will have ownership of the new house, if they are not married?

she is early sixties. It's her own house so her choice to make. She is a widow after her younger dc's dad died. Dp's dad lives many miles away which ain't overly relevant here though...

Are you going to manage her expectations?

YANBU to not commit to adding more into your lives, when it is her choice to move.
I think your dh needs to make it clear that he will miss her. That he will miss pooping in for a cuppa after work. But that your lives are pretty full and busy, and they your dc don't manage well in the car, so that you won't be able to go to her new house that often. I think he needs to have the conversation that he is worried she might be a bit isolated there, especially whilst her dp is away. Maybe get his siblings to do the same.
Obviously it is her life and she has every right to move wherever she wants to, but I think it isn't unreasonable to highlight that it is her choice and your family and your dh's siblings family aren't able to create time to visit if it is going to be 2 hours driving each time to do so, so she should take that into account.

My fil moved away. We only visit once a year, and he visits a few times a year. It feels like wasting the weekend going there, just for dinner and a catch up, to drive all the way back again. I certainly wouldn't go every weekend or even month! I say we ll pop in during the holidays e.g. Easter/summer hols/Christmas.

I think once a month is a lot . I'd visit every other month and expect her to come to me if she wants to see the family more often.

Your family day off is a not a day to travel - she made the choice so she neds to do the extra legwork.

You really need to calm down. All this drama over a non-issue. You will not be driving an hour each way once a week to visit and she will learn that soon enough. How she chooses to deal with it is her concern. Be clear and don't hedge the issue. Tell her plainly this will not be happening.

It's not really my place to say what she can and can't do. She's been talking about moving for a few years. Dp has since spoken to her about it (without me and the kids around). He is worried.. there was talks of her wanting to move closer to her family, her parents have been gone for many years but she has sisters a few hours away! Even that would be less isolating for her but it would mean even less seeing us.

She keeps saying she hasn't got any ties here anymore but surely her sons are ties? Even one of her daughters was considering moving back here (lived where she went to uni for a few years but her and her boyfriend are from here and want to move back!). One might be moving abroad anyway!

I know that Dd will be particularly devastated if she didn't see her that much. Ds loves her but is much closer to my mum (Ds isn't actually biologically dp's). But her and Dd are really close, mil pre pandemic would pick Dd up and go meet mil's work friend and her kids of similar age! Mil has a lot of friends here too! She's lived here for 35 years!

Where she is moving to, is not where she comes from originally! It's just a random place!

I've had an almost identical situation op, my mil and fil moved an hour away having been 10 mins away before. As we work and the kids have school/activities/friends, we would usually see them when they'd pop by for a coffee or us to them when we had a spare half an hour, or the kids would have tea with them after school sometimes. Now it's totally different, and I was worried about what their expectations would be, but they're luckily very much aware that they chose this so when they text asking if we're around and it's just going to be a pain to drive for 2 hours etc, I don't feel bad just saying no, it won't work for us this weekend. Sometimes we still get comments about oh we've not seen you for ages etc, but I refuse to feel bad/guilty - this is an issue of their own creating.

She'll soon learn. Mine did, although she moved to Spain and expected us to have a "free holiday" with them every summer. DH and I can't think of anything worse than staying in a two bed apartment with no air con and no pool for a fortnight with his mum and even worse his step dad who is a right grumpy old sod, and a teen to occupy in what is essentially a retirement village for British expats.

Agree with Aquamarine. You sound a bit over involved in the whole process. Just say “MiL, there’s no way we’ll be getting in the car with DCs to drive all that way that often. We’re going to really miss you but if you think it’s a better place for you to live, I think it’s great you have the opportunity to move there.”

Don’t make promises about how often (frankly even once a month with 2 DCs who don’t travel well and only one day of family time a week sounds too much). Just say, “We’ll have to see how it goes, but you know we don’t have much family time and the kids don’t travel well, so it won’t be often.”

It’s her choice to move. Let her make it. It’s your choice how often you visit. Don’t be emotionally blackmailed into going when you don’t want to.

You need to be clear and say that you can't visit as often as it will take up your whole day off.

Having said that lots of families don't meet up every week, I see my mum every 6-8 weeks and we see my MIL every 3 months.

I think that you or (preferably) DH needs to make it absolutely clear now, that this isn't going to happen. To spell out exactly why it can't, even though you'd like to see her. Surely she has the intelligence to understand that when you have only one family day, you can't spend most of it driving to and visiting her. And also the DCs would be really stressed by the time they got there, and so not good company for her.

Make it really really clear, and point out that you and his brother (and potentially his sister) will all still be where you live, and ARE her ties. Does she really not want to have that contact and to be alone and an hour away for much of the week?

She needs to have totally understood all that before she makes her decision.

Be realistic before she goes, so if she wants to change her mind she can.

‘We’ll be coming to see you for sure, but with all the hectic kids stuff it may only be once a month or so. You can drive over too if course, but we’ll miss seeing you every week’

Tell her now.

Just be clear asap with her so she can go into this fully knowing what will and won’t happen. Explain that if you only connect x times with her living 10 minutes away - it will not under any circumstances improve when she moves. Explain just how often you expect to make the trip and that you won’t be commuting to more as it’s a drain on precious family time with your DH and children.

Ask her what she foresees happening when her partner retires. Just her and him… forever.

Presumably your MIL has the capacity to consider all the potential consequences of moving house and having discussed it with you she now realises she won't see you so often. You really need to let her make her own choices and keep out of it. It sounds as though you're panicking about her making a perfectly reasonable decision to move house. It doesn't affect you, stop trying to control her. I live an hour away from my family. Sometimes I see them pretty frequently, every week, sometimes 6 months goes by. We're all adults and can choose how we spend our weekends.

But she's expecting us to visit all the time

She can ‘expect’ all she likes, it didn’t mean it’s going to happen.

What did you say to her when she said she wants you to go once a week?