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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

anybody else here just accepted you are a failure/loser in everything?

92 replies

coop36 · 23/01/2022 13:36

Working as a supply teacher at 36, working in agencies. Sacked from my most recent long term supply job there recently for generally being crap. 1 of many. Live in a bedsit, no pension, no relationship-many rejections etc. Before teaching was fired from many jobs too.

Lining paycheque to cheque and just nothing going for me but coming to the realisation that this is it.

OP posts:
coop36 · 23/01/2022 17:22

I hate the way I am.

OP posts:
WildPoinsettia · 23/01/2022 17:48

@coop36

Clearly teaching isn't right for you, so what would you like to do

problem was that before teaching i was fired from loads of jobs too.

Please go to your GP and ask for a referral to "secondary mental health services", whatever form that takes in your area. I mean this in the kindest possible way but this post I've quoted is a marker for you having some sort of medical condition. It might even be that you're too unwell to work at all at the moment, it's possible for this to be the case and for you to not even realise there is anything wrong. You need assessment by medical professionals. You need to know what you're dealing with, because something is causing this inability to hold down any job. If it was just that you were an arsehole or didn't want to work, then you'd be cocklodging in some woman's house or claiming dole every chance you got, you probably wouldn't be on a forum trying to work out what is going on after having tried every job going. Only when you know what the problem is can you work out how to go forward with life. If the GP refuses, make it plain that there's something preventing you from being able to keep a job, which is quite a drastic effect on a person's life and needs looking into.
WildPoinsettia · 23/01/2022 17:59

@coop36

just been inadequate so in a bookies not getting the instructions, not doing homework. In construction being useless. Teaching generally the same-just being useless at everything. It's hard to articulate here because I think I am in a minority and most people don't get us. They just don't see what the problem is or why we are so incompetent and generally useless at life.
If you do have an underlying medical condition, getting a diagnosis can help others understand what is going on with you. It also means that your workplace can give you "special measures" that enables you to continue working. The special measures are individual to the persons needs. Without a diagnosis, the workplace doesn't have to allow special measures.

When you book an appointment with a GP, ask them if there's one who specialises in mental health and get your appointment with that one.

IdblowJonSnow · 23/01/2022 18:02

I struggle in some jobs despite being bright and very competent at most parts of a role.

I really struggle to learn new systems and processes. I suspect I'm neuro-diverse in some way.

Yuckypretty · 23/01/2022 18:12

I think it's really important to find acceptance for what's already happened and what's happening now. But that is not the same as accepting if for the future.

Have you been assessed for ADHD, Dyslexia and/or Autism?

You can't be as bad as you think...as how did you pass your GCSEs, A Levels and then get qualified as a teacher?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/01/2022 18:23

Teaching is a difficult job and most of us couldn't hack it (I would be utterly shit). But if you have never been able to hold down any job, despite genuinely trying to do so, then there is some kind of functional problem. I agree with other posters that it is time to look into it, because you are beating yourself up for something that isn't your fault.

Many if us are not especially successful - I myself have failed at plenty of things - but the level of difficulty you describe is unusual. I hope someone can give you some insight that helps you find your niche and get the benefit of your undoubted strengths and abilities.

coop36 · 23/01/2022 19:03

I'm terrified of poverty

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 23/01/2022 19:28

Did you not have any kind of performance management and assistance in your jobs before you were let go? They didn't help you?

Run1000km2022 · 23/01/2022 19:39

@coop36, I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. Let me tell you this: you are not useless/a failure/a loser. I can promise you this because I have never met a person who IS these things. Yes I have met many people with many struggles, but no one is inherently shit!

For you it could just be that teaching is not for you, although as you’ve had this issue before I gather there is much more to it than that. For starters you seem to suffer from really low self esteem and this is something you will need to address, with help. From your posts it really sounds like you never properly got to “know” yourself (this could include eg ADHD diagnosis). Everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses, discovering exactly what these are will empower you and enable you to address them.

Also, for what it’s worth, all the other people you see “being really great at life”, I promise you they are not! They may appear to cope better but everyone has their struggles and insecurities. That’s normal. The problem in your case is that it is really affecting your (working) life.

So, my advice: Get some counselling. Get to know yourself, properly. Pursue different diagnostic pathways with your GP. You are not shit. Nobody is shit. You just need some help. You can ignore this issue and suffer for the rest of your life, or you can address it. 36 is young, you have your whole life ahead of you! Good luck to you and well done for reaching out.

WildPoinsettia · 23/01/2022 20:06

@coop36

I'm terrified of poverty
The worst thing for that is debt. Avoid debt at all costs. Then even if something goes wrong and you had no wages for a while you'd be able to survive on universal credit. The people that struggle with it the most are the ones who have debt and the ones who don't budget. The ones who have no debt and can budget well can scrape by, whether they're on universal credit or minimum wage. It's not fun but it's doable.

So if you've got any debt or issues with budgeting, go to Citizens Advice Bureau for help with those.

Getting any medical issues officially acknowledged will help you to avoid poverty by helping you to access treatment. Whether that's medication, coping strategies, counselling or something else. You can't get treated for something that nobody knows you've got. So the first step is investigating what it might be. With treatment, many people with medical problems manage to hold down a job. You might not even have a permanent medical condition which you have to learn to live with and manage, it might be something temporary that can be totally cured with the right treatment. You won't know if you don't look into it.

Those who can't manage to work despite their best efforts will have the evidence of their diagnosis and attempts at treatment and medical history, which is needed to apply for sickness and disability benefits.

You won't avoid poverty by ignoring reality and pretending everything is fine. You're as deserving of help as is anybody else.

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 20:10

@coop36

I'm terrified of poverty
Take a secure job. The from a place of safety (emotional because of the financial stability) then start figuring out how to find things easier. Watch the videos i linked. Xx
coop36 · 23/01/2022 20:13

*Have you been assessed for ADHD, Dyslexia and/or Autism?

You can't be as bad as you think...as how did you pass your GCSEs, A Levels and then get qualified as a teacher*

didn't do well in them but went back as mature student so they were only looking for passes. I had a substance problem at school and really struggled back then.

OP posts:
awesomekilick · 23/01/2022 20:56

Adhd Would be my suggestion. It also would explain the acute persistent feelings around being rejected. And the addictive behaviours. And the self loathing. OP, have you been assessed for this?

hivemindneeded · 23/01/2022 21:55

OP, I not only have a lot of sympathy for you, I also rreally want to offer you some hope. I spent decades thinking of myself the way you think of yourself. Unable to hold down jobs of any sort. feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me and longing to be 'normal'.

I'm in my mid-fifties now and genuinely have no desire to be 'normal'. It's not that I love having ADD, but I fully accept that I have it and even appreciate certain aspects of it. My life settled down when I started working for myself. I found a niche I was very good at that paid OK, and I got some counselling on how to manage finances and more counselling on how to manage my time. Then I set out to do part time hours because I recognised I need a lot of down time to be able to function normally.

You are clearly very intelligent. You wouldn't be a teacher if you weren't. And you aren't useless at everything. You passed a degree and a PGCE or you completed a BEd, so you managed to sustain your focus enough to do this. You also get job offers, so you must have some charm and ability to convey your expertise in your subject. But you lose jobs because the day to day environment doesn't suit you.

But something will suit you. Is there any aspect of teaching that you don't find stressful? The subject research or the actual interaction with pupils?

Make a note of the bits you find least stressful and most stressful. The bits where you always come unstuck and the bits you manage to muddle through. Analyse the two lists. You need to avoid the stuff that you always fail at and develop the areas that you find easier. So, if you tend to fall out with parents, then interpersonal skills aren't your strong point. If your planning always drops off half way through the term then you need a job where being super organised is not a priority, or where there is not a mountain of supplementary paperwork.

But there will be aspects of your training and experience that you undervalue because they do come naturally. It's a matter of discovering them, valuing them and building a career around them that can keep you solvent. It isn't easy but it will be better than before.

You also sound like you need more support in your life. At very least refer yourself for NHS free 6 sessions of counselling and go to your GP to ask for ASD, ADHD tests etc then look for adult support groups in your area.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/01/2022 22:31

I didn't do well in them but went back as mature student so they were only looking for passes.

See you aren't giving yourself enough credit.

  1. You took the initiative to go back to education as a mature student

  2. You passed all your exams

  3. You say "they were only looking for passes", but this is true of all professional exams. A pass is a pass (thank God)

Do you think everyone could do what you have done? I assure you they could not.

BigValue · 23/01/2022 23:45

Yes I’m lower than a dog turd. I accepted it about 5 years ago.

Hoplesscynic · 26/01/2022 23:13

@UserBot999
I loved what you wrote about the self-compassion approach, can you share anything more about it?
Sounds like something I could definitely use myself. You are right, we don't owe ANYONE to be anything at all.

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