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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dogwalks with another woman

612 replies

DMOB3 · 23/01/2022 11:29

AIBU to not want my DH to disappear on a sunday moring with a female colleague, who is also married. This happens intermittently. He never says in advance that he's going but always admits where he's been. Plus his phone always tells me where he is. Am I being paranoid? Last week he said he wanted to give me a lie in. Late evening (11.30 pm) she WhatsApp him to thank him for the walk.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 23/01/2022 22:06

@IWantMoreStationery "I just don't think you are."

But how is it relevant? Do you think married people are inevitably insecure, fearful and controlling, and that's how it should be? It's not true.

As it happens, I'm not married. But that's not because I failed to keep him on a short leash, it's because he suddenly dropped dead one day.

Not even to stop death taking him would I have tried to control him, the way some of you do your partners - what you have is not honest, or real, and it's certainly not love.

Franklyfrost · 23/01/2022 22:11

I find premise is that no man would spend time with a woman without having sex with her so very depressing.

newyear1 · 23/01/2022 22:17

There's only one reason why a woman texts a man at 11.30pm.

I respectfully disagree. In fact, I texted a (male) friend at 11 last night and again at 7 this morning. The time had no relevance other than I wasn't doing much so had time to send some messages. My husband texts his female friends at similar times.

I have male friends, my husband has female friends. We both sometimes meet them one on one for lunch or dinner. It's nice to have a wide friendship group and we trust each other. It's a shame that platonic friendships between a man and woman are treated with suspicion.

justasking111 · 23/01/2022 22:20

@Franklyfrost

I find premise is that no man would spend time with a woman without having sex with her so very depressing.
Don't be it's their problem if their relationships are like this
Tullig · 23/01/2022 23:03

@newyear1

There's only one reason why a woman texts a man at 11.30pm.

I respectfully disagree. In fact, I texted a (male) friend at 11 last night and again at 7 this morning. The time had no relevance other than I wasn't doing much so had time to send some messages. My husband texts his female friends at similar times.

I have male friends, my husband has female friends. We both sometimes meet them one on one for lunch or dinner. It's nice to have a wide friendship group and we trust each other. It's a shame that platonic friendships between a man and woman are treated with suspicion.

I’m with you, @newyear1. I find the Mn attitude towards opposite-sex friendships weirdly Saudi Arabian. DH and I can’t be that exceptional, and we’ve managed to be happily together for almost 30 years with plenty of friends of both sexes we’ve successfully not shagged.
Theluggage15 · 23/01/2022 23:16

Some oddly insecure people on here. We both have male friends and female friends and to me that seems really normal. We do stuff together, we do stuff apart. Same as you @Tullig we’ve been married nearly three decades so we’re clearly doing something right.

SquidMonkey · 24/01/2022 01:01

@Franklyfrost

I find premise is that no man would spend time with a woman without having sex with her so very depressing.
This x 10000
merrymelodies · 24/01/2022 01:18

My former BIL met his future wife in exactly this way... while still married to my SIL.Hmm

Rubyglitter · 24/01/2022 04:14

Why don’t you trust him? He’s just going for a walk with a friend. The phone tracking is creepy. If you trust someone then you wouldn’t track their movement.

Flittingaboutagain · 24/01/2022 04:21

If it feels off it probably is OP. Men and women who could theoretically be in a romantic relationship should always be careful with boundaries. Late night messaging to thank someone for a dog walk means a) she's into him b) he offered some support (they're getting close).

As an aside I find it so weird when people get cross that an OP takes a few hours or even a day to respond to the comments on their thread.

Hastag0417 · 24/01/2022 05:11

I think the points being missed here. Yes, dog walking with a female friend all good and well but is he arranging this and not telling you? Why? If I wanted to go on a dog walk with Geoff from the office on a Sunday, I’d probably mention it to the husband before not after the event! …. Not sure why I would arrange to go with Geoff though when but I guess it can be work related chat, no problem. However does he know you’re pissed about these walks??

NewtoHolland · 24/01/2022 05:29

Hmm it's weird he doesn't just say 'Im going to walk with .... Today'
I'd ask to go too next time to meet her and dog.

Also me and DH have a rule no first thing in the morning or last thing at night texts to opposite sex ..its a boundary that puts our relationship first. She might text then but deffo no texts back that late.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 24/01/2022 06:33

“ I feel sorry for people who have to rely on colleagues for a dog walk”

My prev mentioned dog-walking accomplice is also my work colleague!! Sometimes we talk about work. There’s a lot of world to set to rights there!

gingerbiscuits · 24/01/2022 07:08

The dog walking wouldn't necessarily bother me but the lying about it most definitely would! Even if it's lying by omission.

newyear1 · 24/01/2022 07:26

Late night messaging to thank someone for a dog walk means a) she's into him b) he offered some support (they're getting close).

Putting (a) to one side, I'm equally close to some of my male friends as my female ones, and they offer support if I'm having problems. Isn't that what friends do? I appreciate the fact that my male friends offer a different perspective.

We've also been married for nearly 25 years so having friends of both sexes hasn't been an issue. The thought of anything romantic with my male friends is on a par with it being my brother. It's just not there.

worriedatthemoment · 24/01/2022 07:33

See im no reading a late night message i am
Reading it that OP had a late night 11.30 as put so dh let her lie in and went with colleague to walk dog who them messaged after said walk
??
Has the OP even been back ?

worriedatthemoment · 24/01/2022 07:38

Some women on here seem quite controlling if it was a man behaving like that people would be up in arms
I meet my ex male colleague for a meal, my dh doesn't care less
He trusts me and my colleague is also a friend now , we worked together a long time and its good to have a catch up every now and again , he has a girlfriend too who really doesn't seem to mind either

gannett · 24/01/2022 08:14

@NewtoHolland

Hmm it's weird he doesn't just say 'Im going to walk with .... Today' I'd ask to go too next time to meet her and dog.

Also me and DH have a rule no first thing in the morning or last thing at night texts to opposite sex ..its a boundary that puts our relationship first. She might text then but deffo no texts back that late.

Do you really police each other like this though?

I don't know who DP messages or when, because I don't ask. He doesn't ask me either. It would feel a bit suffocating if he asked what I was doing on my phone or who I was messaging every time I started typing.

I remain baffled that the time of day or night has any significance at all.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/01/2022 09:06

Bloody hell some people are odd, my friend text me after 11 the other night but I was asleep, I occasionally text him at 4.30 in the morning to say I'm up again and off running

I don't have a partner but he does. We've been friends about 4 years now and I've not managed to trip and fall on his cook yet!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/01/2022 09:06

Cock

Imissmoominmama · 24/01/2022 09:11

I tend to catch up with texts as I go to bed, so thanking someone for a morning walk at 11:30 wouldn’t be unusual for me. It certainly wouldn’t mean I was lusting after them as I slipped between my sheets.

Tullig · 24/01/2022 09:11

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Bloody hell some people are odd, my friend text me after 11 the other night but I was asleep, I occasionally text him at 4.30 in the morning to say I'm up again and off running

I don't have a partner but he does. We've been friends about 4 years now and I've not managed to trip and fall on his cook yet!

But you did shag his butler, right? 😀
bellabasset · 24/01/2022 09:15

My dh often took himself off as he was sports mad, and due to my inability to run, ski cycle etc I found it boring. I became independent but we'd meet up in evenings etc. Probably a good thing as I was widowed quite young. We usually took the dogs out on Sunday mornings, having a brunch. I think it's odd he doesn't tell OP in advance.

melj1213 · 24/01/2022 09:25

Late night messaging to thank someone for a dog walk means a) she's into him b) he offered some support (they're getting close).

Or they're a night owl who has finally sat down after doing dinner/tidy up etc and on picking up their phone wanted to message their friend that they went walking with. I regularly don't get round to messaging people until later in the evening as that's when I sit down and start scrolling through my phone and remember the message I read 4hrs ago and never responded to

Also, does your DH have a supervisory/support role at work? Could it be that they went for a walk and the colleague asked his advice/told him about a work issue and he helped them work through it, so their "thanks for the walk" message was intended to convey thanks for helping them work through something, without explicitly saying so. I am the union rep in my workplace and I will often have people ask to meet me outside work for a chat about an issue because they don't want to risk people at work overhearing us if we have the conversation onsite during the work day. I don't want my colleagues all turning up at my home and I know some people also don't want colleagues in their house so I will often suggest meeting in a public place but if I knew a colleague had a dog then I might suggest a walk, too. I am single now but when I was still with ExDH I would often just go out with someone without explicitly having to tell him where I was going and who I was with because we trusted each other.

Lavender24 · 24/01/2022 09:27

I think it depends on whether or not you trust him? My DH has female work friends. He often gets lunch with one of them and gets a lift to a hobby with another. I'm not bothered about it.