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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stays up drinking - including my drink

76 replies

sborber · 23/01/2022 03:34

Okay this is going to sound spoilt and probably an overreaction but I'm angry and it's 3.20am and I've been awake 40 minutes for the second night feed with my four month old...

DH stayed up late drinking, I came to bed at 11pm. I've just been downstairs to turn the TV and light off - you know, because he falls asleep on the sofa with everything on for hours on end (but goes on at me about electricity usage, tosser) - and then as I move his glass delicately balanced between his legs I realise it's got MY favourite drink in.

My spirit that he apparently "fucking hates" but cos he was already pissed, just decides to drink. It was my Christmas present. Half a fucking bottle has gone.

I have few things I'm precious over and that's one of the one tiny things I can enjoy these days. A bottle would last me a month or two cos I'm BF and I only have the occasional drink.

But it INFURIATES ME when he bloody drinks it like it's water and he doesn't even LIKE IT!!!! I literally cannot have alcohol in this house otherwise he freaking drinks it!!!

This is on top of a shit load of booze before, too. But his football team lost boohoo.

AIBU or do I need to stfu and sleep. Cos my baby is sleeping but I'm not cos I'm so angry 😫

OP posts:
RobertsYourFathersBrother · 23/01/2022 04:10

He sounds awful! YANBU IMO. Has this been going on for some time? Have you spoken to him about it when he's sober? And why is he having a go at you about electricity usage?

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 23/01/2022 04:18

I think you are completely and totally unreasonable, sorry.

For putting up with this!!?

Jeez. You realise that this sub-standard level of man is not something most women would go near with barge pole?

Sorry not sorry for being so harsh. But, come on. You deserve better!!

Alfixn · 23/01/2022 04:22

I think how much of a problem this is depends on few factors we don't know for sure from your OP.

How late did your DH stay up (while drinking on his own!), how heavily drunk did he get (while drinking on his own!!), is this a regular occurrence or out of character - although it does sound like it's not the first time?

It sounds like he has a drinking problem tbh. You have a 4 month old and you husband is getting hammered downstairs and drinking the house dry of alcohol, to the point he's drinking things he doesn't even like?

AND you being angry about WHICH alcohol he's drinking rather than being shocked at the situation in general suggests this level of drinking isn't a shock....?

Alfixn · 23/01/2022 04:25

The whole situation sounds shocking to me and quite sad. I hope you can come to recognise this quickly and take appropriate steps, for your child's sake.
And I say this as someone who was a total party girl - PRE children.

Aprilx · 23/01/2022 04:27

I can’t imagine either DH or myself having our own food and drinks in the house, so no him drinking “my” drink would not exactly be the issue here. The issue is surely that he has a drink problem, not who the drink belongs to. And unfortunately that is a much bigger problem to have.

Original poster
sborber · 23/01/2022 04:56

No, it's not the first time and sadly no, it's not a shock. His drinking has always been a problem but as you say, there are several factors and these days, it's a lot better.

On this occasion I needed to rant because previously, it would have ended up in an argument in the early hours and a) I don't have the energy and b) it would wake the kids up 😭

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 23/01/2022 04:56

I literally cannot have alcohol in this house otherwise he freaking drinks it!!!

Is this literally true, or is it how you're feeling in this particular situation?

Not getting on you about your turn of phrase: honest question.

If it's a reaction to the current frustration, that's one thing. If it's actually (or even often) true that you can't have alcohol in the house, even if set aside for you, without him drinking it, it sounds like a serious drink problem.

Original poster
sborber · 23/01/2022 04:57

@Alfixn

The whole situation sounds shocking to me and quite sad. I hope you can come to recognise this quickly and take appropriate steps, for your child's sake. And I say this as someone who was a total party girl - PRE children.
I appreciate your comment and concern - my child's sake and welfare are unaffected, I make sure of this.
OP posts:
Original poster
sborber · 23/01/2022 05:00

@Aprilx

I can’t imagine either DH or myself having our own food and drinks in the house, so no him drinking “my” drink would not exactly be the issue here. The issue is surely that he has a drink problem, not who the drink belongs to. And unfortunately that is a much bigger problem to have.
Oh yeah you're 100% right I won't disagree, it's just nice to hear I'm not being unreasonable because often I'm left questioning myself because I repeat myself over and over and over.
OP posts:
Original poster
sborber · 23/01/2022 05:05

@RobertsYourFathersBrother

He sounds awful! YANBU IMO. Has this been going on for some time? Have you spoken to him about it when he's sober? And why is he having a go at you about electricity usage?
Yes - although, it's a hell of a lot better these days - yes - we've had quite a few discussions over the years, AA and therapy have both been suggested - and because I use the dryer too much.
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/01/2022 05:09

@Aprilx

I can’t imagine either DH or myself having our own food and drinks in the house, so no him drinking “my” drink would not exactly be the issue here. The issue is surely that he has a drink problem, not who the drink belongs to. And unfortunately that is a much bigger problem to have.
It was a Christmas present. My DH gets a bottle of nice whiskey. I don't touch it because it's his Christmas present.
Original poster
sborber · 23/01/2022 05:14

@Nancydrawn

I literally cannot have alcohol in this house otherwise he freaking drinks it!!!

Is this literally true, or is it how you're feeling in this particular situation?

Not getting on you about your turn of phrase: honest question.

If it's a reaction to the current frustration, that's one thing. If it's actually (or even often) true that you can't have alcohol in the house, even if set aside for you, without him drinking it, it sounds like a serious drink problem.

Our eldest was gifted a bottle of whiskey to agree until his 18th birthday..

.. and it's shoved in a drawer, hidden, so DH can't find it.

If I had the time and didn't need to do night feeds or sleep I'd be here all day. This post was a rant but I fear I might have opened Pandora's box. I usually only rant to my mother.

He 100% has a serious drinking problem but won't quit completely. He's found the perfect balance of drinking enough to get a buzz once our twice a week so he can still wake up at 8am with the kids. But I dare say there is still the odd occasion he will binge and tonight was one of those nights. Sorry, last night since it's now 5am 😫

My suggestion of dry January was ignored.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 23/01/2022 05:33

I'm sorry that you're going through this. He won't change unless he wants to, and he won't want to if there are no consequences.

Hlglu56 · 23/01/2022 07:14

My dad is just like this. If there’s booze in, he will drink it. My mum has to hide all her nice spirits she gets given for presents otherwise he will drink them.

Every Christmas they go out and buy bottles of vodka, gin, whisky etc in case people come round. He will drink it all. Even the ones he doesn’t like. It’s sad because I adore him but when it comes to alcohol he is so greedy.

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 07:18

It won’t get any better, but you’ll stay for the kids, and in 20 years you’ll look back and wonder why you didn’t leave.

MarianneFaithful · 23/01/2022 07:23

Missing the point of the thread entirely, but I don't think whisky ages once it's been bottled. It only ages in the cask, unlike wine.

Original poster
sborber · 23/01/2022 07:35

@MarianneFaithful

Missing the point of the thread entirely, but I don't think whisky ages once it's been bottled. It only ages in the cask, unlike wine.
Haha - it could be something else entirely or I'm just stupid to think it ages. It was just a bottle of something to open when the kid is 18 Confused
OP posts:
Devon1987 · 23/01/2022 08:12

He is telling you exactly how he feels about you and his children worth his behaviour. He doesn’t respect you and you and the children are not a priority.
I would be gone, as I wouldn’t want the children to think this is healthy relationship and I would be full of rage and resentment at his actions. He is a selfish awful man. You aren’t trying to control him, you are asking him to actually parent his children and support his wife.
See a solicitor, he will not change.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 23/01/2022 08:40

He does not respect you

And he has a drinking problem

But I've seen so many threads like this, so many, and the OP always gets over it in a day or so and decides it's not so bad and that really he's a "good man"

But really this is not ok of course, and you really know you have a big problem on your hands. Good luck and don't forgive and forget too easily

wankywomble · 23/01/2022 09:01

I can totally relate to your situation. Similar to you I enjoy an occasional drink but have to hide it as it will be drunk by him despite me asking him not to. I've also stopped cooking with red wine or steak and ale pie just because the alcohol will have gone before I get round to it.
I have had this for years, 6 months after our wedding I found an empty champagne bottle hidden that had been a wedding gift and I'd wanted to save for a special occasion. He said he was doing dry January and lasted a few days. I have found empty small bottles of wine 'hidden' in his car that he says he buys to drink on the drive so I don't complain he's drinking too much.
This weekend he fell down the stairs drunk and yesterday I went for a nap and when I woke up at 7pm he was pissed.
He's not a nasty drunk at all, he is very kind and what most would consider a good man. But his drinking means that I have lost respect for him. So much so that I can't be bothered to even try and address it anymore. I am sure that he thinks that I've mellowed, I haven't I just can't be arsed. I have a demanding job that means I do not have the head space to deal with this at the moment. I hate living like this please please do not follow my example.

gingerbiscuits · 23/01/2022 09:26

He sounds like a selfish twat who doesn't deserve you.

His drinking problem & refusal to face it would be a deal breaker for me, especially with kids in the picture. And the utterly selfish act of drinking your special drink that he doesn't even like, just because its alcohol, highlights exactly how bad his problem is.

I'd be insisting he stick with a programme to help him quit or I'd be out of there.

YukoandHiro · 23/01/2022 09:30

@wankywomble Leave him. You deserve peace in your life and your home.

Couchbettato · 23/01/2022 09:36

He's an alcoholic.

Do you want to be married to an alcoholic?

Do you think you can stop him being an alcoholic?

Do you want to be around when he kills himself from drinking?

HobgoblinGold · 23/01/2022 09:39

Your partner has a drinks problem.

Pegasussnail · 23/01/2022 09:40

I agree he's an alcoholic and fuck him and your tumble drier usage in the middle of January!

He's one to criticise

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