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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH stays up drinking - including my drink

76 replies

sborber · 23/01/2022 03:34

Okay this is going to sound spoilt and probably an overreaction but I'm angry and it's 3.20am and I've been awake 40 minutes for the second night feed with my four month old...

DH stayed up late drinking, I came to bed at 11pm. I've just been downstairs to turn the TV and light off - you know, because he falls asleep on the sofa with everything on for hours on end (but goes on at me about electricity usage, tosser) - and then as I move his glass delicately balanced between his legs I realise it's got MY favourite drink in.

My spirit that he apparently "fucking hates" but cos he was already pissed, just decides to drink. It was my Christmas present. Half a fucking bottle has gone.

I have few things I'm precious over and that's one of the one tiny things I can enjoy these days. A bottle would last me a month or two cos I'm BF and I only have the occasional drink.

But it INFURIATES ME when he bloody drinks it like it's water and he doesn't even LIKE IT!!!! I literally cannot have alcohol in this house otherwise he freaking drinks it!!!

This is on top of a shit load of booze before, too. But his football team lost boohoo.

AIBU or do I need to stfu and sleep. Cos my baby is sleeping but I'm not cos I'm so angry 😫

OP posts:

Whingasaurus · 23/01/2022 09:44

I haven't voted because like others have said Yabu for staying with him this will get worse and worse

Pasdelacasa · 23/01/2022 09:45

As a recovering alcoholic, I can say this is one of the boundaries I started to cross when my alcoholism started to really progress. Drinking alcohol that I didn’t even like and drinking other peoples booze. It’s an age old alcoholic move.

Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do about his drinking. You can tell him you think his drinking is problematic, but your power lies in what YOU are going to do next. He won’t stop unless or until he wants to.

SarahBop · 23/01/2022 10:05

[tick]

Original poster

sborber · 23/01/2022 10:06

@gingerbiscuits

He sounds like a selfish twat who doesn't deserve you.

His drinking problem & refusal to face it would be a deal breaker for me, especially with kids in the picture. And the utterly selfish act of drinking your special drink that he doesn't even like, just because its alcohol, highlights exactly how bad his problem is.

I'd be insisting he stick with a programme to help him quit or I'd be out of there.

Thank you, I don't disagree. It's just nice to be reassured by strangers on the Internet.

I've tried everything - he even consulted someone who ran an AA group where we used to live abroad, but he apparently "didn't fit the criteria".

On the surface he's a perfect husband. To our friends, he's a great one. For our kids he's an even greater dad. It's me that gets to see this part of him.

Of course there are always reasons and history as to why someone is the way they are and DH sadly has a background due to family and upbringing. Not to defend him.

I'm still fucking fuming this morning he's sulking about. Got up with the kids though so I've nothing to complain about

OP posts:

SarahBop · 23/01/2022 10:08

Al-Anon, asap.

He definitely has a drink problem. I'd be insisting he either gets help, or fucks off. He can't deny having an issue...it isn't normal to drink something you 'don't like' simply because it's alcohol - that is clearly him not being able to stop/having no off switch.

I dealt with the same and he obliterated our relationship. I'm so sorry, these types just can't change without expert help.

pointythings · 23/01/2022 10:15

He has a drink problem, and drinking something he doesn't like because it has alcohol in it shows that he's spiralling. It doesn't get better, OP - not unless he accepts that he has a drink problem and needs to stop completely. You say there are reasons why he drinks - what he needs to do is address those reasons, not drink to cope.

I was married to a man like this and it didn't end well.

MarrymeTomHardy · 23/01/2022 10:37

Sorry OP but he is an alcoholic.
You will eventually resent him to the point you hate him even though the sober him is ok.
Please get your ducks in a row so that when you decide you are done, you can act immediately.
On Tuesday it will be 1 year since I walked away; me and DC have never been happier - our life is so calm now- it's not easy but i've had months of therapy and am ready to move forward now.
Good luck and for you.

taylorwilde · 23/01/2022 12:11

If he is having struggles with alcohol, I would suggest having no alcohol whatsoever in the house.

And yes this will mean that you miss out on your favourite tipple every now and again - but it shows solidarity.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 12:15

my child's sake and welfare are unaffected, I make sure of this

You're delusional. Your poor kids. Get this man out of your home and away from your children. Growing up with the example being set for them will damage their lives irreparably.

pointythings · 23/01/2022 12:28

taylorwilde please do some reading around alcohol addiction and find out that this is not a recommended course of action for the long term. The only thing that works is for the person with the alcohol problem to address the reasons why they drink. We live in a world where alcohol is readily available everywhere. Recovery means being able to handle that.

Wolfiefan · 23/01/2022 12:32

It will affect the kids. I know because I was one.
He has a huge problem with alcohol. He needs to stop drinking. He doesn’t want to so he won’t.
So your only choice is whether to walk away.

Bananalanacake · 23/01/2022 12:35

Is he able to go to work OK, would you call him a functioning alcoholic.

BABAHOTEL · 23/01/2022 13:03

@Aprilx

I can’t imagine either DH or myself having our own food and drinks in the house, so no him drinking “my” drink would not exactly be the issue here. The issue is surely that he has a drink problem, not who the drink belongs to. And unfortunately that is a much bigger problem to have.

But he doesn't like it, he drink it purely because it contained alcohol. How would you feel if your DH used a special shower gel that you had because he was being lazy about getting his own? Of course people have their own stuff.

Original poster

sborber · 23/01/2022 14:27

@Bananalanacake

Is he able to go to work OK, would you call him a functioning alcoholic.

Yes he works just fine, if anything work consumes him and is one of the main reasons behind his drinking - according to him. High stress job.

It's not daily. It's maybe twice a week he'll drink, and then when he's in the mood - like if something has pissed him off - he'll just drink and drink and drink.

I worry one time I'll come downstairs to him on the sofa dead.

It's not healthy. I've argued with him so many times, telling him he's a binge drinker but he doesn't consider that alcoholism.

He won't confide in anyone else and he feels seeking therapy is weak so I talk to a wall.

OP posts:

Original poster

sborber · 23/01/2022 14:31

@taylorwilde

If he is having struggles with alcohol, I would suggest having no alcohol whatsoever in the house.

And yes this will mean that you miss out on your favourite tipple every now and again - but it shows solidarity.

I barely drink so wouldn't care, and we've tried this. There have been times I will pour the booze down the drain infront of him but this is a huge trigger. It gets to Friday and after the kids are in bed he'll pop to the shop. Then again on Saturday so he'll only buy so much in order to get a little drunk.

Then when he's drank his stuff, if I have any, he'll move onto mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

sborber · 23/01/2022 14:32

@MarrymeTomHardy

Sorry OP but he is an alcoholic. You will eventually resent him to the point you hate him even though the sober him is ok. Please get your ducks in a row so that when you decide you are done, you can act immediately. On Tuesday it will be 1 year since I walked away; me and DC have never been happier - our life is so calm now- it's not easy but i've had months of therapy and am ready to move forward now. Good luck and

for you.

Thank you, definitely taking in what you are saying xx

OP posts:

Original poster

sborber · 23/01/2022 14:34

@pointythings

I was married to a man like this and it didn't end well.

Agreed I've encouraged him but he's so damn fucking stubborn it's unreal.

Family is a huge part. He was brought up around your typical WMC environment where sinking 5 or 6 pints a night is considered normal.

He's stopped talking to his family because of this and claims he doesn't want our kids to be exposed to that. He feels he's under control but it's nights like last night when he doesn't stop and I forget all the hard work we've done over the years to combat it.

We've been together 12 years. His drinking has been a problem for at least 7 of those. I might sound like a muggins on an Internet forum but as we all know, there's lots to consider when making huge decisions.

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 23/01/2022 14:36

Does he drive?

OverTheRubicon · 23/01/2022 14:38

@Aquamarine1029

my child's sake and welfare are unaffected, I make sure of this

You're delusional. Your poor kids. Get this man out of your home and away from your children. Growing up with the example being set for them will damage their lives irreparably.

Agree. I was in a similar position (though not with alcohol) - telling myself that the kids didn't know, and thinking I was actually protecting them by ensuring that I was always there rather than sharing custody with someone who was not able to care for them to the level they need. It didn't work, they felt it even if they didn't understand, and as they get older the damage is becoming more and more apparent.

He doesn't need to go to AA for you to go to Al-Anon, for friends and family, it will be helpful and likely eye opening. I'd be willing to bet that he's drinking more than you know, and he's definitely lied to you about not being suitable for AA, there's not an entry test.
Good luck

pointythings · 23/01/2022 14:38

You won't get a LTB or else from me - it took me almost 7 years from when my late husband started drinking to real excess (triggered by his mother's sudden death) to me issuing and sticking to an ultimatum. I should have done it sooner, had a clear as crystal opportunity 2 years earlier, but when you've been with someone a long time, it's hard to detach. The thought is there in your head - it's a start.

MadMadMadamMim · 23/01/2022 14:43

I'd be pouring exactly half his nice whisky down the sink to match what he'd drunk of mine for a start.

Agree with others that he's got a problem and i I'd be leaving if I'm honest. I wouldn't stay with an alcoholic, even a mostly functioning one. It's too miserable.

Adm1010 · 23/01/2022 14:44

I’m alcohol dependant in recovery . I can tell you , as others have , you’re husband has a drink problem . Likely a dependancy . Things can change if he is willing to work on it but I can’t lie and say it’s easy because it isn’t . Even if he’s willing to work on it it will likely be a lifelong battle . You need to be sure you can manage that . Al Anon will help . Good luck

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/01/2022 14:51

Bullshit did anybody from AA say he didn't fit their criteria.

Original poster

sborber · 23/01/2022 14:53

@toomuchlaundry

Does he drive?

To the shops? Yes, but this is usually before he starts drinking.

When drunk? No, never in the 12 years I've known him. To my knowledge.

OP posts:

Original poster

sborber · 23/01/2022 14:55

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Bullshit did anybody from AA say he didn't fit their criteria.

It was AA in a different country where alcohol isn't necessarily accepted - he alleges he spoke on the phone to whoever it was at the time. I wouldn't even know where to begin in the UK or who to suggest he talks to.

OP posts:

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