DH stays up drinking - including my drink

[sborber]

Okay this is going to sound spoilt and probably an overreaction but I'm angry and it's 3.20am and I've been awake 40 minutes for the second night feed with my four month old...

DH stayed up late drinking, I came to bed at 11pm. I've just been downstairs to turn the TV and light off - you know, because he falls asleep on the sofa with everything on for hours on end (but goes on at me about electricity usage, tosser) - and then as I move his glass delicately balanced between his legs I realise it's got MY favourite drink in.

My spirit that he apparently "fucking hates" but cos he was already pissed, just decides to drink. It was my Christmas present. Half a fucking bottle has gone.

I have few things I'm precious over and that's one of the one tiny things I can enjoy these days. A bottle would last me a month or two cos I'm BF and I only have the occasional drink.

But it INFURIATES ME when he bloody drinks it like it's water and he doesn't even LIKE IT!!!! I literally cannot have alcohol in this house otherwise he freaking drinks it!!!

This is on top of a shit load of booze before, too. But his football team lost boohoo.

AIBU or do I need to stfu and sleep. Cos my baby is sleeping but I'm not cos I'm so angry 😫

@Adm1010

I’m alcohol dependant in recovery . I can tell you , as others have , you’re husband has a drink problem . Likely a dependancy . Things can change if he is willing to work on it but I can’t lie and say it’s easy because it isn’t . Even if he’s willing to work on it it will likely be a lifelong battle . You need to be sure you can manage that . Al Anon will help . Good luck

I appreciate your post, thank you - even if it's just to settle my mind that I'm not crazy. He tries to convince me and himself he doesn't have a problem but it is. It most definitely has been in the past.

He is willing, it just feels like one step forward and five steps back at times like last night.

I'm fucking exhausted.

I wish you all the best in your recovery also.

Do he doesn’t drive in the morning after drinking the night before?

He isn’t willing. You are deluding yourself.

He hasn’t sought help.
He won’t stop.

Me ex was just like this . I would rarely drink at home unless someone came round but he drank nearly every night. I would sometimes be bought nice alcohol as a gift . I would be happy to share with him when I opened it but if it was a while before I opened it he would have drunk the lot ! He even drank things he didn’t like . It just had to be alcohol of someone sort .If we went out with friends and ordered wine he would have nearly polished off a bottle while the rest of us were on our first glass. It was embarrassing. He got so drunk one night he attacked our teenage son . The police came and they clocked he was drunk but I couldn’t get to show them the 5 empty wine bottles he had hidden by the sofa . Our relationship ended that night . Take serious action OP . It will only get worse .

The fact that he's drinking "your drink" is really just a side issue. The actual issue is that he is an alcoholic. Sorry to be harsh - but this is from experience - they don't get better and they drag you down with them. You really need to re-assess your relationship, realise you are worth a lot more than that and get rid of the dead baggage.

Dependancy and recovery are incredibly frustrating and often the one step forward five steps back is an all to familiar pattern . I’ve been dependant over 20 years . Managed abstinence for 2 years before lapsing in 2016 . It’s taken me till sept 21 to get back in control after that lapse . Do like I say lifelong … you really need to decide if you can be with him .
For what it’s worth I’m happily married and have been for 25 years, I have three great ( older ) children and hold down a senior job .
Addiction and recovery is very complex

His ‘past’ drinking problem is not in the past.

It WILL affect your DC.

OP as you have said yourself your DH has an alcohol problem. IMO the only way to deal with it is to stop 100%. Moderation takes up too much headspace, fantasizing about the drink lying in wait on a Friday night for example. Alcohol is an addictive substance, that is often forgotten as it is so normalized in our society. I would be giving him an ultimatum family life or alcohol.

My exH drank like this. It was horrendous to live with. He would drink anything and everything in the house when he went on a bender. He was a nasty self-pitying drunk as well, which didn't help. He's still like it, but fortunately he's my exH and my DD is 19, so I don't have to have any more to do with him.

Is this the life you really want?

I lived with an alcoholic for a while. It's unreal how good he was at persuading himself he didn't have a problem. If all else failed, he'd make out I was just a prissy middle-class cow trying to take away his working class culture. Lots of his male friends enabled it, too.

We didn't find a solution, we split. You don't need to stfu at all, you're not the problem here.

I'm just posting to wish you luck in dealing with your home situation. I understand how difficult is to be the responsible sober one when there are small children involved.

My father was an alcoholic , then I decided to marry one. Just goes to show how history can repeat itself if you don't get the children out of that environment. We're long divorced now , and I'm teetotal. Partly because I realise how dangerous alcohol can be , and also because I don't want my kids seeing what I saw growing up.

I know it's easy for me to say this op , but I do think you should leave him. Do it before the children are old enough to have problematic drinking normalised.

Best of luck to you.

He is a 'functioning alcoholic', which means he is still an alcoholic.

I'd go to Al Anon for advice.

I've tried everything - he even consulted someone who ran an AA group where we used to live abroad, but he apparently "didn't fit the criteria".

He either lied to him, lied to you, or lied to himself. It's vastly more likely you're told, ' turn up and see if you hear anything that strikes a chord" than 'you're fine mate'. I used to work in treatment and see denial every single day. People who run AA groups aren't generally idiots.

This would be me OP. I have an alcohol addiction. Its the term that is more commonly used these days rather than alcoholic. I would be exactly the same as your DH - drink all my drinks, and then move onto whatever I could find, even drinks I hated. I am now 83 days without a drink. There is so much literature out there these days, and reading that is what is really helping me. Try Alcohol Explained by William Porter, or Catherine Gray's books. They are so informative, and in my opinion, so much better than going to AA or similar ( but appreciate everyone is different!!). Good luck.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Bullshit did anybody from AA say he didn't fit their criteria.

Agreed. There is no way anyone in AA would ever say this. Not a chance.

He'd be walking to go replace the bottle he drank that's for damn sure no matter how far away he'd have to travel

@itsgoodtobehome

This would be me OP. I have an alcohol addiction. Its the term that is more commonly used these days rather than alcoholic. I would be exactly the same as your DH - drink all my drinks, and then move onto whatever I could find, even drinks I hated. I am now 83 days without a drink. There is so much literature out there these days, and reading that is what is really helping me. Try Alcohol Explained by William Porter, or Catherine Gray's books. They are so informative, and in my opinion, so much better than going to AA or similar ( but appreciate everyone is different!!). Good luck.

Apologies if my terminology had caused offence, it wasn't intended. And thank you for the helpful comment - I will surely look into getting these books. I wish you all the best xx

@DoubleGauze

I'm just posting to wish you luck in dealing with your home situation. I understand how difficult is to be the responsible sober one when there are small children involved.

My father was an alcoholic , then I decided to marry one. Just goes to show how history can repeat itself if you don't get the children out of that environment. We're long divorced now , and I'm teetotal. Partly because I realise how dangerous alcohol can be , and also because I don't want my kids seeing what I saw growing up.

I know it's easy for me to say this op , but I do think you should leave him. Do it before the children are old enough to have problematic drinking normalised.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you for your will wishes.

DH also grew up in a similar environment except my in laws are in denial. Still are. DH has cut them off for this and various other reasons (ahem siblings who use drugs) but after nights like yesterday it's very hypocritical of him. I know he tries but as everyone had said, how long does it go on for. It's risky waiting to see when we have 2 under 2.

@Eloise12

OP as you have said yourself your DH has an alcohol problem. IMO the only way to deal with it is to stop 100%. Moderation takes up too much headspace, fantasizing about the drink lying in wait on a Friday night for example. Alcohol is an addictive substance, that is often forgotten as it is so normalized in our society. I would be giving him an ultimatum family life or alcohol.

I couldn't agree more with you.

When we relocated back he would say things like "look, so and so drink a lot" and I would be like I don't fucking care they're not in my house or father of my children. It IS a problem here, the UK has a bingedrinking problem. I've explained this to him, that it's not healthy.

He's not just an alcoholic but an inconsiderate one at that. I had an ex who was like this with food, would never go out and replace it either. He needs to be replacing it.

OP only you know whether you think he will deal with this . Ultimately only he can . If he wont you need to get out .

I read something years ago , not even sure where now, and it’s true … “ the tears of my children couldn’t stop me drinking “ the pull of alcohol to a dependant person is overwhelming . The drive to drink despite the effect it’s having on your life can never be underestimated . It’s a terrible addiction that makes a person a selfish secretive liar . YOU can’t stop him .

@Jaxhog

He is a 'functioning alcoholic', which means he is still an alcoholic.

I'd go to Al Anon for advice.

I've never even heard of this group so thank you.

@toomuchlaundry

Do he doesn’t drive in the morning after drinking the night before?

Nope, I always, always, always drivr if he's binged the night before.

So OP we know he has an issue with alcohol. The only person who can fix that is him.

My advice to you, would be to tell him he has an alcohol problem. More than likely he will deny it. If he does admit it you could stay and offer to help him seek treatment. If he denies it, I strongly recommend you leave. It will not get better until he wants to try to fix it. Only worse.

It will severely negatively impact your life and your children's. It is known as a family disease for that reason. I know it is a massive, scary step, but it is 100% the best thing to do. You will be amazed how kind people can & will be.

You are stronger than you know.

@pointythings

taylorwilde please do some reading around alcohol addiction and find out that this is not a recommended course of action for the long term. The only thing that works is for the person with the alcohol problem to address the reasons why they drink. We live in a world where alcohol is readily available everywhere. Recovery means being able to handle that.

@pointythings As it happens, I'm incredibly well versed in the literature and at the initial stages of recovery your home should be a safe space and not littered with temptation.