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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-husband goes out every weekend

74 replies

abc123abc1234567 · 22/01/2022 23:45

DH and I have a 2.5 year old and a 3 month old. Have been together approximately 10 years. He is nearly 10 years older than me. When we first got together, we went out a lot. I was in my mid twenties. We got married and moved to an unfamiliar area.Husband didn't go out often because he had no friends in the area. Would occasionally go back to our city and spend the night and go out with his friends. Fine. He made friends in our new town about a year after our first was born. Gradually started going out more. It has gotten to every weekend now. Both Friday and Saturday night, always out at the local pub. Always. For at least 4 hours, maybe 6. Comes home drunk. I'm sick of it. He says I'm being a nag and trying to control him. I wouldn't care if it was maybe twice a month or even once per week. But this seems unfair. Even when our 3 month old was only 2 weeks old, he was going out and getting drunk Friday and Saturday nights. Even though I had a cesarean and needed help. He came home at 2am and we had a huge fight. When baby was 10 days old. I'm so fed up. We have had many fights about it. Is this normal? AIBU for wanting him to go out less?

OP posts:
NinaProudman2022 · 22/01/2022 23:47

This is not usual and he is being a selfish git.

Drunkpanda · 22/01/2022 23:48

If he's out Friday and Saturday, which are your nights out?

ANameChangeAgain · 22/01/2022 23:48

He is behaving like a single teenager, not a husband and father. I would move back home again, as I imagine you feel isolated and lonely.

Drunkpanda · 22/01/2022 23:48

Of course he's being U and I'm amazed none of his friends have told him so

Rumplestrumpet · 22/01/2022 23:53

That is appalling OP, but you know that already don't you? I'd be bothered about a partner going out that much even if we didn't have kids, but with small ones still waking in the night?!? It's ridiculous. And getting wasted too? Fine when you're 18, not when you're 45!!

I'm amazed you've put up with it for this long. I imagine other elements of your marriage aren't great either if he has such little respect for you.

Have you got family or friends you can turn to for support?

blyn72 · 22/01/2022 23:53

The man sounds appalling, very immature.

Sometimeswinning · 22/01/2022 23:55

Honestly, why do you need to question this?

Notimeforaname · 23/01/2022 00:03

I feel awful for you. What a horrible partner he is.

jo55ie · 23/01/2022 00:12

You're not being U. Sounds like you're looking after 3 babies. I wonder what he thinks his responsibilities are? What do you get to do to relax? This doesn't sound like family at all. What do you feel your options are?

Original poster
abc123abc1234567 · 23/01/2022 00:30

I don't get any. I visit family, with the kids, about once weekly. His family is in another country. He somehow uses this as justification 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
abc123abc1234567 · 23/01/2022 00:32

@Drunkpanda

Of course he's being U and I'm amazed none of his friends have told him so
Unfortunately his friends do the same thing. However, their children are all teenagers, none are as young as ours.
OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 23/01/2022 00:32

No, it’s not normal.
Do you have family support?

Original poster
abc123abc1234567 · 23/01/2022 00:39

@Rumplestrumpet

That is appalling OP, but you know that already don't you? I'd be bothered about a partner going out that much even if we didn't have kids, but with small ones still waking in the night?!? It's ridiculous. And getting wasted too? Fine when you're 18, not when you're 45!!

I'm amazed you've put up with it for this long. I imagine other elements of your marriage aren't great either if he has such little respect for you.

Have you got family or friends you can turn to for support?

I think it's completely ridiculous. I think I have put up with it for so long because I never had a really good man as an example. Dad was abusive. Boyfriend of 5 years was abusive. Then met DH and he was never ever abusive so I guess he seemed amazing by comparison. Also 2.5 year old is very attached to him. I guess I keep hoping he's going to change. Pathetic, I know. I'm sure my parents would let me move in with them. I guess I'm just embarrassed. My family doesn't know he is like this and they love him.
OP posts:
Original poster
abc123abc1234567 · 23/01/2022 02:00

To reply to Jo55ie, I know I should probably leave. But I am so torn. I love him and he has a lot of other good qualities. He is a very hard worker and good person. I do feel extremely disrespected though. I have been in bad relationships before and I think I just have very low standards. I should not have married this man. I realize that now. He doesn't want to grow up I guess. But my older child is very attached to him, so I would feel bad splitting them up. Also a part of me just keeps hoping he will change. I honestly think he may be depressed and is using drinking as a coping mechanism. I have asked him to get help but he refuses. He has, on occasion, admitted that i don't deserve this treatment. Yet he still does it. He has "threatened" to leave me, nights that he is out drunk and I text him asking him when he's coming home, who he is with etc., he sometimes responds angrily and says he will leave me. This is a new behavior, only the last couple of weeks has he said things like that. I confront him the next day and he says we mean the world to him and he doesn't really want to leave. The more I think about it, the more absurd it all sounds. I do everything around the house. I do 95% of the childcare. Although he does work very long hours and does all the outside maintenance on our house. He barely pays any attention to me and it seems as though spending time with us is a chore to him. I am an idiot for marrying him.

OP posts:
nalabae · 23/01/2022 02:15

He’s wrong

About10thusername · 23/01/2022 03:08

What a useless bag of shit.
You need to put your foot down. Make some arrangements with your friends and ensure he stays in with the kids.
If he doesn't get the picture after that, LTB

SunshineOnKeith · 23/01/2022 03:35

@abc123abc1234567

I don't get any. I visit family, with the kids, about once weekly. His family is in another country. He somehow uses this as justification 🙄
Assuming you're equal partners, you should get equal leisure time.

What exactly is his reasoning that you deserve less leisure time than him?

Pesimistic · 23/01/2022 07:10

This us like you have written how my life was 3 years ago, he was out every weekend and some days during the week, didn't do anything with our son, would roll his eyes if I ever had enough of it and dared to speak up about it, old I wasn't supportive of his hobbies (pub, football)I just didn't say anything in the end and I had enough and spilt up 3 years ago after 8 years of that crap. Leave seriously, life is so much easier when your on your own. He doesn't respect you, and your not respecting your self putting up with it. You will be 100% better off without the resentment and dissapointment. One positive is thst you will know what not to put up with next time.

GiantSpider · 23/01/2022 07:13

He's a selfish, inconsiderate person.

SomebodysMum · 23/01/2022 08:31

He’s not a good person though is he.

Leaving your partner alone to struggle after surgery with small children to look after isn’t something a good person does.

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 08:35

He is not a good person.
Make plans to end it.

Ploppy1322 · 23/01/2022 08:36

This isn't normal, sounds like you have a man child, the signs were there when you met, fine for you to be out partying in your mid twenties but he was 10 years older and still living that life. Looks like he wants to continue and you'll have to make a choice whether to put up with it.

toomuchlaundry · 23/01/2022 08:38

In addition to what everyone else has said, he must be spending a large amount of money on alcohol

felulageller · 23/01/2022 09:24

Ltb

QuizzicalEyebrows · 23/01/2022 10:11

This would piss me off a lot

I however would make arrangements so I could go out with friends or join some kind of something to get me out of the house in the evenings if you haven't yet made friends in your town.