AIBU-husband goes out every weekend

[abc123abc1234567]

DH and I have a 2.5 year old and a 3 month old. Have been together approximately 10 years. He is nearly 10 years older than me. When we first got together, we went out a lot. I was in my mid twenties. We got married and moved to an unfamiliar area.Husband didn't go out often because he had no friends in the area. Would occasionally go back to our city and spend the night and go out with his friends. Fine. He made friends in our new town about a year after our first was born. Gradually started going out more. It has gotten to every weekend now. Both Friday and Saturday night, always out at the local pub. Always. For at least 4 hours, maybe 6. Comes home drunk. I'm sick of it. He says I'm being a nag and trying to control him. I wouldn't care if it was maybe twice a month or even once per week. But this seems unfair. Even when our 3 month old was only 2 weeks old, he was going out and getting drunk Friday and Saturday nights. Even though I had a cesarean and needed help. He came home at 2am and we had a huge fight. When baby was 10 days old. I'm so fed up. We have had many fights about it. Is this normal? AIBU for wanting him to go out less?

To reply to the person who asked his reasoning for why I shouldn't have as much leisure time as him: he sees my weekly visit with family as my leisure time, even though I take the kids with me. I think he also thinks that since I'm the woman, I naturally have more patience for the kids. Also, he uses the excuse that he meets people that get him work when he goes out. To be honest, it's true. He owns his own business and gets most of his work through people he has met at the pub. Which is why I wouldn't mind him going out once per week, if he could only go for maybe 2 hours and not get so drunk.

@SomebodysMum

He’s not a good person though is he.

Leaving your partner alone to struggle after surgery with small children to look after isn’t something a good person does.

I have been thinking the same thing. It is appalling that he did that.

@toomuchlaundry

In addition to what everyone else has said, he must be spending a large amount of money on alcohol

Yes. He has the audacity to claim to be stressed about money, but then spends a lot of money at the pub every weekend. I think he may be an alcoholic and is incapable of being rational about it at this stage.

@Dishwashersaurous

I know it's happened but why didn't you discuss this before having another child. Did you agree what would happen? Did he want the child and want to spend time with it?

He clearly has an alcohol problem, drunk twice a week.

So either he tackles the alcohol issues or you leave

We did discuss it, and I said I would need more help, especially during the first few months after the baby was born. He said ok. Then kept going out more and more. He wasn't even going out as much as this back then.

I suggest you go to your mum's for a couple of weeks to see what happens. I did this a few years ago when DH would take the poor results of his cricket team out on me. It was never physical but if I'd vacuumed around he'd complain I hadn't done something else or if I'd cooked dinner Is done something other than what he'd have done with the same ingredients. I told him why I was going to my dad's and left him. After 2 weeks he's realised he missed me and he hasn't done this since

Oh darling 😞 you get one life. Don't waste it on someone who has no respect for you x

@HollowTalk

I can't understand people who say on a thread like this that the poster needs equivalent time off. Surely the whole point of being married is that you spend time together? If he's off getting pissed with his mates every weekend is there any point in being married to him?

I agree. I have told him I think it's strange, asked if he doesn't like me anymore or finds me boring or something. He says no, that I'm beautiful, smart, etc. He has said that maybe if I didn't nag and complain so much he would want to be around me more. I said to stop giving me things to complain about and I won't complain anymore! The more I read these comments the more I realize he's a selfish asshole and I'm a complete fool for being with him.

Hi op.
My ex husband was like this.
Him going out drinking was the only thing we ever argued about.
I stuck itbout, it was a long time ago. I did not want to be a single parent. We got on like a house on fire in every other way. Ex h admitted he had a problem and would come out with all manner of readons/excuses. He would sometimes go out for hours on a Sunday leaving me and the kids at home.
Any way the morale of my story is he did not change.
Note he is my ex. I am now very happily married to a beautiful man. The only time he ever for a out is for a couple of hours on a Sunday, I am welcome to go out with him too as I know all his friends and get along with them. Every other time dh goes out he goes with me, in fact I go out far more than dh does. My children are all adults now and I tend to enjoy my Sundays visiting my parents and catching up with watching whatever I want to watch on tv.
I am so much happier now.
My ex used to say I was controlling and nagging. It got embarrassing when family and friends would ask where he was, I was dying inside.
My advice is you have 2 choices.

1. accept this is your life until your children leave home.
2. start planning your future without him.

He's an alcoholic.

He doesn't want to change.

You need to decide what you are going to do.

@WhatWouldTheDoctorDo

Good people don't go out and get drunk every Friday and Saturday night leaving their partner at home to look after their young children and call them a nag if the express unhappiness about it.

You are right to feel disrespected, and your resentment of him will only grow. If you put up with it, your children will grow up thinking this is normal family life. He'd have to shape up or ship out if it was me.

Thank you. I was thinking the same thing, but seeing so many people saying it is really helping. His friends go out just as much as he does, some even more, so he had me questioning if this really is normal. I don't want my children to think this is normal. I have been in abusive relationships before, and DH is neither physically nor verbally abusive, (although rarely he can say nasty things when drunk, but not often.) I guess I have a messed up view of what is acceptable. I want my daughter to grow up to be more confident than I am, and to be unwilling to be treated like this!

This isn’t going to get better, it’s clear he’s an alcoholic. He’s not a good dad. Confide in your family and friends, get their support . He sounds abusive and I’d be looking at my options.

@abc123abc1234567, of course you want what's best for your children. And what's best for them is a happy mum. It seems like your husband's relationship with the nearly 3 year old is a big obstacle for you leaving. But just as you don't want your daughter to be treated like this when she grows up, you also don't want your son treating others like this. And atm, he's got a front row seat. Soon, he'll be older, he'll be seeing, observing, taking it all in. It will be gradual til one day, he starts treating his lovely mummy the same way daddy does. Because that's how he thinks women should be treated.
Issue your dh an ultimatum if YOU want to make it work. He either sorts it or you're out. But if you don't want to sort it, move out. ( I personally could no longer, love, respect, or even LIKE, a 'man' who left me on my own after surgery to cope. I just couldn't. But you coped because you're strong. Just like you'll cope without him.

Do not blame yourself op, you haven't done anything wrong here.
As for his other friends doing it, I did lots of research when I was married to a man like this. To summarise very briefly; like attracts like. He will seek out like minded people. Drug addicts hang out with other drug addicts. Racists hang out with other racists. Fitness fanatics hang out with other fitness fanatics. It helps to normal your dh's behaviour, he will use this as an excuse

@MarshmallowSwede

No it’s not normal.

As a little experiment, next weekend when he leaves to go out you and the children should be somewhere else when he comes home. Maybe go see your family or stay at a hotel for a weekend.

Give him a taste of single life since that is what he seems to want. He certainly doesn’t want a family. He doesn’t act like he wants one.

If this were me I would just leave. I know it’s easier said than done. But I definitely would be a ghost the next time he came home from his pub night. I wouldn’t tell him I’m leaving. I would just go.

And if you do come back if he asks you about it just say “oh I didn’t think you would mind since you don’t spend time with us on the weekend anyway. I didn’t think you would notice. How was your night out?”

And every single weekend I would be gone. Until one weekend I just don’t come back. Or one night when he comes home to sleep off his drunkenness the locks are changed… surely one of his pub mates will let him crash at their place.

I really love this idea. I have considered it, but I'm just afraid the older child wouldn't sleep well in a hotel. Maybe I should just try it.

Sounds like my step Dad.

Don’t make my Mums mistake and stay with him for 15 years more than you should, just because you have small kids. It won’t get easier, he won’t get better. The resentment and bitterness will eat you up.

Leave.s

Can you go and stay with family for a week? See how you feel after a week or two. It’s difficult to get perspective when you are in the thick of it. You may feel more empowered to make some difficult decisions if you weren’t so knackered. I doubt he will cop himself on, but you never know. A week sleeping on his own in a cold bed might make him reconsider his dick head behaviour. Maybe marriage therapy?

Does he drink during the week?

Stop calling yourself a fool.

The only fool here is your H. He has chosen alcohol over a loving relationship with an intelligent, articulate woman and his precious DCs.

@GettingStuffed

I suggest you go to your mum's for a couple of weeks to see what happens. I did this a few years ago when DH would take the poor results of his cricket team out on me. It was never physical but if I'd vacuumed around he'd complain I hadn't done something else or if I'd cooked dinner Is done something other than what he'd have done with the same ingredients. I told him why I was going to my dad's and left him. After 2 weeks he's realised he missed me and he hasn't done this since

I have thought about doing something like that. I'm glad it worked for you.

[quote Lemonweightloss]@abc123abc1234567, of course you want what's best for your children. And what's best for them is a happy mum. It seems like your husband's relationship with the nearly 3 year old is a big obstacle for you leaving. But just as you don't want your daughter to be treated like this when she grows up, you also don't want your son treating others like this. And atm, he's got a front row seat. Soon, he'll be older, he'll be seeing, observing, taking it all in. It will be gradual til one day, he starts treating his lovely mummy the same way daddy does. Because that's how he thinks women should be treated.
Issue your dh an ultimatum if YOU want to make it work. He either sorts it or you're out. But if you don't want to sort it, move out. ( I personally could no longer, love, respect, or even LIKE, a 'man' who left me on my own after surgery to cope. I just couldn't. But you coped because you're strong. Just like you'll cope without him.[/quote]
Thank you so much for this, it brought tears to my eyes @Lemonweightloss
I often wonder why I still have feelings for him at all. But i guess it's because he is great in some ways. He almost never speaks to me in a disrespectful way. Never criticizes me-my appearance, my intelligence, how I keep the house, etc., only when I complain about his going out then he calls me a nag. Isn't jealous or controlling at all. But I've been in abusive relationships in the past, so I'm sure my perception is skewed. He has proven that he doesn't respect me. And my children deserve better. I do plan to give him an ultimatum and I will leave if I have to. I'm not to the point of not loving him yet, but I know if things continue this way I will get there.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Does he drink during the week?

Not much. He almost never goes out during the week. He might have a couple of beers at home once kids are in bed.

@mathanxiety

Stop calling yourself a fool.

The only fool here is your H. He has chosen alcohol over a loving relationship with an intelligent, articulate woman and his precious DCs.

Thank you so much @mathanxiety. I really appreciate it. Reading all the supportive comments is really empowering. DH had me questioning my sanity and thinking maybe a lot of men really do behave like this and I just like to complain, as he says.

Hugs to you OP.
He's treating you badly.
I'd tell him you're going to your Mum's for a couple of weeks to think about whether you still want to be married to him.
Explain clearly and calmly how his binge drinking and leaving you alone makes you miserable .
If he has any regard for you he'll pull himself together.
I'd still go to Mum's for a bit anyway because he's a selfish bastard and probably needs this shock to wake him up.

It's selfish & it doesn't sound like he's a great dad or partner. I bet it costs loads too.

I'm a bloke & I'd only be going out like that if I were chasing women.

I'm 10 yrs older than my Mrs. Around the same age & met on a night out. Not been out in years.