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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU-husband goes out every weekend

74 replies

abc123abc1234567 · 22/01/2022 23:45

DH and I have a 2.5 year old and a 3 month old. Have been together approximately 10 years. He is nearly 10 years older than me. When we first got together, we went out a lot. I was in my mid twenties. We got married and moved to an unfamiliar area.Husband didn't go out often because he had no friends in the area. Would occasionally go back to our city and spend the night and go out with his friends. Fine. He made friends in our new town about a year after our first was born. Gradually started going out more. It has gotten to every weekend now. Both Friday and Saturday night, always out at the local pub. Always. For at least 4 hours, maybe 6. Comes home drunk. I'm sick of it. He says I'm being a nag and trying to control him. I wouldn't care if it was maybe twice a month or even once per week. But this seems unfair. Even when our 3 month old was only 2 weeks old, he was going out and getting drunk Friday and Saturday nights. Even though I had a cesarean and needed help. He came home at 2am and we had a huge fight. When baby was 10 days old. I'm so fed up. We have had many fights about it. Is this normal? AIBU for wanting him to go out less?

OP posts:

scorpiogirly · 23/01/2022 10:11

I would not tolerate this. Once a month when you have such young children is more than enough.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2022 10:14

I know it's happened but why didn't you discuss this before having another child. Did you agree what would happen? Did he want the child and want to spend time with it?

He clearly has an alcohol problem, drunk twice a week.

So either he tackles the alcohol issues or you leave

Sundancerintherain · 23/01/2022 10:14

He. Will. Never. Change.

CityMumma78 · 23/01/2022 10:18

He’s behaving like a single man and showing you, your marriage and children complete contempt and disrespect!

TracyMosby · 23/01/2022 10:21

He says I'm being a nag and trying to control him
This is appalling. He is the one who is controlling. He is preventing you from every doing anything because he isn't there to parent.

LittleKitten1 · 23/01/2022 10:22

V v unreasonable of him.
What is the financial impact of him spending so much time (and money?) down the pub? What exactly is he doing in there for 4 hours.

My partner goes to the pub for a couple of hours now and again. Which is ok with me. Not every weekend.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2022 10:29

I can't understand people who say on a thread like this that the poster needs equivalent time off. Surely the whole point of being married is that you spend time together? If he's off getting pissed with his mates every weekend is there any point in being married to him?

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 23/01/2022 10:32

Good people don't go out and get drunk every Friday and Saturday night leaving their partner at home to look after their young children and call them a nag if the express unhappiness about it.

You are right to feel disrespected, and your resentment of him will only grow. If you put up with it, your children will grow up thinking this is normal family life. He'd have to shape up or ship out if it was me.

RampantIvy · 23/01/2022 10:34

This is how my late BILl's alcoholism started. You say he gets drunk every time. This is not good.

You shouldn't be hiding his behaviour from your parents. They need to know, and will want to support you. Please don't have any more children with him. He won't change.

Antsgomarching · 23/01/2022 10:36

Not a good person, sorry I think your radar for assholes is still off. Good people don’t ditch the people they love to go drinking after they had surgery and leave them with a newborn and a toddler.

BoodleBug51 · 23/01/2022 10:39

He's going to do exactly what he wants, OP.

A man who spends all weekend with alcohol in his system isn't a great dad, and you need to raise the standards of acceptable behaviour for yourself and your kids.

MazzleDazzle · 23/01/2022 10:43

I consider myself to be very laid back about this sort of thing. My DH is welcome to go out whenever he wants and he’s been on plenty of stag weekends and holidays abroad with his mates. Even I think your DH is taking the fucking piss! He’s a man-child. How dare he treat you like this. This is not normal behaviour, nothing like it.

NinaProudman2022 · 23/01/2022 10:52

I think you really need to seek legal advice and then move on.

He is a waste of space and behaving like a teenager with no responsibilities and no treating you or your children right. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been unfaithful either.

A good friend was in a similar position. Left holding the babies every weekend while her DH played the field and was out drinking until the early hours. She was frightened to say anything incase he left her and she loved him and thought he was a catch. One day she said we might as well not be married with you carrying on like this. He packed a case and moved out but soon tried to come crawling back when he realised how much maintenance he would be paying (and wouldn’t be able to afford his bachelor life style). But my friend had told her parents and good friends by this point and refused to have him back. She picked herself up and soon met someone else who treated her right.

She has moved away looks great, seems to have a great life and her adult kids seem to idolise her. Whereas, he lives locally, is bloated totally lost his looks and just looks like a complete saddo.

Her speaking out and not taking him back
was the best thing for her and her DC.

Take care OP

Cherrysoup · 23/01/2022 10:54

He doesn’t care for you at all, does he? I’d be so delighted to organise contact at weekends so he’d have to stay away from the pub. He needs to grow up.

MegaClutterSlut · 23/01/2022 11:05

I don't know how the hell you've put up with it for so long. He's a piss taking arsehole who gives no fucks about his family

DemelzaandRoss · 23/01/2022 11:09

Either he changes or you divorce. Simples.

Wnkingawalrus · 23/01/2022 11:13

YABU for still being with this selfish excuse for a man.

Kick him out now OP, this will never get any better for you.

WonderfulYou · 23/01/2022 11:26

Grown adults can go out whenever they want and don’t need their partners acting like their parents and telling them otherwise.

However in this situation he is being completely unreasonable and selfish. And it’s worrying that he doesn’t realise that this behaviour is completely unacceptable.
Your kids are half his - he needs to do half of the work.

When do you get chance to go out and get drunk or have a lie in?
When is he doing the night feeds?

I also agree with a PP that he must be spending quite a lot of money going out so much.

User48751490 · 23/01/2022 11:28

What a man child.

MarshmallowSwede · 23/01/2022 11:46

No it’s not normal.

As a little experiment, next weekend when he leaves to go out you and the children should be somewhere else when he comes home. Maybe go see your family or stay at a hotel for a weekend.

Give him a taste of single life since that is what he seems to want. He certainly doesn’t want a family. He doesn’t act like he wants one.

If this were me I would just leave. I know it’s easier said than done. But I definitely would be a ghost the next time he came home from his pub night. I wouldn’t tell him I’m leaving. I would just go.

And if you do come back if he asks you about it just say “oh I didn’t think you would mind since you don’t spend time with us on the weekend anyway. I didn’t think you would notice. How was your night out?”

And every single weekend I would be gone. Until one weekend I just don’t come back. Or one night when he comes home to sleep off his drunkenness the locks are changed… surely one of his pub mates will let him crash at their place.

WonderfulYou · 23/01/2022 11:57

As a little experiment, next weekend when he leaves to go out you and the children should be somewhere else when he comes home.

Or tell him that you’re going out instead.
If it turns into an argument you know exactly what he thinks about you.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 12:01

Totally unacceptable. Your relationship is doomed, sadly. Get rid of him.

100Cause0ftheSauce · 23/01/2022 12:31

He goes out to the pub every weekend & comes home drunk

Why did you have more children ?

RampantIvy · 23/01/2022 12:33

@100Cause0ftheSauce

He goes out to the pub every weekend & comes home drunk

Why did you have more children ?

A harsh question, but no doubt one that many mumsnetters might wonder.

Original poster

abc123abc1234567 · 23/01/2022 15:30

@Pesimistic

This us like you have written how my life was 3 years ago, he was out every weekend and some days during the week, didn't do anything with our son, would roll his eyes if I ever had enough of it and dared to speak up about it, old I wasn't supportive of his hobbies (pub, football)I just didn't say anything in the end and I had enough and spilt up 3 years ago after 8 years of that crap. Leave seriously, life is so much easier when your on your own. He doesn't respect you, and your not respecting your self putting up with it. You will be 100% better off without the resentment and dissapointment. One positive is thst you will know what not to put up with next time.

Thank you. There is a lot of resentment building. I feel like a fool for not realizing this is how he would be. He does play with the 2.5 year old and seem to enjoy it, but not really all that often. He generally seems to view quality time with us as a chore. I feel like it will break the 2.5 year old's heart if we split up. But I know it would probably be best. Glad things are better for you now.

OP posts:

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