Aibu to pull my child out of nursery

[Kanfuzed123]

So my daughter was SGA 2.3kg at 37 weeks. No signs of iugr or fgr, we were told constitutionally small, but who knows. Enter lots of mum guilt and blame.

She caught up to approx 15th centile by 6 months and floated in that range, got up to 25th for weight but then fell to 15th after she became more mobile. That’s fine our mid parental range is from 9-91st.

She started nursery and it’s big after big after bug, she held out ok still floating around that centile and before 2, her length fell between 2nd and 9th centile, weight stayed the same and then at a check a few months ago her weight has fallen to the same centile range and she’s now faltering growth. I feel like the worlds worst parent and like I’ve failed her. She’s got another cold and a sickness bug now again so she’ll drop further. I don’t know what to do for her. She’s been prescribed weight gain drinks but she won’t drink them. I think she eats enough to keep her ticking over (we do all the tricks to make her food higher calorie) but not enough to gain and her appetite gets affected by being constantly unwell. I’m concerned because she’s not eating enough it will impact her catch up growth. Her dietician who prescribed the shakes has said calories are required for growth and at a young age growth is largely nutrition related.

I’m at a loss, DH is depressed from it and ends up inadvertently putting pressure on her which makes it worse, I’ve stopped this as soon as i noticed, but it is a very desperate situation because we are so worried about her.

At this point, what would you do? Take her out of nursery? I’m considering it, just so her health can recover. I know she might get Ill then at school but since sep 20 she’s probably had 2 weeks cumulative of good health. She’s had 2 lots of blood tests because of how unwell she gets but they’re all normal. Are there any other tests? I do think she must be more ill than the average child.

Should I just pull her out of nursery? I’m on mat leave so I’m at home? Is it unreasonable to pull her out? Dh isn’t sure I’ll cope alone with both of this (kind of insulting but that’s another post).

She’s off her food with every sickness bug or every time she gets phlegm in her throat which is a regular occurrence with the amount of colds she has. She also passes it on to her brother who’s a newborn and I’ve already been chastised by our GP as he’s had bronchilitis twice.

Wwyd?

If you’re on mat leave then yes, I would pull her out for a while but be aware they won’t hold her space so if it’s a popular nursery you risk not being able to get her back in if you need to work when mat leave over. I think the constant illness thing is normal (especially now post covid lockdown). What does her dietician suggest?

I'd take her out and hire a nanny. Her body isn't coping. Everyone with more robust children don't have a comparable situation. Her needs are different. She'd really benefit to having access to high fat/protein snacks at will through the day. Have the nanny pop them in little pots where she can eat them whenever she's hungry. I'd follow your gut. You know this isn't working for her.

What we’re weighing up is her health, food intake at home (it’s always ok at nursery) and her growth.

She loves nursery, it’s a great stimulating environment and she’s made friends and loves her key carer and is probably more stimulated there than she would be at home with a newborn. My husband wfm and he was concerned he wouldn’t get a lot done as it’s distracting when she’s here with me two days a week. It was also a small break for me as we have no support network

@paname

I'd take her out and hire a nanny. Her body isn't coping. Everyone with more robust children don't have a comparable situation. Her needs are different. She'd really benefit to having access to high fat/protein snacks at will through the day. Have the nanny pop them in little pots where she can eat them whenever she's hungry. I'd follow your gut. You know this isn't working for her.

You know most people can't afford to just hire a nanny don't you?

Children don't need nursery.
There are loads of other things they can do for the social aspect.

Maybe try her out for 6 months and go from there.

Keep phoning child minders so you have a few hours here and there covered?
Your dh works in different room or something? Door shut?
Millions of people managed over lock down.

Where there is a will there is a way.
If the major barrier is your sanity then find a way to get a feel free hours a week.
Even if she stays where she is but does reduced hours?

Taking her out doesn't need to be forever. How much longer are you on mat leave? Finances wise surely this is the easiest time you can have her at home, but juggling with a newborn will be hard work. Your husbands comments are not the most helpful - it's not unreasonable to expect him to pick up some of the domestic load either btw, even if he is working.

I'd take her out for a couple of months in your care, minimal contact with germy situations, and reassess. Whether you have to keep paying nursery fees will depend on your area/the nursery/how easy it is to find another place - but even if you have to pay for nothing for 2 months, financially you're not much different than budgeted apart from meal costs.

Good luck OP, this sounds really stressful

Presumably the GP will refer you to specialists in DD’s condition - could they also help advise?

I think the reason we don’t call it “failure to thrive” now is because most parents don’t need to hear the word failure - you have NOT failed. You sound like loving parents going crazy with worry for very rational reasons.

I think the advice to take her or for a few weeks to catch your breath, give yourselves a hug, and hopefully see her a bit more healthy, is a good one and might make you all feel a lot better.

Then when you have caught your breath, you and DH can review all the childcare options in the area. The advice about looking at Childminder’s sounds good - making a list of what things are most important to you, like managing a specialist diet, or whatever, might help.

Hang on in there, your Mama Bear instincts to protect are in overdrive right now - and they are the right instincts in a way, but you need to get some space and relief so you can plan a way ahead.

@paname

I'd take her out and hire a nanny. Her body isn't coping. Everyone with more robust children don't have a comparable situation. Her needs are different. She'd really benefit to having access to high fat/protein snacks at will through the day. Have the nanny pop them in little pots where she can eat them whenever she's hungry. I'd follow your gut. You know this isn't working for her.

Grazing is the opposite of what her dietitian suggested though. She’s recommended structured meal, 2x snacks and supper with her weight gain shake (which she won’t drink). I think a nanny would be totally out of our price range. I’ve always seen been under the impression they are £20 an hr at least?

@BogRollBOGOF
We're not far from the end of the winter illness season are we?! Oh thank goodness for that?! First time mum here and it's been a right nightmare this winter. I am glad there is a season and it will end. I can't take much more.

Op all the toddler groups are on again around here, they provide a structured play environment and people go with babies.

There is only so much stimulating a toddler needs.
I think the two main concerns are her picking up bugs and eating and your need for a break.

Have you asked locally for women's help type... I don't imagine a nanny would do reduced hours.
Or cut down on her nursery hours but don't take her out completely.

How can you be sure she is eating well there.

I don't really have any advice on the weight gain, but my first was smaller than that at 39 weeks- again no particular reason (the placenta was failing but they didn't pinpoint a cause). She remained tiny, 0 5th centile, until she was about 4 (didn't walk until she was 2) and then absolutely shot up and she's in 10-11 clothes at just 8 (I am nearly 6ft so this is not unexpected). So just some reassurance they don't track the same centile forever. And don't feel guilty about it! I kept getting asked if I'd smoked after she was born and I've never touched cigarettes...

Also- she has the constitution of an ox and is hardly ever sick. It's unlikely to be the low weight on its own that means she keeps getting poorly but some kids do seem to have a much worse time with nursery bugs- my youngest who was mid to upper centiles had a much worse time of it.

These cold type phlegm symptoms can be a sign of food intolerance if constant, you could try eliminating food, intolerances can bring on a low level illness. I am saying this from my personal experience, my baby started going up centile one month into nursery because she copies the other kids eating. At this stage you can’t be sure if it’s behavioural and you’re already saying there’s a bit of pressure from dad, getting regular meals with her nursery mates might be really helpful. Do you ask nursery to give the calorie drinks? We ask nursery to give the high calorie stuff we give them over other stuff. However my baby did not have the same start as yours, we had intolerance struggles.

Totally get the guilt thing, I’m always thinking what if… if I’d done that sooner… why didn’t I …

Sorry that was meant to say “take her out of nursery for a few weeks” not “take her or”.

One of my children wasn't 'allowed' to go to nursery during the winter, autumn and spring. They were much healthier not going, I have to admit. They weren't particularly vulnerable but the breathing was always being affected by bugs all. They'd just had as much as the paediatrician felt was reasonable to put them through.

DD was born at 36 weeks at 4lb 1oz, she dropped to 3lb10oz before we brought her home a week old. She barley gained any weight from bf alone so was topped up with high calorie premmie milk until I changed her totally to premmie formula at 8 weeks. She went into new born clothes at 6 months old. She has always been tiny. Always below 9th centile. She was so small when she started school (think age 2-3 clothes for reception) and was for a long time. She suddenly caught up at around 8. She’s still short in height but now at 9.5 she’s in 10-11 clothes.
She’s always suffered with bugs, she’s asthmatic and needed up in hospital a couple of times but again the older she’s got the more she’s grown out of it.

The most healthy she’s ever been was during lockdown when there were so few bugs!

Hi again op just saw your baby is 2 and a bit. I had a chat with dietitian last week and they told me to be prepared for food refusing at that age as very common and not to be alarmed. Again don’t have the same situation as you of “failure to thrive”, we had dropping 2 centile sections.

What paname said about a nanny leaving high calorie food out - that’s what we asked our nursery to do and they do it, and they update the app to show us exactly what she’s eaten “xx from home, 2 pieces”. So it may be a case of different nursery too if you feel they’re not doing what’s needed.

I do think what you hear about developing a good immune system by getting every bug going is more for the parents' benefit. They get lots of exposure in normal family home settings. Nurseries are just a melting pot. Children were never meant to be raised as litters, for want of a better word.

@Namechange12312 her dietitian said she’s seen more robust children fall 3+ centiles post lockdown due to bugs but she’s so much more fragile. She recommended the weight gain shakes but she won’t drink them and now she’s got another sickness bug so I’m going to email her Monday.

@Forgotthebins she doesn’t have a condition, so there is no one to refer to. It’s not failure to thrive anymore it’s faltering growth but it’s the same thing really. So stressful

Personally I wouldn't take her out of nursery as you've said she's settled and her food intake whilst there is good. By removing her you could unsettle her more. Being at nursery she's probably very active keeping up with her peers hence why her intake may be good. It's a shame she's been poorly recently but most children go through this when at nursery / school.

Does she seem actually underweight or is it one of those annoying statistics things?

The winter cold season is over soon!

@JanuaryBluehoo her nursery give us a report of what she eats everyday. They make her food as high calorie as they can by adding butter and cheese to it, give her gold top milk etc.

@rainyskylight

Does she seem actually underweight or is it one of those annoying statistics things?

The winter cold season is over soon!

It’s not just the weight though, it’s impacted her height too, so she doesn’t look very very thin, she just looks small and petite, she’s only for size 5 feet but her feet are so narrow too, it’s v hard to get shoes to fit her.

It makes no difference, she was constantly Ill all of last year. The vomiting bugs started in September though.

Has he tested her for celiac? The excess mucus is occasionally indicative of celiac disease this would cause failure to thrive because the nutritients won't be absorbed

I think reducing her hrs it won’t change a lot, she’ll still have the exposure to the bugs. She had 10 days off over x mas and finally got better and went back and got a cold straight away and now this.

She also had bronchilitis as a baby and apparently they’re more susceptible to colds and coughs if they had it young. Bodes well for my youngest