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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex taking ds abroad

73 replies

callycustard · 22/01/2022 12:36

Not really an AIBU but more of a how would you deal with this.

Ex and I share ds10. We split when he was a baby. Over the years both remarried with other kids. Overall we get on well but my ex was and still is very volatile, flies off the handle, likes his own way and will kick off if he doesn't get it. His parenting style is quite different to mine, he doesn't have a lot of patience and he can be (I feel) overly harsh on ds for doing just typical kid stuff. But he's always been consistent with contact and ds does love him although I think he behaves slightly differently with him than he does with me. Almost like hes a bit worried about putting a foot wrong.

Ex is due to be taking ds abroad this summer and it's playing on my mind. He's never done this before. Along with the usual going abroad worries (covid, accidents, getting lost, swimming dangers) I am concerned how ex will actually cope with ds for that length of time (10 days) and of course I will really miss him.

I know I can't stop him going. It's not an unreasonable request for ex to want to do this. But how do I stop worrying and obsessing over it? This is one area of Co parenting that I am really struggling with :-(

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 22/01/2022 12:38

Have you ever taken him abroad, if yes then ex should be able to as well.

Original poster
callycustard · 22/01/2022 12:47

Yes I have and yes I know that. I'm not saying he can't. I'm saying his personality and parenting style is different to mine and he's never taken him before so I am just a bit worried. I'm not planning on stopping it I'm asking for advice and reassurance from people who've maybe been through the same thing.

OP posts:
Snowiscold · 22/01/2022 12:51

Is he taking him abroad by himself or is he going with his new partner and children too?

Original poster
callycustard · 22/01/2022 12:56

@Snowiscold yeah his wife and ds little brother are going too.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 22/01/2022 12:58

First time for everything and he may disagree with your parenting style

AFS1 · 22/01/2022 12:59

Does your son have a mobile phone? Would it help if he had a way to contact you while he was away? How well do you know his wife? Is she going away with them and is she someone you can trust more to keep your son safe?

Aimee1987 · 22/01/2022 13:07

Why are you worried about ex handling DS for 10 day? How does normal contact work? Does he often or ever have DS for prolonged periods eith to holiday in UK or even just during the holidays
I would say 10 days abroad with a parent is not a big deal.

The acting different is hard. Do you actually think hes abusive? If so then SS is needed. If hes just a stricter parent then you I wouldn't worry. At 10 ( same age as my DSS) they are perfectly able to accept 2 houses with different rules.

Snowywintersundays123 · 22/01/2022 13:07

Is not unreasonable to worry, as that’s natural, but you are over thinking it. He will have a fab time with his dad , step mum and sibling. Your parenting might be different but your not with him constantly when he’s at his dads to see how he parents.

Let your Ds go, enjoy himself and be excited for him to come up. Don’t let your anxiety over it all rub off on Ds, that isn’t fair at all.

Original poster
callycustard · 22/01/2022 13:07

Yes I do have a good relationship with his wife and we have each other's numbers. I do feel better that she will be there too but they have a very young son and she will have her hands full with him I suspect. Ds has a phone so he can keep in touch.

The bitchy comments about him not agreeing with my parenting style are really pointless and unhelpful. I do 80% of all the care for our son. I don't shout and intimidate when he does something wrong. And when we go abroad I am always extra vigilant. I'm not saying his dad is unfit to look after him, I'm saying it isn't nice having to basically relinquish your control as a mum for 10 days and wave your kid off to a foreign country with someone who has form for acting like an idiot.

Again, I'm not saying I would attempt to stop him from going. It's just hard for me.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/01/2022 13:09

Since you really can't stop him I'd make sure DS has a phone. And if it's possible I'd try to have the funds set aside to be able to fly out and bring him home if necessary.

Original poster
callycustard · 22/01/2022 13:09

@Aimee1987 normal contact is EOW. And occasionally a night in the week. Sometimes UK holidays but usually long weekends rather than weeks.

Ex was definitely abusive to me. Maybe that's why I find this sort of stuff so hard. He love ds I have no doubt about that but his temper and impatience can be intimidating.

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 22/01/2022 13:11

No one is being “bitchy” you either think he’s abusive if you do then he shouldn’t be having any unsupervised contact or you don’t, it sounds like you don’t and he is just stricter than you which is no reason to stop your son having a holiday, he won’t thank you for it, he may think you’re too soft 🤷‍♀️

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/01/2022 13:13

The bitchy comments about him not agreeing with my parenting style are really pointless and unhelpful.

Nobody is being bitchy.

CagneyNYPD1 · 22/01/2022 13:14

I sympathise OP. If course it will be hard for you to wave ds off on this holiday. But reframing it might help. Keep reminding yourself that your ds is is off on a family holiday with his little brother. His dad and SM sound like capable people. They may do things differently to you but they are capable of looking after ds nonetheless.

Just keep telling yourself that after everything that has happened in the past 2 years, DS now gets to go on holiday with his little brother. And repeat.

Sowhatifiam · 22/01/2022 13:20

which is no reason to stop your son having a holiday

OP never said anything about stopping her son having a holiday.

Nobody is being bitchy

I beg to differ. See above.

it is perfectly fine for the OP to be concerned about it. She doesn't need people piling on saying she's trying to stop her son having a holiday when she has never even suggested that. That's just bitching at her for the sake of it.

Rainydonkey · 22/01/2022 13:21

I can understand why you are worried. However, DC's stepmother sounds like she is a decent person. From what you have said about your ex it sounds like rightly or wrongly, he is likely to leave a lot of the child care to her. For that reason I don't think you need to worry too much. I think the suggestion of making sure DS has a phone with credit on is a good one, for your peace of mind if nothing else. Beyond that, I think you just need to grit your teeth and wave them off with a smile.

VerveClique · 22/01/2022 13:30

You’ve got a lot of time between now and then to quietly upskill DS in terms of independence e.g.

  • Making him aware of how to cross a road independently, and nearer the time Explaining repeatedly that the traffic may be on the opposite side
  • the importance of staying together in strange places, and what to do if lost when out and about (don’t leave, find someone in uniform, find a mum with a pram)
  • explain about safety and only doing stuff you’re comfortable with anyway
  • stranger danger generally
  • beach safety
  • sun safety
  • making sure he can look after his own things
  • judicious use of a phone maybe, to include a code word if things are bad
  • a plan for you to speak every second day or something while he is away
  • maybe learn a few key phrases of the local language in a fun way e.g., I’d like a lemonade please, I am 10, I’ve lost my dad etc.

He’s old enough to have some life skills himself, you can’t rely on these but you can help.

Ignore snarky PPs.

Original poster
callycustard · 22/01/2022 13:31

I literally wrote in my op that I can't and won't stop him going. And that I know it's not unreasonable for my ex to suggest this 🙄

My ex is an abusive person. He was abusive to me and I suspect he treats his new wife similarly. I have never had any reason to believe he's abusive to ds but once someone he treated you like that it's hard to trust their judgement and behaviour again. Especially when it concerns the most important person in your life.

We have had ten years of relative calm with everyone getting along. But even now when we disagree he will chip away or give me abuse until I give in. It doesn't happen often but when it does it brings back a lot of unpleasant feelings for me.

So this is why im struggling. Im really grateful for the sensible advice and understanding. I know all I can really do is wave ds off and let him know he can keep in touch. It will just be very hard and I'll miss him a lot.

OP posts:
KO81 · 22/01/2022 13:36

Certain posters are deliberately (or perhaps just have very poor comprehension) misinterpreting the OP’s posts.

She’s asking for advice to cope, she’s made it very plain she’s not going to try to stop anything and agrees the father has s right to take his son abroad.

She’s merely voiced her concerns on his parenting style and is asking for support.

Woofwoofbarkbark · 22/01/2022 13:42

Sometimes mumsnet is a nasty place.

OP you're worried about your son going abroad with your ex who loses his temper quickly. This is a reasonable worry. I get it.

Is he better when is wife can help him with childcare?

Woofwoofbarkbark · 22/01/2022 13:44

Ask him send postcards and text if he can borrow a phone. Even phone calls is fine. Can you give your ex some money towards the phone bill? Or get DS a PAYG phone to take with him?
Get him some books and magazines so he can take himself off for quiet time if he feels like his dad would appreciate the break!

endofthelinefinally · 22/01/2022 13:48

@RedCandyApple

No one is being “bitchy” you either think he’s abusive if you do then he shouldn’t be having any unsupervised contact or you don’t, it sounds like you don’t and he is just stricter than you which is no reason to stop your son having a holiday, he won’t thank you for it, he may think you’re too soft 🤷‍♀️
This is really unfair. The courts award unsupervised contact to even the most abusive parents and the other parent can do nothing about it.
BABAHOTEL · 22/01/2022 13:51

Keep busy, book loads, try and take advantage of being child free, tough I know.

RedCandyApple · 22/01/2022 13:52

She didn’t mention he was abusive that only came out in further posts so I won’t comment on that, the op implied it was different parenting styles and he was stricter than her, I’m not going to comment on the drip feed as it usually happens when people don’t get the answers they wanted. Op has taken her child abroad so his father should be able to as well they split a long time ago now when the child was a baby who is now 10 so no reason why he can’t take him abroad if op refuses then he will probably do the same when she wants to take him away

KO81 · 22/01/2022 13:56

@RedCandyApple

She didn’t mention he was abusive that only came out in further posts so I won’t comment on that, the op implied it was different parenting styles and he was stricter than her, I’m not going to comment on the drip feed as it usually happens when people don’t get the answers they wanted. Op has taken her child abroad so his father should be able to as well they split a long time ago now when the child was a baby who is now 10 so no reason why he can’t take him abroad if op refuses then he will probably do the same when she wants to take him away
I know I can't stop him going. It's not an unreasonable request for ex to want to do this. But how do I stop worrying and obsessing over it?

She literally said this in the OP yet you’ve gone on and on about her ‘stopping him’. You’re looking foolish and appearing as though you just fancy having a pop. Which I suspect you do.

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