Ex taking ds abroad

[callycustard]

Not really an AIBU but more of a how would you deal with this.

Ex and I share ds10. We split when he was a baby. Over the years both remarried with other kids. Overall we get on well but my ex was and still is very volatile, flies off the handle, likes his own way and will kick off if he doesn't get it. His parenting style is quite different to mine, he doesn't have a lot of patience and he can be (I feel) overly harsh on ds for doing just typical kid stuff. But he's always been consistent with contact and ds does love him although I think he behaves slightly differently with him than he does with me. Almost like hes a bit worried about putting a foot wrong.

Ex is due to be taking ds abroad this summer and it's playing on my mind. He's never done this before. Along with the usual going abroad worries (covid, accidents, getting lost, swimming dangers) I am concerned how ex will actually cope with ds for that length of time (10 days) and of course I will really miss him.

I know I can't stop him going. It's not an unreasonable request for ex to want to do this. But how do I stop worrying and obsessing over it? This is one area of Co parenting that I am really struggling with :-(

@UnsolicitedDickPic yes! That sounds so similar, it's not that I'm trying to say he's a bad parent but he has never had the same sort of responsibility as I have. He lets ds stay up stupidly late at the weekend (not a crime) but then can't deal with him when he's tired the next day. That sort of thing. And if challenged he just gets defensive so usually I'm left picking up the pieces.

Sometimes it helps to reframe the event in your eyes, it takes the emotions out of the scenario.

Try telling yourself it's like DC going on an overseas school trip or abroad with a friend. You wouldn't know those adults particularly well and you'd still worry and miss him but you'd probably feel happier than how you feel because he's your ex. At 10 your DS isn't a baby and you can teach him many of the things listed above by a PP which are great life skills anyway.

It's hard for DC to go between houses and it's likely they never quite settle and get over the transition, spending a longer time together may well allow your DC to mellow a little and not worry, and for your ex to parent properly. DD loves her dad and visiting him but describes it as being like visiting/staying at someone's house and always being on your best behaviour

Maybe it would help to reframe it as wonderful bonding time for your DS and his half brother? My DC have half siblings and they absolutely cherish the long holidays they get with them. Your ex might not be perfect but I imagine he's heading into this hoping to make everyone miserable on a holiday. He will do his best and it will be good enough. It's comforting to know the stepmum will be there as well looking out for him.

• write down your ds' passport details before you hand it over
• take out separate travel insurance for ds to ensure he is properly covered.
• set up a reverse charge mandate between ds' phone and yours.
• make sure ds has plenty of credit/data
• ensure ds knows to use sun cream etc.
• Provide new sun cream (my ex insists on using any old 15 yo tube he unearths from a drawer.)

@callycustard The staying up late really resonates with me particularly. And one particular incident where he shouted at her for not being able to walk as far as he wanted her to on her little legs - she was only 2 and so good at walking, but he just seemed to forget how small she was, and expected more from her than she could give, and then got cross with her. I still feel sad when I think of it.

Sorry, no practical advice but I really empathise!

@UnsolicitedDickPic yep we've had that sort of stuff too. Basically a general lack of understanding and tolerance for anything that goes against his plans, wishes or beliefs. It doesn't help that his family are exactly the same and they all sort of feed off each other's narrow mindedness.

There have been times when ds has been upset over it too, it breaks my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and there have been times that I have got it wrong. But knowing how abusive my ex was to me I guess I just never want ds to experience that.

@RedCandyApple

She didn’t mention he was abusive that only came out in further posts so I won’t comment on that, the op implied it was different parenting styles and he was stricter than her, I’m not going to comment on the drip feed as it usually happens when people don’t get the answers they wanted. Op has taken her child abroad so his father should be able to as well they split a long time ago now when the child was a baby who is now 10 so no reason why he can’t take him abroad if op refuses then he will probably do the same when she wants to take him away

Who pissed in your porridge this morning? Jesus wept. If you're going to slate the poster, at least read the OP first!

Op, ignore posters like this - she's quite obviously projecting. Or just being a total disingenuous witch.

I don't blame you for being nervous, I'd bet that you would be even if ex was super dad of the century. It's a normal motherly instinct.

As PPs have said, teach him some basic safety regarding as many situations you can think of (but don't scare him), maybe get him a cheap phone so that he can contact you/give ex money towards phone bill so that you can stay in touch...

I expect as it gets closer to time DS will start feeling a little anxious, try not to let your anxiety rub off on him - keep it upbeat, even if you're crying inside.

Also, whilst he's away, make as most of that child free time as you can. Maybe book 1/2 days off work, do something for you, have a lovely, long lie-in, just be you for a little bit - instead of DSs mum.

I'm sure he'll be absolutely fine and will have a fab time, although that's no help to you at the moment. It'll all be fine

He might not agree with your parenting style. Your DS will have a great time and will make lots of memories. He will be happy to see you when he is back!

@callycustard I would feel exactly the same. I appreciate some PPs may not understand if they've not been in a similar position - on the face of it, it would be a simple thing to send your DS off on a holiday with their Dad if the adult in that scenario behaved in a proportionate, reasonable way when things cropped up.

I really think the best you can do is help DS work through whatever happens when he comes back. It's horrible though, isn't it?

OP I understand exactly how you feel

Ignore the snarky pps

My ex is similar. There’s a step between “perfectly good parent with different style” and “abusive, ss should be involved and they shouldn’t have contact”. A step where you want them to have a relationship- and you’re aware courts very much favour Dads’ involvement- but can’t help being concerned. It’s that “not really a very good parent” zone where my ex falls too- ds8 does complain he shouts all, and dd13 has had a rocky relationship, but it’s not “they can’t go there” territory.

It’s natural to worry. It’s good Ds has a phone and your exh’s partner is there. I agree with those who say you need plenty of distraction.

“He may not agree with your parenting style” is a deliberately obtuse, faux wide-eyed, bitchy reply

Thank you so much for understanding.

It's a very difficult thing having to negotiate with someone like this over the most precious thing in your life. Over the years I have learned to pick my battles but I feel like I am letting my son down sometimes by not fighting his corner more. I take my lead from him and while he is still happy to be with his dad I would never stand in the way of contact. But things like this are very hard.

The 'not a very good parent' but not bad enough to stop contact thing is a very good description. My ex wouldn't agree though, in his mind everything he does is right therefore he's a great parent.

@callycustard your situation sound so much like mine!

It is really difficult having to deal with someone like this at all, never mind over, as you say, the most precious thing in your life.

Yes, mine thinks everything he does is right too! But I have ds really not wanting to go there, and dd saying to me “the only way it’s ok being there is to be older and not really need him for anything”.

@callycustard, I completely get it. My ex husband is exactly like this - it's so hard to wave your child off with someone who acts like a giant toddler if anyone deviates from his script for how things could be. It's not nearly so black and white as abusive = no contact when the abuser is a sneaky covert fucker and society paints it as 'different parenting styles'. It isn't.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing that sounds really hard. I suppose at least the two of them can look out for each other. I would struggle more if ds said he didn't want to go, but he seems happy to mostly. Even if they don't want to go, what can you do?

It doesn't help that I'm pregnant and due to have baby around the time ds is away. I'm going to be so worried at an already anxious time.

I just keep thinking of all the worst case scenarios. Ex kicking off, ds having some sort of accident, covid issues meaning they get stuck there. It's horrible and I really wish he didn't have to go. But I'm having to smile and nod.

Can completely understand how you feel. It’s not easy but as your son is old enough to message you hopefully that will help put your mind at rest.

OP says in opening paragraph she wouldn’t stop him going just wanted tips for managing the anxiety of him going etc. Posters then have a pop at her saying she shouldn’t stop him going, trying to change the narrative so they can have a go, clearly bored on a Sunday evening but it’s what makes mumsnet an unpleasant place to be sometimes. Just quit

It’s perfectly natural and normal to be apprehensive in such a situation. The question is - how to deal with the anxiety?
Well phone calls texts etc from DS of course - schedule a good night call maybe? And keep yourself busy. Try to book in some treats for yourself and try to make it a positive experience! If you suffer from anxiety regularly it may be worth having a couple of therapy sessions booked in whilst he is away - an emotional safety net if you like. Is your current partner supportive - have you discussed your anxieties with them? Or have you bottled it all up ?

My dh is very supportive and understanding. He is worried about me worrying iyswim because I'll be so close to my due date at that time. He's great but he doesn't fully 'get' the way I'm feeling. I'm not sure anyone but a mum can really.

I will be busy, not in the sense of weekends away or pub trips but preparing for our new arrival. But it all just feels very hard. Ex and his wife will let ds ring me. I just feel so uneasy about it all.

You've said that your ex's behaviour with your child is different to how your ex is/was with you.

You were incompatible. You split up.
That doesn't mean that he'll treat your son like he treated you. Your son is his son.
He'll be fine.
Just make sure that your son can contact you .

My dad was a bit like your ex OP. We didn’t see him much but every couple of years he would take us on a big vacation abroad. He sometimes lost his temper and shouted at us. We didn’t like it. But we didn’t break. And we got a lot out of those vacations and, I suppose, out of experiencing a different style of parenting.

Once I was older I learnt how put boundaries in place with my dad. And, because of my experience of him and the contrast with how my mother parented, I think especially because it was separate parenting, I realised he didn’t have to be the way he was. And that not everyone would be like that. I have very successfully avoided men like my father in my social life. I see them in work situations and can handle them reasonably well.

What I’m trying to say is - even if your ex fails to keep his temper, even if your DS dislikes aspects of the holiday, it’s very unlikely to be a net negative experience. Unless your DS is coming home from his regular time with your ex traumatized, he is likely to get a lot out of the holiday. Some of which he won’t be able to get just from you (even if it’s your stability and understanding that makes it possible for him to gain positives from the negative IYSWIM).

Thanks @NumberTheory that's another way of looking at it I suppose.

I think the general dangers of going abroad are playing on my mind too but logically I know that accidents and illness can happen anywhere. It's just the fact that ds will be so far away from me and I'll be in a vulnerable position myself due to giving birth at any point around that time.

I know I have to suck it up and get my feelings in check, it's just really hard.

@NumberTheory Thanks for sharing your experience - a psychologist friend of mine said something very similar when I was having a mild meltdown about ex's parenting. She said so long as there is love and continuity from one parent then it works as a mitigating factor against the other, less reliable parent.

@callycustard So exciting about your pregnancy! Can you pivot your focus on getting things ready for DS when he returns from the holiday (and for you, of course!). Batch cooking, getting his room tidy for him? Basically what PPs have said, keeping yourself busy but with a focus on DS and the new baby?