Ex taking ds abroad

[callycustard]

Not really an AIBU but more of a how would you deal with this.

Ex and I share ds10. We split when he was a baby. Over the years both remarried with other kids. Overall we get on well but my ex was and still is very volatile, flies off the handle, likes his own way and will kick off if he doesn't get it. His parenting style is quite different to mine, he doesn't have a lot of patience and he can be (I feel) overly harsh on ds for doing just typical kid stuff. But he's always been consistent with contact and ds does love him although I think he behaves slightly differently with him than he does with me. Almost like hes a bit worried about putting a foot wrong.

Ex is due to be taking ds abroad this summer and it's playing on my mind. He's never done this before. Along with the usual going abroad worries (covid, accidents, getting lost, swimming dangers) I am concerned how ex will actually cope with ds for that length of time (10 days) and of course I will really miss him.

I know I can't stop him going. It's not an unreasonable request for ex to want to do this. But how do I stop worrying and obsessing over it? This is one area of Co parenting that I am really struggling with :-(

OP I can understand where you're coming from
I'd probably feel the same.

My childrens dad has different parenting styles and while it really does bother me, I keep my mouth shut. I'm dreading when he decides he wants to take them on holiday to be honest

FWIW I don't think you're being bitchy, no need to defend yourself

It's difficult because you have your son 80% of the time and won't be in control when he's abroad
You're totally fair to feel this way, you've raised your son

Good points about the contact through ds phone, just keep the communication going. I'm sure he will have a good time and if he doesn't, he doesn't have to go again

OP has clearly stated that the father is abusive, what aren't you getting?
Would you want your child to be looked after by a volatile person in another country?

@dworky

OP has clearly stated that the father is abusive, what aren't you getting? Would you want your child to be looked after by a volatile person in another country?

She didn't mention any kind of abusive behaviour in her OP, though, and most people will be responding to that, not her subsequent posts.

Why does it matter what country they in? If he’s abusive then he will be abusive anywhere if op thinks he is abusing her son she should stop contact that’s the point ..but she did say she doesn’t believe he is abusing her son

Is your son happy to go or does he have worries? If he is happy to go I know it is hard, believe me as the mother who sobbed her heart out with all four of mine when they started uni and to you with a ten year old that probably seems mad. I think it is meant to be hard, we are supposed to love them and care for them and worry about them. Don't feel bad about it, plan some stuff to distract you and look forward to getting him back.

I'd say it gets easier but honestly I'm not sure it does, we just get used to it.

@RedCandyApple

Why does it matter what country they in? If he’s abusive then he will be abusive anywhere if op thinks he is abusing her son she should stop contact that’s the point ..but she did say she doesn’t believe he is abusing her son

Stop court authorised contact, just so simple! 🙄

FFS. Can the two posters derailing with agenda please stop, so posters with experience of this can help. I understood perfectly what the OP is looking for so I’m not sure why you two are struggling.

@RedCandyApple

She didn’t mention he was abusive that only came out in further posts so I won’t comment on that, the op implied it was different parenting styles and he was stricter than her, I’m not going to comment on the drip feed as it usually happens when people don’t get the answers they wanted. Op has taken her child abroad so his father should be able to as well they split a long time ago now when the child was a baby who is now 10 so no reason why he can’t take him abroad if op refuses then he will probably do the same when she wants to take him away

Do you have comprehension issues, she never said that she was going to stop him, she said it be OP, you know the only one you're reading apparently, that it's a perfectly reasonable request from the ex but she's struggling!

Empathy bypass or what!

The bitchy comments about him not agreeing with my parenting style are really pointless and unhelpful. I do 80% of all the care for our son. I don't shout and intimidate when he does something wrong. And when we go abroad I am always extra vigilant. I'm not saying his dad is unfit to look after him, I'm saying it isn't nice having to basically relinquish your control as a mum for 10 days and wave your kid off to a foreign country with someone who has form for acting like an idiot.

OP many MNetters just pretend they'd be totes fine with it or they'll never be in the position to have to do it so don't understand or they just always like to find fault with the OP. In reality most people would be worried about it and wish it wasn't happening. I know I would be, I am in a similar situation. I can't give you much advice but what I do with my own children is talk them through what they'd do if anything went wrong while they're away from me. So for example I make sure they've got the right dialling codes in their phone etc. I look up the place they're staying and find out as much I can about it's layout, what's there, where the police are etc so that if anything were to go wrong they'd know how to contact me and where to go for help.

I'm positive it will be fine for your ds and for you and you'll wonder what you were so worried about at the end because he will have had the time of his life. Remember people are much more relaxed on holiday so perhaps ex won't be quite so uptight? Also there'll be another adult there which I would find very reassuring. Hope it all works out x

She’s not once said it was court ordered point is be already has unsupervised contact with the child so if he was being Abusive he could do that anywhere and op has already said she doesn’t believe he is abusive to there son, I do suspect the op was hoping people would
Post telling her to just not let him go but be prepared for him to do the same when she wants to go on holiday or be prepared to be taken to court for more access and to authorise the holiday.

@RedCandyApple

She’s not once said it was court ordered point is be already has unsupervised contact with the child so if he was being Abusive he could do that anywhere and op has already said she doesn’t believe he is abusive to there son, I do suspect the op was hoping people would Post telling her to just not let him go but be prepared for him to do the same when she wants to go on holiday or be prepared to be taken to court for more access and to authorise the holiday.

Please leave the thread you're really showing yourself up! It's quite embarrassing. You're coming across as very very unpleasant.

She also never said she was going to stop him, but you apparently read that into her posts.

@RedCandyApple

She’s not once said it was court ordered point is be already has unsupervised contact with the child so if he was being Abusive he could do that anywhere and op has already said she doesn’t believe he is abusive to there son, I do suspect the op was hoping people would Post telling her to just not let him go but be prepared for him to do the same when she wants to go on holiday or be prepared to be taken to court for more access and to authorise the holiday.

You can read, right? Because your posts are suggesting otherwise.

You’re embarrassing yourself. Just leave the thread.

@RedCandyApple other threads to pile onto OP can be found this way 👉

I think the opening post was patently clear when describing her ex as volatile, quick to temper and flying off the handle. The mention of abuse isn't really a drip feed.

OP, I think @VerveClique has an excellent post with some things to help your DS cope. Really hope your son does have a wonderful time and hopefully your ex's new wife will be the calming influence he needs.

@RedCandyApple what is your agenda here? I've repeatedly said I won't stand in the way of him going. So are you just trying to convince me that my feelings aren't valid?

Even if my ex was a wonderful, responsible, amazing man and father, I would still have the right to feel worried and sad about my son going to another country without me. I was just asking for some practical and emotional tips to get through it and thankfully most posters have been really kind.

You clearly either have no empathy or no understanding of what it's like to be in this situation.

No you are right I could only dream of my ex actually wanting to take our kids on holiday. I think it’s great his dad wants to take him on holiday, yes it will be hard for you but you have to let him go, he’s 10 not a toddler he will be fine.

@RedCandyApple

No you are right I could only dream of my ex actually wanting to take our kids on holiday. I think it’s great his dad wants to take him on holiday, yes it will be hard for you but you have to let him go, he’s 10 not a toddler he will be fine.

Again OP never said she was going to stop it!

You've clearly got massive issues with your ex, having read your previous posts! Move away from this thread and let people that have been in the situation OP is in answer. You've no experience, so you don't understand. Having said that I've now separated from my DH, but although no experience, I've got empathy.

*not instead of now

@RedCandyApple

First time for everything and he may disagree with your parenting style

This. My husband and I, still happily married after 26 years have and had different views on parenting, kids grown up now, but we often disagreed on parenting , so we discussed any disagreements and moved forward, it's called communication and really not difficult.

Same should be done here. Personally I think the lad will be fine, he's 10 and will be with his father and family

Wow. Its like people just want to have a go at another mum!!

She said he is going. She said she won't stop him.

She's just bloody worried about how her grumpy and short tempered ex will cope with their son for 10 days straight in a foreign country!!

Which is very reasonable.

Have some empathy and actually read what is being said.

She is happy to let son go. She's just worried the dad will find it hard and so she wants advice on how to calm her nerves.

Fuck. Have none of you ever been nervous before?!!

And @Whammyyammy

Communication is very difficult with someone who shuts down everything you say and disagrees with your input, even if your asking them not to berate your child. That can still wind them up and make them stop Communication!

@Woofwoofbarkbark

Wow. Its like people just want to have a go at another mum!!

She said he is going. She said she won't stop him.

She's just bloody worried about how her grumpy and short tempered ex will cope with their son for 10 days straight in a foreign country!!

Which is very reasonable.

Have some empathy and actually read what is being said.

She is happy to let son go. She's just worried the dad will find it hard and so she wants advice on how to calm her nerves.

Fuck. Have none of you ever been nervous before?!!

This exactly! Mine went to cub camp, first time was the longest week of my life. They might not cook their sausages like they like them, they might get scared at night, they might fall out with a friend, they might not drink enough water.... yes I was ridiculous, but at the time I was worried.

They of course had the bloody best time ever, not half as fussy about food when not at home.

It's natural to be worried OP.

I think it’s a given that your DS will go with his dad so perhaps work on things that will help you during the 10 days he’s away.
Check the accommodation he’ll have —- is it a villa / apartment or hotel room/s? If he’s in his own hotel room or sharing with sb what are safety precautions?
Make sure your son has a wallet that has in it his name, your name, your contact details. Teach him what to do if he should get separated from dad.
Things like swimming, instil in him not to be alone in pool if it’s a villa.
Just other safety things that are concerning you. Not to scare your son, just some basic safety rules.
Make sure your son has medical insurance cover for the holiday.
I think once you put a few things in place you’ll feel more positive.

@callycustard I 100% understand this completely. My ex is very short-tempered and has been abusive towards me in the past. He is very different with our DD but he is nevertheless a shouter, prone to distraction and simply doesn't attend to DDs needs as effectively as I do - that's also down to the fact I'm with her the vast majority of the time and assess her needs differently to the way he does. He would forget to give her lunch, for example, then get cross when she was acting up because she was hungry.

I think some of the skills mentioned by a PP are useful - and have the money put aside in case he wants to come home.

@Whammyyammy it actually is quite difficult when you're dealing with someone like my ex who is convinced that he is 100% right 100% of the time and doesn't want to engage or even entertain anyone else's point of view.

If my ten year old son plays up and ex loses his rag then it's my sons fault, even if ds has done something fairly normal and inoffensive. Never my exs fault because he can't regulate his temper and emotions. He would rather blame a child than evaluate his own behaviour in any way. I can't argue with that sort of logic.

OP is not trying to stop him from going ffs, can some of you not read?

I understand OP, I have an 8 year old and I'd hate it if my ex husband wanted to take him abroad for 10 days (I would NOT refuse it, I'd just worry). I'm the RP and DS is with me most of the time.