Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inflexible friend

55 replies

bagpuss90 · 22/01/2022 08:44

I’ve always gone to my friends house on Fridays for a glass or two of wine. She doesn’t like going out so won’t come to mine or to the pub. I also go to a dance class on a Thursday . Been going for four years (obviously breaks during the lockdowns)and I absolutely love it. The organisers have been told they can no longer have the venue and have had to find an alternative venue which is on a Friday . I so don’t want to stop going . We have a dance weekend booked for later this year which I’m really looking forward to. I’m also working towards medals which will give me a sense of achievement. I might add I’ve lacked confidence over the years. It’s also great exercise and I’ve made lots of friends. I’ve spoken to my friend and asked if she would mind if we did a Thursday or a Sunday evening instead or perhaps a weekend lunchtime. She’s basically said she can’t believe I’d put a hobby before a friendship and that she thinks I should give up the class . I might add she does nothing on the other days/evenings I’ve suggested. I’m not going to give it up and there’s no alternative class locally that runs on another night. I think she’s been bloody unreasonable but I’m interested to hear your thoughts .

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 22/01/2022 08:50

She is being massively unreasonable!

Unless there is a drip feed and she's agoraphobic, living on her own with no legs, in which case you might have softened the message.

4pmwinetimebebeh · 22/01/2022 08:50

YANBU she’s digging her heels in. Could you do Saturday night instead?

bagpuss90 · 22/01/2022 08:54

None of those and I was very nice about it

OP posts:
bagpuss90 · 22/01/2022 08:54

No she has to get up early to go to church

OP posts:
PandoraP · 22/01/2022 08:56

Don’t give up your dance class for selfish friend.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 22/01/2022 08:58

Give her a choice - either move it to Thursday or maybe compromise (if you want to), one Friday a month with your friend, three Fridays at class?

Sparticuscaticus · 22/01/2022 08:58

Yanbu
I think your friend is being unreasonably inflexible.
It is just a meet up and you've offered to do it another night when she's free. You don't owe your friend this evening and she has no right to expect you give up your dancing.

She's being very selfish and rude saying that you are putting a hobby above her and that your hobby doesn't matter. It does to you and a good friend would want to support that.

My reply would be "I'm sad that you think that way. Dancing is important to me, it makes me happy and the class has been moved to a Friday. It means I'm no longer free on Fridays but I am offering to see you another night for our lovely weekly catch ups.

I don't understand as a friend- why you wouldn't want to support me in a cherished activity that is important to me and I've been working hard at all these years, instead of responding 'Don't worry, another night is fine'

I'm not choosing between dancing and you, I'm simply saying let's change our catch up evenings going forward to one that suits us both . Please don't give me an unnecessary ultimatum. Which of the alternative evenings I've suggested suit you best? There has to be a degree of flexibility in life and friendship."

RockAndHardPlace1 · 22/01/2022 08:59

YANBU. Maybe just meet up as and when you can in future don't go out of your way to make the effort if that's how she acts especially if there's no reason why she can't do another night. She's being selfish.

Sparticuscaticus · 22/01/2022 09:00

Or maybe much shorter text response than that!! I bet another PP will come up with a better reply Smile

HollowTalk · 22/01/2022 09:02

So she can leave the house to go to church but can't go out otherwise?

bagpuss90 · 22/01/2022 09:02

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers
I have to pay in advance

OP posts:
Sparticuscaticus · 22/01/2022 09:03

Actually it this was my friend , given were quite open and honest with each other I'd simply text back
" Don't be daft, of course I'm not choosing dancing over you. I just can't do Fridays anymore as it clashes with my weekly dance class as they had to move venues.
Which of the evenings I've suggested is better for you so we can carry on our lovely catch ups?"

Lunificent · 22/01/2022 09:03

On the off chance your friend is autistic, she might need gentle introductions to changes and time to process the change in her arrangements.
That said, obviously you shouldn’t cancel your class for her. It may be you lose this friendship but it would be crazy to lose everything this class has given you for a home visit every week with this entitled person.

Flingingmelon · 22/01/2022 09:06

Is give her a few options, let her know you're going with the dance class, keep up the friendly contact and wait for her to come round.

I'm sure she will. That level of unreasonableness must have something behind it.

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2022 09:06

“I’m sorry you feel that way, DF. I love hanging out with you every week, I just want to do it a different day because my dance class has moved. I’m not putting my hobby above our friendship at all- I’m hurt you’ve suggested that.”

Cattitudes · 22/01/2022 09:06

Can you go after the dance class? Just say that's a shame I will have to come to you after dancing?

froggybiby · 22/01/2022 09:06

@Sparticuscaticus

Or maybe much shorter text response than that!! I bet another PP will come up with a better reply Smile
I like this. You ANBU ..I am sure dancing 💃 helps your mental health too & she is not very nice to give you this kind of ultimatum.
bagpuss90 · 22/01/2022 09:07

HollowTalk
She just doesn’t like going out especially in the cold and rain. She’s definitely not agoraphobic tho

OP posts:
Lunificent · 22/01/2022 09:08

I like Sparticuscaticus’s text reply.

mogsrus · 22/01/2022 09:08

So she wants your life to totally revolve around her without exception! No I don’t think so, 2 individuals with one dominant, nope

bagpuss90 · 22/01/2022 09:08

Cattitudes
I’d be happy to but it wouldn’t be til about 9 40 which I know is a bit late

OP posts:
Momicrone · 22/01/2022 09:09

Your mental snd physical health is important too, tell her 'During the pandemic, things like dance have become very important to me'

Lunificent · 22/01/2022 09:09

Nosquirrels reply is good too.

MzHz · 22/01/2022 09:10

@bagpuss90

No she has to get up early to go to church
“I can’t believe you’d put going to church above our friendship…”

😉

moirarosebabay · 22/01/2022 09:13

You are not being unreasonable at all. I hate having to justify the stuff I do to keep my mental health ok especially when there are so many people suffering from poor mental health at the moment. I do a lot of exercise and one of my friends is quite scathing about it and I find myself increasingly recoiling from her. Do you enjoy her company?