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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inflexible friend

55 replies

bagpuss90 · 22/01/2022 08:44

I’ve always gone to my friends house on Fridays for a glass or two of wine. She doesn’t like going out so won’t come to mine or to the pub. I also go to a dance class on a Thursday . Been going for four years (obviously breaks during the lockdowns)and I absolutely love it. The organisers have been told they can no longer have the venue and have had to find an alternative venue which is on a Friday . I so don’t want to stop going . We have a dance weekend booked for later this year which I’m really looking forward to. I’m also working towards medals which will give me a sense of achievement. I might add I’ve lacked confidence over the years. It’s also great exercise and I’ve made lots of friends. I’ve spoken to my friend and asked if she would mind if we did a Thursday or a Sunday evening instead or perhaps a weekend lunchtime. She’s basically said she can’t believe I’d put a hobby before a friendship and that she thinks I should give up the class . I might add she does nothing on the other days/evenings I’ve suggested. I’m not going to give it up and there’s no alternative class locally that runs on another night. I think she’s been bloody unreasonable but I’m interested to hear your thoughts .

OP posts:
Lunificent · 22/01/2022 09:15

@mogsrus

So she wants your life to totally revolve around her without exception! No I don’t think so, 2 individuals with one dominant, nope
Yes, she’s annoyed because she’s set her life exactly as she wants/feels she needs it and can’t believe that something that orbits around her sphere had the audacity to mess it up.
AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 22/01/2022 09:17

She is needy, controlling and overbearing. I'd be put off continuing a friendship full stop after a reaction like this.

Lindaloo08 · 22/01/2022 09:20

If she's a good friend she knows how much the class means to you. Stay with your class, YANBU and if she won't change the night leave her to it.

Stick with what makes you really happy and let the non flexible friend that lets you do all the running change a bit

Tmwtgg · 22/01/2022 09:26

I'm not putting my hobby before a friendship - I am asking for a reasonable degree of flexibility, bearing in mind I am the one that always comes to you because you don't like going out. It'll be a shame if you don't want to keep meeting up, but the offer of Thursday is there if you want it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2022 09:34

You know you aren’t being unreasonable! It sounds like she has some mental health issues, but that is no excuse for her to manipulative you.

I’d just say - Really sorry about the date change. I’m really looking forward to seeing you next week. Shall we say Thursday? (Or if you’d prefer ,X day that suits you both, let me know. Otherwise see you Thursday!

Then I’d just turn up, and crack on.

NewtoHolland · 22/01/2022 09:36

I think this response is the best one..
honest with each other I'd simply text back
" Don't be daft, of course I'm not choosing dancing over you. I just can't do Fridays anymore as it clashes with my weekly dance class as they had to move venues.
Which of the evenings I've suggested is better for you so we can carry on our lovely catch ups?"

MumW · 22/01/2022 09:38

Ask her how she'd feel if you told her the only time you can meet with her is Sunday morning and that you thought your friendship should take priority over that.

TillyTopper · 22/01/2022 09:51

She is so inflexible she is being ridiculous. I'd keep going to the dance class as you love it so much and it has other benefits (exercise, mental house, friends) and say that you can meet at another time if she likes.

Ikeptgoing · 22/01/2022 09:53

@NewtoHolland

I think this response is the best one.. honest with each other I'd simply text back " Don't be daft, of course I'm not choosing dancing over you. I just can't do Fridays anymore as it clashes with my weekly dance class as they had to move venues. Which of the evenings I've suggested is better for you so we can carry on our lovely catch ups?"
This ^^

I wouldn't get pulled into any debate, it's ridiculous and unnecessary, just repeat that you would love to carry on weekly get togethers and which different evening suits if she also also wants to carry it on

dworky · 22/01/2022 10:15

This person is not your friend & is propably incapable of being a friend to anyone.

Mojoj · 22/01/2022 10:23

Why is she your friend? She sounds very odd indeed.

fargo123 · 22/01/2022 10:32

@bagpuss90

HollowTalk She just doesn’t like going out especially in the cold and rain. She’s definitely not agoraphobic tho
But she doesn't mind YOU going out in the cold and rain. For that reason alone I wouldn't want to be her friend. All things being equal, you'd alternate going to each other's house, but she's too selfish to consider / do that it seems.

If you want to continue this unequal friendship, then one of the previous messages suggested here sound good.

billy1966 · 22/01/2022 10:35

Completely unreasonable of her.

Do NOT for a second consider giving up something so lovely, healthy and enjoyable.

I would text her that "I hope you can find another evening that works for you as I am no longer free on fridays".

Honestly OP, I would give someone so manipulative and controlling some space to think.

Do not give up dancing.
Flowers

JugglingJanuary · 22/01/2022 10:48

She's not much of a friend.

She doesn't want to go out in the cold & rain, but she thinks it's fine to have you do it?

She thinks you should give up something you love & does you good because she doesn't want to change nights?

She doesn't want to do Saturday because she's choosing to go to church the NEXT day???

She's very selfish.

It's not even as if you're choosing to swap dance nights, it's being changed, YOU have no choice in that.

How much do you do this because you really want to & how much because you feel obliged?

Would you enjoy Sunday brunch instead?

But definitely stick with your dance class it seems you get a lot out of it!

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 22/01/2022 10:56

I wouldn't begin to justify why you are going out on a Friday. Friendship is a choice, not an obligation. You let your friend know when you are free, she does the same, you compromise and find a time that suits you both.

Anyone demanding I go out in the wet and the rain every Friday evening would just not be my friend. You might want to sit in and watch telly! It should be a choice that she appreciates, not something that is demanded.

Just repeat you are no longer available on Fridays and when would she like to meet and ignore any emotional manipulation.

Consider if this person is a true friend if they don't support your hobbies and your wellbeing.

NorthernLighting · 22/01/2022 10:57

Ask her why she is putting church before your friendship. She can go out, but it’s easier if you make all the sacrifice. She doesn’t sound like a friend.

NorthernLighting · 22/01/2022 10:59

If she wants to see you it’s her turn to go out in the cold (where do you live, Antarctis?) for the next year or however long you have been going to her. Don’t be a doormat. And don’t stop dancing.

stayathomer · 22/01/2022 11:02

Yanbu but I wouldn't drink on a Thursday or sunday, just cos of work. She didn't need to make such a big deal of it though!

Whydoesthecatalwaysdothat · 22/01/2022 11:04

It sounds like dancing adds more to your life than your friend. I would prioritise that.

It will be her loss.

Aubriella · 22/01/2022 11:07

It’s possible that she is a bit envious that you do have the confidence to go to a dance class and this is her way of acting up.

I hope not, but whatever her thought process, it would be madness to give in to her.

WildfirePonie · 22/01/2022 11:16

I wouldn't bother with this friend. Leave her to it, tell her she can come to you in future, on an evening you choose.

Dreambigger · 22/01/2022 11:23

Yep agree with others.. she isn't a friend..time to move on 😕

toppkatz · 22/01/2022 11:33

So she thinks your friendship with her should come before your friendship with loads of other people and an activity you love, and you should give all that up just so you can be with her on an evening of her choosing?

That is remarkably selfish.

Foolsrule · 22/01/2022 11:44

She’s not a friend! What a nasty way to behave.

bagpuss90 · 23/01/2022 10:28

She is retired -so can really drink any night. I’m sticking to my guns

OP posts: