To want a synonym for "Did you mean to sound so rude?"

[TheLasrStraw]

That's what I need to say to a colleague but I think that makes me sound rude, and when they go low, I go high (as Michelle Obama says).

I've tried asking if they are OK and they were rude about that, and actually I don't care if a bully is ok or not.

So what do I say to acknowledge that they are repeatedly rude to me?

@tragocardboardcopper They do belittle me when I don't know what they are talking about. So if I continue to say I don't understand, they'll get even more annoyed with me...what do I do then?

This is a colleague?

Report to his/her supervisor.

You need to say it straight. Did you mean to be so rude? Is condescending and clichéd, and will probably just get a 'I wasn't rude' in response.
Say ' I think it was rude of you to say x thing because of y reason'.

"Really?" With an upward inflection, (with one raised eyebrow if you can)

You could try 'what did you actually mean by that.

I agree with PP's about just saying it straight when it happens.

'You're being rude to me again'

Then wait and see what they say.

If they say 'no I'm not', just say 'Perhaps you don't recognise it but you are definitely saying things to make me feel uncomfortable and undermine me'.

Say it especially if there are other people around. Make them accountable for their behaviour.

I usually respond ‘oh wow, did you mean to say that out loud?’

[quote TheLasrStraw]@tragocardboardcopper They do belittle me when I don't know what they are talking about. So if I continue to say I don't understand, they'll get even more annoyed with me...what do I do then?[/quote]
Say 'please don't become irritated with me because your explanation isn't clear to me. Could you instead try another way of explaining? Or would be better if we spoke to Supervisor if you find it too difficult to communicate with me?'

One method I found worked for me because I am hopeless at confrontation and quick retorts. As part of my job I often get stopped by work mates and our client ( I am a contractor ) and asked for things / dates / holiday bookings/ prices etc and I was getting fed up of truing to remember everything so I carry around a small note book and pen .

On one occasion a known pain in the arse was walking towards me , I expected him to want a load of info from me so I got ready to start making notes , instead he stared complaining and using foul language ( par for the course with him )
So I just wrote it all down , I asked him to repeat a few things and made it very clear I was writing what he was saying . When he ran out of steam I asked if there was anything else he would like to raise , he came up with something very trivial and I wrote that down and asked him again if there was anything else.
He hummed and err'd a bit , so I then read it back to him nice and loud including the foul language , I asked if I had got everything correct, he looked a bit sheepish and said that it was correct but he didn't mean to swear so much , I smiled as sweetly as I could and holding the pad firmly ( I thought he may tear it up) I asked him to sign it and I would go to may supervisor with his questions .
I have never seen anyone back peddle so fast , It did not cure him of been a arse but at least he was a polite one after that !
Would that work for you @TheLasrStraw ?

@NewYearCalavicci you’re my new hero

I’m just following as I’m useless at quick comebacks

You could pretend to be distracted and then say "Sorry, can you just say that again?" If they've said something sarky they might not want to repeat it.

@LibrariesGiveUsPower , >> takes small unsteady bow

Blossomtoes why are you being such a bully. Is this thread bringing up memories??

Long stare followed by 'Aye, right',

I agree with silence, stare and eyebrow use.
Channel Karren Brady.

"What was your intention in saying that?"

"what the fuck did you say to me, bitch tits?"

... This is why I'm self employed.

Very good

Haven’t used “did you mean to be rude” on a work situation but, since discovering Mumsnet, I have used it with my mother a couple of times
. By text and on the phone as well as in person. Worked a treat every time! I say it calmly and firmly. It’s stopped her passive aggressive, shitty behaviour every time!

[quote TheLasrStraw]@tragocardboardcopper They do belittle me when I don't know what they are talking about. So if I continue to say I don't understand, they'll get even more annoyed with me...what do I do then?[/quote]
It's hard to advise without an example, if it's that you don't understand and they're just getting louder and louder saying the same thing, I've had some success with 'please stop shouting, I can hear you, the issue is i don't understand what you're saying'

Are you new / learning and they're supposed to be training you? Would something like 'can you stop there please, I'm afraid I don't know what a left handed flange nut is / I'm not familiar with the secondary watermelon hyperbole report could you explain that first so I can understand the issue/these details/whatever?'

If they're just aggressive and unpleasant generally then 'I don't appreciate being spoken to like that, it's not acceptable.'

[quote TheLasrStraw]@tragocardboardcopper They do belittle me when I don't know what they are talking about. So if I continue to say I don't understand, they'll get even more annoyed with me...what do I do then?[/quote]
Put the onus on them. ‘You’re not being very clear, can you try and explain that in a different way’

I'm old and grumpy. I say, mind your manners please, very firmly, with a very cross stare. I rarely have to mind you as i don't work with arseholes any more.

' I m sorry , could you break down that comment for me '.

I have worked with a couple of people like this and have had success with staring silently at them for a minute and then saying "I'm sorry, what?" In a calm but slightly chilly tone. That has caused them to rethink and back off.

Only once it didn't work and she kept at it so I said "right, ok" and just walked off, then reported her to our line manager.