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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want a synonym for "Did you mean to sound so rude?"

79 replies

TheLasrStraw · 21/01/2022 17:52

That's what I need to say to a colleague but I think that makes me sound rude, and when they go low, I go high (as Michelle Obama says).

I've tried asking if they are OK and they were rude about that, and actually I don't care if a bully is ok or not.

So what do I say to acknowledge that they are repeatedly rude to me?

OP posts:
ineedsun · 21/01/2022 18:22

‘Can I just check? It’s sounds like you’re saying. .’

GoldilocksZone · 21/01/2022 18:24

I'll let you rephrase that...

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 21/01/2022 18:25

Get a grip, @Blossomtoes Why on earth shouldn't she have a quick comeback at the ready for her mother when she's being rude? Why are trying to make her feel bad?

FFSjustLTB · 21/01/2022 18:31

Have another go and bear in mind you're at work, so be respectful this time.
Gosh, that's good.

TragoCardboardCopper · 21/01/2022 18:31

'I beg your pardon?!' With hard stare.

For something belittling, obviously inappropriate, or sexual harrasment 'I don't understand?, what do you mean?' just keep 'not understanding' until they either have to blatantly say something that has no room for being interpreted as 'banter' (urrgh) which you can then take to HR - bonus points for witnesses! Or they realise what you're doing and bugger off and don't bother you again.

MenaiMna · 21/01/2022 18:33

"I can't believe you just said that- you must be so embarrassed!!"

Blossomtoes · 21/01/2022 18:34

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy

Get a grip, *@Blossomtoes* Why on earth shouldn't she have a quick comeback at the ready for her mother when she's being rude? Why are trying to make her feel bad?
I’ve got a grip, thank you. I just think it’s a bit rich for someone so gifted in the passive aggression department to accuse someone else of it. It’s pretty pot/kettle.
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/01/2022 18:36

@Blossomtoes

I actually meant meet her and then you’ll see why I have had to use passive aggressive methods of response to her fairly abusive behaviour, because normal and direct responses only make her worse!

Caughtavibe · 21/01/2022 18:36

I saw something on TikTok the other night.

“What was your intention with that?”
I can’t wait to try it out Grin
vm.tiktok.com/ZMLdwyYxx/

Giraffesandbottoms · 21/01/2022 18:37

@Blossomtoes

Certainly nobody could accuse you of passive aggressive; you’re just aggressive!

coodawoodashooda · 21/01/2022 18:37

@DrSbaitso

"What did you say?"
This
GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 21/01/2022 18:38

I mean, personally I think "what do you mean" is a very sensible, non confrontational but assertive response when someone's being rude. Much classier than you leaping in with the ULTIMATELY passive aggressive "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" comment. But hey, you do you.

SomebodysMum · 21/01/2022 18:38

‘Why do you think it’s ok to talk to me like that?’

merryhouse · 21/01/2022 18:39

"love you too sweetie"

BringBackThinEyebrows · 21/01/2022 18:40

I would end the pleasantries and stop
asking if they're OK.

Keep conversation strictly work-related.

Alwaysconfuddled · 21/01/2022 18:40

I find a simple “hmm ok” or clarifying what they have just said really irks them or if you want to call it for that it is, comment that what they said was rather impertinent or brusque depending how they said it

WhiteJellycat · 21/01/2022 18:41

Ask them to explain. What do you mean by that? Mil.was repeatedly rude to me. Dh had got into debt and she told me "it wouldnt have happened if I wasnt the way I was". Do I asked- what do you mean by that? Please explain why? You said it so please enlighten me. She couldnt.

Basically there was no reason. She probably though I had brought him up right. He is her son. Dozy cow

HappyDays40 · 21/01/2022 18:42

Channel your inner Paddington. Hard state. No words.

Giraffesandbottoms · 21/01/2022 18:43

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy

Thank you!

TooManyPJs · 21/01/2022 18:46

Some of these suggestions are great. I am ND and rubbish in these situations so go totally and completely blank and usually just say nothing.

I am struggling though to see how this would work in practice. Some examples of what was says and how people responded would be really in testing. Some people are amazing at the come backs whatever you say and I just feel they would have some fast and quick comeback and I would just be left there silent and seething again!!!!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/01/2022 19:11

Silence is incredibly effective. A pithy response I like a slow and considered Fuck Off personally can get you into trouble or cause things to degenerate into a slanging match where you come out of it looking as bad as they do.

Nature abhors a vacuum - and so do some people who enjoy intimidating others or having power through barking at them like dogs. Silence isn't the expected reaction, it's tears or barking back.

[tirade of nonsense]

Silence,

Silence. Just looking at them.

[tirade peters out]

Silence. Just looking at them.

or

[Tone is being to feel a little charged]

Immediately becoming absolutely still and looking at them.

[Tone changes pretty sharpish because they've understood the body language of the 'what the fuck did you just say to me?' and you're clearly not just in control as you're calm and collected, you have silently told them that there is a totally unpredictable yet totally within your control response coming their way - all well and good]

[Tone continues in the same way]

Wait. No answer. No excuses, apologies, tears or shouting/being rude back.

Wait.

Wait.

They run out of filler to add to their noise.

'Okay'.

In my experience, the people who do that sort of thing often double down over email, at which point there's something to forward to HR whilst you remain completely immune to criticism as you haven't joined in with a slanging match or verbal punch up. And other people notice. They shout or are otherwise rude, you're the one who doesn't appear to react but remains in control.

It's not The Silent Treatment. There just isn't anything to be said that could improve the conversation rather than add fuel to the fire - and when somebody is confrontational/belligerent, they want more fuel because that's why they're doing it in the first place. I've dealt with bigger, scarier and ruder people than them and, frankly, as I'm not likely to be dangling two foot off the ground with somebody's hand around my throat anymore, they really aren't that significant in the great scheme of things.

I've experienced a few places where somebody initially mistook quiet for weakness. They've all learned not to do it again, whether it's been through a polite email to their line manager with accompanying email trail and a brief explanation that this followed a conversation in which they shouted/informed me that I was a xxxxx, somebody else reporting it or filing a formal grievance where they had to give me a public apology for their totally unacceptable behaviour. Which definitely hurt them far more than what they had said ever hurt me.

Envoitrevisage · 21/01/2022 19:24

“I’m hoping that the way that sounds is not how you intended it to.”

“How would you like me to react to that/ what would you like me to say to that?”

“What are you hoping to gain by saying that?”

kitkatsky · 21/01/2022 20:17

Pardon?

pollysshoe · 21/01/2022 20:26

"Can you say that again in another way?"

"It sounds like you're saying x. Is that what you mean?" Where x is something really blunt like you think I'm an idiot.

"Let's talk about this when you're able to speak civilly to me" and walk away.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 21/01/2022 20:30
  1. Stare hard at them and say nothing...then turn your back.

or

  1. "What?" with a stern stare...pause...turn your back.