To think my DH is being a bit pathetic (surgery recovery)

[Snecco]

NC for this

My DH had haemorrhoid surgery on Monday and has since spent all day every day sitting in the dark with a duvet watching films. If I happened to pass him he just gives me sad face and mumbles and returns to his lair. Now I get he’s in a lot of pain, I really do, in fact I had this myself after the birth of my last baby with a very large tear stitched up. I get it and it’s bloody awful. But am I BU to think he’s being a being of a flannel?? I mean, I don’t see how having the curtains closed is going to help his pain.

I’ve tried helping in lots of practical ways, giving him ice packs, stuff for the bath, bringing drinks, trying to help him manage his expectations given that he’s refusing to take anything stronger than paracetamol. If he makes himself drinks /food (I do offer, he says no then makes it when I’m out!) he leaves all the mess and plates everywhere and our living room where he is camping out looks like a student dump. We have a 2 year old and 6 month old baby and he’s barley even seen them at all since he was discharged. Im doing absolutely everything. I definitely didn’t get to do this when I’d given birth/had a section or any other surgeries.

I’m finding myself getting the rage - am I a cruel and awful wife or is he BU?

Have you reminded him that you didnt behave like this after you had very similar recovery and pain?
And asked him to please return to the living and to family life without all the drama? Or at least move out of the living room so the rest of you can get on with things.

Is he wearing a dressing gown and doing the sick man slipper shuffle too?

Sounds like he’s really putting it on for the sympathy

I would be going in, opening the curtains and telling him his sulkfest is now over and to get his shit cleared up.

I haven’t said much too him so far and trying not to be overtly unsympathetic but the more I get pissed off at him the more I feel like if he gives me the sad dog face once more if I ask him to do the tiniest thing I’m going to slap him

@Soubriquet no dressing gown but comfy clothes - which I get and is perfectly reasonable. The duvet and darkness not so much.

@Itsalmostanaccessory I’m sure I moaned and wasn’t the best fun but I took all the drugs I could get my hands on and got on with it as much as I could. I was pottering about walking to the park (very slowly) etc after a day.

Oh that would drive me mad ! Yes open curtains and make a cup of tea. Then announce that you are leaving for the supermarket (ALONE) shortly and does he need anything while you are out and then breezily assume he will be OK to manage kids .... byeeeeee

I’m not sure how painful haemorrhoid surgery is, my sister had it done and was dreading it but then said that post op pain was no where near as bad as original haemorrhoid pain.
I would be suggesting that he is checked out by GP if the pain is still bad. Rule of thumb is if you aren’t given surgical compression socks and told to wear for at least 2 weeks then they don’t expect you to be in so much discomfort that you need to be in bed.
Just as an example I had lumpectomy recently and I had a drain for 5days. I had to wear stockings for two weeks since the drain was likely to stop me being very mobile.
No stockings - he should be mobile otherwise there is a risk of DVT.
Little bit of ammunition for you😉

Good job you had the dc op. Or your pfb would be an only dc!!
What a wuss.

I'd gove him 3 days of sympathy and then tell him to get up and crack on as I had two babies to take care of and didn't sign up to a 3rd. His bum is sore, doesn't affect his hands so he could do washing up and basic chores. I appreciate bending over might be sore and he might want to sit on a cushion for a while but he hasn't had major surgery so needs to get up and get on. I didn't behave like that after my sections either, I didn't push myself but still took care of my own baby and other children.

Goodness, his surgery is really dangerous and could cause death...

By wife if he doesn't put on his big boy pants and suck it up. YANBU OP and I'm not sure how you've tolerated it to this point.

It’s the fact he’s refusing painkillers and moping about whilst you’re there, but getting up to make his own food when you aren’t, that’s bugging me.

He clearly can’t be in that much pain if he can manage when you aren’t there

Exactly @Soubriquet

I just suggested he goes for a short walk to get some fresh air, he can’t possibly, it hurts to walk - erm yes, it will?! Then I got “I’m dealing with things in my own way, you’re not being very helpful” 🙄

My friend had this surgery and was in agony for a couple of weeks afterwards. She was really quite poorly and needed friends to help her out a lot as she loved by herself.

I think I’d cut him a bit of slack with this but want to see him show some willing to help his own recovery.

How have you not read him the riot act yet op? You've got more tolerance than me that's for sure I'd be having no more of that

How did he behave towards you when you had the same operation?

Is he doing the Wobbly Voice Of Doom as well?

@Soubriquet

Is he wearing a dressing gown and doing the sick man slipper shuffle too?

Sounds like he’s really putting it on for the sympathy

Can you arrange for someone involved in whatever he really likes doing to call, suggesting something for next week?

Listen in, and if the sad voice disappears and he seems keen you've got your answer ... and if they get the same reaction at least you know your sympathy's not being wasted

@Angrymum22

I’m not sure how painful haemorrhoid surgery is, my sister had it done and was dreading it but then said that post op pain was no where near as bad as original haemorrhoid pain. I would be suggesting that he is checked out by GP if the pain is still bad. Rule of thumb is if you aren’t given surgical compression socks and told to wear for at least 2 weeks then they don’t expect you to be in so much discomfort that you need to be in bed. Just as an example I had lumpectomy recently and I had a drain for 5days. I had to wear stockings for two weeks since the drain was likely to stop me being very mobile. No stockings - he should be mobile otherwise there is a risk of DVT. Little bit of ammunition for you😉

That's not always the case - I had 5hrs of emergency spinal surgery and was in a lot of pain after but no stockings! Effectively I slept for 3 weeks I think because my body was recovering from the anaesthetic too

Although yes he is being a bit wimpy

YANBU. I’ve had several major surgeries, have moderate to severe chronic fatigue and I didn’t act like this. If I had the energy I did something, if not I rested. It sounds as if your dh has regressed to childhood and thinks he should do nothing.

Do you have the name of his consultant? Could you possibly contact the secretary of the consultant and ask their advice? Think along the lines of you don't think he's doing well after the surgery (curtains closed/not being active etc. ), how long should it take for him to be back up and mobile again as you're concerned about blood clots etc.

I'd have no qualms about making such a phone call in the hallway and speak distinctly so that your DH can hear what you're saying.

I'd have given him 36 hours after an operation like that before he would be expected to start being mobile again. Not for hours at a time but at least be mobile and not moping around.

Nobody likes or appreciates a bad patient. As for not taking any pain relief the only person he's hurting by doing that is himself.

This is a very interesting thread for me as last week I had the EXACT SAME scenario expect I had had the haemorrhoid surgery and my DH was pissing me off because he was whingeing about his tooth ache while I was in pain and trying (and failing) to rest.

I didn’t get told by posters that I was a wuss, I didn’t get told to do some washing up, that it was my ‘bum not my hands’, I didn’t get called a third child and I didn’t get accused of putting it on for sympathy.

I was told to LTB, numerous times though, and that he’s a nasty piece of work for impeding my recovery. I mentioned I brought a grocery delivery in and got told to go to bed and stay there, refuse to do anything, the surgery is really painful and i needed the rest and to insist to my DH that he spends the next 2 weeks doing everything while I rest. Which I didn’t disagree with, I was mostly pissed off that out of the 2 of us I was the one expected to power through.

FWIW the surgery IS painful, and coupled with being on laxatives, which give horrible stomach cramps and nausea, I have in fact spent the last week or so in bed in the dark watching TV. It does hurt to walk as well and I also wouldn’t take anything stronger than paracetamol because paracetamol is what I was prescribed.

I think people also don’t realise the value of rest. I have said this a couple of times this week - I probably appear to be ok and not in agony whilst lying in bed is because I HAVE rested well. The day DH had toothache and I did things like bring the shopping in and clean the kitchen, I felt horrendous the next day. If you feel good after resting it doesn’t mean you’re better, it means resting is contributing to proper recovery. I certainly wouldn’t be impressed if he was manipulative and pretended to organise something to ‘trick’ me into going, or making passive aggressive phone calls in the hall to my doctor. Could you imagine - that’s fucking abusive!

I hate to say it but MN goes too hard on the ‘bastard DH’ sometimes, I think the difference in the thread responses shows this. No one once made suggestions about me like they are about a bloke on this thread.

Also when you say you had the same surgery, was this straight after birth?? I had to bloody wait 5 years for mine

@LookItsMeAgain

Do you have the name of his consultant? Could you possibly contact the secretary of the consultant and ask their advice? Think along the lines of you don't think he's doing well after the surgery (curtains closed/not being active etc. ), how long should it take for him to be back up and mobile again as you're concerned about blood clots etc.

I'd have no qualms about making such a phone call in the hallway and speak distinctly so that your DH can hear what you're saying.

I'd have given him 36 hours after an operation like that before he would be expected to start being mobile again. Not for hours at a time but at least be mobile and not moping around.

Nobody likes or appreciates a bad patient. As for not taking any pain relief the only person he's hurting by doing that is himself.

Imagine if a man did this to a woman after her c-section.

36 hours? I was told to rest for 2 weeks and if anyone was barking at me to get up and move about then it would be THEM needing the arse surgery I’m afraid after it met my foot.

Also OP’s DH isn’t refusing medication, he’s taking paracetamol. Everyone is different but it’s all I’ve taken as I’m taking 12 tablets a day and to me that’s plenty

@HollowTalk

How did he behave towards you when you had the same operation?

Yeah. That's key as to how much you put up with.