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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is being a bit pathetic (surgery recovery)

65 replies

Snecco · 21/01/2022 14:15

NC for this

My DH had haemorrhoid surgery on Monday and has since spent all day every day sitting in the dark with a duvet watching films. If I happened to pass him he just gives me sad face and mumbles and returns to his lair. Now I get he’s in a lot of pain, I really do, in fact I had this myself after the birth of my last baby with a very large tear stitched up. I get it and it’s bloody awful. But am I BU to think he’s being a being of a flannel?? I mean, I don’t see how having the curtains closed is going to help his pain.

I’ve tried helping in lots of practical ways, giving him ice packs, stuff for the bath, bringing drinks, trying to help him manage his expectations given that he’s refusing to take anything stronger than paracetamol. If he makes himself drinks /food (I do offer, he says no then makes it when I’m out!) he leaves all the mess and plates everywhere and our living room where he is camping out looks like a student dump. We have a 2 year old and 6 month old baby and he’s barley even seen them at all since he was discharged. Im doing absolutely everything. I definitely didn’t get to do this when I’d given birth/had a section or any other surgeries.

I’m finding myself getting the rage - am I a cruel and awful wife or is he BU?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 21/01/2022 15:33

BINGO!!! I call it!!!!

I have had two children and one was by c-section (happens to have been my first child) and the second by VBAC. So when I saw your post @AsYouWishButtercup, in response to my own post, I felt compelled to respond.

Yes, I was up and about and having a shower and everything less than 12 hours after having each of my children. I wasn't permitted to lie in bed due to the possibility of developing blood clots in my legs. I had stitches after my second child and I had to be up and walking the wards even though it was the last thing on my mind to be doing.
It was a female nurse who got me out of bed and got me mobile again. On both occasions. Should it have mattered if I was being given these instructions by a man? I don't think so.

As for only taking paracetamol - if that's not touching the pain, he needs to be prescribed something stronger (for the first few days) like ponstan. Nobody likes a martyr to pain. That's what I meant by refusing medication. There are stronger pain killers out there but he isn't asking/demanding them.

Lastly too much paracetamol can be damaging to your liver.

BillMasen · 21/01/2022 15:34

This is quite a mean thread. I’m sure women recovering from surgery wouldn’t have posters accusing them of faking it, and if their partner had done done of the things the op is recommended to do he’d be called all sorts.

BillMasen · 21/01/2022 15:35

@LookItsMeAgain

Do you have the name of his consultant? Could you possibly contact the secretary of the consultant and ask their advice? Think along the lines of you don't think he's doing well after the surgery (curtains closed/not being active etc. ), how long should it take for him to be back up and mobile again as you're concerned about blood clots etc.

I'd have no qualms about making such a phone call in the hallway and speak distinctly so that your DH can hear what you're saying.

I'd have given him 36 hours after an operation like that before he would be expected to start being mobile again. Not for hours at a time but at least be mobile and not moping around.

Nobody likes or appreciates a bad patient. As for not taking any pain relief the only person he's hurting by doing that is himself.

And this. Wtf!

No way would a husband doing this be deemed acceptable!

AsYouWishButtercup · 21/01/2022 15:36

YY re the liver, I have now reduced it as I think 13 a day is bonkers!

Re your post about postnatal care - it’s another thread for another day but I honestly think care is fucking atrocious in this country and women are accelerated to get better by HCPs.

I have some very sexy stockings I have to wear until next week to deal with the blood clot problem, but I do get up occasionally if nothing else to reduce the risk of bed sores

AsYouWishButtercup · 21/01/2022 15:37

*12 a day

Crispynoodle · 21/01/2022 15:42

Tell him to wise up! I'm day 5 post surgery and, although I am resting for the best part of the day (no children!) I'm still up and about!

HardbackWriter · 21/01/2022 15:42

I also thought about your thread @AsYouWishButtercup and the huge contrast in attitudes towards haemorrhoid surgery! Also people to think the OP had haemorrhoid surgery too but that isn't how I read it - I thought she was comparing it to when she was recovering from a tear after childbirth. I don't know how they compare because I've only ever done the latter.

Mo1911 · 21/01/2022 15:43

If he can sit then he's not too bad. I was a nurse in the surgical unit and some patients had to lie on their tummies for a day or two, so if he's able to sit on his rear end and walk to the kitchen to make himself food, I'm sure he isn't exactly at deaths door!!

Crispynoodle · 21/01/2022 15:43

Sorry if TMI! Had pain days 1-3 but now hardly any!

AsYouWishButtercup · 21/01/2022 15:44

Oh I see! I did think it was unusual to have the surgery as an emergency procedure!

I’ve had a third degree year and this surgery I e just had feels more painful despite being fewer stitches - vaginas are clearly stronger than bums 😂

Frlrlrubert · 21/01/2022 15:49

I had my gall bladder out on Monday and in all honesty I've been a bit pathetic this week!

I've been sleeping about 14 hours a day and shuffling about in my pjs the rest of the time. Moving when it hurts to move sucks.

I was up and about faster after having DD (rather extensive tear), because I had to be, to bond with her, etc.

Luckily this time DH has taken up the slack and DD is 5 so at school in the day, so I've taken my time. I am feeling a lot more human today.

I'd probably give him the weekend before suggesting he really needs to start moving about for the good of his health.

rwalker · 21/01/2022 15:53

We're all different some people just feel horrendously sorry for themselves .
Must admit I do struggle with people who moan about pain but refuse to take anything for it . There choice but we end up suffering as much as them .
DW had her first covid vaccine and came home fine but went to bed as she said she "WILL" be ill tomorrow .

1forAll74 · 21/01/2022 15:54

I would just overlook things in this situation, as it's well known that some men are weak and wimpy when ailing. It's not worth the bother to be getting wound up about the weakness of some men.

sueelleker · 21/01/2022 15:54

AsYouWishButtercup
Maximum recommended dose of paracetamol is 4g a day-this equals 8x500mg tablets. Anything over that can cause liver damage.

iloverunningslow · 21/01/2022 16:00

Having had a large tear and anal fissure after childbirth (different times), the bum injury was infinitely more painful. Keep being nice to him.

beaverdiego · 21/01/2022 16:07

YABU

Everyone's pain threshold is different, he could be feeling a lot more sore than you did after your surgery.

Foolsrule · 21/01/2022 16:07

I think he’s being pathetic! But then I was out and about pushing a double pram with a baby and toddler up and down the local hills two weeks post c-section… Personally I think someone’s attitude to illness tells you a lot about them.

HardbackWriter · 21/01/2022 16:08

@Foolsrule

I think he’s being pathetic! But then I was out and about pushing a double pram with a baby and toddler up and down the local hills two weeks post c-section… Personally I think someone’s attitude to illness tells you a lot about them.
Yeah, I think your attitude to illness tells us lots about you, though I don't think you'd like the conclusions I've drawn!
AsYouWishButtercup · 21/01/2022 16:11

I have to say I find it boring when people do the whole “I had a lobotomy and was Morris dancing the next day, but that’s just me”. What do you want a fucking medal? Does anyone even care? More fool you for not resting as much as you could.

I just imagine those types of people to be mentally patting themselves on the back thinking “What a hero I am walking up a hill, unlike all those wusses” and remembering it to tell on a different date.

HardbackWriter · 21/01/2022 16:14

I was out walking miles within a few days of my first birth, even though I had a second degree tear.

Turns out that was a fucking stupid thing to do - the wound got quite badly infected, which set back proper recovery by weeks and made me feel really very ill indeed. The GP was pretty unequivocal that it was done to doing too much and not allowing myself to recover. Didn't make that mistake again!

Floralnomad · 21/01/2022 16:15

Haemorrhoid surgery is extremely painful so I would cut him a bit of slack , however if he wants to sit in the dark with a duvet he would be told to go to the bedroom here , I certainly wouldn’t have him draping himself all over the main lounge . I have an incredibly high pain threshold but can still manage to be sympathetic .

Chely · 21/01/2022 16:15

Delicate little flowers sometimes.
I struggle to rest after surgery, 2 c-sections and foot surgery. After my foot I was told not to be on my feet more than 20 minutes, I can get a lot done in 20 minutes.

HardbackWriter · 21/01/2022 16:17

Oh and would you believe it - it turned out I never got my medal, either! I assume it got lost in the post, I must ask the other MNers who were competitively up immediately after birth/surgery whether it comes via Royal Mail or Hermes.

Foolsrule · 21/01/2022 16:19

@HardbackWriter - well, it takes all sorts, doesn’t it?! There’s illness and there’s stringing it out for effect. I think we all know which camp the OP’s partner falls into.

Frlrlrubert · 21/01/2022 16:22

@HardbackWriter

I was out walking miles within a few days of my first birth, even though I had a second degree tear.

Turns out that was a fucking stupid thing to do - the wound got quite badly infected, which set back proper recovery by weeks and made me feel really very ill indeed. The GP was pretty unequivocal that it was done to doing too much and not allowing myself to recover. Didn't make that mistake again!

Yep, me too.

Except I did make the same mistake again, got dressed too fast on Monday and reopened one of my incisions (still morphined so didn't even notice until my t-shirt was weirdly damp). Which is kind of why I've been taking it so easy all week, I know what I'm like. I'll decide to 'just pop a little wash on' and accidentally clean the whole kitchen and do myself an injury. So I've deliberately not got dressed or moved too fast!

I've been in bed though, I wouldn't take over a room other people needed, I hadn't spotted that bit.