To think my DH is being a bit pathetic (surgery recovery)

[Snecco]

NC for this

My DH had haemorrhoid surgery on Monday and has since spent all day every day sitting in the dark with a duvet watching films. If I happened to pass him he just gives me sad face and mumbles and returns to his lair. Now I get he’s in a lot of pain, I really do, in fact I had this myself after the birth of my last baby with a very large tear stitched up. I get it and it’s bloody awful. But am I BU to think he’s being a being of a flannel?? I mean, I don’t see how having the curtains closed is going to help his pain.

I’ve tried helping in lots of practical ways, giving him ice packs, stuff for the bath, bringing drinks, trying to help him manage his expectations given that he’s refusing to take anything stronger than paracetamol. If he makes himself drinks /food (I do offer, he says no then makes it when I’m out!) he leaves all the mess and plates everywhere and our living room where he is camping out looks like a student dump. We have a 2 year old and 6 month old baby and he’s barley even seen them at all since he was discharged. Im doing absolutely everything. I definitely didn’t get to do this when I’d given birth/had a section or any other surgeries.

I’m finding myself getting the rage - am I a cruel and awful wife or is he BU?

I've heard it is very painful surgery. Putting off having it!

[quote Foolsrule]@HardbackWriter - well, it takes all sorts, doesn’t it?! There’s illness and there’s stringing it out for effect. I think we all know which camp the OP’s partner falls into.[/quote]
I was as OP describes her husband was 4 days after surgery, I was in the “not being a martyr” camp. Or do I get a pass because I’m not a man?

@Crispynoodle OMG what operation have you had?

@Crispynoodle you poor thing!!

If, like me and probably you, you’re very active usually doesn’t it feel wrong to sit doing fuck all? But you must! I learnt my lesson the hard way last week when I overdid it (and didn’t even do that much!)

Fuck me Crispy that looks horrendous!

It's grand! I've walked around with a broken humerus for 5 months! Eventually I got some plates and screws and really do feel grand! I told my DH I looked like Frankenstein's wife, he reassured me that I couldn't possibly be since I haven't got a bolt through my neck..........yet anyway

I had surgery on my lower back as an emergency and was still home the same day taking care of a toddler with piles to. It funny how men can tans to bed while having children yet mothers are expected to carry on and care for the children while the man goes to work.

he’s refusing to take anything stronger than paracetamol

I'm afraid any sympathy from me would drain away at this point. Fair enough there is pain, but if he doesn't want to take pain management he doesn't get to claim he's in pain.

But the IP’s DH is taking pain predication, exactly what he’s prescribed and nothing more.
Are people not reading that but properly?

@AsYouWishButtercup

But the IP’s DH is taking pain predication, exactly what he’s prescribed and nothing more. Are people not reading that but properly?

It sounds as if he's got a stronger option, but is refusing to take it. My DH's a bit like this-says he "doesn't want to get addicted". I point out that taking prescribed co-codamol for a couple of weeks isn't likely to turn him into a raging addict!

I wouldn't be annoyed that he is using his own coping strategies to deal with a literal pain in the bum. If he uses it forever as an excuse to do nothing in the house or with the kids, it would be another matter. But some people (and not just men) have a low pain threshold for particular sorts of pain. The closed curtains may be to help him to dose off when he can.

However my sympathy would be reduced by the fact that he is refusing to help himself by taking painkillers - unless there is an actual medical reason for it. There has been so much publicity to prescription drug addiction that some people think they'll get addicted by taking ANY painkillers. This is just the sort of situation where it's fully justified to take them.

I had this surgery, it is very nasty, but only very painful when you are actually doing a big ole poo - then it hurts like fuck, but in between not so much. Give him as much time and support as needed in the poo department - I had wine and a warm bath, but otherwise almost business as usual.

I'd give him 2 options for tomorrow:

1. He gets up and aims to be part of the family. Not over doing it, but engaging with the children etc. He can read books or watch TV with the 2yr old, he can watch the baby safely whilst you get a shower, do dinner etc.

1. He goes back to bed - in the bedroom - having taken all his prescribed medication and contacted the GP/hospital for more if what he's taken so far isn't enough so that he is actively working towards getting better.

I would not put up with the slobbing about in communal space expecting everything he doesn't fancy doing done for him.

[quote Foolsrule]@HardbackWriter - well, it takes all sorts, doesn’t it?! There’s illness and there’s stringing it out for effect. I think we all know which camp the OP’s partner falls into.[/quote]
Oh you know do you? Based on what?

Ffs some posters just love to make assumptions so they can have a go at the man!

Yes he’s prescribed stronger, just not taking it!

Interestingly, I said yesterday that he wouldn’t be well enough to do something that we were meant to be doing tomorrow that he was keen on, because he’s not well enough. Today he’s made an almost miraculous improvement 😊