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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to go to the stag?

55 replies

BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 22:13

We have friends who have arranged their wedding very last minute, for a few weeks time. My husband has just been told the stag is supposed to be next weekend, Friday-Monday

We have a two year old and a 18 week old baby.

My husband works long hours so I do the lions share of the parenting stuff. He usually takes the oldest out for the day on a Friday (his day off work) so I can have a break. Husband will also go for a drink often after work but I don’t begrudge him that, although I would like to have the opportunity to do something in the evening myself, even if it’s just have a bath without worrying about the baby waking up!

The thing is I already feel so overwhelmed and have had dreadful PND this time around. I worry about everything, cry every day, when I have to go out I drag myself out and hate every minute of it. I am doing therapy sessions and am hoping that will help but it’s early days.

The thought of him being away for four whole days is just too much, especially when I won’t have my usual Friday to catch up on stuff and have a bit of a breather/bonding time with baby. I feel like I want to be sick. Our parents live back in the UK but we are Europe. My parents are flying out in a couple of weeks to look after the kids when we go to the actual wedding, but they also have a life of their own so I can’t ask them to come and help next weekend too.

He hasn’t paid his share yet so I could still ask him not to go. Where they are going is the other side of the country so it’s not realistic to ask him to just go for a day. Or is that really unfair?

He works hard and deserves a good time but at the moment I just don’t feel ready for a full weekend on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 22:31

Usually, I couldn’t be less bothered about him going away for a stag - he went on holiday with his mates when I was 36 weeks pregnant and I had a lovely “treat time” with our eldest before baby was born!

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 20/01/2022 22:39

If you need him you need him. You’re not needing him to piss him off… it’s hard with new babies and you are struggling. So yanbu. Friends need to understand that last minute means not everyone can attend. That said could he make any of it? Maybe go Saturday morning

Sometimeswinning · 20/01/2022 22:42

It's a shame you have to ask him really when he should see you are struggling. If my dh asked me in your situation I'd have no trouble saying to him he must be joking!!

Mine did go away when our kids were the same age, he checked with me first, didn't do the whole weekend and I had my family around. Don't put yourself down because you're not the one working at the moment!

Original poster
BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 22:43

The quickest way to get there is by train and that’s still 4-5 hours/ expensive - so it’s not really an option just to go for the Saturday otherwise that would have been best of both worlds

OP posts:
waterrat · 20/01/2022 22:44

Yanbu. It will cause you distress and it's not forever thst you need to say no to things like this. It's too short notice and 4 days is too long.

Aussiegirl123456 · 20/01/2022 22:46

I can’t believe he’s even considering it to be honest.

Original poster
BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 22:56

He’s an usher too which makes it a bit more tricky

OP posts:
Original poster
BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 23:05

I do also feel like it could make him a bit resentful that I’ve asked him to stay behind and so it’ll be a shitty weekend anyway. It’s just really knocked me for six with it being so last minute, I think

OP posts:
Foodfoodfoodie · 20/01/2022 23:09

C

Foodfoodfoodie · 20/01/2022 23:10

What about his parents

R0tational · 20/01/2022 23:11

Let him go

Aussiegirl123456 · 20/01/2022 23:13

If your friend invited you to be a bridesmaid and invited you away this weekend for a hen party, for four days. 5 hours away. Would you go? Would you even consider it?

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2022 23:16

Even though it’s that distance away, he could still go for a shorted time. Early train Saturday, train Sunday afternoon. He’s only be away one night.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable at all to tell him how much you’re struggling at the moment and let him make the right choice to not go or go for a shorter time.

Original poster
BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 23:18

@Aussiegirl123456

If your friend invited you to be a bridesmaid and invited you away this weekend for a hen party, for four days. 5 hours away. Would you go? Would you even consider it?
I would consider it but not if it was now, under these circumstances as I’m breastfeeding and wouldn’t want to be away for that long. Especially with not being able to get back quickly in case of emergency. If baby was 12 months+ I would probably go
OP posts:
Original poster
BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 23:23

And I’d probably go independently for a shorter time

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 20/01/2022 23:32

I'm surprised he hasn't already declined regardless of being in the wedding.

Spilltheteaplease · 20/01/2022 23:34

I think if he can't compromise on going for a shorter time then he probably shouldn't go at all. I'd want him to reach that conclusion on his own though. Why should you feel like the mean one stopping him going off to have fun when the mature response is, this is not the right time to go away for 4 days.

underneaththeash · 20/01/2022 23:42

If it was me - I'd bank the time. Spend it with friends when I wasn't tied to the baby.
But how unwell are you feeling? I think a lot of mums are not feeling great at the moment - it's too isolating.

But if you feel unable to care safely for your children, you really should ask him to stay at home.

Original poster
BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 23:54

I just feel abandoned anyway

I’m by myself with the kids all the time and feel like because this is my second baby people expect me to just get on

I suppose what I really want it for him to realise how much I need him around at the moment

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2022 23:57

I suppose what I really want it for him to realise how much I need him around at the moment

Have you ever spelled it out for him it really clear language he can’t misunderstand?

5foot5 · 21/01/2022 00:06

YANBU. But then I am a little unimpressed anyway with this modern idea that a stag or hen is not just a night out but a whole minibreak which involves your friends in considerable time and expense

Hawkins001 · 21/01/2022 00:37

@BintheZoflora

We have friends who have arranged their wedding very last minute, for a few weeks time. My husband has just been told the stag is supposed to be next weekend, Friday-Monday

We have a two year old and a 18 week old baby.

My husband works long hours so I do the lions share of the parenting stuff. He usually takes the oldest out for the day on a Friday (his day off work) so I can have a break. Husband will also go for a drink often after work but I don’t begrudge him that, although I would like to have the opportunity to do something in the evening myself, even if it’s just have a bath without worrying about the baby waking up!

The thing is I already feel so overwhelmed and have had dreadful PND this time around. I worry about everything, cry every day, when I have to go out I drag myself out and hate every minute of it. I am doing therapy sessions and am hoping that will help but it’s early days.

The thought of him being away for four whole days is just too much, especially when I won’t have my usual Friday to catch up on stuff and have a bit of a breather/bonding time with baby. I feel like I want to be sick. Our parents live back in the UK but we are Europe. My parents are flying out in a couple of weeks to look after the kids when we go to the actual wedding, but they also have a life of their own so I can’t ask them to come and help next weekend too.

He hasn’t paid his share yet so I could still ask him not to go. Where they are going is the other side of the country so it’s not realistic to ask him to just go for a day. Or is that really unfair?

He works hard and deserves a good time but at the moment I just don’t feel ready for a full weekend on my own.

Could you go but stay in a hotel room ?
Original poster
BintheZoflora · 21/01/2022 01:18

I’m not paying for an expensive five hour train journey and dragging two kids across the country just to sit in a hotel room

I don’t think in the history of stag dos any one of the kids has bought his wife and kids 😂

Plus that could potentially make me look an absolute psycho - if he’s going out and doing all the activities what is the point of me being there? It just makes me look like I don’t trust him and want to monitor him

OP posts:
Original poster
BintheZoflora · 21/01/2022 01:19

*anyone of the lads

OP posts:
Original poster
BintheZoflora · 21/01/2022 01:22

@5foot5

YANBU. But then I am a little unimpressed anyway with this modern idea that a stag or hen is not just a night out but a whole minibreak which involves your friends in considerable time and expense
To be fair I agree with you

Most of these people wouldn’t take their family for a mini break but as soon as there’s a chance to get pissed in Prague it’s no problem let’s go away

OP posts: