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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to go to the stag?

55 replies

BintheZoflora · 20/01/2022 22:13

We have friends who have arranged their wedding very last minute, for a few weeks time. My husband has just been told the stag is supposed to be next weekend, Friday-Monday

We have a two year old and a 18 week old baby.

My husband works long hours so I do the lions share of the parenting stuff. He usually takes the oldest out for the day on a Friday (his day off work) so I can have a break. Husband will also go for a drink often after work but I don’t begrudge him that, although I would like to have the opportunity to do something in the evening myself, even if it’s just have a bath without worrying about the baby waking up!

The thing is I already feel so overwhelmed and have had dreadful PND this time around. I worry about everything, cry every day, when I have to go out I drag myself out and hate every minute of it. I am doing therapy sessions and am hoping that will help but it’s early days.

The thought of him being away for four whole days is just too much, especially when I won’t have my usual Friday to catch up on stuff and have a bit of a breather/bonding time with baby. I feel like I want to be sick. Our parents live back in the UK but we are Europe. My parents are flying out in a couple of weeks to look after the kids when we go to the actual wedding, but they also have a life of their own so I can’t ask them to come and help next weekend too.

He hasn’t paid his share yet so I could still ask him not to go. Where they are going is the other side of the country so it’s not realistic to ask him to just go for a day. Or is that really unfair?

He works hard and deserves a good time but at the moment I just don’t feel ready for a full weekend on my own.

OP posts:
MizzFizz · 21/01/2022 01:28

Re: him being resentful - you got into this parenthood journey together, as a team. You now have carried two children and have PND, I don't think it's too much to ask that in a moment when you need a lot of support, he be there for you. The early years don't last forever, sacrifices must be made by both parents. If he resents it, honestly he's a royal a$$...

Hawkins001 · 21/01/2022 01:34

@BintheZoflora

I’m not paying for an expensive five hour train journey and dragging two kids across the country just to sit in a hotel room

I don’t think in the history of stag dos any one of the kids has bought his wife and kids 😂

Plus that could potentially make me look an absolute psycho - if he’s going out and doing all the activities what is the point of me being there? It just makes me look like I don’t trust him and want to monitor him

Good perspectives to consider.
timeisnotaline · 21/01/2022 01:37

You need him, so you need him. I’d say I actually only survive each week because I get a break on the weekend, it’s just enough to keep me going and I can’t do without it. A weekend on my own would tip me over the edge, I need you here. (This was how it was for me, and I did have to explain for dh I couldn’t just lump it, I didn’t have any reserves and the break I got on the weekend was just enough of a trickle into the tank to keep the motor running, no more.)

If you are going to not listen to me telling you that I am at my limits caring for our children 24/7 you need to take your turn a bit more fairly instead of the free ride I’ve been giving you. I don’t get evenings at the pub, I don’t even get a leisurely bath because you’re at the pub. I can’t find it in me to feel bad for not supporting you on a 4 days stag holiday, when did you last support me to take a bath for an hour or get 5 hours sleep?

timeisnotaline · 21/01/2022 01:37

Clearly I’m missing a line above saying and if he doesn’t take it well this is your response!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 21/01/2022 02:52

Yea, I wouldn't be happy with that.

He should know not to go when you're struggling and need his support.

He sounds quite thoughtless and selfish.

I also agree that some men just love to be pissing off on long luxurious 4 day stag dos, major booze ups and other women but can barely drag their sorry arses on a decent family holiday.

Weatherwax13 · 21/01/2022 03:21

He shouldn't be considering it tbh. I'd be hurt and pissed if I were you. You have to talk to him and I hope he's just being thoughtless and doesn't act resentful as he has no right to be.
A sensible compromise would be for him to tell the groom that of course he can't do this long stag, but he'd take him for a night out close to home before the wedding.

SalsaLove · 21/01/2022 03:31

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he’s not a stag, he’s a man with a wife and two very young children. Those are his life choices. He doesn’t get to go away at this point and leave his responsibilities behind. Why do so many men not understand the concept of partnership?

crankysaurus · 21/01/2022 03:52

I'd also suggest telling him plainly that you're struggling and need him to be around, and suggest he takes the groom for a night out close to home instead.

Hope you're doing okay, it's good you're getting the counselling support, do you have any friends locally that can support / give you company during the week?

CheeseMmmm · 21/01/2022 03:53

Does he even want to go? Mine wouldn't under those circs at all.

How are they all supposed to get time off work for it such late notice?!

It's very weird.

Why not just talk to him? He knows you're ill. He knows you're struggling.

So many threads women just don't seem to have open communication with OH. I don't understand it.

Ask him not to go? Again. Why not discuss it and see how both feel?

You understand assuming he wants to go, that it will be fun.

He should obviously understand you feel really worried that amount time.

He could go last couple days eg.

I mean. Just talk to him!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 21/01/2022 05:38

I suppose what I really want it for him to realise how much I need him around at the moment

I don't think it's fair to expect him to be a mind reader.

If you don't want him to go and are worried about how you'll cope, you need to tell him, not expect him to guess and then resent him when he doesn't get it right.

StruggleStreet · 21/01/2022 05:52

I have two children of similar ages OP, I wouldn’t want my husband to go away for a weekend, I would really panic about it. I struggle when he goes out for just an evening to be honest and he very rarely does.
Given that you’re suffering from PND and you say you’re crying daily, I don’t think he should even be considering it. Nor should he be going out regularly for after work drinks IMO. Women sacrifice so much to have children, I really don’t think it’s a huge sacrifice for dads to have to put their social life on hold for a bit.

girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 06:26

I think YANBU to not want him to go for 4 days because that's ridiculous for a stag do especially at short notice but YABU to not want him to go at all.

Can he drive over on Saturday morning and come home Monday morning so you're only alone 2 nights?

MiddleParking · 21/01/2022 06:42

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I suppose what I really want it for him to realise how much I need him around at the moment

I don't think it's fair to expect him to be a mind reader.

If you don't want him to go and are worried about how you'll cope, you need to tell him, not expect him to guess and then resent him when he doesn't get it right.

You really, really do not have to be a mind reader to know that a Friday-Monday stag do at a week’s notice when you’ve got two babies and a wife with PND at home is likely to be a non starter. You have no business getting married or having children if you need told that.
Original poster
BintheZoflora · 21/01/2022 14:28

@girlmom21

I think YANBU to not want him to go for 4 days because that's ridiculous for a stag do especially at short notice but YABU to not want him to go at all.

Can he drive over on Saturday morning and come home Monday morning so you're only alone 2 nights?

I guess he could go on the train for a bit but once he’s gone for two nights it might as well be the three

Driving would take about 11 hours each way so defo not a good choice

OP posts:
Original poster
BintheZoflora · 21/01/2022 14:29

To be fair I don’t feel quite so upset about it today as the idea of him going has sunk in a bit but I’d really like him to stay still

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 14:33

If he'd be going on the train could he come home on Sunday after the day time activities?

I only said Monday because I assumed he'd be drinking on the Sunday.

Thirtytimesround · 21/01/2022 14:35

I’d ask him not to go. He has obligations to his baby. If he insists on going, I’d suggest you hire temporary help (cleaner / takeaways / babysitter to amuse toddler while you rest). Why should you do all his share of parenting for 4 days?!

This idea of stag nights dragging on for several days is such bollocks.

Dippydinosaurus · 21/01/2022 14:35

I'd let him go and bank the days for yourself in a few years. I did the same and it's nice to have something to look forward to. I didn't have PND though. Do you have any friends to meet up with? Book soft play for eldest so you get a sit down/tire them out.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/01/2022 14:36

Another one who can’t believe he’s even considering it.

“Ah sounds lovely but I can’t make it. As you know we’ve (note the we’ve) got an 18 month old at home, and it’s all hands to the pump right now.”

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 21/01/2022 14:36

YANBU, he can’t go. It’s different if it’s one night or a few hours but 4 days with PND, a young baby and a toddler is too much.

Original poster
BintheZoflora · 21/01/2022 14:42

If it was before when our eldest was a baby I would have been more than happy for him to go and have a good time but this time round is so different.

I think because last time I found things so easy/wonderful he doesn’t really get it?

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 21/01/2022 14:45

I think you can use this as a springboard to talk about how you are feeling generally - 'I think if you think this is a reasonable request you don't know what the situation is for me at the moment, so I'll tell you.' and lay it out.

A baby and a toddler nearly killed me I must say, and it did send me mad. DH worked similarly long hours. It is very difficult to change things from the position of being the one at home because you can't physically just leave the kids. Obviously you wouldn't tell him not to go if this didn't really affect you but it does, it's miserable, and 2 weeks without a break is just not manageable for you right now.

Nosetickle · 21/01/2022 14:48

YANBU. You work hard too and deserve to have a good time but you have to accept that’s just not possible at the moment and so does he. Make sure you have a bath one evening every week and put on headphones and leave DH to deal with the kids for an hour so you can relax. Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2022 14:58

@BintheZoflora

If it was before when our eldest was a baby I would have been more than happy for him to go and have a good time but this time round is so different.

I think because last time I found things so easy/wonderful he doesn’t really get it?

Are you telling him?

Because if you are, it's on him. But if you're not, you need to.

Original poster
BintheZoflora · 21/01/2022 15:27

Yeah he knows about the PND and therapy

I just think he is really struggling to understand

Anyway I’m sure he needs a break too and if it’s me I would feel a bit gutted to be missing out on a weekend with my friends

But that’s family life surely?

OP posts:
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