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AIBU?

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Original poster

OLD, talking on phone before meeting

55 replies

Toloveandtowork · 20/01/2022 21:37

I've been attempting online dating (OLD).
AIBU to not like requests to talk on the phone before meeting. My reasoning is that it's only on meeting that I can feel if we have a connection or not, and with only a profile, a few (possibly outdated) pictures, to go on, a conversation doesn't necessarily help. I'm also introverted but can hold my own in person.
AIBU to not like talking on the phone before meeting for the first time?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 20/01/2022 21:58

I wouldn't want to meet someone I hadn't even spoken to on the phone.

Yummypumpkin · 20/01/2022 22:00

If someone won't have a phonecall I'm not investing the time, energy, effort and £ to meet. And I'd assume they were looking for a quick shag.

Chickychoccyegg · 20/01/2022 22:01

It might be harder to meet someone if you're not prepared to speak on the phone first, but hopefully you meet someone you like who thinks the same as you.

RedCandyApple · 20/01/2022 22:01

I would personally prefer to speak to someone on the phone before meeting

BatshitBanshee · 20/01/2022 22:04

OLD veteran here (now married to DH who I met OLD) never once spoke on the phone to anyone I met OLD. It's too odd or intimate for me and I'd get The Ick if the person I was speaking to wasn't a confident speaker (but fine if confident in person).

I think for a lot of people, it is a case that when we have to deal with people on the phone for professional matters (customer service, work etc etc) then it's just straight to the point. Personal matters can be tedious and a bit uncertain if you can't see the person.

LadyJJ · 20/01/2022 22:05

I always video called before meeting, to make sure they were actually the people in the pictures and to see if there was any connection at all.
Think phone calling is fairly standard.

Ancientdreams · 20/01/2022 22:10

I don’t particularly like it either but I have managed to screen out a couple of guys this way eg one really boring, one had a high voice, one talked about his ex, one kept ringing after every delivery during his job as a driver. So then you don’t waste your time going on a date.

DiddyHeck · 20/01/2022 22:13

I'm also introverted but can hold my own in person.

By introverted do you mean awkward on the phone?

PermanentTemporary · 20/01/2022 22:14

I had 3 video calls with bf before we met for the first time and they set everything up for us. I fancied him from the word go and I could tell he was attracted to me. He had plenty to say for himself but wasn't over the top. Fair to say that we fixed the first meeting during the first call though.

DasAlteLeid · 20/01/2022 22:14

@Ancientdreams

one had a high voice

LOL did you tell him why you lost interest?

CristinaYangismySpiritAnimal · 20/01/2022 22:15

I’m with you, I won’t talk on the phone before meeting.

Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 21/01/2022 06:59

@DiddyHeck It's not really social anxiety, more like I don't like all the very personal questions, like how long since last boyfriend etc and the expectation that the phone call will be a 'romantic' event.

Perhaps it's me actually that is wrong, and maybe I'm not actually that interested in the guy.

I also don't like that it feels like an interview.

OP posts:
FirstTimeSecondTime · 21/01/2022 07:06

I agree, it’s hard to feel any connection or spark when talking to a complete stranger on the phone. However, I always have had a phone chat before meeting. It’s helpful to ascertain their sense of humour, attitude to life etc.

After 5 years OLD, I am going on date number 4 this Saturday with someone I actually like. We messaged for a couple of weeks and had one telephone conversation before we met.

curlii103 · 21/01/2022 07:08

I would feel all those things too! I would find it awkward but i wouldnt hsve a call with people generally....and im not anxious or anything as a person

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/01/2022 07:09

YANBU
I always turned this down when requested. I did have a long phone call once by mistake when I clicked call and he answered and it was lovely, but then he shagged me twice and ghosted me so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/01/2022 07:10

Yanbu
The only person who ever asked to speak on the phone pre date was an absolute psycho who I had the misfortune of falling in limerance with. It was like being a drug addict I was obsessed and no matter what awful thing he said or did to neighbours family coworkers etc. Never experienced anything like it before or since.
I had a very narrow escape.

Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 21/01/2022 11:21

It's a funny one. If I'm really interested, surely I'd like to speak to him on the phone first. But I'm afraid it would be awkward, maybe I'd have nothing to say (my life is very boring at the moment). I'd rather just meet and get it over with.

Also I don't see it as wasting time and energy by going on a date with someone I haven't spoken to on the phone first. I see the effort of the date as part of the whole online dating deal. When meeting, I can tell within two seconds if I'm potentially attracted or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 21/01/2022 11:22

Is it the norm to speak on the phone first?

OP posts:
ChrimboGateauxCatto · 21/01/2022 11:40

It's totally the norm to speak on the phone first. I wouldn't do face to face meeting without it.

mewkins · 21/01/2022 11:45

I'm all for a phone conversation. It has got me out of what would have been tedious dates (one guy spoke at me for 90 mins on the ins and outs of his marriage break up). I haven't had anyone expect them to be romantic encounters, just chats to see whether you're on the same wavelength.

jamaisjedors · 21/01/2022 11:47

Depends on how available you are.

For me, when I was first dating, I had a very busy job plus 2 teenagers with me full-time.

I only had maybe one slot in the week due à quick coffee date. I didn't want to waste that on complete dead end dates. I managed to eliminate a couple of people by phoning or video calling first.

One corrected my choice of word (I live abroad but speak the language fluently... Better than him in fact as it turned out... He just didn't know the word I used Confused).

And one just stared at me gormlessly and kept complaining about his life.

Another was fine so we met in person and had a couple of dates.

Actually thinking about it now, my current partner is someone I DIDN'T speak to on the phone before our first date... But he was so absolutely lovely and different by text than all the others that after 10 days of chatting when I unexpectedly finished early at work I arranged to meet him.. And that was that.

I now know that he can stutter quite badly on they phone (rarely in person) so he would definitely have hated a phone call first!

Make your own rules.

I was also nervous about people being who they said they were initially so a phone call seemed safer.

grapewine · 21/01/2022 11:48

@Yummypumpkin

If someone won't have a phonecall I'm not investing the time, energy, effort and £ to meet. And I'd assume they were looking for a quick shag.
Yep.
SuspiciousHumanoid · 21/01/2022 11:50

I like to speak on the phone, but then I’m a lesbian and I like to check The person I’m speaking to is actually a woman. A surprising number aren’t.

RedCandyApple · 21/01/2022 11:53

It’s normal ime, tbh I wouldn’t want to meet someone I hadn’t spoken to first but that’s just me, i would prefer to face time so I know it’s actually the person I am meeting, if you don’t have time for a phone call I’m not sure how you will have time to date?

RedCandyApple · 21/01/2022 11:55

But this is Mumsnet where people don’t even like answering the door so I imagine that many don’t like speaking on the phone either