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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OLD, talking on phone before meeting

55 replies

Toloveandtowork · 20/01/2022 21:37

I've been attempting online dating (OLD).
AIBU to not like requests to talk on the phone before meeting. My reasoning is that it's only on meeting that I can feel if we have a connection or not, and with only a profile, a few (possibly outdated) pictures, to go on, a conversation doesn't necessarily help. I'm also introverted but can hold my own in person.
AIBU to not like talking on the phone before meeting for the first time?

OP posts:
TeloMere · 21/01/2022 11:59

So would you refuse if someone asked to speak on the phone before meeting up OP?

I'd think they were a weirdo or someone with "issues" and it'd put me right off meeting them.

Crumbs22 · 21/01/2022 12:00

I would always choose at least one video call before deciding to meet.

KurtWilde · 21/01/2022 12:21

I hate speaking on the phone, much prefer text, but tbh I would expect at least one call/FaceTime before meeting someone - mainly to make sure there was at least some kind of flow in conversation/connection. I'm crap at making connections and taking social cues but I can usually tell if I'm interested in a person/they're interested in me by how comfortable the conversation feels.

Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 21/01/2022 13:20

@TeloMere
I wouldn't refuse, but the guy I am texting at the moment definitely wants to speak on the phone and he probably wants to know that I am who I say I am. He commented while chatting that I don't have a photo of me on WhatsApp, whereas it hadn't occurred to me to put one, so I expect he is wary. Rightly so too. I'll put one up there as soon as I have one suitable.

I'm speaking to him at 3pm and will report back. I do feel a bit like I'm the weirdo not wanting to talk on the phone. I know I'll feel better once I've done it. He seems really nice. Perhaps it's a case of low self esteem (but I look good in person). I'm actually fine chatting, and talk to strangers in person all the time for my work.

I'm definitely not the Mumsnet type to not even answer the door, that's not where I'm coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 21/01/2022 13:27

A question for those of you who do a video call, do you hold the phone to your face (which I imagine isn't very flattering), or do you have some sort of setup with a laptop so you haven't got the phone in your face?

OP posts:
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 13:31

You are safer to have a phone call OP - if only foe a few minutes
It is amazing how much consiously and subconsiously you will be able to pick up from it - age, demographics etc.

I know it does not feel comfortable but it is safer given the world we are living in.

Tricked2003 · 21/01/2022 13:36

I met DH OLD we started messaging and then progressed to lengthy phone calls before we met up in persons. I helped us get to know each other and made the first meeting more relaxed. We were engaged after 8 weeks and married after 8 months

Laiste · 21/01/2022 13:38

Good luck at 3 today OP :)

I met DH on MSN (remember that?). Both just buggering about on there on mate's accounts one night. Neither of us looking for anything. Arranged to go back on and chat the next night. And the next. And the next ... No pics or anything.

Over 2 months it got very intense between us and i suggested we talk on the phone as i thought it would probably put me off and life could go back to normal.

Nopes. His voice was v sexy :)

So then we decided to meet up as that would surely put an end to it.

Nopes! ;) Wow!

We've been together 15 years now Grin

UserBot999 · 21/01/2022 13:39

I hated this. I thought they wanted to see what accent i had

MissSmiley · 21/01/2022 13:54

[quote DasAlteLeid]@Ancientdreams

one had a high voice

LOL did you tell him why you lost interest?[/quote]
I very nearly met one guy who looked amazing in his photos, he was about 50. We spoke on the phone before meeting and he sounded like a teenager 😱 I think it was actually him but such a weirdly young voice, I didn't meet him. Always always arrange a phone call beforehand

CousinKrispy · 21/01/2022 14:54

I never bothered with speaking on the phone first. I am more comfortable texting and I think the same was true of most of the guys I matched with. It certainly is true of the one I'm still dating months later, he hates talking on the phone but that's fine as he's totally lovely!

The one man who proposed talking on the phone (very shortly after we had started texting each other) became rude and aggressive when I said I wasn't ready for that yet. Red flag!

It's fine for people to prefer a phone call if that's what they want, but it's also fine for you to say you prefer not to call. Everyone is different and it doesn't mean you are "too busy to date" or socially inept or whatever if you just don't feel a phone conversation is necessary for you.

Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 21/01/2022 16:39

Well, the phone call went very well. I liked his deep, masculine voice and the Spanish accent!! He seems very down to earth and one of the things that was bothering me us that he is clearly financially better off than me, but I can see it doesn't matter to him.
It was easy conversation, what the hell was I worried about? I've had a bad case of the January blues.
So I'm probably meeting him on Sunday evening.
Thanks for all the kind comments.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 21/01/2022 16:45

@Toloveandtowork that's a fab update, bet you're glad you took the plunge now Smile

Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 16:46

@Toloveandtowork

Well, the phone call went very well. I liked his deep, masculine voice and the Spanish accent!! He seems very down to earth and one of the things that was bothering me us that he is clearly financially better off than me, but I can see it doesn't matter to him. It was easy conversation, what the hell was I worried about? I've had a bad case of the January blues. So I'm probably meeting him on Sunday evening. Thanks for all the kind comments.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ See how much you learned from phone call? Its always a good idea Good luck Sunday
Shantotto · 21/01/2022 16:46

I did a lot of online dating and I never had a call first. In fact I could never be bothered to do much messaging back and forth either. I would just message saying I liked their profile fancy a beer or similar. It is so much easier to know wether you like someone to face to face so I just wanted to meet as soon as possible! There were a lot I didn’t click with but in the main they were still very enjoyable evenings even if they didn’t turn out to be my future husband.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/01/2022 16:48

Yeah I wouldn’t fancy that either. Hate speaking on the phone at the best of times!

It’s less common to speak on the phone first than not to, but not exactly unheard of!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/01/2022 16:48

Ah I see things have somewhat moved on! I’ll bear in mind your good experience if I ever get back on OLD!

Original poster
Toloveandtowork · 21/01/2022 17:07

The next hurdle is whether I fancy him in real life, but the phone call certainly helped build rapport.
I'll invite you all to the wedding 😂😂

OP posts:
UserBot999 · 21/01/2022 17:09

Maybe id offer to do a quick voice note swap.

Giraffesandbottoms · 21/01/2022 17:41

Of course you have to speak on the phone. What if you hate their voice?! What if they have a sense of humour which does not translate from written text to spoken word? It’s just polite to chat a bit on the phone first. Confirm you are a person/the correct sex etc! Build up a bit of rapport.

It’s so awkward how socially inept people are these days “i hate speaking on the phone” etc. Grow up!

RedCandyApple · 21/01/2022 17:50

@Giraffesandbottoms

Of course you have to speak on the phone. What if you hate their voice?! What if they have a sense of humour which does not translate from written text to spoken word? It’s just polite to chat a bit on the phone first. Confirm you are a person/the correct sex etc! Build up a bit of rapport.

It’s so awkward how socially inept people are these days “i hate speaking on the phone” etc. Grow up!

I agree, Mind you I only see this on MN, god knows how they actually manage to have an actual relationship!
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/01/2022 17:57

@RedCandyApple

Social media has a lot to answer for, as well as the way we text/message these days. It’s definitely much more of a thing to hate the phone then when I was a teenager and a young adult and people adored speaking for hours on the phone. Now everyone is phone shy as they would rather be online or texting whilst doing 10 other things and the phone requires more energy and focussed conversation. I’m guilty of it too but I force myself to be otherwise because I realise how childish it is 😬

TeloMere · 21/01/2022 18:55

I used to spend hours on the phone, especially in those heady first few months of a relationship. No idea what we talked about but time flew by.

Those who've grown up with texting haven't had the same experience so it's not surprising that they feel awkward and avoid talking on the phone.

Isitsixoclockalready · 21/01/2022 18:58

[quote Toloveandtowork]@DiddyHeck It's not really social anxiety, more like I don't like all the very personal questions, like how long since last boyfriend etc and the expectation that the phone call will be a 'romantic' event.

Perhaps it's me actually that is wrong, and maybe I'm not actually that interested in the guy.

I also don't like that it feels like an interview.[/quote]
I can understand that. Also, there is no right or wrong answer to this - it's what you feel comfortable with.

Giraffesandbottoms · 21/01/2022 18:59

@TeloMere

I would be keen to know the age of people on the thread who don’t like the phone. I’m 30, so as I said I’ve grown up with texting to an extent but also the landline and I make a concerted effort to not be a strange phone avoider which is what comes naturally to me