I feel so disillusioned with how I thought my partner would be as a Dad

[PinkFing]

We have a young baby, our first and he is perfect!

He was planned and is loved by us both.

My boyfriend though hasn’t made any effort at all to grow up or change since we had him. He still goes out late after work (he works late) with his mates. He still wants us to go out to the pub with him on family evenings off.

Things just came to a head for me this evening as I’m preparing to get a train 3 hours away to my parents for the weekend alone and instead of helping me prepare for this he decided to go out with a mate to our local and has left me trying to convert the main seat of a buggy to the maxi cosi so I can travel. It sounds small but I’m fucking exhausted and rubbish with this stuff and now in tears trying to pack, look after DS and sort out the fecking travel system. AIBU or should I buck up?

Post edited by MNHQ

Have you told him this? What's his excuse/reason?

That he works hard (he does) and wants to play hard.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his child.

Sadly they don't change. I'm sorry.

Well I'm pretty sure he would have been like this before yo

Had a baby

Why did you think he would magically change

@TearifficTaz because our baby is very wanted and he’s always wanted to be a Dad

You need to leave him responsible for his child for extended periods if you want the realities of father hood to hit home for him

[quote PinkFing]@TearifficTaz because our baby is very wanted and he’s always wanted to be a Dad[/quote]
So because he wanted a child you thought he would all of a sudden stop doing things he has clearly done before?

Goodness me

Hmmmm
Not helpful @TearifficTaz

Everyone wants to play. Have you asked if he genuinely thinks it's fair that you pick up the slack?

It’s hard to leave them for long as our son refuses bottles despite my best efforts!

Mine was a bit like this.

He was always an amazing uncle to his nephew and niece, talked endlessly about wanting six kids, what he’d do to look after the kids when we had them. Put himself forward as a supporter of equality between the sexes, all that stuff

I had no reason to think he’d be a crap dad but he’s been awful from the start. No interest in parenting dc1 went she was born. Always made sure he was free to come and go as he chose. We’re divorced now. He’s still crap.

Has another child with another woman who seems happy to be the default parent 🤷🏻‍♀️

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing that’s so similar!! He’s always been the fun uncle and like a fun kid with them, but with his own he doesn’t seem to have that energy

@PinkFing

That he works hard (he does) and wants to play hard.

When do you get to play hard, or play at all?

And if he doubts that looking after a baby is work, he can try it for a change and see how he gets on.

Could you stay longer at your parents? He sounds like he needs a wake up call.

Sorry OP What he wants is the bits of being a dad that don’t involve any work or sacrifice. He wants to occasionally ( & only when it suits him) to parade his son out and about so that ppl coo and congratulate him on his manliness in producing a son. He doesn’t want to get involved with any of the boring exhausting stuff cos that’s your job as mum.

He may have wanted to be a dad but his behaviour is immature & irresponsible

Question is what will you do?

Sadly, you expected him to change. Selfish men like him never do.

Hi PinkFing,

Forgive us barging in like this but we wondered if you wanted us to remove or edit the name of your DS in your OP?

We realise it may be a false name so if feel free to ignore us!

*So because he wanted a child you thought he would all of a sudden stop doing things he has clearly done before?

Goodness me*

Well.....yes, that's what most people do.

He wants to play hard… well don’t we all. But he has responsibilities now! I would definitely say it’s him and not you who is being unreasonable.

Sounds like he wanted to be a dad to prove that his equipment works. Now that's done he's gone back to the serious business of having 'play hard' fun.

You'll be expert in buggy conversion by Easter. Only you know if that's enough for you

Op, my children refused to take a bottle off me. Or off my dh is i was in smelling distance. They would if i went out.

Go out more often alone.

@TearifficTaz. It's easy not to realise a man is like this as you don't depend on them until baby is born. You have a fun life together and it's not until responsibilities arrive that they show you who they are. No need to be so judgemental

Oh crumbs!! @FlissMumsnet yes please!!

Sorry to hear this OP.
He's not likely to change, and certainly won't if you don't have it out with him clearly and calmly and state your expectations.

If he can't manage/can't be arsed then only you can decide if you're happy to do it all alone and be knackered for a couple of years at least...

He sounds like he just wanted a pretty picture family and to carry on living carefree life whilst you slave about.

Thanks for the kind answers. I don’t think he’s being ‘Mr my tackle works!’but he’s not stepping up either.

I really didn’t see this coming which I k ow sounds naive