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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel so disillusioned with how I thought my partner would be as a Dad

55 replies

PinkFing · 20/01/2022 21:08

We have a young baby, our first and he is perfect!

He was planned and is loved by us both.

My boyfriend though hasn’t made any effort at all to grow up or change since we had him. He still goes out late after work (he works late) with his mates. He still wants us to go out to the pub with him on family evenings off.

Things just came to a head for me this evening as I’m preparing to get a train 3 hours away to my parents for the weekend alone and instead of helping me prepare for this he decided to go out with a mate to our local and has left me trying to convert the main seat of a buggy to the maxi cosi so I can travel. It sounds small but I’m fucking exhausted and rubbish with this stuff and now in tears trying to pack, look after DS and sort out the fecking travel system. AIBU or should I buck up?

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 20/01/2022 21:30

You don’t get to play hard when you’re a parent. He needs to grow up

Summerfun54321 · 20/01/2022 21:44

@TearifficTaz So because he wanted a child you thought he would all of a sudden stop doing things he has clearly done before?

Isn’t this what all new parents do?! Stop doing most of the socialising they did before?! OP isn’t unreasonable to think he’d actively participate in his new family life!

Couchbettato · 20/01/2022 21:52

Well if he thinks being a dad is donating your sperm and producing an offspring I guess he can check that off his bucket list.

Meanwhile being a mum seems to be, the growing, birthing, clothing, feeding, nurturing, compromising, sacrificing role in his eyes.

He doesn't see you as equal, and you can't change that. He sounds like a man child, and sexist to boot.

rocky1914 · 20/01/2022 21:53

You have a fun life together and it's not until responsibilities arrive that they show you who they are.

This.

Don't get me wrong, DH loves our DD to bits and is a lot more hands on now, 3 years down the line.

But at the beginning, he was a total mess.

Moved out when she was 6mos because he simply could not handle the new responsibility of being a father.

They say that having a baby makes or breaks your relationship. This could not be more true.

And this is precisely why irrespective of his wishes to have DC2, I will not even fathom the thought until he shows a consistent pattern of being reliable and emotionally stable going forwards.

You are not alone, OP!

Ohyesiam · 20/01/2022 21:56

He can’t play hard because he is now responsible for a new human. Tell him to grow up.

TatianaBis · 20/01/2022 21:57

If he wants to play hard why did he have a kid?

What did he think that would involve?

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/01/2022 21:59

@PinkFing

That he works hard (he does) and wants to play hard.
Then why did he have a baby?, you can’t work and play hard and have a baby.

After you get back, I’d have a proper talk with him - you can’t live your life like this, and he needs to realise you will be splitting up if he’s going to behave like this.

TearifficTaz · 20/01/2022 22:03

[quote Summerfun54321]**@TearifficTaz* So because he wanted a child you thought he would all of a sudden stop doing things he has clearly done before?*

Isn’t this what all new parents do?! Stop doing most of the socialising they did before?! OP isn’t unreasonable to think he’d actively participate in his new family life![/quote]
Not really no

Myself and 99% of my friends, family, co-workers, general acquaintances all transitioned to a more child friendly lifestyle before TTC.

It mostly happened naturally as people grow up

I'd never get with someone who acted like the OP described, as even from being a partner it doesn't sound great

Tmwtgg · 20/01/2022 22:07

So tell your partner that he isn't being a Dad - he's being a sperm donor. And that if he truly wants to be a Dad then he'll pull his weight and actually be around to actively parent his child.

UndertheCedartree · 20/01/2022 22:12

Is he good in other ways - like does he let you have lie ins and help with practicalities like nappy changing, bathing, settling your baby?

My DC's dad was always very hands on but it did take him about a year to calm down on the going out front. I was almost at the point of leaving him. We did split up later on (for complete different reasons) but he is a really good dad now.

AngelinaFibres · 20/01/2022 22:12

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Mine was a bit like this.

He was always an amazing uncle to his nephew and niece, talked endlessly about wanting six kids, what he’d do to look after the kids when we had them. Put himself forward as a supporter of equality between the sexes, all that stuff

I had no reason to think he’d be a crap dad but he’s been awful from the start. No interest in parenting dc1 went she was born. Always made sure he was free to come and go as he chose. We’re divorced now. He’s still crap.

Has another child with another woman who seems happy to be the default parent 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are me. I am also divorced. My exhusband married again and had another child. That wife is now divorcing him. My husband left me when the children were 3 and 2. He went off with a 17 year old girl from his office. Apparently he needed space to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted . He didn't realise children would prevent this or that I would expect him to notice their needs and participate in family life. His nephews thought he was amazing. His children now regard their stepfather dad as their dad. They see their dad twice a year.
UndertheCedartree · 20/01/2022 22:15

@TearifficTaz - I suppose it depends how old you are when you have DC in terms of naturally growing up. I think my DC's dad was still quite immature when we had our eldest.

Lollypop701 · 20/01/2022 22:16

It’s easy being a great uncle… do fun stuff with nieces/nephews. Generally at family events when everyone says how wonderful he is , and what a great dad he will be. Walks away feeling great thinking he absolutely will be a great dad and wants kids. Has a child realises it a hard monotonous slog. Decides actually dm can do that bit and he will just do what he did for niece and nephew… can’t understand why this isn’t acceptable and throws a strop that mum isn’t telling him how wonderful he is for looking after fed, clean baby for half an hour… honestly he needs to understand he is now a dad not an uncle. He can’t just give baby to you and wander off to ‘his’ life. Because his child is now his life. And if that’s not true he needs to move out. But will be expected to have dc every other weekend etc

everythingbackbutyou · 20/01/2022 22:18

@Theeyeballsinthesky, utterly this.

RedHelenB · 21/01/2022 08:48

What did he say when you asked him to sort the car seat iut?

TearifficTaz · 21/01/2022 09:00

[quote UndertheCedartree]@TearifficTaz - I suppose it depends how old you are when you have DC in terms of naturally growing up. I think my DC's dad was still quite immature when we had our eldest.[/quote]
Eh, then tbh you bring it on yourself

Why in the world would anyone knowingly reproduce with an immature numpty

forinborin · 21/01/2022 09:21

I don't think it is fair to say "what, did you expect him to change, how naive of you?"
Because that's exactly what women do when they have babies. They change. Never in my life had I seen a post from a man "help, my wife has just given birth but doesn't want to change her partygirl lifestyle, what do I do???"

It is quite unreasonable to expect a young childless person - male or female - to adopt the lifestyle of someone with a newborn voluntarily. I think it is also unreasonable to think they shouldn't change when they become a parent. I am sure OP, as many of us, enjoyed evenings out with friends and trips to the pub pre-baby. She has changed. He didn't.

UndertheCedartree · 21/01/2022 09:22

@TearifficTaz - everyone was immature once! And he's wasn't a numpty he was a very good hands on dad and still is.

My point was you said your social circle all moved to 'child friendly' socialising before you had DC as a natural part of growing up. But those of us who had DC young hadn't gone through that before we had DC. It doesn't mean we are bad parents!

Shantotto · 21/01/2022 09:43

I like to think I’m a good parent but I sure as hell didn’t transition to a child friendly lifestyle first, whatever that actually means. Yeah I cut down massively on drinking while trying but I was still out all the time! I mean it could take you years and years to get pregnant!

ArcheryAnnie · 21/01/2022 09:49

OP, he's being a dickhead who treats his child as a sort of trophy he can bring out of a box and display when he wants to strut about being a father, but won't let the fact that he's now a parent inconvenience him at all.

Only you can decide if its what you want from your life, or for your child.

Teddybar · 21/01/2022 09:50

@PinkFing

That he works hard (he does) and wants to play hard.
Ew cringing at that. Sorry OP, its shit when they make out they want the same and then when it comes to it can't be arsed.
Santahasjoinedww · 21/01/2022 09:53

So he wanted a dc to brag about in the pub? Ticket one way op. He brings nothing to either of you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2022 09:55

To be honest, I'd be thinking long and hard about whether or not to return from your parents. He sounds useless.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 21/01/2022 09:58

[quote PinkFing]@TearifficTaz because our baby is very wanted and he’s always wanted to be a Dad[/quote]
He wanted a child =/= he wanted to care for a child and be an equal partner

Heck, i would want a few kids too if i had a woman at home doing everything for them while i continue on enjoying the single life.

I assume he was quite useless as a partner before the baby too?

Sadly too many women are this naive and expect men to magically change. They almost never do

Pleaseuniverseplease · 21/01/2022 10:00

I'd 'buck up' if I was you.
You're going to be the one carrying the load it seems.
Getting rid of him if his behavior continues will lighten the load somewhat...

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