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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my MIL to stop making fat comments around my son?

91 replies

Charl881 · 20/01/2022 09:49

Two weeks in a row now my MIL has told my 19 month old son that he’ll get fat if he keeps eating.

He’s not fat, nowhere near it, but even if he was I don’t think that she should be making such comments to someone at such a young age.

I want to ask her to stop but not sure how well it will go down or if I’m just being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 20/01/2022 10:43

Not on at all. Tell her bluntly to shut it!

Ignore comments suggesting you are sensitive too. Those posters have clearly never tried to deal with anyone who has an eating disorder so are spewing their bullshit ignorantly.

Maray1967 · 20/01/2022 10:43

Yes, knock this on the head now. I had a similar issue with comments about certain foods that she had an issue with - certain fruits and salad items. Eg you don’t want to be eating too many of those … I said, they’re very good for him , he can have a good bowlful and DH said something similar.
I won’t tolerate silly comments like this. She tried to tell me that surely I felt ill from cooking smells when I was pregnant - never bothered me at all.
I also had comments about DS1 being too skinny because his ribs showed slightly. I pointed out that that is normal.
I think I have a very low tolerance level for comments that seem to suggest that others know better about to how to feed/parent my child. I’m not rude but I reply firmly in such a way that it stops - at least for a while.

MrsWinters · 20/01/2022 10:43

Next time she goes to eat tell her the same thing? See how she likes it

Marmelace · 20/01/2022 10:45

Tell her to get to fuck.

Carrotca · 20/01/2022 10:51

Yep tell her. I had the same. I didn't say anything for a while then she started commenting on my weight when I was pregnant so I asked her to stop, especially around my child. Children pick up on these things. My child called my nephew a fat lump after that's what her nan had called herBlush all this commenting on other people's bodies has got to stop!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/01/2022 10:53

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Are You sensitive about other things too?
If she says it now when the child won’t understand, then she’ll do it when he does understand. What a stupid comment.
ComDummings · 20/01/2022 10:55

YANBU at all, there’s absolutely no reason to say that to any child, let alone a baby! This is something I would come down hard on, we need to stop commenting on people’s bodies or making small children worried about eating in case they get ‘fat.’ It’s perfectly easy to talk about healthy foods without talking about ‘getting fat.’

amusedbush · 20/01/2022 10:58

I have a lifelong eating disorder (binge eating/non-purging bulimia) that was 100% triggered by my mother and my granny constantly talking about weight, pointing out my size, and taking me to weight watchers when I was 12.

On Christmas Day 2012 my granny made a comment about me being fat and it ruined the whole day. I didn’t see her again until Christmas Day 2013, when I was 45lbs lighter, and she made another unsolicited comment about me being fat. I gave it to her with both barrels and didn’t see or speak to her until my brother’s wedding in November 2021. Guess what the first thing she said to me was? ‘I wouldn’t recognise you if I passed you in the street, you’ve gained some amount of weight’ Angry

From the perspective of the receiving end of these comments, you are doing the right thing by nipping it in the bud now - it is unbelievably damaging. My mum told me I had fat arms in 2002 and I haven’t worn a sleeveless top since.

amusedbush · 20/01/2022 11:03

Oh, and just to add to my post, DH also went NC with his granny for years and years because she did the same shit.

She actually pointed out how much heavier DH is than his cousin - on the morning of DH’s mum’s FUNERAL. DH had just lost his beloved mum suddenly, he was only 27 and totally devastated. He hadn’t seen his granny in 10 years and one of the first things she said to him was about his weight.

I’m actually getting angry remembering this - what the fuck is it with grannies and weight?? Angry

yellowtwo · 20/01/2022 11:05

I understand completely OP, FIL said about my then 18 month old, "she'll be fat until she's about 10 or 11". Hmm I was too shocked to react.

girlywhirly · 20/01/2022 11:08

With toddlers, they often put on a bit of weight just before a grown spurt, so could appear chubbier before they get taller. I doubt any child ever grows exactly to the letter of growth charts.

Your MIL is being ridiculous and also potentially damaging in the future. It’s a good idea to get DH to have a word. If the health professionals have no issue with your child, it definitely isn’t her business to make remarks.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/01/2022 11:09

@amusedbush

I have a lifelong eating disorder (binge eating/non-purging bulimia) that was 100% triggered by my mother and my granny constantly talking about weight, pointing out my size, and taking me to weight watchers when I was 12.

On Christmas Day 2012 my granny made a comment about me being fat and it ruined the whole day. I didn’t see her again until Christmas Day 2013, when I was 45lbs lighter, and she made another unsolicited comment about me being fat. I gave it to her with both barrels and didn’t see or speak to her until my brother’s wedding in November 2021. Guess what the first thing she said to me was? ‘I wouldn’t recognise you if I passed you in the street, you’ve gained some amount of weight’ Angry

From the perspective of the receiving end of these comments, you are doing the right thing by nipping it in the bud now - it is unbelievably damaging. My mum told me I had fat arms in 2002 and I haven’t worn a sleeveless top since.

Same. It's so damaging.
HopingForMyRainbowBaby · 20/01/2022 11:11

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Are You sensitive about other things too?
Are you the MIL?
Butteryflakycrust83 · 20/01/2022 11:23

You are not unreasonable. Nip it in the bud now.

whynotwhatknot · 20/01/2022 11:24

A distant cousin of my dm said something similar at my mums funeral

hadnt seen her for years she pipes up youve put on alot of weight havent you-yes i had but i couldnt give a rats arse at that point in time i was grieving-dont understand some people

EmmaGrundyForPM · 20/01/2022 11:25

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Are You sensitive about other things too?
did you mean to be so rude?
Lancssss · 20/01/2022 11:27

@PAFMO

Babies are supposed to be "fat". Though at 19 months and presumably mobile it'll be redistributing now. Unless your Health Visitor has noted that he is, in fact, unhealthily big, then she should be told to stop commenting on her grandchild's weight.
In my opinion even if he was overweight and the health visitor had discussed it, I’d still think that she shouldn’t be saying anything and definitely not using the word fat to a child. It would be up to the parents to deal with sensitively. OP I think you should definitely ask her to stop, or better still get his Dad to tell her.
minimadgirl · 20/01/2022 11:28

My mil does the same with my 20 month old. I need to nip it in the bud as she did it with my Sil's daughters and still now at 16 and 18 they won't eat in front of her. They are so skinny bordering on too thin.
She also calls my husband fat, he's 9 stone wet.

However this is the woman that gave me a weight loss leaflet 5 days after I had given birth.

Sally872 · 20/01/2022 11:30

It's not acceptable to say that to any child. I would definitely say something.

Maybe as it happens
"Gran, we don't comment on anyone's size it can be hurtful" or "please don't use the word fat, we would be mortified if he said that to someone who is fat and I want to encourage him to eat not discourage it "

If that doesn't work then proper chat. Ideally dh says "Mum I don't agree with commenting on food or size. We want dc to have healthy attitude to food and body image. I realise you don't mean any harm I don't need you to understand or agree but I do need you to respect our choices on this"

Hollywolly1 · 20/01/2022 11:31

Is there something badly wrong with her?? Like wtf I definitely wouldn't be leaving her to mind mind my baby as I'd be afraid she wouldn't feed the child.some people think they can say what they like and get away with it,this is your very precious baby and how dare she be so horrible. I get the feeling its you she wants to get at and not the baby.She could be very jealous of you and you may not have realised it

Hollywolly1 · 20/01/2022 11:32

And by the way I'm not being sensitive

IntermittentParps · 20/01/2022 11:33

Absolutely YANBU, except you need to tell her, not ask.
Personal comment about anyone's appearance are not OK.

BashStreetKid · 20/01/2022 11:34

Absolutely say something. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just a simple statement that you really don't want your child to grow with eating issues and you'd rather she didn't say that sort of thing to him. It may be best if it comes from your partner, though, as otherwise you will be cast as the villain.

If she ignores it, you're going to have to think about cutting down contact.

Tal45 · 20/01/2022 11:34

While the comments need to stop I'd also look at what you're feeding him to have the comments arise. Just because he's not fat to your eyes doesn't mean it's ok for him to be snacking on processed, high fat, high salt, high sugar food - or that he's not actually over weight. It can be hard for people to tell especially with young children. If you're feeding him healthy, nutritious food then no problem but he's hardly more than a baby and so it's really important for him to have a healthy diet.

Original poster
Charl881 · 20/01/2022 12:06

Thanks everyone, sorry only just checked back here now and seen all these comments! Good to know I’m not being unreasonable and sorry some of you have experienced this personally.

@AliasGrape I really like that suggestion, I think I’ll definitely wait until she does it again and mention it there and then rather than making it a big awkward conversation.

The stupid thing is he’s not even a chubby toddler, most he’s ever been is on the 25th percentile. So it’s very much a case of her putting her own body image issues onto him rather than her saying it out of any concern for his health. She genuinely doesn’t mean anything nasty by it, I just don’t think she’s considered the impact her words could have.

OP posts: