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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 'There's nothing of you now' is really not a compliment?

76 replies

JohnKettleyIsAWeatherman · 20/01/2022 07:52

Friend lost a lot of weight. Noticed on her FB someone had commented 'You look amazing, there's nothing of you now!' under a recent pic.

Now, I realise I'm likely to get told I'm looking too deeply into this and that the person was probably just trying to pay my friend a compliment, which I would agree with, BUT... the language people sometimes use around weight loss (particularly weight loss by women) disturbs me. Don't get me wrong, I totally accept the need for people to not be overweight from a health perspective. But from an aesthetic standpoint... ugh. Saying 'there's nothing of you now', to me, implies that the person is somehow praiseworthy for diminishing themselves, for taking up less space. For being 'less'. And the fact that we as a society think it's flattering to make this kind of observation depresses me somewhat... it just feels really reductive and anti-feminist to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ImSureISaidNo · 20/01/2022 07:57

Yeah what is termed as a back handed compliment. Usually jealousy. Or the person really has ventured into the dangerously underweight category.

TerraNovaTwo · 20/01/2022 07:59

I had this in my young and stick thin days, which I am still naturally slim and get backhanded compliments. It says A LOT about the person giving them!

Derelicthome · 20/01/2022 08:00

That’s not a compliment. They are implying the person looks too thin/ has lost too much weight.

Enjoyingwinter · 20/01/2022 08:00

I find people are really weird about weight generally, and especially towards people who have successfully lost weight.

RampantIvy · 20/01/2022 08:05

It depends. If a previously morbidly obese person has been trying really hard to lose weight and been successful I would think they would be pretty pleased to hear that.

If someone has lost weight through illness then they won't.

FreedomFaith · 20/01/2022 08:13

@ImSureISaidNo

Yeah what is termed as a back handed compliment. Usually jealousy. Or the person really has ventured into the dangerously underweight category.

This. It's a good way of finding out who is a nice person and who is a bitch.

Tavelo · 20/01/2022 08:38

You'll find those who are most obsessed and vocal about weight are amongst the dimmest of people you'll meet.

crosbystillsandmash · 20/01/2022 08:44

@ImSureISaidNo

Yeah what is termed as a back handed compliment. Usually jealousy. Or the person really has ventured into the dangerously underweight category.

Yep this. I've always been very slim (naturally and certainly not dangerously) and have had this sort of shit all my life. Always said by people with weight issues of their own, in a sing song voice so it appears to be a compliment

TheChemicalMother · 20/01/2022 08:49

From the person who said it: it was probably well intended, and ‘just a thing to say’. Also, what do you say when someone is posting to show off weight loss they have worked for?

But yes, our language and attitudes towards weight are pretty messed up.

Should we be expected to celebrate ‘curves’ when clearly obesity is unhealthy?

Should we keep judgey comments about weight to ourselves? (This is the easy answer: of course!)

Can we not congratulate people who have lost weight (when that is what they tried to do)?

Can we congratulate people on looking great because they DO, having got fitter?

It can be a minefield.

ttcstinks · 20/01/2022 08:49

It's fucking rude OP, for anyone to say that. Let's start telling people they've put on lots of weight shall we and see what the reaction is then. Some people are just cheeky

AlphabetStew · 20/01/2022 08:54

Does that not sound a bit like 'the best part of you is gone'? (Maybe I'm not the best person to ask though)

BugPlaster · 20/01/2022 09:00

I completely agree OP. Language around weight loss regularly makes me uncomfortable. I find negative or reductive statements often come from women in their 60s/70s where much of their young lives will have focused on their size and appearance rather than what they achieve/contribute in a wider sense. If they are younger, I tend to feel they are insensitive or narrow minded. Sounds awful when I write that but I've lived with and around people who judge in this way and that's my experience of it.

rainbowmash · 20/01/2022 09:00

I got this a lot after I lost weight a few years ago. Someone even threw the famous "painfully thin" line at me to make a point. I always thought that phrase was such a virtue signal - like they're trying to empathize with my "pain", or that looking at me "hurt" their poor empathetic hearts.

I was only a size 10 (down from 14), not even close to underweight!! Just goes to show how much we've normalised being overweight if healthy sizes are seen as frighteningly skinny and worthy of insulting remarks.

saraclara · 20/01/2022 09:10

Now, I realise I'm likely to get told I'm looking too deeply into this

Yes you are. Assuming she chose to lose the weight and she's not become unhealthily underweight, it's just a thing people say.

I'm surprised at the comments saying it's bitchy or sly or implying jealousy. It's not nor is it anti feminist. You're digging way too deeply.

Shutupyoutart · 20/01/2022 09:30

Yeah it's shit op. Someone else took the words out of my mouth back handed compliment sums it up perfectly. What was wrong with just saying you look amazing. End of sentence. We (society as a whole)place so much value on appearance your right it is really depressing.

Momicrone · 20/01/2022 09:34

Or just don't post pics of yourself on social media

StillWeRise · 20/01/2022 09:36

It may have been intended kindly or as praise but you are right I think it betrays some deep cultural themes that women should not take up too much space.
I also think that people's own insecurities are in play here- if you know - even subconciously- that you are overweight, then casting doubt on someone's weight loss is probably comforting

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/01/2022 09:38

It's not a back handed compliment and it's not rude. It's just something people say when someone has noticeably lost weight.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/01/2022 09:40

I'm surprised at the comments saying it's bitchy or sly or implying jealousy

I agree. These comments only demonstrate how quick people are to take offence and pick a fight.

Gabbiadini · 20/01/2022 09:43

If I had been trying to lose weight and had been successful I’d take that comment as a compliment.

3scape · 20/01/2022 09:45

Absolutely. Women should not take up space is the ideal in that posters space, it also rather implies that absence of thought and impact are ideals too. Very much a non friend.

RampantIvy · 20/01/2022 09:52

Goodness, there are some professionally offended posters on this thread

Context is everything here.

RedCandyApple · 20/01/2022 10:23

I would love it if someone said this to me 😂 It’s a compliment

ReggaetonLente · 20/01/2022 10:25

I'd be delighted if someone said it to me 🤣

RampantIvy · 20/01/2022 10:33

I bet those who would be offended would also interpret "you look well" as a passive aggressive way of saying "you look fat".

How do these people get through life? People must have to tread on eggshells around them all the time.

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