to think 'There's nothing of you now' is really not a compliment?

[JohnKettleyIsAWeatherman]

Friend lost a lot of weight. Noticed on her FB someone had commented 'You look amazing, there's nothing of you now!' under a recent pic.

Now, I realise I'm likely to get told I'm looking too deeply into this and that the person was probably just trying to pay my friend a compliment, which I would agree with, BUT... the language people sometimes use around weight loss (particularly weight loss by women) disturbs me. Don't get me wrong, I totally accept the need for people to not be overweight from a health perspective. But from an aesthetic standpoint... ugh. Saying 'there's nothing of you now', to me, implies that the person is somehow praiseworthy for diminishing themselves, for taking up less space. For being 'less'. And the fact that we as a society think it's flattering to make this kind of observation depresses me somewhat... it just feels really reductive and anti-feminist to me.

AIBU?

If everyone who needed to lost weight did so there would have been far fewer covid deaths. The majority of covid complications in under 70s were directly caused by high BMI and poor diet.
Obviously you can also be a normal or underweight and still have a poor diet, but most people are overweight.
A huge percentage of us need to take up less space!

I've been upset this week about a group chat where one woman has lost some weight and they are all posting about how much better she looks. We were the same weight...we used to share clothes! I've just been quiet. I think I look good but obviously there's a lot of room for improvement. People can be thoughtless.

I assume that this person posted the photo on social media to SHOW their weight loss (I did similar when I lost 12st a few years ago) and if that's the case then that immediately invites comments about their weight.

Saying 'there's nothing of you!' is usually a light hearted joke, similar to 'you'll disappear if you lose any more!' and isn't meant to upset the person. It just means they've lost a significant amount of weight and - so long as it's clear they meant to and they're proud of it - I don't see why it would be anything less than a compliment.

@Jennifer2r

I've been upset this week about a group chat where one woman has lost some weight and they are all posting about how much better she looks. We were the same weight...we used to share clothes! I've just been quiet. I think I look good but obviously there's a lot of room for improvement. People can be thoughtless.

But their comments aren't about you, they're about the other woman. Before I lost weight me and my mum were the same size and also shared clothes. People (including her) have told me how well I've done and how good I look. At no point would she ever have thought they were thoughtless for complimenting me because she was the size I used to be. That's a really bizarre way of thinking about things, and says more about how you feel about yourself than anything else. This other woman has lost weight, and looks/feels better for it. You obviously don't want to, which is fine, but you can't resent her for being complimented on putting the effort in.

I agree with LindaEllen. The comments were about the other woman.

It wouldn’t bother me. Particularly, as in this case it appears to have been most likely intended as a compliment.

I can imagine that it could be misconceived as an insult by the overly sensitive.

It's just something that people say. It's meant as a compliment.

Sounds like the writer is saying the person has lost too much weight

Women exist to be looked at, remember? Our appearance is always worth picking over and judging. It's exhausting.

@Jennifer2r

I've been upset this week about a group chat where one woman has lost some weight and they are all posting about how much better she looks. We were the same weight...we used to share clothes! I've just been quiet. I think I look good but obviously there's a lot of room for improvement. People can be thoughtless.

Does she look good? In which case why should her friends not say so?

If you are confident in how you look why are they being thoughtless?

If you are not happy with the ‘room for improvement’ why should that mean your friend can’t receive compliments?

If they are being rude or judgey or making disparaging results about you that is clearly wrong.

Yanbu.

My friends mum is morbidly obese so I understand there is a great difference when we stand next to eachother but the comments she makes about my weight every time she sees me make me really uncomfortable and it's like she's trying to hint I have an eating disorder

She'll say things like, "theres not a pick on you"
"Ah she needs a proper feeding "
"if she turns sideways she'll disappear "

When I refuse food or tell her I've just eaten she'll say
" Are you telling the truth, it cant have been much, you need some more" or keep asking
"Are you sure you have eaten something??"

I have never mentioned a thing about this woman's weight or body, could you imagine the upset I'd cause if I said anything like what she says to me ? For example "ah she needs a proper diet"
"you need to eat less"

"Are you sure youre not lying about eating everything?
"Turn sideways and youre huge"!

This wouldn't be ok and would likely upset/embarrass the lady.

It does me. Regardless of size or shape.

When she says things like this and other people are around, they immediately look at your body to judge as it's been brought up. It makes me so uncomfortable.

I get people saying this to me sometimes. I’m not sure that it’s ever meant as a compliment to be honest so I don’t ever take it as one. I don’t ever comment on anyone’s weight because it’s extremely rude so no idea why people think it’s okay to comment on my body.

I think what's more important than anything you've raised is that people should stop taking offence when none is intended. This constant offence taking is creating a horrible and stilted environment where people have to constantly monitor everything they say. I don't want to live like that.

@RampantIvy

Goodness, there are some professionally offended posters on this thread

Context is everything here.

Absolutely!

@Notimeforaname

Yanbu.

My friends mum is morbidly obese so I understand there is a great difference when we stand next to eachother but the comments she makes about my weight every time she sees me make me really uncomfortable and it's like she's trying to hint I have an eating disorder

She'll say things like, "theres not a pick on you"
"Ah she needs a proper feeding "
"if she turns sideways she'll disappear "

When I refuse food or tell her I've just eaten she'll say
" Are you telling the truth, it cant have been much, you need some more" or keep asking
"Are you sure you have eaten something??"

I have never mentioned a thing about this woman's weight or body, could you imagine the upset I'd cause if I said anything like what she says to me ? For example "ah she needs a proper diet"
"you need to eat less"

"Are you sure youre not lying about eating everything?
"Turn sideways and youre huge"!

This wouldn't be ok and would likely upset/embarrass the lady.

It does me. Regardless of size or shape.

When she says things like this and other people are around, they immediately look at your body to judge as it's been brought up. It makes me so uncomfortable.

If she makes you uncomfortable, I would say politely but directly "I don't actually feel the need to discuss my diet or size, thanks so let's not have this conversation again. Have you seen XYZ on TV?'

Tell melts, if people find it 'exhausting' having their appearance judged, why post pics on sm?

@Derelicthome

That’s not a compliment. They are implying the person looks too thin/ has lost too much weight.

This. It was never intended as any kind of compliment.

Yes I think it's passive aggressive.

When I lost loads of weight I suddenly had people thinking they could comment on my body for some reason (no eating disorder, just a healthy bmi from being overweight) My dm and one friend actually said "don't lose any more weight!" as though they had personally deemed me thin enough now and what they say is the law!

I think it comes from being a bit threatened when people (women!) lose weight. Says more about the person.

I hate "you look well" too, it's such a backhanded compliment usually said by my most p.a. of friends completed with a quick once-over. I usually just reply "thanks, I feel AMAZING!"

I would never say anything except "you look great" if I wanted to compliment someone. Otherwise just keep your mouth shut!

If you lose weight, people give compliments by saying things like "you look amazing", "wow, you're looking really healthy" etc.

Comments such as "There's nothing of you", "If you turn sideways you'll disappear", "you're looking so thin" are made either from genuine concern, or they are snide/nasty remarks disguised as a compliment.

E.g. when my friend said "there's nothing left of you" It was when I'd recently been ill and was underweight - she was worried. It wasn't nasty, but it was clearly not a compliment.

If I had been trying to lose weight and had been successful I’d take that comment as a compliment

Me too.

I've lost over 3 stones in the last 8 months. I met a friend for lunch, we had a bit of a falling out a few years ago but our friendship limps along OK still. (We've known each other since we were 10).

I haven't seen her since before the weight loss. She never even commented on it and it is very noticeable, she's about a size 12 ish so not jealousy or anything... I would've loved her to have said that.

I've heard invisible used as a compliment for a slim girl before!

I haven't seen her since before the weight loss. She never even commented on it and it is very noticeable, she's about a size 12 ish so not jealousy or anything... I would've loved her to have said that.

It is jealousy/feeling threatened though - she's probably used to you being the "fat one". Either that or she's completely self absorbed and doesn't notice anything about anyone!

I’d LOVE it if someone said that to me. Same with the ‘not a pick on you’ comments.

Sadly that is but a dream.

Bluebluemoon

Yes, you're probably right. She will have noticed, I know she will. We've talked weightloss before, she's dropped a size at one point. I just know that if she turned up with a dramatic weight loss I would have been saying "Oh my goodness, you look fabulous, well done on the weight loss" type of thing.

I a re-examining the friendship TBH. I'm sick of trying.

I hate "you look well" too, it's such a backhanded compliment

No it isn't. It really, really isn't. It means you look well, as in great/healthy and not ill.

I can't find anywhere in the dictionary where well = fat. If it is a backhanded "compliment" from one particular person it says more about her. If someone said I looked well I would take it as a compliement.