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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want childs friends to walk into my house everyday

57 replies

underthesea123 · 19/01/2022 15:09

AIBU ..but everyday (give or take a day here or there) dd friends wander back with us. One lives closer and its sort of on route so cant avoid our house, the other friend has to travel by car but they have to park nearby our house - but often choose to then walk past their car to walk down to the outside of my teeny house - and choose to have conversations with each other (parents this is) whilst the kids all play in my teeny front garden.
Often the kids all want to go inside my house now at no point do the parents check with me if this is ok. At no point do they ask what I think. They just speak to their own child and say ok - give a time limit and never stick to it. In the summer they all wandered through the house to the back garden which then left me constantly walking through to check while the 2 parents chat to each other and let me get stressed - some days this has been 20 mins before ive managed to hoof them out.

Some days the kids are asking at the top of the street - and once again im not even considered - they just assume im okay with it and say ok but just 5 minutes when we all know its never 5 minutes.

Recently one parent has been letting themselves into the house - my house isnt a mess but on occassion it just has some family clutter that if I have guests would be tidied up a bit more. This then makes me feel on edge and i just find it rude as said parent isnt particularly chatty and just seems to want to get in from outside more than be friendly and have a cuppa.

I cant do this to either of the other parents - as one is a car distance and the other means im walking past my house and out the way.

I became a sahm during pandemic and the others are working and usually do go home to continue work. i feel like since i've become a sahm they think I have all the time in the world to accomodate their darling children. If we get out sooner and walk home alone I have even witnessed the other 2 stopping outside mine for chit chats. I just find it all a bit bizarre.

If it was occasional fair enough but its happening almost daily and I just like to get in sort kids out and prep tea - or get ready for after school activities but I equally dont feel I should be put in this position to have to say not today when the parents don't consider me?

OP posts:
Woofwoofbarkbark · 19/01/2022 15:14

You either say something to them. Which is hard I know. But necessary.

Or you say "Bye, see you tomorrow" and shut the door on them every day. And hope they get the message.

ApolloandDaphne · 19/01/2022 15:23

You need to speak up. When you get to your day to the children as they approach your house 'not today sorry, we have stuff to do', smile and make your goodbyes, go inside and close the door firmly. Only stop for a chat on your terms, not theirs.

Original poster
underthesea123 · 19/01/2022 15:31

I have tried and some days I have had success at the top of the street stating 'we're busy doing...' But I hate lying so on a day when we haven't got actual plans and find it really hard to just say no - some days I have actually said no and no one has listened to me and walked down anyway Shock due to pandemic there's been some blissful weeks where either child/parent has been off isolating.
I'm going to try be more firm and see how long I last.
Sad part is I have had to have chats with kids - but the kids actually don't want them in daily they're finding it too much they've told me - my dd is a bit like me and not the loudest of the bunch so she can get easily overwhelmed. I'm not exactly setting a good example of standing my ground am I Blush

OP posts:
cabingirl · 19/01/2022 15:32

You need to break the habit/pattern.

  • for 2 days in a row don't walk with them - either go somewhere else after school or stay to talk to teacher etc
  • for the next 3 days do a combination of saying you have to be somewhere / something to do and a firm goodbye.

So for the next five days don't let the kids in the house at all. Don't unlock your door until you have made it clear you are busy.

If after five days the other parents haven't got the hint then you might even have to be firmer and more direct with them.

Inthesameboatatmo · 19/01/2022 15:33

Speak up for God's sake. They are treating your house like a drop in centre. Get some boundaries honestly.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2022 15:34

FGS, op, stop being such a doormat. You don't need any reason at all to say no. "Sorry, no playing inside today. See you later." That's all you need to say.

Hillarious · 19/01/2022 15:36

Do as @cabingirl suggests, and every now and again invite them in and enjoy their company.

Wolfiefan · 19/01/2022 15:37

Lock door once you’re in.
Say not today if they try and come in.
You don’t have to lie. You have other plans. You’re busy.

Summersnake · 19/01/2022 15:39

If you lay down ,like a door mat
Don’t be surprised when people wipe their feet on you .
This is all your own doing ,by not stopping it the first time .
Come on
Grow a back bone
Set a good example of how to be assertive to your children
They are learning from your example

Kbyodjs · 19/01/2022 15:39

Lock your door so that the children can’t just walk in and then if it’s suggested by a child or parent just say sorry not today snd don’t unlock the door until everyone understands.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 15:39

When the kids ask their parents say “no, that doesn’t work for us today” before the parents can say “yes”.

Walk separately from them, close your door after you. If they are there lying in wait, can you say something like “kids eh? See you tomorrow, must get on!”

ApolloandDaphne · 19/01/2022 15:39

You don't need to lie. Having stuff to do can be sorting out homework, making tea, watching TV. You don't have to specify what stuff you plan to do.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 15:39

Also yes lock your door

Workinghardeveryday · 19/01/2022 15:42

I would be having none of that!!! If they can be so rude and use you blatantly, then you can politely and charmingly say with a smile, ‘Busy tonight, sorry’ - every night!!!!

They are absolute cf’s!!!

GemmaRuby · 19/01/2022 15:47

You don’t need to make up a reason, just say ok bye! Or sorry you can’t come in, we’ve got stuff to get on with.
And yes, definitely start locking your door.

Original poster
underthesea123 · 19/01/2022 15:51

wow didn't realise I was coming across as such a pushover guess I do only have my self to blame but perhaps I just expect the same consideration from others as I would give myself.

As for breaking habit idea - staying in plaground actually doesn't work.. no word of a lie I have had to stay and talk to either childs teacher recently and was there for a while as another parent talked first - and guess who all hung around waiting.

I kept telling myself IABU because perhaps they just genuinly like my company and know their kids like my kids company but it hasn't always happened - its literally been since pandemic/me not working anymore.

Thanks all. Will attempt to be more assertive. Anxiety can suck sometimes - especially if I feel like im being rude,

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 19/01/2022 15:57

WTAF Don't you have any boundaries, OP. You have a front door, right? When you get home, shut it and that will indicate to others that you are on one side of it, and they are on the other. Don't put up with any more nonsense, they are treating you badly. I can't believe they would let themselves in. Make sure that cannot happen. If you need to speak to any of them, just be clear that you are not available for visits by kids or parents. The parents will soon find somewhere else to hang out. Believe in yourself and your right to privacy in your own home. Biscuit

2bazookas · 19/01/2022 15:59

Lock your door before you pick up kids from school . Then when you get back, nobody can run in/through your house.

Same when you're at home. Lock door so adult acquaimtance can't just walk in, has to knock and you can say "sorry, too busy, must rush, byeeeee".

Fairylightsongs · 19/01/2022 16:03

How old is your child, is there a reason you can’t tell them?

LouLou789 · 19/01/2022 16:04

One thing I found worked (not with school mums but with NDN who wanted our kids to play together every sodding afternoon) was at the end of a meet I would say “Well we are busy for the next few days so shall we do this again on Thursday/whenever?” and if they try to muscle in before that you say, “As I said, we are free on Thursday” She soon got the idea.

GemmaRuby · 19/01/2022 16:04

You can do it OP! Do it tomorrow and let us know how it goes Smile

LookItsMeAgain · 19/01/2022 16:07

Look at this from their view point @underthesea123 - they have no objections to being rude to you, to taking liberties where you time and your consideration is concerned.
Start being a bit firmer in your discussions on the walk home
"Now, we have plans for this afternoon so unfortunately, we'll have to say goodbye to you here (when you reach the car of one of them).....bye now"
and as for the one who has to walk past your house
"Ok, we're going in now and can't have any guests today.....bye now" and walk in and close the door behind you.

I'd say that parent who 'has' to park near your house doesn't really have to park there at all. There are plenty of other places to park but they have cottoned on to the fact that you'll pop the kettle on and they can have a good old chin wag standing in your garden while you don't object.
Time to start objecting.
Could you invent a relative that is working nights that has to stay in your house for the next 4-5 weeks while they are having work done on their place? That way they can't come in as they are sleeping and they can't hang around the front garden chatting as their sleeping at the front of the house?? And it would give you 4-5 weeks of no extra visitors???

Whatinthelord · 19/01/2022 16:13

@Aquamarine1029

FGS, op, stop being such a doormat. You don't need any reason at all to say no. "Sorry, no playing inside today. See you later." That's all you need to say.
I think the blunt “no playing in the house today because we just want a quiet afternoon” type response is best.

I wouldn’t make up events or excuses as that doesn’t send the message, which is even if your not doing anything they can’t just come in.

Maybe the message to send if about asking and agreeing a visit….

So saying something like “no playing inside today because we’ve planned a quiet afternoon, but if your mum agrees you can come in to play for half an hour on x day after school (assuming you want them coming in at all”.

Then the next day you can say “We’re having a quiet afternoon again, but looking forward to the play date on….”

If you struggle I’d view it as a challenge that, if you complete it, will prove to be a useful assertive skill you can use in the future to hold boundaries.

Getoutofbed25 · 19/01/2022 16:16

Firstly lock your door…..always, just get into the habit of it.

You need to take action. We have stuff to do today so can’t stop, repeat every day. If they ask what stuff just say family stuff.

I wouldn’t have anyone coming into my home uninvited. I used to childmind and a parent started opening my front door onto porch and I soon started locking it so that didn’t happen again! My poor family should have that happening.
Say anything
Oh I dont feel great
We are doing a family activity
We have guests coming
We are tired
If for some strange reason they don’t listen to you just repeat, ‘I said not today’
For some reason I feel really uncomfortable about your post and your ability to look out for your own family and set boundaries

Justilou1 · 19/01/2022 16:18

I think you need to tell your kids before school that in the afternoon you’re going to say something to the mothers. When they try and shove through you need to say “Listen, you’re deliberately not taking the hint. This isn’t a childcare centre. If you keep this up, I’m going to start charging you. You’re absolutely taking the piss and you know it.”