AIBU to not want childs friends to walk into my house everyday

[underthesea123]

AIBU ..but everyday (give or take a day here or there) dd friends wander back with us. One lives closer and its sort of on route so cant avoid our house, the other friend has to travel by car but they have to park nearby our house - but often choose to then walk past their car to walk down to the outside of my teeny house - and choose to have conversations with each other (parents this is) whilst the kids all play in my teeny front garden.
Often the kids all want to go inside my house now at no point do the parents check with me if this is ok. At no point do they ask what I think. They just speak to their own child and say ok - give a time limit and never stick to it. In the summer they all wandered through the house to the back garden which then left me constantly walking through to check while the 2 parents chat to each other and let me get stressed - some days this has been 20 mins before ive managed to hoof them out.

Some days the kids are asking at the top of the street - and once again im not even considered - they just assume im okay with it and say ok but just 5 minutes when we all know its never 5 minutes.

Recently one parent has been letting themselves into the house - my house isnt a mess but on occassion it just has some family clutter that if I have guests would be tidied up a bit more. This then makes me feel on edge and i just find it rude as said parent isnt particularly chatty and just seems to want to get in from outside more than be friendly and have a cuppa.

I cant do this to either of the other parents - as one is a car distance and the other means im walking past my house and out the way.

I became a sahm during pandemic and the others are working and usually do go home to continue work. i feel like since i've become a sahm they think I have all the time in the world to accomodate their darling children. If we get out sooner and walk home alone I have even witnessed the other 2 stopping outside mine for chit chats. I just find it all a bit bizarre.

If it was occasional fair enough but its happening almost daily and I just like to get in sort kids out and prep tea - or get ready for after school activities but I equally dont feel I should be put in this position to have to say not today when the parents don't consider me?

Is your front door always unlocked so they can just walk straight in?
I would stop at the gate and just say bye, see you tomorrow. If kids ask to come in say no we have plans, same then to the cheeky mothers of they start with Oh just for 5 mins.

If it still continues then you are going to have be blunt. They are massively taking a lend of you.

Dont lie, dont make excuses and definitely do not explain.
Just say..' not today, bye'
And go inside and close the door and lock it.
If anybody gets pushy... 'not today, bye'.... on repeat...
Tell your kids beforehand rhat they are coming home, straight into the house and there will be drinks and biscuits...or whatever you normally do.
Just keep doing this until the day comes when you actually want to put the kettle on and cater for the masses... then you say as you walk towards the house..'anybody fancy a cup of tea... been ages since we had a catchup'...
Stay calm and in control of your boundaries.
They are being really cheeky and pushy... so push back!

I presume they all invite your ch round to play, probably not and they're being cf

Be more assertive. Blunt if you have to be. Model boundaries for your child. Be brave and just be blunt. What’s the worst that will happen? If you let people walk all over you then you’re showing your children that it is OK for people to walk over them too.

Tell your ch no one is playing this week and it's fine to say "sorry mum says we can't have anyone in".
Lock side gate
Could you drive home or go to a shop on the way home to try to get rid of them.
Get the kids to ask if they can play at the others' houses.
Say a firm, "I need to get tea on now so I'll say bye" as you walk up to your house. Don't stop and chat, walk up to the door in deep conversation with the kids. Straight in and lock the door behind you!
Job done

Hoe the fuck did one of the parents just let themselves in to your house?? I can't even fathom that!!
Hitch your big girl pants up and toughen up!! No is a full sentence and all that!!

How not hoe 😒

@underthesea123

wow didn't realise I was coming across as such a pushover guess I do only have my self to blame but perhaps I just expect the same consideration from others as I would give myself.

As for breaking habit idea - staying in plaground actually doesn't work.. no word of a lie I have had to stay and talk to either childs teacher recently and was there for a while as another parent talked first - and guess who all hung around waiting.

I kept telling myself IABU because perhaps they just genuinly like my company and know their kids like my kids company but it hasn't always happened - its literally been since pandemic/me not working anymore.

Thanks all. Will attempt to be more assertive. Anxiety can suck sometimes - especially if I feel like im being rude,

Being assertive is not being rude. Nice people say no to other people. Nice people have boundaries.Asserting those boundaries is not rude.

Definitely,best to get control and it shouldn't take long to change.

Maybe these people will hassle someone else then.
The only thing i would say is, could one or more of the parents be avoiding going home for any reason?
Maybe they are deliberately stalling and wasting time..

Have you considered moving house OP?

Sounds like your hangers on wouldn’t actually notice if you were there or not.

I think if you’re anxious about asserting yourself - and I completely sympathise with how this situation could develop and you just feel at a loss at how to say no - you should try PP suggestion. Break the habit, just for a week. Go out to town, don’t go home till after 4. They may come up with a new routine hang out space if you’re no longer around.

And if they do try to start up the chit chat routine outside your house again, well, could you water pistol them?

Op I can relate.

I now take the car to pick ds up as I had to break the pattern of a mum who always tagged onto us. Problem is our children are best friends. But if I ever take my eye off the ball they immediately start up the habit of standing outside my house chatting. The kids then go inside, usually get a load of lego out, and the mum never asks for my permission.... This will happen daily if I let it!

The irony is I have never stepped over the threshold of her house, but she is always happy to take advantage of mine.

I see the journey to and from school as me time, I like to distress from work or chat with ds. I really like walking on my own and hate the expectation to do the journey with her.

I have dropped hints over the years, and developed a different journey to school to avoid them.

My worry has always been to stop her from taking the piss but also ensuring ds gets to keep his best friend.

I find this bizarre.....nobody steps into my house without my permission and definitely not other people's children. I am sorry that you have anxiety but I can't help feeling that you would have less anxiety if you felt more in control of your life? Yes its going to be hard to make changes but it will get easier.

Yanbu. It must be lovely to have their kids entertained at someone else's house, while their house gets to stay clean while they get to sit on their arse and have the host fetch cups of tea and snacks. Some people absolutely rip the piss. I feel for you - my experience is being the host playdate house 90 Percent of the time and it's so annoying! It especially got my back up when mums would all take the opportunity to sit down chatting amongst themselves while I ran about my home watching all THEIR kids, tidying, fetching snacks, getting other toys, refereeing fight -for YEARS!! But I found that if I didn't host them noone else offered and the kids missed out. It got right on my t*TS though. Some people take a mile if you give an inch ,🤷

Just go somewhere else after school rather than home to break it for one day, then after that just say no - don't unlock the door, say that there will be no playing today, bye, inside and lock door. Done.

If your neighbours can just walk into your house, never mind that it Cf of highest order, so could a burglar.
Lock your door at all times
My DM had all her jewellery stolen when thieves got into house while she was in garden with my DD. They didn’t hear , their bedroom was at the front so they were hidden form view. Takes some balls to do that!
That was 40 years ago…never leave my doors unlocked since.

I don't know why you've not said anything to them, especially when they walk uninvited into your home!
Say goodbye, unlock your door and step inside and lock it again.

Please tell us more about the parent letting themselves in to your house!?
That's so crazy I can't imagine it.

Tomorrow when the kids say "can we come in and play" just say "no, not today".

Also seconding the pp who says be busy after school every day for a week or so. Shame the weather is crap, but you could need to walk to a shop, go to the park etc.

Why would you not keep your door shut

You don’t have to say a word.

Very next time it happens, put their kids to work. If the parents come into your garden or into your house, put them to work.

“Mom, can I stay here at @underthesea123‘s house?”

“Ok, only 5 minutes though (wink wink)!”

“Great! They can help my dc with this week’s project washing the baseboards, cleaning windows and if you parents are staying, it would be fun to have you help me in carrying in the firewood, we can chat while painting spare room, FUN! etc etc etc”

They will never darken your doorstep again

perhaps I just expect the same consideration from others as I would give myself.

People don't work like that. They think about what is okay with them, and it stops there. It doesn't occur to them that they should check with you first, because in their minds, it isn't a problem. If it was happening at one of their houses instead, it wouldn't bother them at all. Sometimes, you have to tell them, flat out, what is and isn't ok.

Use your business voice, not the "nice person" voice. When the mums say, "Okay, five minutes," you say, "Actually, [childsname] today isn't a good day." And then you look the mums in the eye and say, "You'll have to go now."

It's not as though the house is theirs, it's yours. They're not entitled to it. So, if they don't like being told "no" and react, so what? It sounds like you don't like them that much anyway, so who cares if what you say pleases them?

I completely see how this happened. You're trying to go inside, your own children go in and then CF children follow them in, without parents asking you. It's set a precedent you didn't know how to end. You'll be OK OP! It's not rude to say no playing today children we need some quiet time to their kids before you reach home.

@Getoutofbed25

Firstly lock your door…..always, just get into the habit of it.

You need to take action. We have stuff to do today so can’t stop, repeat every day. If they ask what stuff just say family stuff.

I wouldn’t have anyone coming into my home uninvited. I used to childmind and a parent started opening my front door onto porch and I soon started locking it so that didn’t happen again! My poor family should have that happening.
Say anything
Oh I dont feel great
We are doing a family activity
We have guests coming
We are tired
If for some strange reason they don’t listen to you just repeat, ‘I said not today’
For some reason I feel really uncomfortable about your post and your ability to look out for your own family and set boundaries

It made me feel really uncomfortable too. It put in my head the images of people with difficulties who end up with drug dealers taking over their houses. Cuckoos I think the dealers are called. I know they are not dealers but there are a lot of similarities in their behaviour in wheedling their way into your private space.They pick on people who can't say no, who want to be liked, who find friendships difficult to understand. From what you have said about the other mothers it doesn't seem that they care whether you exist or not, they just want their children to run off some energy in a handy place before they go back to their own homes. Really , really odd .

They are CF's that are using you because you allow it.

What you have written is unbelievable.

Your children are being imposed upon and you still don't want to say No.

Your poor children, not being able to enjoy a bit of peace at home after school.

These people don't give a damn about you.

It takes some disrespect to walk into someone's house like that.

Can you not see the message it is sending to your children?

Mum is a doormat.
Mum is a mug.
Mum can't keep people out of the house even though I would prefer a bit of downtime after school.

You are obviously a nice woman but you are allowing yourself to be treated like a fool by these user's.

Step up for your children and show them you are not a doormat.

I wanted to say some people are frustrated that you're not assertive which comes across as criticising you which isn't helpful and can make anxious and unassertive people feel more useless than they already feel! It's such a hard thing to deal with unless you happy to be assertive and take no crap! So I feel for you. And don't beat yourself up. We're not always a good role model to our kids! I swear too much, don't feel bad. You're a good mum I'm sure and it's hard enough being a parent without blaming ourselves as cause for every negative trait/behaviour kids have! Big hugs x