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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if he's ashamed of us?

62 replies

theqentity · 18/01/2022 18:55

We live commutable distance from a large city. Many of our friends still live in the city, but lots have also moved out.

DH and I both have lots of friends from university who we still see. Generally my friends will come to our house for the afternoon, or we will visit them, or meet them at a restaurant. Usually it's a whole family thing and the kids come along too, as most of us have kids now. It doesn't happen as often as I'd like, mainly due to lockdown and friends having kids with SEN who don't travel well (we also have this). But when we meet it's always a big, inclusive thing, and we have food or go out somewhere.

DH doesn't ever invite his friends over, or their families. He always arranges to 'take them to dinner in the city', and it's always dropped on me at the last minute, and because we have a child with significant disability we can't just get a babysitter, and have no family nearby that could babysit either. So I stay home with the kids and he goes off to the city and entertains his friends and their partners in nice restaurants. And I never ever see them, I haven't even met most of their wives. I've never met their children. I know they exist because we would meet them for dinner and drinks back in our twenties before we had kids, and we get the birth announcement cards in the post, but that's as close as I get.

Today I pointed out that I think it's a bit odd that DH is still entertaining his married friends and friends with families as if he is a single man in his twenties and that maybe he could invite a few of them over here, so I could make dinner, or get dinner in, and I could meet their wives and kids. He looked a bit horrified by this idea.

AIBU here? Honestly I feel a bit confused by it all now.

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 18/01/2022 18:56

He looked horrified and said..?

Or did he run off?

Original poster

theqentity · 18/01/2022 18:58

He just said it hadn't occurred to him to do anything differently.

OP posts:

Emerald5hamrock · 18/01/2022 18:59

Why do you think he is ashamed.
He could see it as an inconvenience inviting you, not good either.

Santahasjoinedww · 18/01/2022 19:00

Sounds like he wants a break. He needs to make sure you get the same courtesy

Original poster

theqentity · 18/01/2022 19:00

@Emerald5hamrock

Why do you think he is ashamed. He could see it as an inconvenience inviting you, not good either.

Well we clearly aren't important enough to go along to any of these dinners are we? Maybe he's ashamed of DC's disability. I have no idea.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 18/01/2022 19:00

He's probably like me - I like seeing people out so they don't overstay their welcome.

I have some good friends who come to mine but mostly I'd rather be in a neutral environment.

Original poster

theqentity · 18/01/2022 19:01

@girlmom21

He's probably like me - I like seeing people out so they don't overstay their welcome.

I have some good friends who come to mine but mostly I'd rather be in a neutral environment.

Yeah maybe but I've never met most of their wives and kids, isn't that just a little bit odd?

OP posts:

Original poster

theqentity · 18/01/2022 19:02

@Santahasjoinedww

Sounds like he wants a break. He needs to make sure you get the same courtesy

He gets a break. Plenty of breaks.

OP posts:

superram · 18/01/2022 19:05

I’d much rather meet my mates in a city in a pub/restaurant where we can chat, have a beer, catch up in peace. As they are not mutual friends it would be more weird to go. I like to do family stuff with my family and go to the pub with my mates. You don’t know these people, why would they want to hang out with you and your kids?

Thingsthatgo · 18/01/2022 19:05

Do the other children come along?
To be honest I have lots of friends that my DH has never met. I go out with old groups of friends, or meet them to go to dinner or gigs. I like that I have friends that are completely separate from my family. (I love my DH and DCs a lot, but I also love that once in a while I get let loose without them!).

WorriedGiraffe · 18/01/2022 19:09

I don’t think it’s odd, he just enjoys socialising differently to you, there is nothing wrong with that. Suggesting he’s embarrassed of your child’s disability is pretty unfair unless their a big drop feed here.

wheresmymojo · 18/01/2022 19:09

TBH I tend to always go out with friends on my own without DH as it's a break from family life.

I don't have to worry about including DH in the conversation where we're chatting about other old friends he doesn't know and memories he doesn't share which I'm pretty sure would bore the arse off him.

It's also a night off from the DC.

I don't think DH is unreasonable as long as he'd be okay with you doing the same.

If you'd just rather socialise with your friends as a family because it's your preference then that's not your DH's problem?

AlternativePerspective · 18/01/2022 19:11

I think having seperate friends is normal, what is odd is that when these friends get together all of them bar him bring their partners.

I do understand not wanting to invite them to yours, but I would ask him outright what his issue is, and would say to him that it seems deliberately exclusionary to not drop a meet-up on you until the last minute, when he knows you won’t be able to come.

Anna10309 · 18/01/2022 19:12

I think its very odd. Are you sure he is actually meeting up with these people?
I would be very hurt if dh did this especially if it's all couples and just him.

Leeds2 · 18/01/2022 19:13

Maybe DH is trying to save you both the hassle of entertaining his friends at home? I know that he is perfectly capable of cooking/cleaning for them himself, but maybe he doesn't want to and doesn't want to ask you to step in.

TheFoundation · 18/01/2022 19:14

Is the issue that you are suddenly left unexpectedly alone, rather than the issue that he sees his friends away from the house?

Original poster

theqentity · 18/01/2022 19:16

@AlternativePerspective

I think having seperate friends is normal, what is odd is that when these friends get together all of them bar him bring their partners.

Thank you for articulating what I was thinking, yes THEY bring their partners. He never does.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2022 19:19

That's the issue. That you aren't fairly pointedly not welcome.

nitsandwormsdodger · 18/01/2022 19:22

If I had the choice I’d much rather have a child free meal in nice restaurant in town , hosting is exhausting and expensive
Is there a reason you assume it’s shame of you and your child’s disability ? Is it autism , adhd which could be misinterpreted as bad behaviour which he ccould be anxious it will reflect badly on your parenting or obvious disability like a wheelchair?

Ponoka7 · 18/01/2022 19:23

Could you go without the children? Has he told them about your children's SN? I'm wondering if he hasn't and now has to live the lie. Perhaps they aren't inclusive people, but he wants to remain friends. That might be why he looked horrified.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 18/01/2022 19:24

Do they all bring their kids and partners?

You mentioned some of the friends have children with SEN who don’t travel well? Do they stay home or meet on neutral ground?

What do you mean by ‘significant disability’? Could your husband be worried a houseful of people could be too much for your son, especially if people are bringing children?

Are they more your DH’s friends or yours?

I don’t think meeting at a nice restaurant is the same as going to someone’s home for dinner, maybe he’s suggested it and the friends weren’t keen? Or he wants a break out of the house to socialise?

Do you also get breaks to socialise with your friends, while DH stays home to babysit?

Original poster

theqentity · 18/01/2022 19:25

@Ponoka7

Very hard for us both to go out together, as nobody wants to babysit DC on account of their complex needs.

OP posts:

whatfreshheck · 18/01/2022 19:26

I think you just need to ask.

Ginger1982 · 18/01/2022 19:27

So he meets all his friends and partners and kids, but he goes on his own? That's so weird.

Moancup · 18/01/2022 19:30

Do the partners come along with kids?

I have lots of friends with kids who prefer to see me without their children and that often means their partner can’t come either. I take it as a sign that my company isn’t exciting enough to fork out for a babysitter.

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